Does Swinging Always feel like this?

[2cute2care]

hi guys..im pretty new to this site..

My husband and I agreed about a year ago that we would start swinging together, this was his idea. So for the last year, I have had a handful of different men in which we have both been there and participated during the events. Well last night a good friend of ours came over with his girl whom is pregnant and they just decided that they wanted to start swinging. My husband and I agreed about two months ago that we would no longer swing as it was hard for him to find someone and he didnt feel right or like the way it made him feel watching me with other men, which is all fine to me, i was willing to stop. Then all of a sudden last night we were all sitting around drinking and they really wanted to experiment with us and my husband Ray was all into it, willing as could be and I just didnt feel right. We went in the other room to talk and he threw it at me that Ive had other poeple and I Just didnt want this because he was going to get someone. so i agreed to go along with it knowing that had i not of been drunk theres no way i ever would have. so we all in fact ended up switching partners and watching him with her wasnt really all that bad but now today that i am sober it all just feels weird to me.

Both of them are somewhat friends we hang out with every now and again and I dont know i feel right hanging out with them anymore. I dont even know why I feel liek this and my feelings are all kind of boggled on the whole situation. Dont get me wrong the other guy was good so I didnt have a bad time, but its just different to me now, like i dont know where our realtionship is going, if i should be mad at my husband for making me go through with it just so he could get some pussy, or mad at myself for ever starting to swing in the first place. is this just a normal thing after watching ur man with another woman for the first time? will it fade in time or am i just not cut out for swinging? I love doing it providing that i have been drinking but the next day it just keeps playing in my mind-guess im worried now that there friends they will do things when im not around and ill be left out or it will be a continous thing, i dunno maybe im being silly -any advice at all id appreciate it ..thanks

[Spoomonkey]

I think the timing was bad... That's to start. If you two had agreed to stop swinging, then certainly the two of you needed to agree to resume. The fact that he "guilted" you into it is sad. It sounds quite impulsive of both of you to play without taking a step back and reevaluating your involvement.

Had you waited a week, maybe all of you could have gotten together under better terms. Or not at all... Either way, both of you needed to agree - and that is not what happened. He played his "you owe me" card - and it doesn't sound like you expected that he would.

Also - the fact that you have to drink to go along with it - or enjoy swinging at all - is very concerning. Drinking to relax and get into the mood is one thing - but if you sober up and second guess yourself, you need to do a little soul searching.

Spoomonkey

[BettyAnnMBSC]

Does Swinging Always feel like this?

It does feel strange the first time you watch him with a woman. That aside, it seems to me that you're probably more concerned that he coerced you into it. Chances are that he's feeling guilty about the coercion too.

I've sometimes taken one for the team but usually prefer that when I say "no" -- that means that I don't want to play.

The least you need to do now is talk to him about it. Try to keep the talking calm and as unemotional as possible. Maybe some "when you xxx I feel/felt xxx"

[yawanna]

We ALL make mistakes in this... I mean..there are entire websites devoted to the discussions relating to swinging! aka here

I agree... talk to him. Tell him 'this was okay, this wasn't okay...'

Be clear. Don't blame. Find common ground and agreement.

We wish you well

[2cute2care]

i really agree with what spoomonkey said..i even said to him not right now, maybe next weekend cause i just felt so pressured with him blaming me that i wasnt being fair that i had other people and he hasnt yet, and i did feel bad about that-but we havent talked to these friends in prolly six months, they just showed up at our house unexpected sunday and i felt violated in a way if that makes sense..i didnt want to do anything i dont know i would say ever, but at that time because i felt pressured, insecure and i just wasnt completly into it. -- ive always in the back of my mind waited for the "you owe me card", and i always heard i would never get it , that we were closing that chapter of our lives(swinging) until way later in life, and then spur of the moment its reopened by his choice? i dont know, part of me feels so unfair to him cause i have had more partners since we opened this part of our lives, but in another sense i just feel violated too. i did talk to him and he just tells me he wishes it never happened becuase she was terrible and just laid there (the other woman)--not that next time i will have a say so other than everyone around me getting naked while i just sit there wishing anytime i would wake up from my nightmare.. he tried to blame me for kissing the other guy and riding him so hard that he and the other girl felt jealous...first of all i didnt even want to do this , then i get blamed im too good? i appreciate ur comments, thank u to all of u-i think me and my husband just lack a ton of communication about what we expect when swinging i just dont really know a clear way how to change that :\

[Alura]

Like Yawanna, I think y'all made a mistake and should not have played under the circumstances, but mistakes happen and it does no good to say, "Boy, if I just hadn't tried to stretch that amber light!"

I wouldn't put much stock in what happened. First of all, y'all can't change it. It's done. Put it behind you and go from here.

The place you should go is to a quiet, private place where y'all can talk this whole thing out. The first thing y'all must do is set the rules for the discussion. Please do that and get back to us.

Mr. Alura

PS: Consider this: If someone attends a public hanging for the first time, he's probably pretty apalled and heavily affected. Those who attend public hangings all the time get pretty used to it and are probably not affected very much at all. From that standpoint, yes, it gets easier watching your spouse as they are sexually involved with someone else. For some, myself included, it has become one of the things I look forward to most.

[Spoomonkey]

One thing I would add, based on your last post is this - don't feel guilty for getting more men than he gets women. That is an "even-steven" kind of mind set that isn't going to do anything but get worse. If you are into couples AND singles, then chances are, you are going to be with more men than your husband is with women. Couples are pleasantly challenging to find, single guys are easy, single females very tough. We've been with plenty of couples, quite a few single guys and one (ONE) single female. Mrs Spoomonkey will likely always be a few steps ahead of me. If I wanted to keep score, I guess I could say that she owes me - but that isn't what the lifestyle is about.

I enjoy the hell out of the lifestyle - and as Mr Naughty posted in another thread "[is] there was anything else we could add to our life that would make it better than it is now?" Keeping score just doesn't work.

Spoomonkey

[wildchld97]

I agree with spoonmonkey. My husband and I had the same problem when we started out. Men are always available and willing and I never lacked for playmates. Hubby told me that he really enjoyed seeing me with other men and I was more than willing to please...LOL. As time wore on however, I learned that he was feeling cheated because there is a serious lack of couples who allow their women to play with the male. I'm of the conviction that attractive single females who play with couples are merely a myth anyway. Hubby brought the fact up in a heated moment that he has *never* been with another woman...while *I* on the other hand have been with countless men. Luckily, we always agree on our encounters before hand and I reminded him that HE was the one who agreed and that I was only doing what WE wanted to do and we could have stopped at any time.

He *still* hasn't been with another woman yet, but we have curtailed our male (and couple) playmates to a select few. Sadly, the couples who are willing to play do not allow any contact between the men and the women and the ones who *do* allow contact...well...hubby just isn't attracted to them.

If I were you...I would definitely have a looooong talk with hubby and reevaluate the swinging situation. If it's going to cause jealousy, "scorekeeping" and bad feelings...it's time to stop until you both agree on what you want. You should NOT ever feel like you were being pressured into doing this just because hubby was getting a piece of the pie finally.

On a further note....drinking to excess and swinging do NOT mix. Sometimes you do things when you're drunk that you feel like shit about the next day....not to mention that when a person is drunk...they are NOT capable of making a responsible or rational decision. I've been there too and learned some hard lessons.

Let us know how things turn out!

[fun_pairTX]

wildchld97,

It is unfortunate that you have that mentality where you are located. For the most part here in Texas everybody plays or nobody does. Where we are concerned, everyone is playing or we are gonna put our drawers back on and move on.

Devils advocate here.

I think it depends on the true reasons why you did not want this to happen. In your original post you said part of the way you felt was because you watched him with another woman for the FIRST time. But you had other men.

If the reason you feel this way is because you just do not like seeing him with another woman but it is OK for you to be with another men, that is just wrong. Unless when you guys started swinging it was agreed that it would be MFMs only.

I do not know the whole sitiuation. But if you went into this with the idea of both of you getting some play with the opposite sex and only you got some before you guys stopped swinging I would have to think he feels like he got a little cheated on the whole deal.

From his point of view, When it didnt work for him with another woman he still let you have your fun but now that it is working for him and not you it is not OK.

Like I said "Devils Advocate" so please do not hang me in the town square for a flogging. Just trying to give a different point of view.

To take the popular side here,

The problem I see is you BOTH decided to stop playing.
Maybe he should have been more clear on the fact he would still like to try if the situation were to present its self.

There, Fair & balanced.

Be gentle everyone.................

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

Be gentle everyone.................

:slam" flamethrow :slam" Just joking....really.

But on a serious note, Mr&Mrs. Naughty...coming from a single woman's view...

We're always talking about these "rules" and "boundaries." And you mention

If the reason you feel this way is because you just do not like seeing him with another woman but it is OK for you to be with another men, that is just wrong. Unless when you guys started swinging it was agreed that it would be MFMs only.

Why not? People change their minds all the time with new information, new facts, new experiences. To my way of thinking, even if one of the parties agreed to a particular situation but after that experience had negative feelings, what makes them "wrong" for changing their mind?

And he feels cheated because he may not have gotten his "play" time with the opposite sex? I honestly don't understand that mind-set.

How can any of us know how we are going to feel or react to any situation until we are in it? At best, we can speculate.

We sit here and read over and over comments along the lines of "I'm in this for my partner's pleasure, etc., etc." but your DA comments seem to indicate otherwise - more along the lines of what spoomonkey said...the tit for tat thing. You got yours, now I want mine. From the get go in this situation, he "threw it" at her on the spur of the moment...putting her in a tough situation.

I don't know...sometimes the facts, as presented, just seem contrary to all that we discuss on this board...communication, openness, honesty, sharing...and in all of those things it is implied that they will continue. This isn't a case of sitting down and putting things on sides of a balance sheet and saying, "OK. There. That's done." I see it as an ever evolving continuum.

flamethrow :slam" - No need. I've already done it to myself.

- EBF

[catinmobile]

PS: Consider this: If someone attends a public hanging for the first time, he's probably pretty apalled and heavily affected. Those who attend public hangings all the time get pretty used to it and are probably not affected very much at all. From that standpoint, yes, it gets easier watching your spouse as they are sexually involved with someone else. For some, myself included, it has become one of the things I look forward to most.

Now...thats funny!! Swinging and Public Hangings compared to each other. I dont know much, but I do know that is funny!!

In regards to the question at hand...It doesn't sound like you guys talk nearly enough about what both of you want and don't want. I think you already know that. Its not fair to either of you and you are heading for a train wreck if you do not change the way you communicate and how much you communicate. I think most everyone who has been in the LS for any length of time has been in an uncomfortable situation, but the couples who love this LS and will always be in it, are the ones who can make the best of a bad situation and talk about what went wrong. Damn, I am babbling.

Cat

[wildchld97]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
wildchld97,

It is unfortunate that you have that mentality where you are located. For the most part here in Texas everybody plays or nobody does. Where we are concerned, everyone is playing or we are gonna put our drawers back on and move on.

We're movin' to TEXAS! Nah...lived there too but couldn't handle not having mountains around me.

Seriously though, I think we've just had a run of bad luck. Most of the couples that we know (and like) are "soft swingers"...play only between the women or play with your own partner which is fine, because hubby loves that.

I do feel bad for him though because the few times that the woman was willing and the man was ok with her swinging....<sigh> hubby was just not attracted to her...which is ok too. I don't want him *doing it* just because it's there and feel like crap afterwards about how desparate he was.

There was even one couple with an attractive wife that my hubby was finally attracted to where the man wanted *me* but wouldn't even consider my husband touching *her*. That night lasted a whole 15 minutes.

I guess it IS a "mentality" thing around here. My husband is very good looking except for a *little* excess weight...but he's not obese...but the only women around here who want him ARE obese and he's just not into it. I don't blame him because I'm not into obese men either. Nothing wrong with them for other folks...but it's just something that turns us off personally.

That's ok...we'll wait. When the right couple comes along we'll lasso them and lock them in our closet.

Why not? People change their minds all the time with new information, new facts, new experiences. To my way of thinking, even if one of the parties agreed to a particular situation but after that experience had negative feelings, what makes them "wrong" for changing their mind?

I absolutely agree. But the time to tell the partner that they have changed their mind is not when the other person is already there and are ready to go.

This all assuming the original agreement was MFMs only.

As far as not understanding the "got cheated" mindset.

I was thinking more along the lines of they were both looking to swap. She did a few times. He had not had any yet and the door to swinging was closed.
Once one person in the relationship decides swinging is over then its over. I was operating off the scenario that she got hers and then closed the door to swinging before he got his. I do not believe this was the case here. I think she said they decided together to stop.

Like I said Devils advocate.

Would I have done the "put her on the spot" thing?

No. But I always like to take a look at where both sides may be coming from.

I am definately not a tit for tat kind of dude. Mrs naughty has me beat by 6 to 1 . But that is cool with me because the best part of swinging for me is watching Mrs naughty gets hersfacelick. I like to play every once in a while myself but its not as important.

[2cute2care]

I've read all the responses to this, and seems theres a battle amongst because of this issue, so perhaps I should expand. When we first started swinging, yes it was agreed I would get other men, have mfm's and that was all, UNLESS I and he both agreed on a couple together, then I had a couple handfuls of other men and we hadnt really found any couples that we both agreed upon, my husband decided he didnt like the way he felt after watching me with men, or that was what he said, i do believe yes he felt a little cheated, but we agreed to stop swinging, it would just be the two of us till way later in our lives when we both trusted each other completly and were 100% in love as our marriage was rocky. So now a few months later, friends we havent seen in awhile come over and this is the point we are to now as I am speaking of about all of a sudden its ok again. Both of us getting some wasnt the picture in the beginning, but had he of come to me at any time and said he really wanted someone i would have given that to him i love him with all my heart, and Im not bothered that he was with someone else, watching it-thinking about it--its all fine to me, im not upset about any of that. Im really just confused about the whole how it wasnt ok, then at his convience all of a sudden it is and i should just have to accept it. I talked to him last night and he him jumping the gun like that wouldnt happen again, but Im just sort of feeling like if this is how swinging is going to be, one of us says yes so now the other has to go along with it, then i dont want to....i dont think it should be about that, and thats why i came on here for advice, to see if i was overreacting or not, not to start a battle so im sorry if its come to that-