Wife wants to play with friend from High School - Is this a Red Flag?

[terry&kelly]

First and foremost let me explain that my wife and I are completely new to this lifestyle and I need guidance. We have been married for fourteen years and dated in high school. We are both 32 and have children and we are very happy together. Recently I found out that my wife has had a long-term crush or infatuation with a man that we both knew from our high school days. We have spoken about him and she had expressed an interest on inviting him into our lives for a threesome, then I discovered that after all of these years she had kept tabs on him utilizing the Internet. My wife knew that he had become a semi professional sports athlete, he had never married, she also knew his current address and phone number, etc. I had expressed to her that I would like to see her and another man together, but I did not want her to fall in love with him. While this was a great fantasy for us over the past three months it became clear that my wife was serious on starting a relationship with this man, she scheduled an appointment to get on the pill (I have had a vasectomy), started working out more, and started talking about him more. Last week we decided to make the call to him, and he and my wife made small talk and caught up. The following day she started to send him e-mails and they are getting progressively more and more graphic; she has also scheduled a phone sex encounter for this weekend with this man. I am happy so far because she has discussed each e-mail with me and even asked for my input on each e-mail and she wants me present during the phone sex session, but I am also worried because she has expressed the desire to spend time alone with him and possibly going up north to visit him for the weekend. They are currently working on him flying down for a weekend visit. I am seeking advice because I am concerned that she may get too caught up in this and actually fall in love with him especially since she has been so preoccupied with him for 14 years. I have spoken to him about it and he told me that he does not want a relationship with my wife just fun. My wife told me that I am worrying too much about it and over analyzing everything. I have noticed that since we made contact with him she is in a constant state of arousal, and constantly thinking of him. My wife has also explained to me that I should not become concerned because she feels that she could love both of us and that she has a fantasy of a polyamory life with him, and that she is not interested in a one night stand but a long term long distance relationship with him. I am concerned because I am afraid that I cannot stop things that have already been set in motion, I do not want to loose my wife and I don’t want to permanently share her with this other man. Does anyone see any red flags in this or am I overreacting.

[Vespertine]

Yeah, I see a few red flags.

Particularly this one:

she has expressed the desire to spend time alone with him and possibly going up north to visit him for the weekend.

And this one...

My wife has also explained to me that I should not become concerned because she feels that she could love both of us and that she has a fantasy of a polyamory life with him, and that she is not interested in a one night stand but a long term long distance relationship with him.

The going on the birth control and being excited and more aroused is normal.

The one-on-one thing makes me wonder. That takes this arrangement away from swinging and leans it toward an open relationship. Would she be comfortable with you going away with a woman, alone while she stayed home with the kids?

The other red flag I see is the word, Love. She also admits to you that she has a fantasy of polyamory arrangement. Is this what you're looking for too?

These two things, to me, take away from swinging as a couple. It takes the sexual charge & the naughty hobby that the two of you share together and turns it into an individual thing. It's not a 'We' thing anymore. It's separate from the relationship altogether.

[JennyMac]

My husband and I are new as well but are still technically "vanilla"
This sounds to us way too much intimacy. The things that we understand about swinging is not polyamory. The two are compltely different. We agree with Ves. We have spent a lot of time on this site as of late and she is definately in red flag zone. There are people who have polyamory lifestyles and are very happy, but it doesn't sound as if that is what YOU are looking for. And this experience should be about the both of you, not just her. It's good and fine to help her fufill her fantasy if you agree and it arouses you too... but you start bringing love and alone time into it and you are headed for a disaster. Just our opinion!


Jenn

[CB_n_Red]

We see the same big red flags as Vespertine.

Unless the poly route is the one you want to go down, and the tone of your post suggests that it isn't, it looks like a recipe for major problems.

Above all, the pace of events appears to be way outside of your comfort zone and as such should slow down (or even stop) to the point where you are comfortable with it.

It's a good question - would your wife be happy with you doing something similar? You really need to talk honestly to your wife about your feelings. If she then decides to press on regardless you'll know where you stand. We do hope it doesn't work out like that.

There's major input from Red in this response as she nearly went down this road once, but realised quickly enough what the potential risk was. A near miss for us. Hope you can benefit from our experience.

CB & Red

[birdieone]

Red Flag!

It is obvious she is chasing a dream or fantacy and you are in the back seat on her emotional ride.

You have stated that you do not want a long term relationship with this man. She wants to spend time "alone" with him, she is getting back on the pill and so the story goes.

Stop!

Ask yourself some questions like;
Would she let me do this with an old HS Flame?
Is this why I got married, so my wife can explore a polyamory relationship?
What about You, have you communicated your feelings honestly?
Have your thoughts and wishes fallen on deaf ears?

Your instincts are telling you something is not right and so is your anxeity level. Step back, regroup and have a heartfelt conversation with the wife, if your thoughts and feelings are being brushed off as "over analyzing" and she is still bent on keeping tabs on this guy, swinging or a polyamory lifestyle relationship is not going to help your marriage.

Please keep us posted and good luck.

[northindycpl]

I would be concerned too. The biggest issue is 'love' and 'polyamory'. I don't think that this is a good arrangement at all, and I would not want my wife to continue.

I think your concerns, all of them, should be discussed, and I think she should end it.

This isn't a swinging situation.

[LikeMinds321]

Your wife wants to fall in love again. This isn't saying she doesn't love you completely, but only that falling in love feels wonderful, and I think this is the experience she is seeking.

Do you want to share your love for your wife with another man?

If not, tell her so.

She's not looking to swing, not really. I don't think even she knows this. You both need to read more about the philosopy of swinging before you get involved.

It's time to sit down and have a serious talk with your wife. From the way you've expressed the situation, I think it would be a very bad idea to swing with this man because your wife envisions falling in love with him. I wonder if he is aware of her intentions.

Good luck in sorting this out.

LM

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Your wife wants to fall in love again. This isn't saying she doesn't love you completely, but only that falling in love feels wonderful, and I think this is the experience she is seeking.

I think LM is right.

There's nothing better than that 'New Love' feeling...

Well, there's one thing better and that's a marriage that two people work hard at to keep exciting and new. There are ways to get that 'New Love' feeling back in a marriage, you just need to discover them together.

I don't think swinging will help achieve it though, this is something you need to work at alone, just the two of you.

But it is so well worth it.

[NakedInSeattle]

As usual, I agreee with Vespertine (I hope she is as pretty as she is smart). Further, I can speak from experience re this particular polyamory. I was the outside guy in a polyamorous triangle for a time. We all thought that it could work but and it did for a while. But then when I needed to have something near full-fledged rights (other than sex) I was reminded that I was the third wheel on the bicycle and not really necessary and my need to be an equal partner was not appreciated. I'm sure the pretty part of the triangle felt at least a little pulled between us two guys and of course, she made the correct choice. Your pretty one may not be as strong or as wise.

My advise is to find as much love as you can within yourself and as much playing with play buddies if you need it and stay away from the ideas like "she has enough love for two guys." It sounds good. I'm hear to tell you, it ain't.

Good luck. You can double-click my avatar and then email me directly if you would like more thoughts.

[intuition897]

Hi terry&kelly, Welcome to the board.

I am hesitant to give any advice about this because swinging is not the same as polyamory. We share our bodies and friendship, but that's about it. Polys focus on developing intimacy not only between the primary partners, but amongst their web of partners as well. I won't even pretend to understand the ins and outs of it, but I'm not about to pass judgment. I'd suggest finding some sites and forums devoted to polyamory and ask for advice there. All I can see is that there may be some tough decisions on the horizon for the two of you; someone is going to have to give something up.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

[EvilMJ]

I have major RED FLAG warnings going up.

The hair on the back of my neck rose when I read that she was keeping tabs on him for 14 years, and now wants a poly relationship with him. My first question was..has anyone thought about the feelings and needs of the children here? My friend and her hubby were in a poly relationship for some time and I felt that her daughter suffred the most, especially after it broke up. (I am not saying that all poly relationships are like this, just indicating that the potential is there).

I would be extremly hurt and disappointed if my husband was watching some woman for all those years when he committed his life to marrying me. She is not suggesting swinging and honestly it does not sound like she has checked with what you want or how you feel (ofcourse I only know what I have read and could be easily completely wrong).

I think you two need to talk before things get way out of hand.

[JustAskJulie]

Red Flags - definately red flags - starting with the fact that she has kept tabs on this guy since HS and you didn't know about it. Moving from there to the fact that despite your protests (I assume you told her you weren't comfortable with her pursuing this particular guy?) that she progressed this far already. And thirdly and most importantly the fact that you are not comfortable with her having alone time (nor would I be in this situation) yet she is planning it.

You need to sit down with her and have a very long talk about what is making you uncomfortable - I'm getting the feeling that you haven't done this. It might be that once she has him and has lived out this long term fantasy it will be over, but it may be that there is more to it than meets the eye, and this, to me, has gone on too long to not trust your gut.

[flassh]

To me it sounds alot like the classic story of the "deer and headlights" scene. YOU are the deer standing on the road; the headlights have frozen you when she disclosed the long term thoughts for the other guy. Your posting reads well. I found myself screaming louder and louder at you to "get out of the way of the impending impact."

[it'sso]

I suggest you inform her that you are more than willing to accommodate her wishes, if she, too, is comfortable with your having an ongoing relationship with a younger woman.
Then, see if you can hire a "young looker-hooker" to present to her as your
own dalliance.

[Chicup]

The only thing worse than posting in a 2 year old thread that never had a follow up, is a 2 year old thread that gets necromanced back to the active topics with bad advice.