Name Dropping

[LickandPlay]

We are still “newbies” but a few weeks back we received an offer to attend a house party from someone who we had never met. As something like this caught our interest, we exchanged a few emails with the host. I asked the host of the party we were still thinking of attending to list the Swing Lifestyle screen names of the other potential invitees. I gave permission to use our name as well. At the time I asked this, I had a hunch I might be breaching The Swingers Code, but I wasn’t sure if I was, so I asked anyway. It has come to my attention that most here believe I did make an error in judgment by asking this. Before you flame me, have nothing further to do with me and forcibly send me off on a plane to Outer Mongolia, please give me the opportunity to explain why I believe this unwritten rule is unnecessarily frowned upon.

What difference can it make if the host reveals who is invited to a party?

Even if you go to a party not knowing ahead of time who is going to be there, you’re going to meet these people anyway when you get there. If you think dropping names is bad policy, I assume you’ve always had pleasant surprises in these situations.

If you’re concerned about being discreet, why have a profile on Swing Lifestyle that, unless you’ve made yourself invisible, is available for any free member to see any time regardless if your going to a particular party?

If you know who is invited ahead of time, their profile may spark some interest.

Knowing who is invited ahead of time may help in avoiding an awkward situation such as arriving at a party only to find out you are the only straight couple among bi couples. There’s a lot of incompatibility and preferences out there folks, be it age, body type etc.

If you know who is invited you have time to read their profile, accept the invite and decide whether you’d like to play with some of the guests. Or you may decline the offer because you decide it’s the night you usually stay home and delouse the cat.

When most Swing Lifestyle members make initial contact they say something like “We like your profile, check us out too” or “How about meeting over coffee or dinner and see if there’s compatibility”. Yet according to the Code of Conduct, people are expected to just show up at an event and play with whoever else gets invited.

If you know who is invited you can verify if they were invited and whether or not they plan to attend. You can make small talk about what their going to wear or bring to eat etc.and get to know one another a little. If every invitee was shooting emails to everybody else invited, it might build anticipation and there’d be fewer no-shows.

These are a few ideas that popped into my mind about this subject. Please just give me a few good reasons why you believe your profile that can be seen by accident by thousands, yet object to have it read on purpose by a handful of people. Well, I’ve put my Nomex suit on and I’m ready fer ya. Flame away! I only hope that someone in Outer Mongolia is wired to the Internet so I can respond.

[growgirl]

Well you can unzip your suit a little bit, it looks hot!

I guess I'm confused a little by this also. A pay-only site we belong to hosts monthly events at swing clubs in the mid-atlantic area. At all sponsored events there is a "guestlist" posted on the site.

Another example is when we were invited to a semi-regular local hotel party, I chatted a few times with the host and he gave me the screen names of the confirmed couples. It honestly made it easier for us to decide as we quickly discovered the majority of the couples that attended these parties were not going to be compatible with us.

At a house party where a couple that we have played with a few times was hosting, they told us who else they were inviting.

To me, it's just a screenname... it's not like they're saying growgirl and growguy gardener, 123 main street anytown is coming. When I do my searches, we don't look over 50-60 miles away. I assume many other couples do the same. So there's a wealth of couples that we just don't see. If I know ahead of time who is going to be at an event/party, it gives me a chance to just check those profiles out, and perhaps send a "looking forward to meeting you" email to pre-judge interest. Perhaps I'm being bigheaded, but I guess I just assume that everyone wants to at least meet me and wouldn't be offended getting a short, unpushy email from me expressing our interest first.

growgirl

The (only) house party we've been to so far was an invitation from someone we already knew. She sent an evite where the guest list was public. Once everyone RSVP'd, she emailed the screen names of everyone who was supposed to come so we could get 'aquainted' before the day.

I thought that was a good idea. It made me more comfortable.

[Spoomonkey]

Well - we don't attend house parties...

We've been invited, but checking out the host's webpage made us go buy a cat that we could delouse...

For me - I don't want my name dropped because I don't want to be the victim of association. The house party that we were invited to was one that was pretty much a single male slice of heaven. The sizeable wife had a real kink for condom-less single fellows who were allowed to climb on and cum in anything they wished to... This is simply not our type of gig...

Had we been published in a "guest list" to a party like that, I'm afraid people would read much more into it than they would simply stumbling across our profile. Does that make sense?

Spoomonkey

[Dr Jekyll]

Spoo makes a valid point, but on the flipside it's nice knowing something about the people you will meet. Add to this being able to tell beforehand if the party is one you'd like to attend in the first place because of the people who are possibly going to be there. So I'm leaning more towards giving out screen names (definitely not real names) in this case.

If people makes an association and excludes us from their circle of friends because of an invite, I'm pretty sure they're the ones losing out.

It's tough organising a house party and to bring together a number of guests that you're pretty sure will hit it off. Why not give the party that slightly larger chance of success?

[Just_us49]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Had we been published in a "guest list" to a party like that, I'm afraid people would read much more into it than they would simply stumbling across our profile. Does that make sense?Spoomonkey

I'm with you on this one. House parties by nature are small gatherings so you can't "absorb" so to speak into the crowd like you could a club setting. We would want to know who was going to be in attendance at a house party but wouldn't want the list spammed out to half the Swing Lifestyle folks in our area.

Probably for us we'd be more into a get together of folks we already know and have met. Then by some open and honest communication between likely couples you could get permission to circulate a small discreet list of folks that might be attending.

That would probably be based completley on how well the candidate couple knew and trusted you about things like being able to judge compatibilty, (looks and otherwise) discretion etc. that are similar to their tastes.

The old proverb is true, "birds of a feather flock together." Many times we'll shy away soley based on the hosts...most I think that would attend a small house party will be with folks similar to them. So in our estimation, if you've seen the host, you've seen the crowd.

Spoo's would be a dead give away since it would be held at the zoo!

-D

[northindycpl]

We don't attend house parties either. I think there is way too much pressure to have sex.

My basic belief is that it is not appropriate to publish a list of people going to the party. I wouldn't do it if I were throwing a vanilla party, or fundraiser, and certainly not a swingers party. Now, if we knew the people coming and they knew each other (which would be the only way I would throw a party anyway) then I would be comfortable answering questions from the other guests, if asked.

[NWARcouple]

In the past, we have accepted an invite for a private party in which the host coupe reserved a suite at a hotel in their home city. The initial email detailed the evening's itinerary... introductions and coctails at the suite, followed by dinner at a restaraunt. Afterwords, everyone was invited to return to the hotel if they were interested.

One thing that really made us feel comfortable with the situation was the way that the host couple organized the whole thing. In their first email, they not only provided an introduction, but an itenerary, and an idea their attitudes concerning the lifestyle. They also mentioned that if we were interested and available for that date, they would send us a list of all the couples that were invited and/or confirmed. So we knew up front that if we expressed an interest that other couples would have access to our profile, and that we would be able to check out their profiles as well. The host couple made a point to let us know that we were free to contact the other couples to get aquainted before the actual evening.

Out of 12 couples invited almost all of them contacted us in some way prior to the event... I believe 9 or 10 couples actually showed up... And, at least half of these couples lived more than 2 hours away! It was a fun evening, and gave us the chance to meet quite a few couples that otherwise we would not have met. Additionally, we think that giving all the couples the opportunity to email, chat, or whatever ensured a higher percentage of the couples would actually attend.

The only suggestion that I would offer to potential hosts is to make sure everyone knows beforehand if you are hoping to enable any level of group play... Let everyone know that it is a possibility, even if it seems obvious. I know that it can be somewhat of a sticky situation to try to express to people that there are no expectations or obligations, while at the same time preparing the couples for what they might see or encounter. We knew what we were getting into, so it wasn't a problem for us. In fact we thought it was rather obvious... However, there was another couple that didn't really understand that subtlety and were caught off guard.

I would think that in the future, we would be highly unlikely to accept an invitation to a private party (at a house or a hotel) unless a list of possible attendees was provided. However, we would not expect a list if we were going to a monthly social, a club, or any other established function.

[twoplayful2]

First, we definitely wouldn't start off with a new couple by going to their house party. We wouldn't go to any house party without at least previously knowing the couple who invited us. At that point, if we felt pretty comfortable with them and their description of the party, we'd consider going without necessarily worrying about getting names to check profiles.

We also probably wouldn't appreciate our screen name showing on the group invite, though having it on a list of those going seems pretty reasonable. If we agreed to go and the list is only distributed to others who agreed to go, what's the problem?

[JustAskJulie]

I don't have a problem with it if it is Usernames and not real names and it if is "confirmed" guests and not just a list of who they invited. Even "confirmed" guests may not show up, but at least they have stated they are interested in doing so, which is much different than just giving a list of everyone we invited. We could have invited the whole world, it doesn't mean we are showing up.

Personally, as I posted before, I would never go to a house party thrown by someone I didn't know unless I KNEW that someone I did know had already met said host and would be at said party.

It's a little too easy for some sleazy someone to throw a "swinger party" and mass mail every member of a swinger site to invite them.

We have attended two house parties given by the same couple. We had a blast at both of them. There was NO pressure at all to have sex, as a matter of fact there were two guys there I would have liked to get upstairs but was to nervous to ask, and I found out later that they both would have if I had only asked! I dont mind if our screen names are given. Its not like it is being broadcast live on TV or the radio, it is being given to others who are in this lifestyle, and could potentially become new friends!

[adventureUS2]

Go ahead and drop it adventurUs@Swing Lifestyle adventurUs2@swingers date club