Children at first meets between couples

[Pixey]

My husband and I have come across a very nice couple who have asked if their child could be present for our first and now second date. My husband and I gingerly skirted around this request as best as we could. I would have thought they would have gotten the polite picture after asking us about the first date if the child could be present for the first couple hours of our date. First date, are they crazy? head bang

We don't have any children yet so we can't even say, "Yeah, let's all go on a hayride and a pizza together." We could then focus on our kids and they could focus on theirs while having casual fun with everyone and continue to foster the friendship. This will offer a level ground of focus. I've been out with vanilla friends who have children and most of their focus is on the children. That's great but it's awkward in this type of situation with the lifestyle when one family has children and the other one doesn't. We want to get to know them in a sexual chemistry sense. We feel hindered to do so if their are children around. We have class and are highly respectful of others especially the sanctity of their children.

We don't mind building a friendship with the child but give us some time to build chemistry with the adults alone so we can see if we enjoy their sexual presence. This particular couple had said they are interested in having their children be friendly with us. I like that idea and respect it but I feel that they need to give us space and time in order for that to happen. It's hard for my husband and I to be bluntly honest and say, "Hey, leave your kid with the sitter in the beginning!"

Anyone have any advice on handling this? How do you tell them that their kids are unwelcome in the beginning? How also do you handle when they want to play and they don't place the child with sitter and send them to bed while we play? What if my husband is just about to come with the wife and the child comes to the top of the stairs and says, "Mommy, I need a glass of water. Mommy, I had a bad dream, wah. Mommy, what are you doing?"

Thanks for your input and wisdom. I love this board!

[Zoe&Wash]

Maybe they have the same problems getting a sitter that we do.

Maybe they're really interested in some kind of a poly blended family arrangement?

Nah, they probably have problems getting a sitter.

W

[good times]

We don't do play dates when children are present, even if the kids are in bed. If their is any possibility of the kids showing up while we are interacting intimately it is a no-go for us. As far as the kids being present on a non-playdate or "get to know you" date, we wouldn't have a problem with that. On the other hand, we wouldn't be interested in doing too many of those. We are into swinging for the sex, not endless get to know you dates. So, if we were in your position and they seem to want the kids present every time, we would just tell them we aren't interested in that, and if they cant find a sitter or something we would rather postpone the date until they can.

[ohash01]

Some people just don't like leaving their kids behind....and others may be nervous and using them as safety at first. I'm not sure if I'd be willing to go out with someone who wanted to bring their kids the first time. Our relationships are based on adult-type relationships...unless you become very close friends with the couple, I'd be very nervous about involving the kids at all.

I don't have children, nor do I probably ever want any. Just not for me. Mr. has a daughter from a previous relationship and I have enough trouble handling that. I've known her for 3 years now and I still don't feel as if I"ll ever get close to her.

Perhaps with your couple there aren't any grandparents in the picture to take the kids and a sitter is hard to find...but still...I'd ask them (nicely, of course, you don't want to make it sound like you hate their kids) if you could have adult-only time, as you're interested in getting to know them on a deeper level than you could discuss with kids around.

[discoandvyper]

We have three children, one together and she has two from a previous marriage.

There's no way in hell we'd bring our kids along for a date. We barely even consider having the children at home asleep when we're meeting a couple in our home.

I would consider this to be breaking an unsaid rule within the swinging lifestyle. The activity is an adult nature; getting to know and being friends with their kids takes this outside the range of swinging.

[Better Half]

No, no, no, no, no. Not a good thing, especially when just getting to know a couple. However, even then, probably no, no, no.

[ShellyM]

No, thats not something we would ever do at LEAST until after we had established a good relationship. But not ever on the first time we meet them.

[MoonLightKiss]

Many of our vanilla friends have children, as do we. We all get together with our kids for a backyard hang out bar-b-que. I would do the same thing with friends who were playmates as well.

But a "get to know you and see if we want to play date" Nope, not us anyway. We prefer to have our get togethers childless.

Its really no different than a single parent going out on a date. Most do not take their children out for dinner and drinks with their date. A child has a nasty habit of interrupting, spilling drinks and asking endless "whys and whats" and you end up so distracted you can't pay attention and get to know your date. (You parents know what I am talking about ) I was a single parent for several years before marrying my husband. I never took my child out with us on a date unless it was a day date we had planned because I had my child.

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

The couple we are currently playing with have children. We've never met them. At this point it would be fine if they were around for dinner or something but we've known their parents for a while now. Having them around when we might play? NO! I'd rather they were in a different zip code!
We made that mistake years ago with the friends we used to play with. The kids were in bed for the night and we were naked in the living room. My buddies wife was doing the reverse cowgirl on me and a 4 year old wandered into the room.
That was the mother of all mood breakers. Surrender

[JustAskJulie]

When I was with my ex, there was a couple we played with a few times that pretty much always had their kids around. I can only recall a couple of times that we spent time with them where their kids weren't present. Often it was us going to their place in the evening and hanging out/watching movies till the kids were asleep. I only remember playing at their home once and it just seemed really awkward (to me) because I was worried about the kids waking up/ hearing us/ coming into the room... even though the parents were adament that their kids knew better than to come into their room at night.

The most awkward thing and something that really turned me off to them was a time when we went out with them and their kids on their boat and while the kids were swimming around in the water the wife was flashing us, etc. I just didn't feel like it was appropriate behaviour when kids were around (even if they couldn't see us).

All that said, I feel for you. I'm guessing you did make it through date one without the kids being present? If so, then just be honest with them and tell them that while you don't have any issues with kids in general you don't feel that having the kids around makes for a comfortable open environment needed to see if you all click for this type of relationship. That down the road when you've all decided that you are comfortable together then you'd love to meet the kids.

[Amanda69]

Vanilla or lifestyle dating I never involved my child until I got to know people first. Wow there could be a potential for some serious issues there if the people have ulterior motives with their children (sorry folks but my mind can't help but see the worst possible scenario here).

We tell our kids not to talk to strangers then we bring them on dates??? Wow.

[JP51]

I think they should leave the kids at home. And not bring them on a first meet and greet...how the heck are you going to even talk...not knowing the ages up front...it does sound like your not talking teens, and that means they will be sitting at the table right with you. And you will be getting the signal from her...no flurting in front of the kids etc...better to wait until they can get a sitter.

[fun4two]

we have been in the same situation with a couple...we played at their home and half way through the night they said they had to check on the kids..it came to surprise that they played at home with their kids since they did not let us know the kids where there..if we knew we wouldnt of played...it was very hard telling them that we don't like playing or meeting when children are around....i understand the fact its hard finding sitters because we have children...but this is adult time and children should not be presant....we only play when our kids our gone for the weekend or even night...the only thing i can say is be honest and tell them you don't like meeting when the child is presant..it makes it for an uneasy evening...

[SAMnTINA]

WE have three kids and although they know some of our lifestyle friends (not that they are lifestyle friends just that they are our friends). For the safety and security of our children and our self’s we don't take strangers to our home or introduce them to our children. As with many things some of the people we met will be acquaintances, some will be sex partners and some will become friends. Once we know someone and feel comfortable with them coming to the house, meeting the kids doing family stuff with them is ok, but until we are comfortable we won't even tell you where we live.

There are all types out there and sometimes we may be a little wild a crazy but never with the safety of our kids.

[GotBatteries?]

The first couple we met in the lifestyle wanted to meet in public at a park and have a picnic. Sure, seems like a good plan.
They brought their kids.
My jaw dropped. Never even occured to me that people would involve their kids like that.
Their kids were all over us like we were giving away candy and puppies.
Dont get us wrong, we *like* kids and all. (We dont have any and we arent planning on having any but we are generally the type to talk to them, play video games, read stories and stuff. We've got alot of neices and nephews so we arent that weird anti-kid couple everyone knows.) We just thought it was weird that they offered up such an incrediably important part of their life that quickly. It seemed unsafe, disrespectful (to us as well as to their kids)...and odd. Too much, too soon.
That first meeting with that first couple really creeped us out. *shudder*
I imagine it like singles dating. You want to make sure they are important enough to you before they become important to your child.

Now, we have *very* good lifestyle friends (totally different couple) we play with that after a while we have met their families, they have met ours and it seems so normal. Its totally fine