Signs of unapproachability

[JustAskJulie]

The social we went to this last weekend gave us a really good chance to see a different type of layout and how different choices in seating/standing/placement can affect the way others perceive your level of approachability. This is based solely on how we perceived others...

Sitting at the bar with your back to the room - unapproachable. We saw at least 2 couples remain in this position for much of the night and while we would have loved to approach them we felt very uncomfortable doing so, as they were giving us the vibe that they were not interested in what the room had to offer. Eventually, one of the couples finally turned their bodies so that they were facing each other instead of the bar, that gave us the opportunity we needed and we did introduce ourselves and had a good time chatting with them.

Sitting in a booth - this venue had booths as well as high top tables. It seemed to us that those couples who went towards a booth as their choice of seat did not want to be bothered. They wanted privacy, as they seemed to be closing themselves off from the group. We did not approach any couples sitting in booths.

Sitting/Standing at a high top table - approachable. When we did approach these couples we stood, unless invited to sit (and then only if we were comfortable with the idea of staying there for a bit).

Patio seating - this venue had patio tables, which is where most of the smokers stayed. We wondered out there occasionally just to see who was out there and what was going on. It was easy enough to talk to people IF they were not sitting in a large group already appearing to be in their own world.

What other situations have you seen that have affected the approachability level of a couple/single in a club/social setting? Do large tables over small tables make a difference? What about hot tubs? Sofas?

One of our favorite clubs had a couple of sofas in the social/dance area. It always seems like two couples manage to take over that area and if you attempt to sit there (even if only one couple is sitting there) you are informed that those seats are taken (evidently the sofas are highly coveted in this particular area). However, there are also sofas in a conversation areas and those seem more open with those sitting there more approachable.

[LikeMinds321]

Appearing unapproachable can depend on the facility you're at and how you make the best of it. Some places are designed well for interacting with ease, others are not.

Stay Away Sign: Sit all night in one spot in a dark corner, away from traffic.

If you can remain standing - and move about throughout the night - that is by far the most approachable position in my view. We do this nearly always if we want people to feel welcome to walk up to us, however, we are accustomed to walking up to others rather than waiting for people to approach us.

Standing for hours is hard on me so after a time I've got to sit down. When we do, we try to pick a table for 4 where people are always moving by so that we can make eye contact, say hello while they pass, or prompt them to stop by or sit down to chat.

We like being at a bar that is u-shaped (or better yet, a circular bar in the center of the room) and has a big mirror behind the liquor shelves so that we can see what's going on behind us. We're also sitting up high at a bar and can watch people easily, and people are always coming up to a bar to order drinks. We always try to turn toward each other so that our backs aren't to the group.

If you are with a group of friends, being approachable may not be as important because you may have you're own party going on and don't feel the need to meet others on a particular night. In this case a circular booth or sitting area with couches is great!

LM

[CXXC]

Sitting at a bar is only bad if you face only the bar. Well, unless the bartender is the object of your desire.

Booths are BAD! It is similar to going to a room and closing the door. Few people will walk by, perhaps stop and chat, but who wants to stand above someone and talk to them for long?

Tables have the ability to invite people from all sides, tall tables are best as you are eye to eye at least. The tables positioning int he room is also important. You dont want to be at a table in the corner. People may not make it that far.

One form of bar table that I have seen that works in virtually every community is the long (12 feet) tall table. At least 12 people can sit at this table facing each other and passers-by can stop and say hi to anyone on either side. This is a great table set up.

Walking about the club is probably the best way to show that you are aproachable.

Sitting in or around the pool or hot tub is as available as you can get. People have to float past you so make eye contact and say HI!

One point though. It is not always just the places you sit that make you approachable. If you do not look at people, it makes no difference where you are. You will always seem unavailable. Look at them when they walk into the room. If they catch your eye, smile and even wink. That is an invit if ever there was.

[MrkLin]

Another factor in approachability is the way a person dresses – mainly the ladies.

A lot of women, Lin included, aren’t into ‘club wear.’ She thinks that a lot of the outfits she sees at a club are pretty contrived. Ok, maybe some of them are, but for the most part I think they’re just downright sexy. She’s a firm believer in the idea that sometimes what you can’t see is sexier than putting everything on open display. She says that anyone can get naked – the point is to get the other person interested in wanting to see what’s beneath the clothing, rather than just stripping off and letting them see it all at once. So basically she’ll pick out a sexy dress or skirt and blouse to wear, and we go from there.

I’ve really gotten her to loosen up in her manner of dress by talking to her about approachability. She’ll undo more buttons to show off a lot more cleavage than she used to. (A blouse buttoned up to cover her cleavage screams “Don’t look!” So does a button down skirt or dress that is completely buttoned up.) She’ll unbutton her skirt from the bottom up to allow her legs to show as she walks or sits (and to provide for easier access, should the need arise.) She wears shorter skirts than she ever has, and just about all of her ‘club attire’ buttons up the front so she can control just how much she’s showing off at any given time, as well as be able to unbutton it completely once we get into the playroom.

When I see a lady wearing tight fitting jeans and a western shirt, I pretty much enjoy the view, but don’t approach. The jeans look sexy, but they also restrict access – this tells me that she doesn’t want anyone to have access, whether she intends it that way or not. That’s how I interpret it. The more covered a woman’s body is, to me anyway, the less open, approachable, and welcoming she is. Again – that’s just my interpretation. Wearing a boot length winter coat doesn’t give the impression that you want to be approached – it gives me the impression that you’re ready to make your escape at a moment’s notice.

How you carry yourself says a lot about approachability too. As has been said before, standing or walking around in the higher traffic areas silently send the signal that you want to socialize. Sitting in a tall stool in a high traffic area does the same, although not as well. You at least appear to be approachable in that you’ve placed yourself where it’s more likely that you will be approached.

How you sit is important too. Sitting with your arms folded across your chest, leaning over forward, or having your hands lying in your lap give the impression that you’re hiding something from view or protecting something you think might be threatened. It’s the same as sitting at the bar with your back to the crowd – that says, “Leave us alone.” Sitting upright, with one hand on your table and the other by your side (or both hands by your sides) send a signal that you’re welcoming others to look, because your body is open to view. You’re inviting the attention, and appear open and approachable. Lin and I also sit opposite each other at the table, leaving an open stool beside each of us. That sends the signal that there is room for others to join us if they’d care to.

If you want to appear approachable, you have to look as though you’re inviting and welcoming the attention others are paying to you. As CXXC said, a welcoming smile does act as an invitation to further interest. Inviting body language does so as well – even from across a room.

[screaminggood]

I agree with the previous poster...especially about the women in jeans. We've never bothered to approach them. I don't buy clubwear, but do wear short skirts without panties and revealing blouses. I've noticed that bi-women tend to go pantiless more often....does anyone else's research affirm this?

As for the place, I definitely like a high bar stool where we can sit facing the dance floor. The low tables are difficult to look down at other people...and it's always hard to know if multiple couples are already matched up or just sharing a table.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by screaminggood

I don't buy clubwear, but do wear short skirts without panties ....................
.....I definitely like a high bar stool where we can sit facing the dance floor...........

I would say the combination of these two things alone make you very approachable.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by MrkLin

When I see a lady wearing tight fitting jeans and a western shirt, I pretty much enjoy the view, but don’t approach. The jeans look sexy, but they also restrict access – this tells me that she doesn’t want anyone to have access, whether she intends it that way or not. That’s how I interpret it.

Originally Posted by screaminggood

I agree with the previous poster...especially about the women in jeans. We've never bothered to approach them.

I found these comments interesting and would guess that you both attend on-premise clubs.

I can see where it could be assumed that a woman was unapproachable if wearing jeans (or slacks) because at an on-premise club it would be easiest if she could slide a dress or skirt up - no panties underneath - and quickly get into sex without the hassle of tossing jeans aside.

Around here, we only have off-premise clubs, and women - including myself - regularly wear jeans, along with skirts and dresses. Wearing jeans has never kept people from approaching me, and I've never found that when I wear a dress or skirt more people approach.

My conclusion is that a woman being considered unapproachable if she wears jeans probably has more to do with whether you're at an "on" or "off" premise club.

By the way, I've had unwanted grabs at my ass from strangers when I'm wearing jeans, but never when I've worn a dress or skirt.

LM

[The Fuse]

I'm like-minded with LikeMinds321.

We don't have on-premise clubs here. The closest thing we have is a small bar where there've been a few closed parties. There is some foreplay out in the open, but not that much open sex. It never occurred to me that wearing jeans would indicate not being approachable, but perhaps if we had social functions that could lead to sex on-premise, I might feel differently.

Not having on "easy access" clothes might make me a little less "available" sexually, but I don't see why it should keep anyone from talking to me... unless your expectation from conversation is to be touching my privates a few minutes in. Most of my experience in playing is situations where if we get that far, we are taking all the clothes off and getting down to some serious fun.

I tend to agree a lot more with the comments about body language, about smiling and being friendly, and about where you stand, sit or walk.

Maybe wearing jeans just means that's what I had that I thought looked good and was appropriate to the venue and the weather. For quite a while, I didn't have many "clubwear" outfits. Actually, I still don't. I like to look sexy but don't necessarily equate that to being overly exposed.

I think there is a difference between looking enticing and looking simply available. I suppose if you're not someone I'm interested in, I think that having everything hanging out sends the wrong message, i.e. "it's all out here, touch me".

As far as being approachable, I tend to take the viewpoint that if there's someone I want to talk to, it's up to me to make it happen. If I'm checking someone out, I take my cues from body language and even more overt signs rather than what they are wearing.

If someone is facing away from me and stays facing away even when they know I'm right there next to them, or if they just look unreceptive, then I consider that a sign of unapproachability.

If someone keeps to one spot in the room and talks to only a few people in that area, and doesn't make their way around the room at all, then they seem unapproachable to me.

If I make eye contact with someone and they don't smile, nod or otherwise give some positive sign, then they seem unapproachable.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by MrkLin

When I see a lady wearing tight fitting jeans and a western shirt, I pretty much enjoy the view, but don’t approach. The jeans look sexy, but they also restrict access – this tells me that she doesn’t want anyone to have access, whether she intends it that way or not. That’s how I interpret it. The more covered a woman’s body is, to me anyway, the less open, approachable, and welcoming she is. Again – that’s just my interpretation. Wearing a boot length winter coat doesn’t give the impression that you want to be approached – it gives me the impression that you’re ready to make your escape at a moment’s notice.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I found these comments interesting and would guess that you both attend on-premise clubs.

I can see where it could be assumed that a woman was unapproachable if wearing jeans (or slacks) because at an on-premise club it would be easiest if she could slide a dress or skirt up - no panties underneath - and quickly get into sex without the hassle of tossing jeans aside.

Early on when we started going to clubs again I would wear jeans - both to off and on premise club. As I've gotten more comfortable I no longer do and looking back at it (and at the one time since that I have worn jeans - at an off-premise club) I can see what Mark is talking about. I don't think women (including myself) mean it to come off as if they don't want to be approached but I can see where to some they would seem less approachable. It's that idea of covering the body and therefore seeming that you aren't comfortable being there. Not comfortable being there = probably not comfortable being approached.

I don't think that jeans/pants alone determine how people perceive your approachability... but I do think that it in combination with other things can definitely have an effect. As I was reading Mark's post, I felt like I could relate, because I do feel like FOR ME wearing jeans is like a sign saying "I'm not available for play tonight, so don't bother". I'll wear jeans now if I'm on my period or for some other reason have no interest in playing that night.

I think it comes down to a combination of what you are wearing with those jeans and the attitude you put off with them, as well. If you are the type that does a lot of approaching, it doesn't matter what you wear. If you have a very sexy/flirty attitude (chances are you are also doing a lot of approaching) and no one is going to think twice that your jeans make you less approachable. I think a lot of these comments apply mostly to those who are hesitant to do the approaching or unlikely to approach people themselves.

This has turned into a really great discussion. It's interesting to learn what we might be doing that might be sending the wrong signal, even if just to some. It's also interesting because it could go a long way to helping club owners on how to set up their clubs in a way that helps cut down on people putting themselves in unapproachable positions.

[CXXC]

In my vanilla and LS life, I have utilized many communications tools to obtain my desires. If, and this is a big if, I am physically presentable and appealing to my target audience, I have several devices with which I may use to win them over to further my advances.

1. Upon my introduction, I make certain that I touch them. Shake the man's hand, keeping polite eye contact and a smile. The same connection is offered to the woman.
2. I introduce Mrs. CXXC by announcing her name while moving her toward the woman first for their introduction and then to the man. We both keep our faces and eyes friendly and polite while holding an expression of delight over meeting new people.
3. our conversations generally start with a short Q&A pertaining to them. This is not an intrusive interrogation. It is a light form of "Getting to know you" that enables them to open up to us as we open to them. I avoid closed ended questions but try to enlist their involvement in the conversation.
"How often do you come here?"
That is probably the best starter question after the introduction. The response often tells me if they are interested in conversing, nervous or disinterested in us.
4. Our body language displays our interest in the couple as well. We lean in slightly yet not too closely. Our arms are to our sides or open in a non defensive posture. I even like to place my hand upon the back of their seats if they are seated. I remember to keep a comfortable distance in order to not appear overly excited with the potential activities.
5. We touch our audience in gentle and reflexive manners. Open palms or light caresses upon their arms or backs work to sooth any fears they may have and open their minds to the physical aspect of "US".
6. If there are seats available near them, We ask to join them. If the answer is no, we have our answer directly. If they agree, stay involved in the conversation, we move forward. If they seem quiet, reserved or hesitant, we attempt to open the discussion for non LS topics. This is a great way to get anxious individuals to open up as they feel there is no pressure. If they do not open up from that point, we excuse ourselves, shaking hands and leave the couple.
7. We pay close attention to every word the couple speaks. We let them know that they are our focus. We are not disingenuous in our attention. We ARE interested in them.

Mrs. CXXC generally wears skirts and loose fitting tops or a sun dress to these events. She does not expose much of her "target" areas yet lets her femininity show. I will wear clothing that is both comfortable yet stylish.

When looking for interesting people in the crowd, I will make eye contact with my "target", smile and even wink at them from across the room. I will let them know in that action that they are appealing to me. I will not move from where I am but will keep their location in mind and look back to them from time to time. If I catch their eyes again, I will smile at them and wave a greeting to them. This is when I will move toward them, but I will not go to them directly. I will stop at other spots in the club to speak with others first.

What generally happens is that they too will move toward me. In time, no rush, they will have met me half way(if they are interested) and we will make our introductions.

It is just like a dance. You take a step, they take a step. You say something, they reply. Eventually, you will move in a mutual union.

It works for us.

[The Fuse]

Julie wrote: "Early on when we started going to clubs again I would wear jeans - both to off and on premise club. As I've gotten more comfortable I no longer do and looking back at it (and at the one time since that I have worn jeans - at an off-premise club) I can see what Mark is talking about. I don't think women (including myself) mean it to come off as if they don't want to be approached but I can see where to some they would seem less approachable. It's that idea of covering the body and therefore seeming that you aren't comfortable being there. Not comfortable being there = probably not comfortable being approached."

Wow, learn something new every day, for sure.

I hate wearing jeans anyway. They never fit right.

[screaminggood]

Maybe I should add, it's something about the jeans themselves, too, that I think are unapproachable. I've seen women in leather pants, satin pants, etc. and those don't say "stay away." It's the jeans....maybe because they are "too comfortable" (I put those in quotes for those of us who remember lying on our beds to zip them in the 80s).

[MrkLin]

I should have qualified my post by mentioning that the clubs we frequent are on-premise clubs. In fact, now that I think about it, I believe all three of the clubs here locally are on-premise clubs.

Wow! I really didn't think something as simple as a pair of jeans would start so much discussion. I thought I had explained my reason for thinking a woman wearing tight jeans was unapproachable when I said, in the same paragraph, "The more covered a woman’s body is, to me anyway, the less open, approachable, and welcoming she is."

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Early on when we started going to clubs again I would wear jeans - both to off and on premise club. As I've gotten more comfortable I no longer do and looking back at it (and at the one time since that I have worn jeans - at an off-premise club) I can see what Mark is talking about. I don't think women (including myself) mean it to come off as if they don't want to be approached but I can see where to some they would seem less approachable. It's that idea of covering the body and therefore seeming that you aren't comfortable being there. Not comfortable being there = probably not comfortable being approached.

I don't think that jeans/pants alone determine how people perceive your approachability... but I do think that it in combination with other things can definitely have an effect. As I was reading Mark's post, I felt like I could relate, because I do feel like FOR ME wearing jeans is like a sign saying "I'm not available for play tonight, so don't bother". I'll wear jeans now if I'm on my period or for some other reason have no interest in playing that night.

Bingo Julie - that's exactly what I meant. I really don't know why, but this seems to be especially true if the woman is wearing very tight jeans. It's sort of a 'protective posture' that may invite a casual look (or even a flat-out open stare,) but little more. That was the point I was trying to impress upon Lin. Covering herself by buttoning her blouse up to her neck, and wearing long skirts that dust the floor as she walks might look very pretty, but it sends the signal that she's not inviting anyone to look at her body beneath the clothes - only the clothes themselves.

I have to be honest here - we basically go to on-premise clubs to meet potential playmates. If someone gives us the impression that they're not interested in playing, we'll most likely pass them by. If they approach us, we'll certainly socialize - the same is true of a couple who has been sitting at the bar with their backs to the room. If they approach, then it's a different story.

We're always open to meeting people and getting to know someone - whether theres a possibility we're going to play later or not - but we're less likely to make the first move with them if we're not getting the correct signals. Wearing revealing clothing sends a subliminal invitation to look at and enjoy what is being displayed, for lack of a better word. Covering one's body from head to toe does just the opposite - at least to me, anyway. YMMV.

[JustAskJulie]

The obvious answer here is that if someone is approaching you that's a definite sign that THEY are approachable! Being out-going is probably the best sign of approachability there is.... and can overcome any other body language (sitting facing the bar, in a booth, wearing a burka) that may be presented.

[CXXC]

Mrs. CXXC just chimed in with, " A smile and eye contact are true signs approchability.