When your parents find out...

[NandTfromCA]

...or your brothers, sisters, etc.

PARENTS:
My dad is soooooo freakin’ intuitive that he has already made 2 comments to us about being swingers. The first time, N was dropping of the girls at their house so we could have some friends over…and boink them. While she was doing the child hand-off, my dad said, “You guys sure go out a lot. What, are you swingers or something?” N just about shit her pants but feels she didn’t let it show much. She just kinda laughed it off and moved on with the conversation.

Then, the next day we were hanging out over there and my dad says, “You guys sure have a lot of friends, where do you meet them all? We need to do whatever your doing.” He then paused and transitioned into, “Did Nancy tell you what I said last night?”. I acted like I didn’t know what he meant (like since it was no big deal, she didn’t even tell me about it) so he reiterated what he said. I just said “Nice” and smiled.

Our goal is to lie as little as possible by telling as little as possible. If our parents ask directly, we have discussed our response being something like, “If someone were to do something like that, I’m not sure it would be something they would like to talk to their parents about”. Not a lie. Yes, they would still be suspicious.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS:
N is an only child so this is a non-issue for her. She has told several friends and they are all completely cool with it. She also has several friends that she is not as close to that will only find out if someone else tells them.

I am very close to both of my brothers and have told them. It was less because of their suspicion and more because of my immature side…I just had to tell them what a crazy, fun time we were having. Both say it sounds cool but they both also say it isn’t for them (I gave my married brother a HUGE disclaimer about the potential negative affects of swinging too).

We hadn’t told my sister until my brother called me one day saying, “B----- asked if you two are swingers.” N then had a conversation with sis (I was out of town on business) “M---- told us the question you have. Your suspicions are probably correct. Just to be clear though, we are very happy and very much in love with each other. Do you have any questions or concerns?” Her response- “Nope, good for you.”

The people that know us know how N and I adore, trust, and even lust each other. I think that helps them be more accepting of our “odd” interests. It may even be what makes peoples "swingdar" go off when they are around us.

Who else had stories of outing themselves, or being outed by family?

Mr.

[bear_and_babe]

We sort of outed ourselves to my step-mother. We were in a exclusive relationship for a while. We went out to dinner with my parents and our couple. Our couple knew that my parents did not know anything so we agreed to be on the up and up. Dinner went very well, we did not even sit close to our couple. A few weeks later I was on the phone with my step-mom and she asked how the other couple was doing. And just kept asking questions, wanting to know how well we know them and so on. Then she said "I know you are very close to them". I asked her how she knew and she said that everytime the guy looked at me his eyes lit up. BUSTED! But funny thing, she knew what an exclusive relationship was and how it worked and knew some other Lifestyle terms. She promised me that she would not tell my dad, and as far as I know, she has not. Sometimes I think she would like to go to the club with us. She seems to have questions about that.

I have 2 brothers. My older brother is a prude and I never want him to know. My younger brother has been in the Lifestyle for over 8 years, but never really came out and told me. But when we decided to get in the Lifestyle I knew we had to tell him because they go to the clubs and I did not want to run into him at a club. It works out that he goes to 1 club and I go to a different club.

[Couple_N_Ark]

We've not been "outed" by anyone, and as far as we know, no one knows about our secret life. We do suspect that some of our kids at least suspect what is going on.

Especially our 23 yr. old son (now married and out of the house)....we also have daughters 18 and 16. While no one has said anything I'm sure that at one time or another some of the kids have probably found sites (such as this site or Swing Lifestyle) in our browser history. We've always been very careful to clear our history but I'm sure we've not always done it. When our son was here we had 3 computers hooked up, and one laptop, so we were all on the internet often.

Our son is also very intuitive, and it just seems likely he probably put 2 & 2 together when we were going away for the evening, or on one of our 3 or 4 day trips to Nashville.

In regards to NandTfromCA mentioning that they had told several about their swinging activities....we would think that anytime you tell even one person then your secret is sure to get around. If you've told your siblings I'd bet that your parents also know.

Also if you've told any friends at all....I would bet others also know...unfortunately it has been proven that people don't keep secrets the way we think they do.

[Additude]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

Our goal is to lie as little as possible by telling as little as possible. If our parents ask directly, we have discussed our response being something like, “If someone were to do something like that, I’m not sure it would be something they would like to talk to their parents about”. Not a lie. Yes, they would still be suspicious.

How about, "Dad, no offense intended, but any aspect of what transpires in our bedroom concerning our personal sex life is not a subject issue we would care to discuss with our parents, as I am sure you would not care to discuss your sex life with us. Not that we would ever care to enquire".

I would also tell you to find a new babysitter and use that sitter 2 out of 3 times that you go out or have friends over.

Also remember that denial is not a lie. You have a personal life and you have your own family now and no one is privy to any personal information which you do not care to discuss or make public knowledge. So by denying that you are swingers to your parents you are just protecting your right to personal and private information. They have no need to know.

I used to have issues like this with my parents, from everything that I ate to what I bought, the clothes I wore to the house I lived in, the hours I worked, including what social life I had.

I just ended up having to disconnect. I moved to a new town an hours drive away, a long distance phone call. It helped a lot.

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by Couple_N_Ark

In regards to NandTfromCA mentioning that they had told several about their swinging activities....we would think that anytime you tell even one person then your secret is sure to get around. If you've told your siblings I'd bet that your parents also know.

Also if you've told any friends at all....I would bet others also know...unfortunately it has been proven that people don't keep secrets the way we think they do.

You are so correct. We aren't too concerned about it though. If someone hears it through the grapevine, and looks down on us because of that hearsay, so be it. I don't know if that is naive or strong, but we have always danced to the beat of our own drummer and found life so much easier when there isn't anything to hide with the people you care about. Eventually, I'm sure they will all know. Those we don’t care about (have a relationship with) are a different story.

Originally Posted by Additude

I used to have issues like this with my parents, from everything that I ate to what I bought, the clothes I wore to the house I lived in, the hours I worked, including what social life I had.

I just ended up having to disconnect. I moved to a new town an hours drive away, a long distance phone call. It helped a lot.

What a bummer. Luckily, we have a different relationship. They have even joked about the fact that N and I have always done things our own way, always having them turn out very well for us. (ie getting married at 20 when everyone was saying it was way too young, showing up to Sunday dinner with a tattoo that covers my upper arm and shoulder, “risky” investments we have made, etc). I don't think we would do anything that could really surprise them.

[WesternSwing]

My father-in-law knows. Mrs. WS told him last fall when a bunch of crap was going down at my previous employer when a subordinate accused me of sexual harassment after an evaluation that wasn't as good as she thought it should be. Mrs. WS was talking with her dad about it and told him in a "why would he harass her dumpy ass when he can have any woman he wants!" Well, there she was... oops. But, he's an aging hippie so he was more like "cool".

I think my dad knows because he had me scan a pic and post it to his profile on AFF after he got divorced from my step-mom a year ago or so. He has to have come across our profile on there (although we recently took it down because you only need profiles on so many sites). If he does know he isn't saying anything. He'd be okay with it though since my step-brother and his wife brought their girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner one year. And I know he and my mom had an open relationship.

Mr. WS

[intuition897]

Man, I wish we could just tell them all. Partly because I just love to shock people and rattle their prudish sensibilities! lol I know that's not very nice. The other reason is that I hate having to tippy-toe around the subject like we're doing something wrong! I'm not ashamed of it in the least. I think it's really cool.

Mr. intuition, shortly after our first encounter, just HAD to tell someone so he told my brother-in-law, swearing him to secrecy. He said, "Gee, I wish I could get S to go to one of those clubs..." Mr. said, whatever you do, don't try to tell her about it yourself; tell her to come and ask Mrs. intuition about it. Well, of course, when the little head starts to do the thinking, it's hard to get him to stop. So he goes and tells my sister. We assume. I say we assume, because although no one actually came right out and confronted us, we were out with them somewhere sometime shortly after this and my sister made a comment about, "Yeah, well, [Mrs. intuition]'s idea of fun isn't the same as MY idea of fun. :rollseyes " During the moment of awkward silence that followed, Mr. intuition shot the BIL a dirty look that just said, "You idiot!"

My mother-in-law - and her now husband - also know. She used to live in our basement apartment and felt that she needed to know that coming upstairs to visit while we sometimes had "friends" over was NOT a good idea. We explained it very simply, albeit a little awkwardly. She thought we were kidding. When we said, no, we're quite serious, she beat a pretty hasty retreat. When she came back later on, she asked a few questions, among which was, "Why don't you just have affairs??"
Uh....hellOOO? Because that is hurtful? And this is not? :rollseyes She still thinks we're nuts. We also explained that it could mean our jobs if she told anyone, but I think she did tell her fiance (now husband). We were going out to dinner with another couple and he had this big ole' shit-eating grin on his face as he told us to have a good time. Yeah. Will do. Wonder who else the MIL told...

[jennandjamesinm]

We are out to my family. I have a sister that is openly bisexual, so that sort of paved the way for us not to mention that growing up, my siblings and I were always encouraged to talk about sex. My mother even bought condoms for a friend of mine on his birthday.

We didn't come out and tell my mother, she used to live with us and the computers are in the living room. Well finally after seeing Swingersboard a few times, she asked me, "Are you and James doing something kinky?" We had a short discussion without detail and have pretty much left it at that. Even though she was always open about sex with us, she still has alot of those prudish Catholic values and has a bit of a difficult time understanding why we choose to swing.

Now my sister likes to out us on a regular basis LOL. We were at a fun party and she outed me to all of the girls there. But it did get some good conversation going, I got to be the Ambassador of Swing

I think that if my father was still alive, I think that he would have been cool about the whole thing. We talked about everything and anything, no topic was off limits. He was my best friend for many years.

Although we are out to my family, we still understand others need for being discreet.

[sereneiders]

It was not with our parents, but I believe the example fits.

We have this couple, very friends of us from a vanilla scenario. They have this cool pub in the neighborhood, we start going and hanging there before we started swinging. At a pub we both like to sit at the bar instead of a table, talk with the barman and the regulars, this have some "magic", and they were the guys behind the bar. We bacame close friends, like going to their place for dinner or vice versa. Before we starting swinging they told us they had a couple of affairs with other women... they should have some sort of "swingdar crystall ball", because they teased us several times, we laughed and that was all. When we started swinging we realized these guys were up for more than teasing. We discussed this with my mife and concluded that we didn't wanted to swing with old vanilla friends, and that we were not sexually atracted by this couple no matter how coold they were in other aspects. Moreover, we had a polyamoral relationship with a woman who knew the pub because of us and ended up being a waitress there, so the three of us were at the same place in front of them, altough behaving properly as good vanilla friends.

But it reached a day when I was alone with the other guy, helping him close the bar, and this guy suddenly ask me about this other woman, what happend between us three, that she told them something happend. -What did she said?. -Well... i cannot tell, but I know and I want you to tell me. He was pulling my tonge and I refused, but since he was already playing the game, he made me an open proposal, telling me he was sure we were swingers, and they liked us, and we could try, and... well, you know.

I tould him "We didn't told you we're swingers so far, and we have enough confidence to tell you, so if we didn't told you it is either because we're not swingers, or because actually we swing but didn't wanted you to know to avoid rejecting you two, or because we're affraid to spoil a friendship because of a mistake. Now, pick the answer you like the most, because so far it seems to me you'll be reluctanct to believe me if I were tellong you we don't swing".

We're still friends, from time to time the guy gives me a "come on" smile because of some comment or attitude we have, but they never asked again.

I think there is way where you don't have to lie about this, nor hide it, but to turn the tables and leave the guy in front of you with a problem should he/she dare to keep asking, because there's always somemething that they DOES NOT want to know, and it is a matter of figuring out what they doesn't want to know and making them face the fact that by asking, they may finally know that something.

"Hey dad, let's suppose we swing... why do you want to know? Are you planning to hang out with our friends and join us in an orgy, perhaps criticize our sexual technics? Would you like to watch us two alone in bed and tell us why we're failing to please each other so badly to made us swing? Now let's suppose we don't swing, I don't know if I like the implications of what you think about my spouse being in a bed with other people, but you'd realize we may feel offended. Would you like to offend us? In any case, unless coming to our bed, there's no way for you to know for sure. You're my dad, it is obvious that I will tell you we don't swing even when we were swinging, so I'd rater not answer and let you decide what we do, and what do you want to ask us to know about it."

[EvilMJ]

My sister has asked me a LOT of questions about what dances we are going to, where are the parties....etc. She may suspect but she has never asked. My parents of course are oblivious. My mom lives in the world that if she doesn't see something, then it just doesn't exist.

I love my parents, they are wonderful people, but they would never be able to handel this information. Best they remain in the dark.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

My sister has asked me a LOT of questions about what dances we are going to, where are the parties....etc. She may suspect but she has never asked. My parents of course are oblivious. My mom lives in the world that if she doesn't see something, then it just doesn't exist.

I love my parents, they are wonderful people, but they would never be able to handel this information. Best they remain in the dark.

MJ, this is the same as my Mom. I love my parents to pieces, but it's always been an unspoken understanding that they don't wanna know, and I don't wanna tell. About ANYthing sexual! It's only been in recent years, now that I'm a fully grown woman, who, obviously, has had sex at least twice because I have two children, that she has allowed sex into our general conversation. Some things she's said I don't want to know, however mild they might be! Must be all those years of having that part of ourselves comfortably closed off. Now she wants to break the seal on the door and open it up a crack. It's always been a bit of a mystery, my parents' sex life, and I think I liked it that way. Although, another part of me thinks it's a great thing for her and I to be able to finally - finally! - discuss sex as though it's a normal part of living life. I don't know if she's ever had anyone to really talk to about this sort of thing.

EDIT>> And Sereneiders, I meant to mention that I really like your approach to being grilled about your sexual habits. Turn the tables, take charge of the conversation, and point out how inappropriate it is for someone to ask that. Nicely done!

[MrXxotic]

My brother and his wife know. They found out when I mistakenly sent them an email intended for a friend of mine that we play with on occasion. 99% of the email he and I exchange are vanilla and related to hockey but this one just happened to be our plans for our annual Thrashers/Rockies game and play time after. My SIL has mentioned it a couple of times but we have managed to not provide any details.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by intuition897

My mother-in-law - and her now husband - also know. She used to live in our basement apartment and felt that she needed to know that coming upstairs to visit while we sometimes had "friends" over was NOT a good idea. We explained it very simply, albeit a little awkwardly. She thought we were kidding. When we said, no, we're quite serious, she beat a pretty hasty retreat. When she came back later on, she asked a few questions, among which was, "Why don't you just have affairs??"
Uh....hellOOO? Because that is hurtful? And this is not? :rollseyes She still thinks we're nuts.

It constantly boggles me how the vanilla mind sees affairs as being more "moral" then swinging.

Mr. WS

[WonderWhat]

Mrs. W's cousin and his friends know; My MIL and her sisters suspect; her uncle's wife knows; my side of the family is in the dark, which is for the best.

About four months ago, when I went on a business trip, Mrs. went to her cousin's house where he was having a party with close friends. She sat and talked with a female friend of her cousin, who happened to be a candidate for a FMF that Mrs. W and I had set our sights on. She segued the conversation towards swinging. So, just as she was telling her that we are swingers, the music stopped, and everybody at the party just turned around, stared, and exclaimed "Cooool!". They were totally for the idea, and have been very discreet about it.

BTW, the cousin's birthday was about two weeks afterwards, when we popped the question to the friend, and she heartily, lustily agreed facelick, but it hasn't happened yet: Mrs. W had a tummy tuck a month and a half ago, so it will be some time in about another month and a half.