Swingers w/kids - Question 2

[Sapphire67]

Good Morning all. I've enjoyed reading the boards and have learned quite a lot from all of you wonderful folks. D (my SO) & I still have not taken the plunge yet - but we are looking forward to it. Right now - I'm faced with a dilema and could really use some advice - and not really sure where I should post this - so I'm starting here.

How many of you with teens have had them announce to you that he or she is gay or thinks they are gay? I had my 14yo daughter announce this to me this morning over the telephone from the school bus.

So my other questions are:

1. What does a 14yo really know?
2. What makes her so sure she is gay?
3. I'm in a position now where I can't say I do or don't condone it because my SO and I are want to pursue our fantasies which include another woman. Would it be hypocritical of me to say you can't do anything until you're an adult when here I am at 37 with my own curiousities about being with a woman? (I know who and what I am - I am straight with bi curiousities - haven't pursued it yet, but will when the timing is right for me and my SO).
4. How does a parent deal with such an announcement?

Needless to say I'm stunned and have a lot of talking to do with my daughter this evening and over the coming days. Thanks, in advance, for any advice you can offer & have a wonderful day.

Sapphire

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Sapphire67

How many of you with teens have had them announce to you that he or she is gay or thinks they are gay? I had my 14yo daughter announce this to me this morning over the telephone from the school bus.

First of all, DON'T PANIC .

At 14 kids are feeling things out and a lot of times say things just for the shock value.

Our oldest told me one time that she was going to stop dating boys and start dating girls...she was about 18 at the time and was looking for shock value. It got her goat when I told her whatever made her happy was fine with us. The look on her face when she realized that it didn't matter to us was priceless, .

It is possible that your daughter knows for sure that she's gay. Our kids have friends that are and with talking to them they all said they knew at a very young age. In fact, we knew about one of their friends before his parents did and before he told his parents he asked if he could stay with us if they freaked and kicked him out (which we said he could if it came to that, luckily it didn't).

As parents, we always want our children to be happy and take the easy road. I would suggest sitting down and talking to you daughter. She might or might not know what she's talking about, but...if she knows that she's loved no matter what it will make things much easier.

Whether our children turn out gay or straight does it really matter? They are still the same person they have always been and love, support and understanding should not be based on what their sexual orientation is.


Teresa

[biblonde]

I agree with TNT...dont freak...I have a teenage boy who is always telling me how the girls at his school are telling him they are Bi or Gay. I really dont think at that age they really know for sure but they are going through so many changes at that who is to say what they are. I say just support her and have an Adult talk with her about what she is feeling. At that age they need to know they have your support in whatever they decide. She may be going for attention from you or she may really feel she is Gay. The more you support her the better it is for her. You can always go in your room and freak out later when she doesnt know..which is what I do when my boys tell me things that freak me out. It works...lol Best of luck to you in this!!

[Vespertine]

Dito I agree 100% with Teresa.

[northindycpl]

Great advice TNT!

I think the only thing you can do is love her. Chances are she isn't and chances are she is. Nowadays, I am not sure that it is any harder to be Gay than to be a Straight. It seems that Gay is so much more widely accepted now then it was a few years ago.

In fact, our oldest daughter has a friend who has 2 mommies. To her, it meant nothing any different- it never, ever has seemed odd to her. That leads me to believe that her generation is so unbiased, so accepting and it is our generation that thinks it troubling.

The bottom line is to love your daughter NO MATTER WHAT. Be there to listen to her- really listen. I would advise against offering advice to her, but instead just listen. And let her talk to you when she wants to.

[djjwp]

This was one I wish I could pass on...

When my oldest son (19) let me know I was crushed. First came denial, then anger, then I learned to live with it. I still have a hard time with it and don’t tell anyone outside of the family, I would not have told them either except a teacher from his school took it upon herself to tell my sister-in-law who told everyone in the family. I guess she felt as they teach the students that it’s “OK” to be gay then they can tell the world.

In time, you learn to accept it and define rules. He does what he is going to do but not in my house. We have three younger children (5 and under) and we don’t want them to see that behavior yet as it would be very hard to explain.

What is hard for us also is I can handle watching two women having fun and have no issues there; I can also handle two men pleasing a woman, but I can’t handle two guys that are into each other. The wife is 100% straight and has a hard time with any DC behavior. It’s strange, hypocritical but our world. We all have our chosen limits.

You will find that you still love them anyway and learn to accept them for who they are. You will always be concerned that they are at higher risks for AIDs and other issues but it’s best to just learn to love them and support them the best you can and look at the bright side, they will never come home and tell you they’re pregnant!

[BiDrywallChick]

now this is something that I can draw from my own feelings and experiences on. I knew from a young age that I was attracted to both male and female. I just didnt know that it was ok and not the end of the world. 14 (for that matter most of the tween and teen years) are emotionally confusing without the sexual identity crisis. When I told my parents, I ended up married to the first person they could find that wanted a 14 yr old bride. Needless to say, not the reaction I was expecting. At 14 I knew what I was feeling but not what was a healthy way of dealing with it. She may or may not be gay. She may not even really know herself. Bottom line, give her unconditional love and support. As far as your personal fantasies in your sex life, those are yours and your So's. Your daughter really doesnt need to know what goes on in your "bedroom". I would suggest that if she gets an idea thats what is going on and asks you point blank about it. Dont lie. Just be as honest as you can. If you make it a taboo topic, then chances are, more things will be put into the proverbial closet

[Sapphire67]

THANK YOU to those who have replied so far. Your advice is greatly appreciated. I do believe my daughter was going for SHOCK value this morning, and doing so from the bus to her meant she wouldn't have to deal with my reaction in person. What my daughter fails to realize is that she can talk to me about anything. Lately, however, she chooses not to because she thinks I won't listen or understand. What she also fails to realize is that I am human with thoughts and feelings and opinions of my own. I may not always agree with her, however, I speak my peace, advise as best I can as a parent, and allow her to make a choice or decision for herself. It's how we all learn - be it a mistake or positive learning experience.

I suppose it is more "acceptable" to this generation of kids to be bi or gay than in generations past. No matter what we are nowadays - straight, gay or bi - it's a label. The unfortunate part is that no matter the label, there are judgemental people out there that will make assumptions based upon a "label" without even knowing a person.

Her announcement did not stun me per se, it was the manner in which she chose to make the announcement that was unexpected. That is what bothers me... I do plan to have a long discussion with her tonight. I feel if she is old enough to make such an announcement, she is old enough to discuss this in mature, open and honest fashion with me. I'm certain she is thinking I'm going to yell at her or be judgemental or try to change her - but what she doesn't realize is that I love her and her happiness is what is most important.

Again - Thanks!!!
Sapphire

[BiDrywallChick]

Originally Posted by Sapphire67

THANK YOU to those who have replied so far. Your advice is greatly appreciated. I

Her announcement did not stun me per se, it was the manner in which she chose to make the announcement that was unexpected. That is what bothers me... I do plan to have a long discussion with her tonight. I feel if she is old enough to make such an announcement, she is old enough to discuss this in mature, open and honest fashion with me. I'm certain she is thinking I'm going to yell at her or be judgemental or try to change her - but what she doesn't realize is that I love her and her happiness is what is most important.

Again - Thanks!!!
Sapphire

you are probably right on that part. I think that you are taking the right action on it. If she believes that she is adult enough to make that type of choice, then she should be able to have an adult discussion about it. Just have a stress ball in your hand to squeeze so you dont choke her when the teen dramatics start good luck

[djjwp]

Originally Posted by Sapphire67

I suppose it is more "acceptable" to this generation of kids to be bi or gay than in generations past. No matter what we are nowadays - straight, gay or bi - it's a label. The unfortunate part is that no matter the label, there are judgemental people out there that will make assumptions based upon a "label" without even knowing a person.

This is one of my many fears for him. I know their generation will accept him as is but the younger generation does not normally do the hiring. I know he will be in for a hard time with older people and in the work place. I see it at work and know those that are gay are talked about behind their backs and forget promotions.

[NaughtyKitten]

Sapphire,

I have a 14 yo son so I am where you are as far as the parenting road goes. I have personal experience with this issue from a boy we know from the community theater. He already had a hard time due to his parents divorce and was emotionally distraught. He had been keeping his gay feelings to himself for a long time (he was also 14) but with the stress of the divorce he couldn't hold it in anymore and finally "came out" in school when a teacher asked the class what they did that weekend. He said he spent time with his boyfriend. That created an uproar with his religious school. He had no support at school or at home and talked to me a lot about his feelings during play rehearsals. His mother finally accepted it reluctanly but it hurt him to not have their support from the start.

My advice: This may or may not be a phase she is going thru. You won't know that right now. She probably doesn't know that now either. She chose to make the announcement in a "safe" environment surrounded by her peers and away from you in case you freaked. It sounds like she is very vulnerable right now. You just need to support her. If she has your support then she will be able to navigate these feelings a whole lot better. There are support groups for parents of gay children. Maybe you could find one in your area and talk to some of the other parents. They have all been where you are now. Even if she changes her mind the support would be good for you now. I'll try to find a national link to that group for you. I think its called PFLAG (parents of lesbian and gay children). Hope this helps.

[NaughtyKitten]

Just checked -

www.pflag.org

[Sapphire67]

Thanks NK - I'll check it out... :-)

[BiDrywallChick]

Originally Posted by NaughtyKitten

Sapphire,


My advice: This may or may not be a phase she is going thru. You won't know that right now. She probably doesn't know that now either. She chose to make the announcement in a "safe" environment surrounded by her peers and away from you in case you freaked. It sounds like she is very vulnerable right now. You just need to support her. If she has your support then she will be able to navigate these feelings a whole lot better. There are support groups for parents of gay children. Maybe you could find one in your area and talk to some of the other parents. They have all been where you are now. Even if she changes her mind the support would be good for you now. I'll try to find a national link to that group for you. I think its called PFLAG (parents of lesbian and gay children). Hope this helps.

i believe the website for pflag ( or one that links to it is ) pflag

[Pinmonkey]

Don't take the wrong way, but for what it's worth... if she's telling you from the bus, I believe (not knowing you, or your kids) she may have just been trying to get your goat infront of her friends. It seems to me her friends or kids in school would make her into an outcast if it were true. IMO, Kids hate not fitting in and will do anything to be "cool". I'd take it with a grain of salt and carry on.

But then I have no kids, and could be totally wrong. Good luck.