A small rant about meeting people...

[exploringRM]

I always see (and give as well) the advice that when going to a swing club or meet & greet you need to be outgoing and forward in meeting/talking to people.

Do people really take that advice? If so then you would expect some number of couples at the clubs be social butterflies and talk to other couples. And I'm not talking about the host couples on duty that night.

A part of me says, why do we need to be forward/proactive all of the time? Where are the other couples that are doing the same thing?

Thoughts?

[redsticktwo4u]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

I always see (and give as well) the advice that when going to a swing club or meet & greet you need to be outgoing and forward in meeting/talking to people.

Do people really take that advice? If so then you would expect some number of couples at the clubs be social butterflies and talk to other couples. And I'm not talking about the host couples on duty that night.

A part of me says, why do we need to be forward/proactive all of the time? Where are the other couples that are doing the same thing?

Thoughts?

Yes, this is our experience exactly! We are friendly and outgoing, but everytime we talk to people, we are made to feel as if we are interrupting more important things. Where are the "friendly" people that these clubs talk about in their websites?

[exploringRM]

It's hard to read how interruptable a couple is at a club. Are they with friends, are they on a "date", etc. We'll try to insert ourselves into a conversation at the bar or by the dance floor by don't intrude on a group at a table.

I recall one of our early experiences, we were meeting a new couple (and we were very new..not totally but not tons of experience) at a swing club. Another couple came up and sat down, they had had some email contact with the other couple. It was difficult as we were trying to get to know our new friends. And when it came time to play it was awkward. I think the other couple was interested in playing too, but we were not..so we just said our goodbyes and headed to the playroom. So WE don't want to be that other couple..lol.

[redsticktwo4u]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

It's hard to read how interruptable a couple is at a club. Are they with friends, are they on a "date", etc. We'll try to insert ourselves into a conversation at the bar or by the dance floor by don't intrude on a group at a table.

I recall one of our early experiences, we were meeting a new couple (and we were very new..not totally but not tons of experience) at a swing club. Another couple came up and sat down, they had had some email contact with the other couple. It was difficult as we were trying to get to know our new friends. And when it came time to play it was awkward. I think the other couple was interested in playing too, but we were not..so we just said our goodbyes and headed to the playroom. So WE don't want to be that other couple..lol.

Yeah, that's how it always seems to be. We're starting to get a bit gun shy.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

A part of me says, why do we need to be forward/proactive all of the time? Where are the other couples that are doing the same thing?

Thoughts?

Mrs Newpants agrees with you 100% and wishes we could come in and sit down in the corner and other people would take the initiative to approach us and stick their necks out risking rejection instead of us. I am sure many other people feel the same way...heck for that matter I feel the same way.

The problem is we have tried that......many times..... it didn't work.

It didn't work for us, now keep in mind it may work perfectly well for others. For us that just doesn't work. Part of the problem with being passive and waiting for others to make the move is that you are at the mercy of whoever is the one approaching you and that person/couple may or may not be someone you are interested in.

If your standards for playing is someone who is breathing and has a pulse then being passive will probably work. If you sit in the corner of the club long enough someone will come trolling along eventually. If that person/couple suits your needs, then you are good to go.

In our case Mrs New is so picky and selective that out of several dozen couples in a club there may only be one or two that she would even consider. The odds of one of those couples just happening to approach us is slim and none.

Also take a look at it this way, if everyone took the advice of getting out and taking a chance and making the first move, we would have a room full of people approaching people. Eventually things are going to start happening.

Conversely if the collective advice is to sit there and wait and everyone sits there and waits, there is going to be a whole lotta nothing going on.

While I definately understand and am in touch with your rant, I think your advice (and everyone else's) to be outgoing and forward is sound.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Newpants

While I definately understand and am in touch with your rant, I think your advice (and everyone else's) to be outgoing and forward is sound.

On second thought, some people might have a hangup with the terms outgoing and forward. Some people just simply are not outgoing and forward.


So how about thinking of it in terms of being proactive and taking the initiative instead?

[DiscreetDesires]

Most of the people in our area are on the same site that we are on and we will go through the list of rsvps that night to the club.
We'll go through the profiles and pictures and get a good idea of who we would like to meet.
Sometimes, we will send them an email prior to that night letting them know that we will also be at the club, and it would be great to meet them. If we get a response, then we will approach them at the club with no ill feelings of intruding because we have already spoken.

Now, as far as approaching someone in a club that we have never spoken to in any form.. Well.. it can sometimes get a little tricky.
Mostly, we will just try and stick to.. if they are alone at a table, then we don't feel like we are intruding. We introduce ourselves, chat for a minute, and then tell them where we are sitting, and if they would like.. they are more than welcome to join us.
This has worked out pretty well because we don't overcrowd them if we are not a wanted addition, but still gives them an opportunity to further the talk if they may have an interest in us.

[JustAskJulie]

If we don't feel like we can be forward and proactive that night we don't go. BUT, it hasn't always been that way. When we first started he was a total wallflower, very shy and typically looked like he was having a terrible time (even though he wasn't). He'd enjoy watching the crowds and enjoyed talking to people if they started it. I have always been a bit more social but there are times when I get worn out and just can't keep moving around all night. What I've found? The more we move around and talk to people the more fun we have. It's way more fun that way than waiting for people to come to us, we get more choice on WHO we end up talking to for how long. We can sit and talk if we choose (and they are open to it) or we can just say hello and keep moving. Sometimes we ask people to dance (sometimes they ask us) and people know who we are.

I agree everyone should try this and I encourage it both here and at the clubs. When I meet new people I always tell them to get up out of their chairs and go meet people. When I talk to newbies in person I tell them "don't wait for people to come to you". Some take the advice and some don't. Some people just aren't comfortable with it and that's ok. It's when no one does it that the clubs typically suck and no one has a good time.

When we first started trying to be pro-active we were at our favorite on-premise club and we didn't feel comfortable trying to break into the groups that obviously knew each other so we'd watch for other newbies (usually identified when we saw them being given a tour of the club) and once they had a chance to get settled we'd approach them. Sometimes they'd think that we must be hosts or regulars but no we were just newish there too and wanted to meet people. It was win-win. We didn't have to move around the whole night just enough to meet people and have a good time.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

...I have always been a bit more social but there are times when I get worn out and just can't keep moving around all night.

Moving around is key. But there have been times my energy dropped out and all I wanted was to sit and stare. It's terrible when it hits, and I feel like heading out the door when it happens. There isn't much point in being there because I feel drained and I'm sure my face must show it.

When we have sat down we've had people approach us for play, but it was always late (near closing time) and people were getting antsy to find someone to play with. We could tell that was why we were approached. Feeling like we're someone's last chance isn't a turn on.

Another problem with staying seated is that people can approach you, plant themselves in the extra seat(s) and NEVER go away! We've had this happen and it's no fun.

Keep standing, keep moving, be actively involved in making connections and things are more likely to work in your favor. Yes, some nights it gets exhausting and frustrating, other nights it pumps me up. Bottom line for me is I'd rather take charge, make something happen for us, rather than sitting back and waiting for others to do something.

LM