Inviting a non-swinger for a threesome

[Cutecouple30]

A little background.... Mr and I have been married 6 years, have 3 children, are both 30. We have been intersted in swinging for quite a few years and are in a place where we are ready to go for it. We are interested in MFM, FMF, and possibly even full-swap eventually (one step at a time!) Neither of us have ANY experience, so we are just kind of flying by the seat of our pants, but have gotten a lot of great advice and info from this site.
ANYWAYS..... He has a friend (male) we would like to ask to join us for our first MFM adventure. This person is very attractive to me, has known Mr. since they were kids, they work for the same company, although not in the same dept, and he trusts him completely. I have hung out with him occasionally, gone to parties he's attended, gone camping together, etc. I'm attracted to him and he just seems like the perfect guy for our first (and possibly 2nd, 3rd, etc.) experience. The thing is he (as far as we know) isn't in the lifestle. We have no idea what he will say.
Mr. is going to ask him in the next few days what his thoughts are and ask if he's interested. Is this the 'correct' way to proceed? Should we be asking someone who is probably not in the lifestyle? Any advice on how we should get together? I want things to be as comfortable as possible...I'm sure we will all be a little nervous if this pans out. Advice? Help? Please?

[Sweet_Candy]

We would proceed into this with caution. If for some reason this doesnt work out there could be work-related repercussions. Understand that if you go through with this the dynamics of the relationship will change for good, bad, whatever but they will change. Once you cross the bridge there's no turning back. Good luck!

[sexyshelby]

In our past MFM experiences, my boyfriend initiated it by asking the other guy if he thought I was hot and would he like to have sex with me...or something along those lines. This seemed to work for us.

However, in this situation, because he is a co-worker, I would be extremely careful. You may want to try to feel him out a bit first. Try flirting with him a bit and see how he reacts.

Just remember, that like Sweet_Candy said, things will change and you can't change them back.

Good luck.

~SS

[Nervous1023]

Have you a chance to ask yourself how you would feel if the situaton was reversed? Could you let hubby be with your lifelong friend knowing he was attracted? I personally think this can lead to problems. But I'm new too.

[WesternSwing]

The only problem here is "loose lips sink ships". He may be in a different department, but what if he let it slip that you two are swingers? What would be the reprocussions at your husband's work? You want to trust him, but are you absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he won't talk? Keep in mind that in most people's minds in this situation he is the stud for having sex with someone else's wife and you two are the freaks. He would keep his job and your hubby could lose his.

Even asking him, if he says "no" could be trouble in that he could go to a buddy and say "Dude, guess what Joe just asked me!" and your outed.

This is why we have a "no coworkers" rule.

If you are absolultely sure he will keep it silent (which if he is smart he will because it will just insure him more fun in the future) then go for it. Have hubby ask him "hey, the Mrs. and I have been thinking about a threesome and we think you are the one we'd like to explore this with."

If he says "yes" then you all need to get together and discuss this beforehand so you are all on the same page about what is going to happen and what will happen afterward.

Mr. WS

[slolrner]

My thoughts on this are that normally I would never have anything to do with somebody from work. However, since you have known this person since childhood, you already know if they gossip, know if they are the kind of person you wouldn't be able to trust with this information.

So, just out of hand I wouldn't give this person a "your out" just because of some rule. You guys know this person really, really well - is he the type of person you can trust, even if he gets mad?

Only you can answer this question. It is sort of wierd that you known this guy since childhood, but don't know if he would be intrested in a lifestyle opportunity.

[Cutecouple30]

Have you a chance to ask yourself how you would feel if the situaton was reversed? Could you let hubby be with your lifelong friend knowing he was attracted?

Well, I have to be attracted to someone I'm going to have sex with...and no, I wouldn't have a problem if the situation were reversed. WE want him involved in a 3some with US. I don't want to cheat on my husband with him...difference.

He may be in a different department, but what if he let it slip that you two are swingers? What would be the reprocussions at your husband's work? You want to trust him, but are you absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he won't talk? Keep in mind that in most people's minds in this situation he is the stud for having sex with someone else's wife and you two are the freaks. He would keep his job and your hubby could lose his.

This is someone hubby trusts completely and this guy has confided BIGTIME secrets with hubby. Idon't see him flapping his jaws to anyone. I don't see how my husband would lose his job?

So, just out of hand I wouldn't give this person a "your out" just because of some rule. You guys know this person really, really well - is he the type of person you can trust, even if he gets mad?

I'm not sure I understand this? Can someone clarify?

It is sort of wierd that you known this guy since childhood, but don't know if he would be intrested in a lifestyle opportunity.

Hubby 'knows' he would say yes, I guess it's me that is unsure. I don't know him super well. I haven't known him, myself, since childhood. Oh, and I don't know if he is attracted to me either (I'm very attractive, but everyone has their 'type'.)

Thanks for the advice/insight. Keep it coming!

[LOL_OMG]

I think this is a matter of your own judgement and it's hard to put a yes or no stamp on any given situation. This has come up for us as well in the past and I had a big huge "this happened to us" all typed in but thought better of it. Your husband's working relationship and even friendship will change because of it and they will never look at each other the same again (could be good, could be bad). Just make sure you've thought it out well and then do what you guys want. That's what it's all about after all

[valley]

It is our motto;Make swingers friends,but not friends swingers.

Finding swingers is easier than finding good friends.We dont believe in risking losing a friends respect by inviting him/her into our bedroom.

[davidnjoy]

Valley, I love that motto. I would encourage this couple to explore their area clubs and their own reactions to the swinging scene before, as newbies, appraoching a friend. Also the fact that "he" has known this guy since childhood and is not really sure how he would react and is a co-worker all, in my mind, point towards being cautious. Some things when out of the box are awfully difficult to put back in. If they do decide to go foward the best advice I could give would be to just relax and let the evening take its course. If it is meant to happen it will...trust me. If not, then not. Don't force it. In our experience it is always best to just go with the flow.

D

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by Nervous1023

Have you a chance to ask yourself how you would feel if the situaton was reversed? Could you let hubby be with your lifelong friend knowing he was attracted? I personally think this can lead to problems. But I'm new too.

Although we've had opportunities present themselves, we've never actually taken the plunge. With that in mind, we completely agree with the above comment. Adding a close personal friend of your husband's, who you admittedly have an attraction to, seems pretty risky to us. On top of that, this man works for the same company that your husband does, which is a disaster waiting to happen. All this other guy has to do is let it slip (not even on purpose) that he is having sex with the married woman of a co-worker, and all hell can break lose. That kind of gossip makes the rounds faster than a speeding bullet. Have you or your husband even entertained the thought that this secret may very well come out in his workplace? How do you both feel about that?

If we were to ever attempt a threesome (either MFM or FMF), we would want that third person to have no type of relationship with either of us. Seeing your spouse with another person for the first time is risky enough as is, all the emotions that can surface. Having that third person be a close personal friend of either one of us adds another dimension, that in our opinion, is best left after you've had some experience in the lifestyle, such as many of the regular posters on this board. Again, while we've never, and probably never will, progress any further than talking, we've gotten A LOT of information from this board to help us reach an informed decision that is right for us. We hope you use all the threads to that end.

[Cutecouple30]

Okay, I must say I am kinda bummed about the negative response I have recieved by most. I guess we just have to go with our gut feeling...that this is right. We have talked and imagined every possible scenario (including negative) and are both comfortable and can handle whatever comes of it. We think it will be a wonderful experience. I do have a question for those who strongly oppose the situation...what is so different between my thread and this one:
http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...read.php?t=615
That person got a much more positive response about involving friends.

Also, I am sooo confused by the whole "you have an attraction to him...this is risky." Should I not be attracted to someone I will potentially have sex with? Personally, I hope to have an attraction to whomever we eventually explore this with. If we have the chance to do a FMF, it HAS to be with someone Mr is attracted to as well.

[Alura]

Negativity breeds negativity, Cute Couple.

While I certainly understand the reluctance to play with a friend of long duration, I feel it doesn't have to be a threat to that friendship. In fact, we once played with a friend I've known over thirty years. That was about fifteen years ago. He and his wife have divorced since then so we never played again but he is still a friend. We're both just thankful for the good time we had that night.

The stronger the friendship the more likely you are to remain friends after the fact. That's pretty much true of married couples, too.

If your husband hasn't asked him yet, I have one suggestion. Don't ask a question that can be answered "yes" or "no." Try, "How do you feel about group sex?" rather than "You wanna fuck my wife, Old Pal?"

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Alura

[Cutecouple30]

Thanks, Alura...

Yeah, he still hasn't brought the subject up yet...but that is how he has planned to. By first asking what his thoughts are on 3sums, etc. "You wanna fuck my wife, Old Pal?" ...It would never come out of his mouth that way!

[good times]

I don't think I posted to your question either negetively or in a positive way, but I think I can answer your question.

Originally Posted by Cutecouple30

I do have a question for those who strongly oppose the situation...what is so different between my thread and this one:
http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...read.php?t=615
That person got a much more positive response about involving friends.

I think the main difference and the reason I would be much more carefull in this situation is that he and your husband work for the same company. We have seen many posts and some of us have personal experience which makes us believe that mixing work and swinging can often go wrong in a bad way, and should be avoided.

Originally Posted by Cutecouple30

Also, I am sooo confused by the whole "you have an attraction to him...this is risky." Should I not be attracted to someone I will potentially have sex with? Personally, I hope to have an attraction to whomever we eventually explore this with. If we have the chance to do a FMF, it HAS to be with someone Mr is attracted to as well.

As long as it is just physical attraction then the answer is, yes, of course you need to be attracted to him. On the other hand if you have an emotional attraction to him that usually isn't good in swinging. The reason I think some people might think it would be risky is that it seems to me that it is much easier to develope emotional feelings for a long time friend than it is for someone you are not so intimately familiar with.


Personally, we have approached friends before and it did not go well, but it is a decision you have to make for yourselves as others have had it work out just fine.