Dealing with inconsiderate people at M&G’s

[prometheius]

We host monthly meet & greets, at a swinger couple’s place in the summer as cookouts, and at a hotel lounge the rest of the year.

On two occasions, (one indoors, one outdoors), I overheard one of the guests telling jokes that included racial slurs. It was the same person both times, and he is a regular with our group. It made me uncomfortable, annoyed, and embarrassed that someone would behave so disrespectfully at such a venue. I wanted to react to the situation, but wasn’t sure of what, if anything, should be done about it. I realize that he may be blackballing himself and that is fine, but I also feel that being half of the hosting couple, it is our responsibility to do or say something, but what?

How would you handle this situation should it arise again?

[Dave_kat]

I deal with a lot of Equal Oppourtunity things in the military, part of my job on occasion.

Talk directly to him and let him know that his humor is sometimes a bit offcolor and offends people. He may not be aware of it, and simply think it is funny. Make sure when you do this you bring a specific comment or joke that he told so that you can point directly at an example.

No matter what you do, you're going to have to have some kind of direct confrontation. If not, the behavior will continue and it will become more unpleasant as time goes on.

[VegasLee]

I am with Dave_Kat on this one.

Talk directly to the him on this one and as they said, be prepared to be specific about things. Explain to him that type of talk is not welcome at YOUR parties and if he can not deal with that then he is not welcome.

It is YOUR party. Your rules. That is how it is at any party. The host sets the rules and those that can not live with them don't have to be there.

Think about what he has said an who he is saying it to though. I have been known to tell some black jokes at times but most of the time I am telling them to our security guys, they are all black. They where not offended at all. You may have been if you had over heard them.

[ownerspet]

Originally Posted by prometheius

We host monthly meet & greets

In my head there are 3 options.

Option 1: My question is, Is it by invitation only? (but it sounds as though that is not the case.) If it is by invitation only though, you may want to just not invite them or tell them of the next M&G. However, this may only work for a while, as eventually the guilty parties involved may hear about the events from another individual that is still attending.

Originally Posted by prometheius

..... included racial slurs. .......... he is a regular with our group. I wanted to react to the situation...

I have to commend you on not going with a gut reaction, because I would hate for any group to disband over this kind of drama. However, let me move on to option 2.

Option 2: It may be better resolved if you possibly be more direct with him, one on one if you get the opportunity when its just you and him in the room, or go have a beer somewhere with him. Then find a nice calm polite way to just ask him straight out why he would even think it was ok to tell racial jokes and let him know they aren't welcome. However, if he truely has a racial biased attitude expect a negative reaction and you may have to ban him from your M&G. But, he might have just heard the jokes and was trying to fit in, and if you bring it to his attention he may have not realized how he came accross. It's far fetched I admit, but it might be worth a shot.

Originally Posted by prometheius

I realize that he may be blackballing himself and that is fine....

Option 3: Ignore them, and you don't have to play with him. But you hit upon a good point in that he may be blackballing himself. If you take this stance and he does get blackballed by most in the group, then he will go away after being ignored for a while. The down side of this aproach is that you may have to deal with drama when he finally gets to the point of realizing everyone is ignoring him. You also run the risk of him not being ignored.

Out of the 3 options that I have thought of none of them are actually the greatest outcomes.

After the fact is difficult with these situations. Dealing with the comments at the time by saying something like, "My best freind is black/latino/whatever, may be better in the future." Chances are they will shut up or apologize unless they are really strong in their racial stance.


Thats my 2 cents

[timswife28]

So, how have you dealt with this? Or is it still just hanging there?

[prometheius]

We haven't had to deal with it again. I would suspect that he either came to his senses, or his wife may have said something about it. Whatever happened, all has been quiet on the party front! We've had six M&G's since I originally posted and he's behaved well just as anyone else does.