Had bad experiences swinging and decided to give it up

[kandl]

hi all:

I read an interesting note from one of you frequent posters, indicating that 'once you're in the lifestyle, it's hard to forget about it', or something to that effect.

It's interesting, because my wife and I had two horrible experiences - well let me clarify; my wife had two good experiences, the only horrible part for her was the aftermath with me.

I've absolutely had it with the lifestyle. I'm done. Because of my experiences, my wife says she, too is done. According to her, she doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, and wants to just get back to life the way it used to be.

While I truly believe that for this immediate time (the latest horrible experience was this past November), I can't help but think 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now, she will want to go back to the lifestyle. And that my absolute desire NOT to go there will be a problem.

I cannot believe that she can purge this from her existence that completely. I'll be honest; I don't really care for sex anymore - she always initiates it, and although I go through "the motions", I constantly feel anger, embarrassment, and every other emotion known to man when this dimention of our marriage comes up.

So I'm curious as to what you experienced people think...can one truly purge these desires, or will it just lay dormant for the time being, but given time, boredom will rear its ugly head and she'll gravitate back (either with or without me)?

Thoughts are welcomed. Thank you in advance.

[Dynamar]

Sorry kandl, I don't have an answer to your question. But it strikes me that any who might be able to, i.e. those who have left swinging behind, might not still be around here to see your inquiry.

[NandTfromCA]

We would rather swing AND stay happily married, but if we had to choose, we would give up swinging.

Sure, we'd think about it from time to time but I like to think it would be controlled desire. Like controlling your desire to stuff the whole tin of cheesecake down your throat or throttling the guy in the car in front of you for cutting you off in traffic. Sure, it would be nice but there are bigger and better things in life to worry about.

That said, sounds like you have some talking to do…with someone. It’s unfortunate that sex conjures up such negative emotions for you. I see that as a bigger problem for your marriage than not swinging.

Take care,

NandT

[Lovinlife59912]

You worrying about whether or not your wife will think about swinging in the future does not seem to be your major problem, it would be the fact that for some reason you have yet to explain on this post, is why sex and especially sex with your wife is a chore. That right there is the major problem that you should work out. Eventually that will get old.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by kandl

hi all:

I read an interesting note from one of you frequent posters, indicating that 'once you're in the lifestyle, it's hard to forget about it', or something to that effect.

It's interesting, because my wife and I had two horrible experiences - well let me clarify; my wife had two good experiences, the only horrible part for her was the aftermath with me.

I've absolutely had it with the lifestyle. I'm done. Because of my experiences, my wife says she, too is done. According to her, she doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, and wants to just get back to life the way it used to be.

While I truly believe that for this immediate time (the latest horrible experience was this past November), I can't help but think 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now, she will want to go back to the lifestyle. And that my absolute desire NOT to go there will be a problem.

I cannot believe that she can purge this from her existence that completely. I'll be honest; I don't really care for sex anymore - she always initiates it, and although I go through "the motions", I constantly feel anger, embarrassment, and every other emotion known to man when this dimention of our marriage comes up.

So I'm curious as to what you experienced people think...can one truly purge these desires, or will it just lay dormant for the time being, but given time, boredom will rear its ugly head and she'll gravitate back (either with or without me)?

Thoughts are welcomed. Thank you in advance.

I think we need a bit more backround. You have been here 5 years and this is your second post so obviously we know nothing about what the problem is and can not really give advice on it.

So you are worried she will some day want to swing again, and that we can't answer being we know nothing of your wife. I know if I told my wife we were done, she would be fine with it, and if I told her we were meeting a new couple she would be fine with that too (provided she liked their profile). Others might be more pro-active in their desires, so we can't be sure about yours, but it seems that she is doing the right thing and stopping. Its not like swinging is some virus that gets in your system. What most people mean by they can't go back is that your relationship changes (for the better) with swinging to the point that you can't imagine going back to being the same person with the same jealousies and hang ups you had when you were still in the vanilla world.

I'd be FAR FAR more worried about your issues with sex. That would be far more likely to drive her to want to swing or have an affair if you are not taking care of her needs on a physical and emotional level.

[good times]

Originally Posted by kandl

I cannot believe that she can purge this from her existence that completely. I'll be honest; I don't really care for sex anymore - she always initiates it, and although I go through "the motions", I constantly feel anger, embarrassment, and every other emotion known to man when this dimention of our marriage comes up.

So I'm curious as to what you experienced people think...can one truly purge these desires, or will it just lay dormant for the time being, but given time, boredom will rear its ugly head and she'll gravitate back (either with or without me)?

I agree with NandT, Lovinlife59912 and Chicup here, in that I think your lack of sexual desire will be a much bigger future problem than swinging. In fact, I would guess that more people cheat on their spouses because the other spouse isn't as into sex as they are more than all other reasons combined. Even if one spouse reluctantly agrees to sex when the other pushes for it, it isn't the same as having someone want it as much as you do. I think many men have experienced this in their younger days when the woman they were with had sex with their spouse more as a duty than a desire. The problem in your case is that, in my opinion, it is much easier for a woman to find a willing outside partner than it is for a male in the same situation. Therefore, if she does eventually decide to find sexual satisfaction outside your marriage, it will have everything to do with not being fulfilled at home and nothing to do with swinging. I would suggest that you find out what is causing your lack of interest and work to solve the problem because I think that, right after financial difficulties, sexual frustration can be one of the biggest problems to overcome in a marriage.

Now to attempt to answer your actual question. My wife and I have discussed this on several occasions and we have never been able to answer it for certain. Should one of us became disinterested in the lifestyle we have agreed that we could quit. However, I don't think we could ever forget or totally go back to the way it was before we had had this experience. Let’s face it; we are all the sum of our past experiences, for better or worse. In our case, I think we could live a perfectly happy life without swinging. In your case, only time will tell.

As Chicup said, if you could give us more details I think it would really help us better understand the problem.

[kandl]

thanks for the feedback and input; I'm seeing the consistent theme among the 5 replies. it's just too bad that it was the previous two experiences that has put me in this state, and as a result, she might wander at some point, thus hurting me more...what a vicious cycle. thanks again folks.

[Lovinlife59912]

Very well said Good Times, hopefully he responds back because I am curious now as to where all the anger came from. I know I'm nosy.

[singleagain]

"I've absolutely had it with the lifestyle. I'm done. Because of my experiences, my wife says she, too is done. According to her, she doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, and wants to just get back to life the way it used to be."

Ok, lets see...in your post you used personal pronouns to refer to yourself 19 times and only 11 times for your wife. You had two bad experiences and she had two good ones. They happened for you both at the same time if I read your post correctly. Maybe I'm drawing the wrong conclusion here, but it looks like you are a very self-centered person who doesn't recognize what swinging is really all about. I have paid close attention to what the other posters say here. Swinging is for people who want to experience something extra in their sex life. Marriage is for people who love each other. Now you don't need sex for a loving marriage, but you do need concern for your life partner. If she had a good time why did you not enjoy that for her sake. Evidently she recognized you didn't and has agreed (as you stated) "she doesn't think about it, doesn't want it, and wants to just get back to life the way it used to be." I don't want to be overly harsh, but why don't you just sit back and think what it would be like if she had been the one dissatisfied and you were the one who really got into sex with other people?

Just my opinion...I'll shut up now...

[WesternSwing]

I'm along the lines of Chicup, good times, and several others. Swinging is not the problem here, sexual disfunction is. I would think that if she loves you she could give up swinging with no regrets if everything else is good in the relationship. But, if you don't fix this one issue you are having you are headed for rough seas whether or not swinging was ever involved.

See a doctor, find out what is bothering you and creating this disinterest in sex, and fix that problem. You'll feel better about yourself and thus your relationship will flourish.

Mr. WS

[Amanda69]

The lifestyle is great when it is something that adds to and enhances your relationship...then it is hard to leave behind.

But if you have had bad experiences then your marriage is what is more important and then I don't think it is something that is hard to leave behind.

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by kandl

...it's just too bad that it was the previous two experiences that has put me in this state...

From the tone of your posts, something horrible has happened. Part of me, and I very well could be wrong, wonders if you haven’t mentioned the actual events that are causing you trouble because you might know deep down that you are blowing them out of proportion. (I can be direct to the point of asshole so I’ll apologize in advance if I am way off) Whatever happened, it’s truly unfortunate but YOU control YOUR destiny.

Do you take those incidences as learning experiences and move on to be a better and happier person? Or do you dwell on them and let them poison your future?

You may need professional help to guide you past this hurdle that frankly you have built for yourself. It could also be that tons of trusting and productive conversation with your wife would do the trick too.

I hope that wasn’t harsh because it wasn’t meant to be. It was meant to give you a different perspective of your situation.

Mr.

[EvilMJ]

We have been known to take breaks from time to time. In fact right now it has been a bit since we have played at all. In our case it is because this time of year work is flat out busy, hubby works LONG hours and we just don't have the time or energy to fit it in until the spring rush ends.

Here is what i have found - while I do not completely PURGE swinging out of my system so I never think of it again. I can function happily in my life.

Swinging is only a fun recreation that is a part of my life....It is not my life.

So yes I can go back to my vanilla world if I had to, I love my family and they fulfill me, I don't need swinging to be happy. It's like chocolate. I enjoy it immensly, I could live without it, but I will never in a million years forget what it tasted like.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by kandl

I don't really care for sex anymore - she always initiates it, and although I go through "the motions", I constantly feel anger, embarrassment, and every other emotion known to man when this dimention of our marriage comes up.

I find it hard to imagine why you can't separate loving sex with your wife, from whatever bad experience you had last year. The last one was half a year ago, yet you're still so angry, you won't initiate sex. Whom are you angry at? Your wife? It sounds like you're punishing her for liking what you both agreed to try.

If you want to save your marriage, please, seek help for yourself. You've got to work this out, if you value your relationship and if you really love her.

Think about it - the two of you tried something, and you must have agreed to try swinging, right? So, it didn't work out for you two. That happens a lot of the time, it's not everyone's cup of tea. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It's fine to try something on for size, see if it fits, and then if it doesn't, lay it aside. You can have exciting sex just between the two of you with fantasy, role play, many things. You can focus on each other and have a hot sex life, and be very satisfied for the rest of your lives. This is probably all that your wife wants, at this point.

Keep on holding on to all that anger about something that's over and water under the bridge 6 months ago, keep withholding sex and affection, and you will likely kill your marriage. It won't be her fault. She only did what you both agreed to try. Are you punishing her with your anger and withholding of affection toward her? Think about it - please get help. Best of luck to you.

[intuition897]

I agree with the attitude of the posts thus far, but if there's one thing that I've been guilty of more often than I'd like, it's jumping to conclusions. We haven't yet heard exactly what went wrong, who did what to whom, and so forth. We haven't heard Mrs. kandl's side of the story yet. Mr. kandl could be overreacting, or maybe Mrs. kandl wasn't playing by their rules. Either way, we don't know until we hear more from one or both of them.

I do agree, however, that there is definitely some blocked communication going on here. It's poisoning your relationship. Witholding affection as punishment, or the inability to express love sexually with one another, as is usual, is a serious problem. Sexual dysfunction is usually not the problem itself; it's the symptom. Find the root cause of your reluctance and fix it, and you fix the sexual dysfunction. In any case, some serious, very deep heart-to-heart discussion of your mutual priorities and desires can't do anything but help the situation.