Aggresive-Pushy husbands at parties/clubs

[BamaRide]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

Perhaps, some people do not like to be recognized outside of the club? I would not mind if we were approached, but it depends in what setting I guess.

Sounds more like a conflict between approaches to the lifestyle... bank couple could well be very strick NSA style while you folks sound like you are more friendship based in your lifestyle choice.

Neither is wrong...but this clearly shows yet again that regardless of you style communicating and understand these things are critical to the prevention of misunderstandings in the lifetstyle.

BamaRide

[Karmickiss]

Hi All,
Woah, another thread I can identify with! Besides having one male friend that I sometimes(rarely, have lost touch) would go out to dance with, I go alone. It would be wonderful, one day, if it's meant to be, to be with someone who is serious about being in the lifestyle, just to feel like one has "back up". I had one situation for another thread, of a male friend, who didn't appreciate the position of going out to gay clubs, and getting an acutal invite by two bueatiful girls..but again, another thread...lol. I have had girlfriends that I've been able to have 3-somes with another woman when together, but those were like isolated, prearranged people we knew cases.....but mindblowingly excellent cases
My point is, I've been really investigating the lifestyle alone, as a single woman, on and off. I have come into contact with the pushy male half of a couple...and the first, most awkward time this happened, I was pretty new to the whole thing, and I had to seriously re-think things. NOW, if it were to happen, I'd feel more ready and equipped for it.
I'm trying to recall how I met this couple, but they were close by, and we did start communicating online....and they seemed like a good fit. I wrote back and forth to both...but looking back, I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote on behalf of both...even when it was supposed to be her responding. Something felt a bit off...but I couldn't put my finger on it. Now, I'd have averted the situation altogether, insisting on meeting and feeling each other out in person, before agreeing to meet, with 'no expectations', but also a big 'maybe' of something going to happen,...cringe.
At a club scene, I've seen some rude things, but usually not, at least in this general area, seemed more good than not, but been a long time. I feel more in control in a situation like that, I think, though it would never be a nice feeling thing.
However, the running story about the couple. I was OK with them coming to my home for first meeting...another cringe...this is before I found this board at all, back then, and wish I'd have known then what I do now. He kept talking talking talking, and I kept trying to engage her in conversation, being whole heartedly bi-sexual, I wanted to get a feel for her...and I did..she was afraid, it's how it felt, of her hubby, looking to him as if to say, "May I speak directly to her?" Each time, I could read their body language, and the answer to her unspoken query, was a strong NO.
They were both attractive on the outside, but the woman seemed totally "flat"(no pun here, lol), and he seemed just a wee bit too touchy, pushy, and when I'd try and talk about feelings about this or that thing, he kept steering it where he wanted to go, rudely. At the time, I would never have assumed the woman before me could have written the e-mails I got...and also, I couldn't sense an ounce of sincere attraction from her, which is fine...but totally misrepresented, I think, and it made me wish I could press some imaginary "delete" or "reset" button. I felt bad for her.
I've been in abusive situations with men in the past, so can pick up on the tension/fear...and this is one thing I think about a lot, actually, as far as women go. Are they what they say, or are they what they are expected to be, or has there been some kind of underlying trauma which can push around preferences strictly due to some reactionary response?
Forgive me, this seems to be getting long. So, I don't enjoy, nor am I even good at lying, so I have to say that I went ahead and went through with things I didn't even want to do at that point, I think mostly out of concern for her, if that makes sense. It was hard to internalize all at once, there, that these people that I had this feeling of having a "good sense" about, were really something entirely different in person. It's painful for me to even admit this. I didn't go and do much..and it was obvious, I'm sure, that I was more in confusion than anything else, and had to end it abruptly, b/c the whole thing was just so....wrong.
I made excuses based on truth to cut the night early, and then afterward, this guy, was really really angry with me. I did recover to next day e-mail and phoning that it just wasn't a good match for me, not what I expected. He wasn't overtly "scary" to me that night, but the next day was something different. He wouldn't let it go, he didn't want to accept that answer from me. It was awful b/c I was already beating myself up for being so....naieve, and then wondered how I could have not caught that something was very "off" He was stalking me for a while, and then the angry, drunken phone calls started. There were some tell tale signs thinking back, with just the woman.
I think this is an important thread for me to think about. A pushy man, in the ways described here, is the biggest turn off ever, for me. I'm shocked at the outright disrespect I've read in other's posts here, at clubs. I think the one that I used to go to was a really good one...they were able to "weed out" many potential disasters...a process I learned more about, from one "staff" person I met at this place. I was able to live and learn, and this was one crash course I'm really not willing to repeat. If anything feels 'one sided' for me, it's a signal to retreat now, and not give any signals that I go for that, feeling bad for a person or not. I do hope that woman in the long run, is doing okay, she felt so sad, and "resigned" to me. Many blessings to all, karmic

[carrysmith]

(Karmickiss)u mentioned somthing that brought back some bad memeories..we too would comunicate with a couple back/forth whom we thought was a cool couple, then i got the feeling he was writing e-mails for her ( thatw as creepY0 and everytime id call ehr she wouldnt answer her cellphone & then h'd call me back from his cellphone, at the club she woudl rarely open her mouth & when she did he would give ehr a really crazy look ( like a shut up look)..even when i was ask her to accompany me to the bathrooms he would answer no! 4 her and he would take ehr and wait for her outside the door,as time went by we realized this couple was strange him more than anything, i decied to confront him about his bizzar control over her, verbally he got aggressive with me,like this angry/bizzar face cameout we had never seen.after that incident we decied to cut ties with them completley, well to make a long story short, we cut ties & they decied to become stalkers,anytime we would leave the club they would parked next to our car in the parking lot,1 time the valet told theyw ere sitting in there car for 2hours we assume waiting 4us, they would send us at least 8 e-mails a day,he would say im soo in love with u,we have to be freinds agin..well my husband actually had to confront him & tell him firmly leave us alone or im contacting the law!..thankfully he hasnt contacted us anymore,. but we have noticed some of the poeple/couples that attend swingers clubs/parites can easyly become stalkers & bizzare..

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by carrysmith

we really dought swinging will ever even come close to being maistream,jus the other day saw a couple that we thought were our freinds there members of our club too, well we saw them at the bank & my husband decied to approch them and say hello,my husband extened his hand to him & they guy said excuse me but we dont know u! we looked at each other and said OMG! are they fake of what!..my husband says to the ladies husband, jim how ru we were at the club lastweek partying with u guys,,the husband said thats not my name sir, we dont know u,leave us alone.. we were like ok, this is bizzar..aside from pushy/aggressive people we have also come across alot of fake poeple 2..the type that will notrecognize u outside the club & in the club they act if u were his frind of 20yrs..im sure if many of u guys were to get involved in the miami swingers lifestyle u all would be extreamly disapointed...

and..

Originally Posted by carrysmith

but we have noticed some of the poeple/couples that attend swingers clubs/parites can easyly become stalkers & bizzare..

and many other negative posts from you about swinging.

I think I speak for most if not all of us; if we had the type of experiences you seem to have, we wouldn't be swinging. You're a magnet for bad experiences. I'm incredulous at this point. This is six sigma territory.

[xxxboxy]

Bravo, Bravo!!!!!

[qreskupl7476]

Originally Posted by carrysmith

we really dought swinging will ever even come close to being maistream,jus the other day saw a couple that we thought were our freinds there members of our club too, well we saw them at the bank & my husband decied to approch them and say hello,my husband extened his hand to him & they guy said excuse me but we dont know u! we looked at each other and said OMG! are they fake of what!..my husband says to the ladies husband, jim how ru we were at the club lastweek partying with u guys,,the husband said thats not my name sir, we dont know u,leave us alone.. we were like ok, this is bizzar..aside from pushy/aggressive people we have also come across alot of fake poeple 2..the type that will notrecognize u outside the club & in the club they act if u were his frind of 20yrs..im sure if many of u guys were to get involved in the miami swingers lifestyle u all would be extreamly disapointed...

Not that we're experts or anything, we're just trying to plug through life and learn as much as possible just like anyone else, but from what we understand you may have kinda crossed a line there. We would have no trouble with someone saying hello if it were just us, no kids, vanilla friends, family members tagging along, but if that WERE the case, we'd hope they'd have the decency to just pass us by for the time being, perhaps a knowing glance could be fun, but for heaven's sake NOT come up and start talking about "The Club". Even if someone didn't specify "Swinger" club, it still would likely make us EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and from what we've always understood, it's kind of common courtesy and an unwritten rule to not "recognize" people out in public, even if they are good friends in swinging situations. We happen to be one of those couples that have to keep our LS involvement as separate as possible from our vanilla life due to EXTREMELY judgmental people that we're forced to deal with on a daily basis, and wouldn't be very impressed at all if someone came up to us in public and started talking shop. It's happened before, and although we haven't pretended not to know someone, we have cut some conversations mighty short, possibly even somewhat rudely in order to preserve our discretion.

[BamaRide]

Originally Posted by qreskupl7476

but from what we understand you may have kinda crossed a line there.

I have to disagree... if it isn't talked about...if it isn't spelled out then they didn't cross any line. Communications is the key to the lifestyle and the lack of it is when things like this crop up.

It is understandable for a couple t have an expection of speperation betweent their vanilla world and their lifestyle if they so wish it to be. However, unless that expecation is expressed then it isn't realistic.

This is where the extreme casual approach to swinging has a built in trap related to the expressed lack of communictions. If your strictly a NSA swinger then yes I would agree that general public acknowedgement would be a bit out of bounds, but from the description this was not a hit and run experience type situation, therefore desire for boundries in public could have been easily approached and avoid the discomfort experience by both couples.

BamaRide

[carrysmith]

we are a very open couple , if u are our freind in the swingers lifestyle u are also our freinds anywere/anytime in life..we just find it extreamly disrespectfull that certain people {pretend/act} like our freinds at the clubs/parties , have no problems what so ever screwing me or my husband but wont shake our hands or even say a quick hello to us in public, 2us that is very rude/cold hearted !.

[qreskupl7476]

Originally Posted by carrysmith

we are a very open couple , if u are our freind in the swingers lifestyle u are also our freinds anywere/anytime in life..we just find it extreamly disrespectfull that certain people {pretend/act} like our freinds at the clubs/parties , have no problems what so ever screwing me or my husband but wont shake our hands or even say a quick hello to us in public, 2us that is very rude/cold hearted !.

We would totally agree with this statement, and I hope that our post wasn't perceived to mean that this sort of behavior would be appropriate either. We were commenting with regards to a theoretical situation, one in which LS friends come up to us and start "talking shop" in a public setting. We would also be offended if someone pretended not to know us if what we had said to them was appropriate for mixed company, and we would NEVER do that to someone else unless they gave us a good reason to.

Pretty much all of our LS friends are at least to some extent vanilla friends as well, some are actually some of our BEST friends, but we do know a few people that do not know the meaning of the word "discretion", and meeting up with them in public has put us in some uncomfortable situations that we were forced to find an immediate exit from lest there be problems. Let's face it, most people don't have to be told that if you're at the store with your kids, it's probably not a good time to discuss the "ins and outs" of the party you all attended the weekend before.