Getting out of the LS, suggestions welcome

[K&JIntimates]

This last weekend we experienced our first ‘soft swap’. We thought we were ready, turns out we were not. K has always had some reservations but we went ahead because (our reasoning was), there is no real way to be sure until you’re in that situation.

The couple we were with was great. They were very understanding when we told them that we would like to stop after the first round was finished. I’m trying to not get too emotional, I don’t want to digress too far off what I want to ask. The bottom line is that K (for a lot of reasons I understand and a few that I don’t) wants to stop swinging.

The question I have is how to go about dismantling our profile on Swing Lifestyle (where we met this couple and another couple we met yesterday but did not play with) without offending either one. I don’t just want to go **poof** and disappear and maybe leave these couples wondering if it was something they did. I’m thinking to just leave it as is for a few weeks but answer with an “We’re taking a pause at this time from meeting new couples due to other concerns” message to anyone new who might email in the meantime. After 2-3 weeks I’ll just unsubscribe from Swing Lifestyle and that will be that.

K and I have both enjoyed meeting new people who are open-minded and have similar interests from these sites. However, we both feel it’s dishonest to continue to meet other couples (even though we may like them and would pursue a friendship) knowing that we aren’t going to play. We know that there shouldn’t be the presumption of play upon meeting (or ever) but considering the context it still raises issues. We’re not going to stop talking with the LS couples that we already know; we just won’t be taking it off a social plain.

So the question is, does this sound like the appropriate approach or is there something additional that I should do?

[JustAskJulie]

If you know there is absolutely no chance that your current decision will change (that after a few weeks of discussion you may not decide to give it another try) then I would just email those two couples and let them know that now that you've had give it a try you've decided that swinging isn't for you after all. At the same time, change your profile to say that you are no longer looking. Leave it at that until either your paid subscription expires (if you are a paid member) or until you check your mail log and see that both couples have read their email (or about 2 weeks whichever comes first). Then pull your profile altogether.

If you think there is any chance that your minds might change after a pause and some discussion, then yes by all means change your profile to say that you are taking a break and re-evaluating your place in the lifestyle, then once you come to a concensus (either to completely quit or to give it another try you can make the decision and either update your profile again or delete it).

[sweet_tna]

I also wanted to say I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you. But I'm glad to see ya'll are not only communicating and doing what's best for your relationship. Hopefully, those other couples will understand that. If not, too bad. Ya'll come first with each other.

=)

[fun4Ds]

K&J, We honestly hope your doing O.k. first and above everything els.

Anyone, and I mean anyone good, in this lifestyle. Would understand exactly what your feeling. You have taken a step that you both wanted perhaps, to find something out about yourselves. Your not here now knowing what you know condemning the lifestyle. Its we who owe you gratitude for at least looking into something we have in our lives.

You owe no one nothing, as far as any kind of explanation. This is still about the both of you together as a couple. Yes, its time to take a break, or walk away for good.

Take this time for each other, don't worry about what anyone on Swing Lifestyle, the clubs, or anywhere els will think. Anyone good, that sees either you need a break or are walking away will only hope and wish you both, everything positive as a couple.

I'm not sure what your membership is on Swing Lifestyle but you only need to say on your profile you are taking a break for personal reasons nothing more. Good people understand that.

I know we see people dismantle their profiles with TAKING A BREAK TAKING A BREAK OUT OF THE LIFESTYLE over and over and over.Honestly, We just wonder if they are o.k., thats all. But we hear how that looks like drama ensued.

I don't know if it would help any, but we have been there. Not once, but twice.

First time, we left our profile the same with the header line stating, Taking A break for personal time. We really needed it.. That left us getting mail asking what happened at a time we didn't feel we could or needed to explain. Some were genuine, some were drama seekers.

Second time, We just didn't want to pursue new people or receive mail at a busy time.. We just used the invisible mode. It's in the tools menu on Swing Lifestyle under privacy options/ then privacy feature. There you can select to be invisible to free members, couples, single females and single males. Make sure you check them all. That will take a few hours to go through but you will know when you use the See who's on feature. It just shows as this couple has chosen to be invisible. That should give you some time to think, change what needs changed or contact Swing Lifestyle to have your membership removed.

Take that break ! And take that time for each other now, We can only wish you both the very best Should things change or you just want to talk.... we are here. Hopefully you still visit the Swingers Board.

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by K&JIntimates

K and I have both enjoyed meeting new people who are open-minded and have similar interests from these sites. However, we both feel it’s dishonest to continue to meet other couples (even though we may like them and would pursue a friendship) knowing that we aren’t going to play. We know that there shouldn’t be the presumption of play upon meeting (or ever) but considering the context it still raises issues.

Along with the great advice above I would like to suggest another alternative since you enjoy the type of people in the lifestyle. Try going for just voyourism and exibition. This way there is never any direct contact between you and another couple and you can state this preference on your profile. Not sure if this will help with what your issues are, but worth thinking about.

[K&JIntimates]

Mr. & Mrs. Fun4Ds,

Thank you so much for your kind words in response to my post. It really means a lot to me and comes at a time when I’m trying to sort my own feelings out. (It’s getting easier as K and I talk about this.)

We have come to the conclusion that this was just too much too soon. I was ready for a soft swap but K wasn’t. A lot of factors lead into his recoiling from wanting to participate farther. He wasn’t comfortable with the situation where we are meeting people for the first time with the possibility of casual sex thrown in there. (Yes, being in the moment has it’s place but overall.)

Jealousy combined with a certain amount of mistrust for the other male in regards to me also plays into it. K acknowledges and appreciates that in this encounter I did everything that I could to reassure him of my love, encourage his participation, and lavish an equal if not more amount of my attentions on him. He says that was the only thing that helped to check his jealousy. That and seeing that the couple we were with were proceeding at my pace.

Seeing me kiss and caress another man did not inspire feelings of arousal for K, just the opposite. K did find a certain amount of arousal in my enjoyment and my excitement but he kept having unpleasant images of what the gentleman could do (that K didn’t like) that it just killed it for him.

K felt distracted that there was another couple having sex right next to us and that it was harder for him to find that thread of intimacy that connects us during sex.

All of this along with the conditioning of a lifetime that sex and love are intertwined and all the social ‘norms’ that it just overwhelmed him.

I posted our first encounter on here and you can see how we fed off of each other’s excitement. K was aroused not only from the stimulation of being with a woman who he found attractive and who likewise found him desirable but because I was aroused and excited seeing him with another woman. He was okay in that situation because I was ‘out of play’ and so was the other husband. He had more control over the situation so was able to enjoy it more.

I approached him with the question whether he would do something like that again. His response was that, while he did derive enjoyment from being with someone else while I watched, he didn’t want to feel as if he was taking advantage of, not only, my open nature but that I would put myself in a secondary pleasure situation for him. He doesn’t want to be unfair and feels that, because I’m willing to share him 100%, that he should be able to do so also. Right now he can’t.

I asked him how he felt about separate room play; he said that would just make his own feelings worse because then all there would be was the images from his imagination. Not good.

I realize that all of this is normal. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time reading on these boards to understand it. We looked into this together because K knew I wanted to indulge in one or two of my fantasies with him and I wanted to share a different dimension of pleasure and enjoyment with him.

K would be happy with vanilla sex for the rest of his life. He’s the only man I’ve ever met or heard of who has turned down or not lusted over the prospect of being with two women at once. When he was away working overseas for a year I told him to go alleviate some of the longings of his loins at one of the ‘happy ending’ massage parlors. He never did. He waited until we were together again. K doesn’t fit into what you’d call a ‘typical’ man.

I, however, can’t say the same. I like vanilla sex and it’s okay but, after awhile, I start to get bored with it. I mean who wants to be able to predict exactly what will happen next when you’re having sex? K and I are open with each other so each time this has started to happen I’ll bring it up to him. We’ll have a fantasy while we’re making love or go out and have sex in a parking lot somewhere, just do something different. This was what brought us to the swingers club initially. We wanted to do something different and put a little passion back into something that had started to become routine. (and it did)

So now we take a pause. Whether it’s two weeks, two months, or two years. He needs time. I wanted this for us. I wanted to give him some experiences that he would look back on for the rest of his life and still be a bit blown away by them. When he’s ready for those he’ll let me know.

[JustAskJulie]

The good news is that it sounds like you guys have great communication and that will take you everywhere you need to go. In the end you have to find what works for the two of you and it sounds like that might not be swinging. Given the situation and your difference in desires (at least at this point) I don't see where continuing to go to on-premise clubs would be a good thing for the two of you. From the sounds of it K doesn't really enjoy having others have sex next to him, and while he was ok having sex with someone else while you watch, it doesn't sound like that really completely fulfills either of your fantasies either (it sounds more like that might have been something he did to fulfill your fantasy). Keep talking and keep trying new things. I definately understand where you are coming from but the good news is that you do have a guy who loves you and is willing to do what it takes to help you satisfy your fantasies and cravings.

[jjtrindc]

We have been in and out of the lifestlye off and on for several years. Jobs, kids, life...whatever. Even when we were in we were still pretty "green." Those times when we were in, we were very honest with the responses to emails we got via our Swing Lifestyle account. When we were out, we would post "taking a break" or something similar. We still enjoyed the feeling of being around other sexual couples so found that on and off-premise clubs were still a lot of fun -- maybe because we knew there was no pressure. We simply didn't put out a vibe to other couples that we were available. We just went and had fun ourselves. I took us a LONG while before we finally decided we were "in"
and even then we are still taking it slow. Go at your pace. Make decisions that are right for you. And most of all, have fun together!!

[slevin]

Great advice all through this thread so I won't re-hash or try to add anything new really. The only thing I picked out that I'm not sure anyone discussed was that your husband didn't enjoy having another couple having sex right beside you while you were playing with another couple. I can understand that, it's a bit tough to be doing something so new that sparks so many emotions with other people around who aren't involved. For us being able to play in private (in a hotel room) with another couple was so much easier. The mood was so much more relaxed and we could all focus on what was going on.

We also took our time getting to know the people before we played. It was important to us that we felt comfortable with both the man and the woman. Important to me that I felt I could trust the other man, felt he would respect my wife and me as well. We won't play with anyone if either of us doesn't feel comfortable with both the man and woman.

My disclaimer here: not trying to convince you to try again, just some personal experiences that might help out if you both decide to give it another try again in the future