Swingers interviewed - things they say!

[Tybee Swing]

This news article on swinging and swingers was recently published in a Jacksonville news forum:

Swingers: Lifestyle More Common Than Most Think
Mental Health Counselor Sees Problems With Swinging Lifestyle


JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Some couples in Jacksonville who are married but
also sexually active with other couples -- swingers -- said the
lifestyle may be more common than many people think.

They said everyday couples are swapping partners. In the River City,
there are clubs, magazines and even fliers that are dedicated to
promoting what's called "the lifestyle."

Channel 4's Emily Pantelides talked to Jacksonville couples who swap
partners. All of them asked that their identities be concealed and that
the voices be altered.

"It's not embarrassing. It's just a part of our life we would rather not
share," said one husband.

He and his wife said they are like every other married couple in
Jacksonville. They have kids, normal jobs and a normal sex life
together.

"She never has to worry about me cheating on her," he said.

However, the self-proclaimed normal couple is living the swingers'
lifestyle. They keep it a secret and said thousands of others in
Jacksonville do the same.

"There're more people than you would think," one husband said. "You go,
meet a couple, y'all dance, have drinks. If everything works out and
everybody likes everybody, you take it to the next level and you go back
and you all four have sex."

Another man, who has been married for eight years, told Channel 4 he is
also a Jacksonville swinger and that he and his wife swap partners
regularly.

"Me and my wife meet other people online, or sometimes we will go out to
regular clubs around town. Another couple catches your eye and ...
yeah," he said.

He said to think that swinging is not happening is naïve and that
people from all walks of life, from mechanics to doctors to senators and
celebrity couples, are swingers.

He said he does not feel like he has been cheating on his wife because
he has her permission.

"When you see your husband with somebody else do you ever get jealous?"
Pantelides asked.

"At first, sometimes. It just depends on who it is," the wife said.

The swingers said the lifestyle is fun, and they also said they swing to
save their marriages.

"It actually keeps marriages together," said one husband. "It just
enhances your sex life."

Ann Hawthorne, a licensed mental health counselor who has provided
therapy for regular couples and couples who swing, said she disagrees
that the lifestyle actually keeps marriages together.

"To watch your partner in a compromising position of intimacy with a
third or fourth party really does ruin respect for each other,"
Hawthorne said. "I think any marriage that needs that type of
enhancement is in trouble to begin with."

She said the main problem she sees is a difference in what each partner
wants when he or she swing.

"Some partners get jealous because their partners are actually enjoying
it more than with them," Hawthorne said.

One of the couples said some of the things Hawthorne stated are true.

"That's true, but with us it's different," said one husband.

He said he's met people who were unhappy living the swinging lifestyle.

"Absolutely. The girls are being forced, or the guy's not happy. Those
are the ones we don't hang out with. If you do it right, it's good," he
said.

Pantelides also reported that a major part of the swinging lifestyle is
protection, saying the people with whom she spoke told her protection
goes without saying.

[Tybee Swing]

"She never has to worry about me cheating on her," he said.

How come virtually every time a swinger is interviewed by the media, they make a comment like this? It leads people to think that swinging is an alternative to cheating...as if he'd be cheating on his wife if she didn't "let" him swing. I guess there are a lot of swingers out there who really think this way, since so many of them say it. Personally, for my husband and I, cheating is simply not an option. If we weren't swinging, we would not be cheating. To us, swinging is the opposite of cheating (openness, honesty, being together). The quote above makes swinging sound like cheating's first cousin. :rollseyes

The swingers said the lifestyle is fun, and they also said they swing to save their marriages.

Geeeez! No, we don't swing to save our marriage. If our marriage was in trouble and needed saving, I think that starting to swing under those conditions could probably destroy it. We (husband and I) believe we need to be very close and have a strong, healthy relationship for this to work out for us. It's what we look for in other couples, too. I don't think I've personally met any swingers whose marriage was on the brink of disaster, they started swinging, and their relationship was magically "saved". I guess there must be some out there though, or why would they be saying this to the media?

Ann Hawthorne, a licensed mental health counselor who has provided therapy for regular couples and couples who swing, said she disagrees that the lifestyle actually keeps marriages together.

"To watch your partner in a compromising position of intimacy with a third or fourth party really does ruin respect for each other," Hawthorne said. "I think any marriage that needs that type of enhancement is in trouble to begin with."

Of course, the mental health counselor only meets with couples who are there because they're in trouble - they have serious issues, and most couples who finally make it to counseling are already pretty far gone (damaged relationships). However, I believe she's telling the truth about what she's seen...messed-up couples who have jealousy issues and disrespect issues toward each other, because they shouldn't have been swinging in the first place. They probably tried it for all the wrong reasons.

As far as needing that type of enhancement (as the doctor said), we don't feel that we need it. With it or without it, we are on solid ground. Our sex life doesn't suffer any when we're not swinging, either.

How come they never seem to interview people like those of us on this board who don't swing as an alternative to cheating, and don't swing to "save" messed-up relationships?

[ohash01]

How come they never seem to interview people like those of us on this board who don't swing as an alternative to cheating, and don't swing to "save" messed-up relationships?

There's a theory I have. The media goes out before interviewing and looks for people who are the most messed up, communication-retarded, inept at describing things, sensationalists, and as un-attractive as can possibly be. Granted, the people here were blurred out, so we have no idea of their attractive level.

I can't tell you how many nights I watch the news and let's say there's been a robbery. There's suddenly a 400lb woman, with bucky teeth, a droopy eye, no bra on, who is panting because she's over-excited, the interviewer asks what happened and she starts shouting going "I seen it! He done did it! Then he ran that-a-way!" And so, calmly the interviewer tries again..."What did you see?" "He done it! He done it! He comes a-running out with a bag of stuff and somethin' shiny - coulda been a gun!" Oh geez...at this point I change the channel.

That interview was the swinging version of the 400lb woman I just described. They're there. They've "seen" it, but they really have NO idea what they're talking about.

[oncewere]

Advoctive journalism is the most popular mode today. The writer has a point of view and only uses quotes that further that point. I was interviewed for 45 minutes by TV journalists. They only used two brief clips out of context where I seemed to contradict my point of view through the rest of the interview.

A reporter is also in a hurry to put the story together so many take just enough time, just enough interviews to fill the time slot and make the point. Don't look for thoroughness. I've seen so much biased reporting that I can't take much of TV news seriously. The issues are "Does it sell? Does it make my point?" not "does it tell the truth." BTW, good hair is more important than competence.

Ditto Tybee Swing. Always suspect statistics gathered by counselors as they have a very skewed sample group, only dealing with people with big problems.

In my classes I'd make the point that "There are no dumb questions here" but I'd point out that some questions are dumb. Just listen to questions reporters ask in press conferences. :rollseyes :rollseyes


Sorry to be such a cynic.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by oncewere

Sorry to be such a cynic.

Cynicism is a beautiful thing - and sometimes right on the money.

I agree with you Tybee. The people they interview do nothing but further sully a rather sullied image. Swinging is to cheating what football is to checkers. We entered swinging because we could - not because we needed to or thought is would save/fix/salvage something.

In fact, if anything, swinging has improved my ability to keep up with the staggering sexual demands of Mrs Spoo

I'd love to see a balanced interview with some of the folks on this board! I love to see them use the entire cross section of couples* here. But, as has been pointed out, we wouldn't sell papers or buttress a slanted point of view.

Normal, well-adjusted, sexually adventurous couples are pretty boring. But at least we don't have to spend our time and money talking to marriage counselors

Spoomonkey

*I say couples, not singles because of the insinuations in the article on the state of a swinging marriage.

[DBL D]

I'd have to say that we didn't start because of a problem in the marriage. I think most came to the realization that we would like to be with others sexually and that had to be introduced to our spouses. So that probably could be looked at as a problem in the marriage. Fortunately, even though it doesn't sound like it, my wife has decided, on her own (not without me), to continue even though we don't still seem to have the same level of interest.

I've been told that we really aren't ready to swing because of that issue. Well, I love my wife more than anything still and she does me too.

On to those interviews. Some people are honest enough to say that it saved their marriage. Doesn't sit well with most of us I know, but that's what it took to make them feel complete.

I agree...cheating and swinging should never be confused with each other.

Male D

[intuition897]

GRRR! I just HATE articles like these! They'll name the "expert" including all her credentials, and she gives a completely uneducated and condescending judgment. The couples she counsels are there for a reason! The healthy couples don't show up on her doorstep because they don't need her help, TYVM.

Then they make sure to let everyone know that the swingers are "hiding". This is something in itself that is sorely misunderstood. For the love of God, we don't "hide" because we're ashamed! We do it mainly because it offends people. We're not stupid, we realize that. And we just don't feel that it's right to flaunt ourselves that way in a society that is deeply offended by our beliefs. That's why we all go to Desire and Hedonism, right?

Tybee, would you mind telling me where you found that article?

[Tybee Swing]

Happy Birthday, you wonderful lady!!

Originally Posted by intuition897

Tybee, would you mind telling me where you found that article?

It was posted on the Yahoo Group site of an off-premise club in Jacksonville called Maggie's Underground, a/k/a Underground Eden. Here's their official website http://www.undergroundeden.com, and here's their Yahoo Group site where conversations ensue: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Underground_Eden_FL/

The JAX locals were saying that this story ran as a TV local news feature one evening (including the interviews), and I believe the printed article was from the news channel's website.

JAX is less than 2 hours from us, and we've visited the Underground a few times. They meet every Saturday in a private club. Nice crowd.

[sereneiders]

Did you see those tests for kids where they have to put wodden blocks with several shapes into the holes accordling to the shape?

Well, most journalists and the media (notoriously this article writter) are the only guys who manage to make the squared block fit inside the circular shape, pretending they passed the test.

[Cpl2share]

We are ashamed of swinging in the same way that we are ashamed of our bodies. We hide our bodies with clothes because society demands it. If ever given the opportunity I will suggest to the reporter that I will show my face on TV if they are willing to do the interview in the nude. Of course this comparison will be far above the intellectual capacity of most of the media.

[Irishsakura]

I love all of your feed backs regarding this article. I couldn't have said it better myself. I was afraid that article was leaning towards the typical "thats the reason why everything is screwed up in life" attitude. Always taking something that is not fully understood and using it as the answer as to why people are so screwed up.
And I have a feeling that they(media) deliberately pick swingers who can't articulate their reason for being in this lifestyle.
I don't know why Oprah comes to mind but I would like to see someone stand forward and set the record straight. Either by writing a book or being interviewed on TV, I think there are a lot of single females like me (or couples) that want to be in this lifestyle but don't know where to start.
And if I hear that word cheating coming out of a swinger's mouth again..........

[BradAndJanet]

Honestly, who cares what other people think anyway? I sure don't need the blessing of reporters and therapists to make up my mind about what's right for me. Sheesh...

-B

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

Honestly, who cares what other people think anyway? I sure don't need the blessing of reporters and therapists to make up my mind about what's right for me. Sheesh...

-B

We couldn't give a damn what a reporter or any psycho-babbling therapist has to say. We know why we are in the lifestyle and we know how strong our marriage is. What one-sided horseshit this is.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

The JAX locals were saying that this story ran as a TV local news feature one evening (including the interviews), and I believe the printed article was from the news channel's website.

100% correct. A quick Google search and it came-up on Jacksonville's News 4 website. The story ran on February 8.

What's interesting is that unlike here in Utah when a local news station ran an "expose" on swingers, there is not even one thread on the News 4 website discussion forums regarding that story. Must not be the hot topic they thought it would be.

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Irishsakura

And I have a feeling that they(media) deliberately pick swingers who can't articulate their reason for being in this lifestyle.

Exactly. The producer and reporter has already decided the story before they do it. They're not reporting the truth, just the truth they want you to know based on their own views of what will bring in viewers and thus ratings and in the end... ad dollars.

I don't know why Oprah comes to mind but I would like to see someone stand forward and set the record straight. Either by writing a book or being interviewed on TV.

The problem is that the truth is much less interesting and wouldn't bring in ratings. Nobody wants to hear about happy couples that are in love and happen to have a sexually open relationship. There's no story there. They want to hear about dysfunctional couples who swing to "save their marriage" or to "keep him/her from cheating". Hence the popularity of daytime talk shows like Springer, Dr. Phil, etc. To show the worst-case scenario of a topic makes the viewers believe that their life is much better then the folks on the show... and everyone wants to feel self-righteous and superior. They know how to solve the folk's problems on the show... but they can't solve their own.

News is nothing but entertainment. And in entertainment you take the ordinary and make it sound extraordinary. That makes ratings. If they knew the truth about swinger's lives (well, if they wanted to know the truth) they would find it to be much more mundane than they make my life out to be.

Mr. WS