I need advice from parents of teens!

[WA_Cple]

Hi everyone,

Mrs here

I have a problem and I'm not sure what to do... I just got the grade report for my daughter who has just finished 8th grade. She only got a 1.571 GPA this term - this is from a student who has received excellent grades prior to her 8th grade year but this is the worst ever.

How should I respond to this? I feel like taking her to down to the local fast food joint and getting her a job to show her what a 1.571 GPA lifestyle is like... but those pesky child labor laws prevent that from happening...

What should I do? I know about root underlying causes to problems, etc. but I'm sorry... this kid is not on drugs or alcohol... isn't being abused in any way... so what the heck is the problem??!!

I am really at a loss and could use some advice.

Thanks!



Mrs WA

PS - Julie I hope this thread is okay... you can move or delete if its not appropriate!

[Botcpl]

Could it be boys?

[HotCoupleGnS]

Ok, I know you wanted advice from parents with teens. But, I was a teen not too long ago. I started getting bad grades in like 9th grade. Not sure why. I always had good grades. I just got bored with school. I got a job when I was 15. I worked almost everyday. I think it gave me a sense of responsiblity. My grades did improve after that. That was until like 11th grade. That is a whole other story!

[Alura]

I have a son the same age as your daughter (and one 2.5 years younger) so I feel just as unqualified as anyone else to answer your question. We think motivation helps and try to make it as close to a real life situation as possible.

A few years ago we informed our sons that they will not work outside our home. (We've relented a bit on this; more later.) They are our employees; they are students. Their duties include, but are not limited to excelling in school. We pay them a weekly allowance, provided their household chores are done.

They receive bonuses at report card time, $10.00 for each "A," and $5.00 for each "B." Should they get a "C" they pay us $10.00. Therefore, a "C" wipes out an "A." "D's" are not discussed. So far there've been none. They are both on the Honor Roll; the younger boy has qualified for and participates in a "Gifted Students Program."

They each have six classes that receive letter-grades. So, if they make straight "A's," their pay would be $60.00. However, when that happens, and it has become commonplace, they receive a $40.00 "bonus," bringing their total "report card money" to a crisp $100 bill.

Both have TVs and video games in their bedrooms, purchased with "Report Card Money" and savings from their regular "salaries." So far, they've been responsible in doing their homework first.

I'm a hobby mechanic. For several years, I've been working on two '82 Porsche 924s, for the boys. I bought one for $450 and the other for $1,000. They will be the boys' daily drivers when they are licensed, provided they remain on the Honor Roll. If they fail to do that, the cars will be parked until their grades are brought back up.

(For those who freaked out that I would allow my sons to earn Porsches, let me point out that these cars were Porsche's "bottom of the line," perform about the same as a Volkswagen, get over 30 miles per gallon, but have very strong bodies. The interiors are too small except for the most creative sex. Since both our boys are fairly large, I don't anticipate a problem with that. In addition, I will install a custom ignition system with a rev limiter, allowing me to further reduce the top-end performance without harming low-end performance.)

For the past year, the older boy has been mowing a neighbor's lawn for $10. We match any money they put into their college "spending money" accounts. Our son asked the neighbor if he would match any of his lawn mowing money that he puts into savings. (If you don't ask, you will never receive.) Amused, the neighbor agreed. Recently, the neighbor spent a month in Europe. Our son mowed his lawn weekly and was paid a fifty-dollar check when he returned. In accordance with their agreement, Fourteen deposited the money in his account and delivered the receipt to the neighbor, who went to the bank and deposited another $50.00. Fourteen then came to me and said, "Dad, I deposited $50.00 into my savings," whereupon I transferred another $50.00 into it. Pretty shrewd, No?

Both boys have set goals of going to collego on a combination of Band and Academic scholarships. So far, they're on course.

Mrs. Alura and I hope to teach our sons, "as ye sow, so shall ye reap." When applied to economics, this means that if you work hard, and do a superior job, you will be rewarded, and if you work very hard, you will do quite well indeed.

Mr. Alura

[HotCoupleGnS]

Alura, that sounds like such a good idea! I am saving those ideas for when my boys are old enough!

[Alura]

Thanks, HotCouple!

I don't know how old your sons are now, HotCouple, but if we had it to do over, we'd have begun the program in Pre-school, especially the savings part. (They were lucky enough to have attended a very good one at Will Rogers Methodist Church at about sixth and Yale. By the time they started school at Union they were way ahead of the other students in counting, reading and vocabulary.) We moved to Jenks when Fourteen was in third grade and Twelve was in first. We are very pleased with Jenks' college prep program and would recommend, if you're looking to move, that you check out the district first.

Alura

[HotCoupleGnS]

Our sons are 1 & 3. Yes we are looking to move. There are not any good schools here in Tulsa, unless you wanna pay. Both hubby & I graduated from Owasso. I just graduated in 2000, so I think my perspective of that H.S. would still be somewhat correct. My perspective of thqat school is not good at all. We have considered Jenks. It is nice to get an opinion from someone we know. (Even though we haven't met, we feel you opinions are all very good.)

Question, how would you start that program with kids that are my kids age? The 1 year old has no consepct of money yet, lol. But the 3 year old, he does know what money is. He knows Daddy goes to work to make money to but things. But I really want them to have a respect for money at a young age. I didn't have a rescpect & knowledge of money until I was 15. But boy that job sure did the trick!

[Elusive BiFem]

I'm not a teen, don't have teens, have never had teens...but I was one. Part of the reason I'm responding here is because I went through some really tough times starting in the 8th grade, too, and it was a downhill slide from that point forward. Along the lines of "the hurrieder I went, the behinder I got."

For me, it had much to do with divorce of parents, moving, change of schools, etc. However, it also had to do with the curriculum in school. For me, the 8th grade was a huge change in that we were expected to function on a higher level than previously. We were all going through some of those hormonal changes and the focus wasn't on study, but more on the little boys. The other thing that was, in retrospect, really important is that my mother more or less ignored the entire situation, and of course, being a kid, that suited me just fine. At that time. I think it was in part because of her own guilt feelings over the divorce, etc. Years later, when I graduated, I didn't go to college right off the bat because I honestly believed I was a really stupid person at that point. Several years later, when I decided to pursue a degree (at my own expense!), it took a lot of courage and determination, but ultimately, the completion of that degree was the highlight of my life. I did exceedingly well in school because I had many years of feeling stupid to make up for and I probably put some undue stress on myself. Completion of that degree was the highlight of my life not so much as because I had actually finished, but moreso from the sense of accomplishment I finally had after all those years. I was able to prove to myself I wasn't stupid. And then all things became possible for me. Life would have been so much simpler had I had that foundation and strong sense of self-esteem early on.

The reason I share this with you is to say, please...don't ignore it or let it go unnoticed or unrecognized (not that I think you would).

Kids that age are begging for direction, some control, goals, restraints...that sort of thing. I honestly believe parents sometimes have to dish out "tough love" in order to help their teens accomplish what they, the teen, really wants to accomplish. And administering "tough love" is really a tough job for the parent, and very time-consuming. So much of what happens at this vulnerable age has life-long consequences for kids...for their sense of self-esteem and self-accomplishment. I can't stress how important I think it is for parents to be fully involved in their teens lives - even when those same teens are saying "leave me alone!"

Personally, I've never believed in monetary rewards as described by Mr. Alura, tho' that is probably the result of my own up-bringing. However, I will say I've met those boys and finer and more gentlemanly boys you will never find. I believe I once described their home as being a "happy" home. You feel it when you walk in the door. And those boys contribute to that feeling of a "happy" home.

Hope you aren't put off by a non-parent responding...it is a sincere response. And I do have two dogs that act like teens. Does that count? - EBF

[Alura]

Again, I feel as unqualified as anyone else... But thanks for the vote of confidence, HotCouple!

Right or wrong, I'd get the three year old on a program. Explain that you are going to give him a job, just like daddy. This is the work he has to do, put away his toys, watch his younger brother, whatever you can dream up. His pay will be $2.00 (or whatever y'all decide on) a week. Make sure he understands that if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid.

Three will be eligible for Pre School at Will Rogers Methodist next year, I believe, and the teachers do a wonderful job. We ran into one of our sons' teachers several weeks ago. She remembered both our boys. She's still there. Wonderful lady. Excellent teacher. If my memory is right, they give 1, 2, and 3 grades, easily worked into the system.

Half of his salary he will put into his savings and you will match it. (Our boys started off with little metal lock boxes to keep their money in and still use them for pocket change. When they get $100 saved up, most banks will start a youth account for them. The interest sucks, but that doesn't matter. When they get over $1,000 they can buy C.D.s or, in some cases, mutual funds.)

Let them spend the other dollar but encourage them to save that, too, until they have five or ten dollars so they can buy something worthwhile. The matched funds should be saved for college. Hopefully, we can teach our sons patience as well as frugality.

Hell, I don't know. It could work!

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie]

I'm not a parent but I was a teenager. And I did go from being a straight A student who actually skipped 5th grade to all but failing 8th and 9th grade.... and continuing to be an average student after that. Why? The failing was on purpose, I wasn't happy with where I was at. I wanted to be around kids my own age. But once I got past that I didn't do any better because I didn't feel a need to.

1. I was bored. School wasn't very challenging and I had no reason to try.
2. I knew if I did the minimum I could get by with B's and C's and even some A's. I figured that out after trying to fail 9th grade and still passing all but one class.

In 8th grade I had other issues. Typically 8th grade is a new school for kids... for me it wasn't just a new school but the first year I was ever in a public school. Do you talk to your daughter a lot about school? Does she get along well with others? Does she feel stressed to fit in? Too often the "cool" kids are the ones that don't do well in school and there is pressure to fit in with them. If she was previously a straight A student then she may have entered 8th grade and been looked at as a "geek", so by making less of an effort and allowing her grades to drop she may have been trying to get that mark off of her head and fit in more.

Alura makes a very good point as well. My bf has an 8 year old who was living with his mother until this last semester and doing rather poorly in school. My bf uses similar incentives to what Alura described, down to letting him know that school IS his job. As well as taking time to sit down with him on a nightly basis and make sure that he is getting his homework done and studying and he ended the year as most improved student in his class.... and went from failing spelling tests to Acing them on a regular basis.

[Alura]

Thanks, EBF. You bring a happy tear to my eye.

Mr. Alura

[Olympia221]

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

The reason I share this with you is to say, please...don't ignore it or let it go unnoticed or unrecognized (not that I think you would).

Kids that age are begging for direction, some control, goals, restraints...that sort of thing.

Again, my children are still little but I was also a teen not that long ago. I couldn't agree with EBF any more!! I had the same troubles starting in 8th grade. My problem? Lack of parental supervision and guidance, and BOYS!

For me, if my divorced parents were each going to be wrapped up in their own lives to the point where I felt more or less alone, boys nicely filled that void for me. My parents also were of the philosophy that they could arm me with loads of facts about sex, drugs, etc. and then set me free to make informed choices. However, what they forgot about was that I was still a KID! I knew that having sex could get me pregnant, or give me an STD...but I still did it. I was not armed with how to deal with my emotions or even knew I felt such a void due to their parenting style. And even more scary, I was the one who would dispense sexual health knowledge to every one else's teenagers, including how to manipulate your birth control pills for more convenient periods and what not.

Starting at about 8th grade, I had serious boyfriends and then the kicker, I got pregnant at 17. I chose to keep and raise my son, and the one that came when I was just barely 20. But get this...I lost my virginity and most likely got pregant IN MY OWN BEDROOM AT HOME. If my parents had been more strict, gave me some actual direction, or asked questions far more often, who knows how different my teenage years would have been.

But please note, this all started in 8th grade, basically that when girls notice boys and then realize they can DO something about it!! I'm not saying that this is directly related to your situation, but some elements could help.

Good Luck!

[Alura]

Olympia wrote:

But please note, this all started in 8th grade, basically that when girls notice boys and then realize they can DO something about it!! I'm not saying that this is directly related to your situation, but some elements could help.

One of my biggest fears is that one of my sons might help a young lady to get pregnant. We've talked about it a lot and both have assured me they know what the consequences are and that it won't happen. I hope they'll talk to me when the times comes. They talk about most everything now...

Crossed fingers here.

Mr. Alura

[2hot2handle]

I am a teacher and I see this alot. It seems that some of the best students become 9th or 8th graders and decide that they need a break. I know it sounds crazy but they just decide that they have made A's for so long so they can just not do anything for a while and still pass.

Just sit down and have a open talk tell her that even screwing up for one year can change her future and where she ends up. Hope I helped

[OhioCouple]

This could be for any of an abundance of reasons, WA. I've raised three children as a single parent and each had a 'crisis' year, all for different reasons. One for thinking that sports was the be-all-end-all, another for thinking boys were way too cool, and another that just flat out wanted more attention from me. What worked for me was keeping an eye on their grades and their actions. When I first noticed a problem I did some of the old "What the heck is up with this stuff? I'm so very disappointed in you." Usually just telling them that I was disappointed was more than enough to bring them out to talking about whatever problem they were having.

Try to open communication with your youngster...and if you are lucky, you'll only have one year of this hoopla to contend with.