We were swingers for 8 months...

[1halfofJnC]

We didn't ever really get to do anything but go to one house party, which was fun, and also my Wife's first time with a woman. Read on for my (our) story...

It began when my Wife dared me to find a place to post naked pictures of her online. I found a couple of sites where you could put adult content and profiles up, and she started down the road as a sort-of internet porn star. Shortly thereafter, she revealed to me that she was bisexual, and had been interested in girls since she was a teenager. I was shocked, but not disappointed

The next subject we found ourselves discussing was swinging. It was something we talked about for several months before we finally were invited to a party. We both enjoyed the experience, and were looking forward to doing it again.

Then, probably due to some changes in her (menopause?), she became depressed. It was during this time that she started to spend enormous amounts of time late at night on her computer. I found out later that she was having an online relationship with some guy she met. We struggled with this for a while - we had agreed that this wasn't an 'open marriage' emotionally and if we wanted to play together with other people, that was fine, but no emotional involvement.
The relationship ended when she discovered that the guy was just using her.

After a period of recovery, just when things were starting to get back to normal, she calls me and says that she's deleting all her profiles, etc, and there's something she wants to tell me when I get home.

She told me that she decided to get 'closer to god' and that she wasn't going to be doing the internet porn thing anymore, no more swinging, and that porn, swinging, etc. are sins, etc. And that she's not bisexual anymore.

We had been together for 10 years. I was sheltered very much when I was growing up, and it took a lot for me to become comfortable with myself and open up to her (she was wild, and me being a 'prude' for most of our marriage didn't help). We opened up to each other, and became closer, and had a lot of fun, up until her depression and online relationship. There are so many things that changed, overnight. I now have to learn how to cope with someone who despises the fact that I still like to watch porn (and always have, so it's not some new thing), aside from the fact that she has become a very different person.

Sorry for the long post. I'm not sure this is posted in the right section. But I would appreciate any comments or thoughts - this is so confusing and somewhat scary.

[BiloxiCouple]

Seek professional help.

You will get advice here.

Seek professional help.

[spectraschain]

Then, probably due to some changes in her (menopause?)

I feel for ya...all bets are off when the "M" word comes into play...

[sigh35]

how far did you go at the house party?

[1halfofJnC]

Originally Posted by sigh35

how far did you go at the house party?

Here's what happened at the party...
She played with a girl there (gave and received), and then the girl's husband ate her out. Then later on she went and got me and wanted to do MFM 3-some, which we did but she only did oral on me. After that I was outside and she got the girl she was playing with and watched the girl give me oral.
If it hadn't been for her getting the girl to come over and give me some attention, I would probably have done nothing other than letting her suck me while the other guy was doing her. I was having enough fun watching everything and talking to people.

[WesternSwing]

This doesn't sound so much like a swinging problem to me, but rather an issue of insecurity or lack of self-esteem in your wife. Making and posting porn, the swinging, the depression, then "finding God". In my opinion she is looking for something to fill some black hole in herself. Doing porn and being admired made her feel good about herself because people were admiring and wanting her. Swinging made her feel good about herself because people were admiring and wanting her. When those no longer did it depression set-in and now she is trying to find whatever it is within herself by "finding God". She's still empty, but for the time being this is making her feel full - just like the porn and swinging did for a while. Sooner or later this isn't going to do it either.

Like I said, this really isn't a swinging issue. For her, swinging was being used as a band-aid for the real problem. This is a mental health issue that needs to be dealt with. She won't find what she is looking for in others (including God), she needs to find it within herself, and the only way to do that is with professional help.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

This doesn't sound so much like a swinging problem to me....
Mr. WS

Dito

[Tybee Swing]

halfofJnC, I agree with everything that WesternSwing said.

[HotMoCpl]

People were having sex, long before organized religion arrived. I'm not knocking religion, but it has its limits. She needs to realize this and learn to put a separation between the two.

[SouthBond]

My wife and I were in the "lifestyle" for over 12 years before she went through menopause. She went through something much like your wife with no interest in sex and an increased interest in going to church. After 3 years of this pattern, her interest in sex returned. We are now as active as ever. While going to church, Episcopal, she developed a large network of friends. Now, we sometimes go to church, socialize with vanilla friends, and swing with our swinger friends. So, don't give up on her yet.

[BiloxiCouple]

I have forgotten the link. Help. The Liberated Christians is what I think it is. Help?

This may be a bit of help with the religion aspect of your question.

[sigh35]

I agree with what westernswing said. She is looking to fill a void. From what you said, I gather that you have always been the more stable one. You have been her anchor. The things she did may not have been so much a pleasurable choice to her as they were "acting out". Maybe she looked to you to keep her in line, not go too far. The thrill of playing around the edges was gone once she felt she was "allowed" to do whatever she wanted and go as far as she wanted. She may have been relying on you to sort of parent her and then became depressed when you became so permissive. Church provides rules and structure and limits. Safety from herself. You have done nothing wrong in allowing her to make her own choices. You are both adults. I agree, you two need counselling. Sounds like issues from her childhood that have gone unresolved. Don't give up on her. She'll need her equal partner when she comes out on the other end.

[iapr]

Agree with the others in that this a not a swinging issue but rather and maritial and possibly even a psychological or endocrine issue. First stop may be a physician that specializes in menopausal issues or endocrine issues and get a full physical evaluation and then if she has a clean bill of health there then find a maritial counselor who may in turn recommend a shrink. Either way this is not a swinging issue.

[1halfofJnC]

I want to thank you all for your replies. This week has been kind of rough, but it is getting better.
Whether we ever go back to swinging again or not, I will probably stay around this board, it seems like there are some nice people here.

[LOL_OMG]

1half I really appreciate your post, and you've gotten some great replies. I myself have not dealt with menopause yet but I have heard of similar situations. When I think of menopause I think of raging waves of hormonal changes. Kind of like pregnancy only squared.

I have dealt with a strong blow of depression and anxiety however. Counseling and meds helped but the best part was having a supportive and loving spouse. It seems that she has one in you, be strong for her and you two can get through this.

Mrs