Emotional & logistical problems of an open marriage

[CallMeLoki]

Hey folks! Thanks for the advice. I feel no emotional intensity today at all. My beloved wife is on the way home, and I just can't wait to see her. Don't worry, she'll get a very warm and affectionate welcome from me when she gets here...I wouldn't think of being an asshole to her in any way, shape, or form. It's just not even in me to be a jerk to her...I encouraged her and gave her my blessing to do this...I'd be an idiot to say something that would give her guilt for something I approved of her doing. I'm sure she'll cry a little (and I probably will too), and I'll just hold her and try my best to make her feel better about it all. She needs to know that I approve of her (in life in normal, but especially this)...and I do, I just have to make sure that I make that clear to her.

I've talked to her on the phone twice since she left. She can't wait to get home to see me either. I told her that I've slept both nights with her slightly used pajamas beside my head on my pillow so I could smell her (which is true).

I also apologized to her on the phone earlier for asking the yes/no questions while she was there. (Mix, thanks again for the post explaining that part!) I told her that I had just realized I was probably being selfish by asking those questions, and told her I was sorry.

LOL...our little girl just put on a dress...she's getting gussied up for mommy's return home. There's no doubt that my wife will get a quite warm welcome from two people who totally love her and approve of her.

Loki

[rpu3]

OK, folks...based on what Mix said, I should assume that my beloved wife will come home with some feelings of guilt. You folks give me some suggestions on how to help her overcome any guilt she might have. She doesn't need to feel any guilt...she had my absolute blessing to do this, and I'm fine with anything that happened (even if some rules were accidentally broken). Knowing the conscientious person that my wife is, she will probably have some guilt. It's my job to help her get past it. So, advise me folks! I want her return home to filled with reasurrance, comfort, and approval.

I'd also assume that I shouldn't start pounding her with questions when she gets here, right? I should just let her tell me all about it when she's ready, I'd think. I've got to remember to keep this about her, and not make it "about me" by hitting her with all sorts of questions before she's ready to tell me about it (no matter how much the suspense might be killing me when she gets here, this is about her, not about me).

Loki:

My position is more like that of your wife. I am in an open marriage. I do see my friend for the weekend at mutually agreeable times. My spouse sees his friend(s) as things work out.

Not to diminish anything said previously, especially by Mix, since all of us have our own perspectives. At the end of the day, you are the one who knows your wife, I hope.

My perspective? I hope you would not assume ANYTHING as to your wife's feelings. Let her come home with whatever feelings she has, and go from there, but please - let her have them and don't assume which ones she's going to have and have all the "right" actions and words ready for her. There are more things out there besides guilt, and your wife may or may not have guilt as one of her talking points.

Maybe it's just me - but I, not anyone else, is responsible for my feelings and I alone am responsible for getting past whatever feelings I may have on any subject. It is not my husband's job to get me past it - it's my job. I ask for support from him if I need it or want it, and I do talk to my spouse, but I don't want him swooping in and making everything better. But if I feel crappy or good or bad or pissy, it's on me. I have no issue talking to my spouse and asking for advice or opinion or perspective, but ultimately, it's up to me to make things square for myself. What I do count on is that my spouse is willing to listen and offer his two cents if I ask.

As to providing some space and not peppering her with questions - only you can answer that since you know your wife. I assume you can read the mood when she arrives and adjust accordingly. I know for myself, I don't really want to talk the minute I walk in the door. I'm shifting back to home life from the visiting life, and I like a bit of time to switch gears. Then we talk about the weekend. My spouse does not push the issue, he waits for me to talk. It's not like I make him wait weeks - I just need an hour or two of processing time, which is respected by my spouse. And there's a vice versa - my spouse is always happy to talk right after one of his outings but I don't really want to hear the blow-by-blow. I prefer to just have him come home, find out if he had a good time, and fall back asleep and we'll talk further in the morning.

Thus, while I can appreciate you wanting to be well-prepared, I think it's one of those things that you two will need to find your own happy medium as to homecomings. I think just making it clear that you are supportive and there to listen whenever she's ready is a good start.

As with everything, the above is just my .02 and your own mileage is likely going to vary.

Good luck!

[CallMeLoki]

Thanks RPU...well, I'm only assuming she'll have some feelings of guilt because she told me before she left that she likely would. But, you're right...I should assume a blank slate, and just listen and let her tell me how she feels. It'll actually be after our daughter goes to bed before we can truly talk, but I'd imagine she'll need a little time to re-adjust to our norm when she gets here. I just hope that she feels good about all of it, and that any guilt she feels doesn't out-weigh the good things.

And I agree, we ARE responsible for our own feelings. Completely agree. But we also strongly influence each other...I just want to make sure my influence is totally positive. I feel totally positive about it all, so that should be quite easy! One of the things we agreed to do with this is to treat each other the way we'd want to be treated, encourage and reassure each other whenever needed. I'm going to insure that I live up to my part of that commitment.

Loki

[mixtupcpl]

RPU, Thank you for posting!! thats a great perspective because its coming from the female side of this (something a guy can only guess at ) My wife is, in some ways, more like a guy in that she HATES to talk through feelings and emotional shit and wants me to just "know". So a lot of my conclusions about her feelings were based on observation and trial and error (lots of error). And of course everyone IS different, but I think on certain primal levels, most of us ARE similar.

What you're saying really resonates. Once I was *actually* accepting of the arrangement (rather than just saying I was), I never initiated any discussion about the situation and instead just tried to make everything as "normal" as possible.

That is what ultimately worked for us and got us to the point where it ended up good.

Just curious... Why do you and your husband operate that way rather than "regular" swinging? (sorry to threadjack Loki, but I'm really curious) For my wife and I it was part of growing and, as bizarre as it sounds, healing due to our long and often fucked up history. Now that we are where we are (together for 22 years), that life seems so alien to us. Swinging with like minded couples we trust, however, holds a lot of appeal. I'm just curious how/why folks who seemingly are similar in many ways (you, me, Loki) are apparently wired quite differently.

[arvcpl]

DAMMIT!!! I've been off the boards the last couple weeks and missed all the build up and excitement

I still hafta admit that I think this whole thing is nuts and carrys with it an inappropriate amount of risk. That risk is not just physical but emotional and risky to the stability of your marriage as well.


That all being said however I am a man of honor and I will freely admit that I am glad that nothing bad happened and that nothing threatened the physical safety of Mrs Loki. I will also state that while I think this whole thing is crazy I am an undying supporter of free will and if sane (which I still question) sober and concenting adults want to do something that others think is crazy I support their right to do it as long as it does not hurt anyone else.

If Mr and Mrs Loki are into this and it trips their trigger and works for them, all the power to them and I am happy for them if this is what they are into. I wish them the best and hope everything goes well for them now and in the future.

I do also appreciate the step by step reporting of the process of this and hope that you continue to keep us abreast of things in the days and weeks and even months after Mrs Loki's return.

I am still not convinced that this is going to be over once Mrs Loki returns home. I think there is going to be ripples from this for some time to come and those ripples may be positive, may be negative and probably will be a mixture of both. I am interested in continuing to hear how things go now that it has occured. It may be an interesting story to hear the build up and the immediate rush of excitement while everyone is still basking in the afterglow but I think the "REST OF THE STORY" is going to play out in the weeks and months after wards.

Thank you for sharing your adventure and experiences with us!

[CallMeLoki]

OK, my soul-mate is home! She walked in, walked up to me with tears in her eyes, and grabbed me and put her head on my shoulder. We stood there and held each other for about 30 mins while she cried. Then, we moved to the couch and just held each other. She hasn't said a word yet, but she doesn't have to. I don't know exactly what she's feeling right now, but I know she isn't ready to talk. I'm sure she's emotionally exhausted. I'll wait patiently until she's ready to talk...I don't want to pressure her, so I'll wait for her, whether it's tonight or a day or two from now. She's dozing on the couch right now.

I left her a "welcome home" love note hanging on the door telling her I love her, adore her, approve of her, etc., etc., etc. (I periodically will hide a little "love note" for her somewhere so she can find it later. She didn't see this one though even though it was taped to the door...she was looking for me the second she got home.)

I have to say that the swirling vortex of emotions for me personally is completely gone. I can't say I've ever felt anything exactly like this. Most "swirling vortexes" of emotions I've ever experienced have been really negative (caused by really bad or painful events)...this is the first positive "swirling vortex" I think I've ever experienced.

I'm just hoping that after my wife's emotions settle a bit that this was a very positive experience for her.

Loki

[CallMeLoki]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

DAMMIT!!! I've been off the boards the last couple weeks and missed all the build up and excitement

I still hafta admit that I think this whole thing is nuts and carrys with it an inappropriate amount of risk. That risk is not just physical but emotional and risky to the stability of your marriage as well.


That all being said however I am a man of honor and I will freely admit that I am glad that nothing bad happened and that nothing threatened the physical safety of Mrs Loki. I will also state that while I think this whole thing is crazy I am an undying supporter of free will and if sane (which I still question) sober and concenting adults want to do something that others think is crazy I support their right to do it as long as it does not hurt anyone else.

If Mr and Mrs Loki are into this and it trips their trigger and works for them, all the power to them and I am happy for them if this is what they are into. I wish them the best and hope everything goes well for them now and in the future.

I do also appreciate the step by step reporting of the process of this and hope that you continue to keep us abreast of things in the days and weeks and even months after Mrs Loki's return.

I am still not convinced that this is going to be over once Mrs Loki returns home. I think there is going to be ripples from this for some time to come and those ripples may be positive, may be negative and probably will be a mixture of both. I am interested in continuing to hear how things go now that it has occured. It may be an interesting story to hear the build up and the immediate rush of excitement while everyone is still basking in the afterglow but I think the "REST OF THE STORY" is going to play out in the weeks and months after wards.

Thank you for sharing your adventure and experiences with us!

My friend, I truly, TRULY appreciate your concern. However, I know my wife (and myself) better than anyone on this board. She is an exceptional human being. (And I'd like to think I am too.) I wouldn't be married to her if she wasn't. I'm not really not concerned about any aftermath. I might be wrong, but I really don't think I am.

My wife is awake...she's smiling and we're cracking a few jokes about her weekend. We can't really talk until our daughter goes to bed (assuming she's ready to talk tonight...who knows, we might just enjoy re-discovering each other tonight and talk tommorrow...whatever she wants/needs is good with me).

Loki

[mixtupcpl]

You guys will be good. I'd be shocked if you're not. It's hard for many folks to understand, I'd suspect, because I think most people aren't really wired to be able to make it through this scenario (even many active swingers, oddly enough)

My wife and I made it through this period with much worse circumstances around it. I think your wifes reaction coming home was interesting. My wife felt guilt, but only if she was unable to put me out of her mind during (like me calling) or if I triggered it deliberately (which in the beginning I did masterfully)

I think because you guys are actually a mature and "bonded" couple, the roller coaster will be a bit different. Also really interested in hearing how it goes.

Once things are normalized, do you think she'd post?

[CallMeLoki]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

You guys will be good. I'd be shocked if you're not. It's hard for many folks to understand, I'd suspect, because I think most people aren't really wired to be able to make it through this scenario (even many active swingers, oddly enough)

My wife and I made it through this period with much worse circumstances around it. I think your wifes reaction coming home was interesting. My wife felt guilt, but only if she was unable to put me out of her mind during (like me calling) or if I triggered it deliberately (which in the beginning I did masterfully)

I think because you guys are actually a mature and "bonded" couple, the roller coaster will be a bit different. Also really interested in hearing how it goes.

Once things are normalized, do you think she'd post?

Yes, I think we will too (be just fine, that is). And yes, I'm sure she'll post all about it when she gets an opportunity (don't expect it for a few days though I'd imagine...her and I come first .) Plus, it'll take her forever and a day to just read everything I've posted here over the weekend.

Loki

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by CallMeLoki

Yes, I think we will too (be just fine, that is). And yes, I'm sure she'll post all about it when she gets an opportunity (don't expect it for a few days though I'd imagine...her and I come first .) Plus, it'll take her forever and a day to just read everything I've posted here over the weekend.

Loki

No questions from us, just glad Sif is home and you are in each others arms.

Welcome back Sif

Thanks for letting us hang out with Loki a little bit here on the board

[LokisFemaleHalf]

Ok, friends, I am home, sore, exhausted, confused, and an emotional masterpiece, but I did not end up in a crawlspace, and I am safe and sound. More details later after I have been debriefed and submitted to hubby!!!!

[LokisFemaleHalf]

Ok, I am home, not dead, and was treated like a lady all weekend. I am an emotional mess, been crying since I checked out of the hotel, but I will be glad to be reclaimed by hubby. I will post more details later when I have sorted out all the junk. Right now I am enjoying too much wine, and trying to debrief myself LOL......

[mixtupcpl]

Hi Sif, nice to meet you We've been keeping him busy

[lustylearning]

"an emotional masterpiece" How wonderfully poetic!

Welcome!

[CallMeLoki]

Oh, just had a thought. Actually, I have had some "emotional vortexes" before that were very positive. One was when I asked my wife to marry me. That whole day, I had butterflies in my stomach, my palms were sweaty, and I was nervous and all wired up. She kept asking "what's wrong? Is everything OK?" (I asked her on my birthday btw...how's that for some symbolism? "What do I want for my birthday? I want you to spend the rest of your life with me." ) This was very similar. (And I still remember her dancing around my apartment at the time, and how quickly she said "yes!")

Actually, come to think of it, another emotional vortex was when I told her I was ready to have a child with her. And, that was on my birthday too as a matter of fact. "What I really want for my birthday is for you to give me a son or daughter." (And I still remember her skipping around the beach condo we were in ...we got right to work on making a baby too!)

So, those two vortex's of intense emotion were very similar to this. I've said this was a "gift" to her. I love symbolic gifts. I give people that I love symbolic gifts, and I ask for gifts that have a symbolic meaning to me. I have no doubt my wife fully understands the meaningfullness that I intended in this "gift" to her, because she loves and embraces symbolism too. We're both disgustingly sentimental when it comes down to it.

Loki