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cplnluv1

Meeting a Business Associate

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I have posted some past experiences. We have met only 2 couples, the first we rushed into, and they were young and the other we have met a number of times an I posted last week that it is becoming routine and he always finishes with anal which is not my favorite thing. My husband Alan reads my posts and asked me if I would want to meet a business associate of his. At first I got mad because that means he discusses our private lives with people I don't know. He said it was the other man who was telling him things and wanted to know if we would be interested. What do you men discuss in your business life? I really wanted to keep our life private and was uneasy about letting someone my husband deals with "know". Alan then went into the convincing mode. He's a great guy and good looking and funny and what he remembers his wife is very attractive. I also didn't want to meet and hardcore swingers. I am nervous more and more because we have kids and want to be around for them. The couple we have been seeing we haven't been too safe with and I think they are safe, but if we were to meet someone who does this all the time I am nervous. Alan convinced me to meet his friend and we went to dinner and they were what Alan said, very nice people. I was more thinking why would they want us. They seemed very down to earth and as Alan said funny and enjoyable. Of course the talk turned to sex and we told them that we were new to this and joked about our experiences. Then the time came to decide if we wanted to go back to their place. Which we did....I am still concerned that we met someone in Alan's business.

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Everyone has to determine their own comfort level in swinging. But for us, playing with coworkers or others directly related to our jobs would be beyond our comfort zone. There's just too much that can go wrong there.

 

Also, I honestly don't see the difference between your husband initiating talking with this guy, or the guy initiating it with him. What makes a difference who brought it up first? Either way, it's a breakdown in discretion.

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Have you talked to your husband about how and why this situation makes you uncomfortable? Has your husband considered the possible repercussions of playing with a business associate? For example, what if there is a negative situation from playing with them, would the business associate retaliate in terms of spreading rumors about your husband that could lead to him being fired from his job? What about the possibility of this associate (or other future business associates if your husband continues to talk to others about swinging) using this information to blackmail your husband into doing extra work or work that is out of his job description?

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I completely agree with the above responses. I make it a point to never mix business with pleasure. Far too messy and complicated. Aside from that, I wondered about your statement about not wanting to meet "hardcore swingers." I don't understand your thoughts on this, as most seasoned swingers are far more conscience of the rules and social etiquette. I'm also concerned that you are playing with people that you are assuming are safe but are not sure. If it were me, I would backtrack quite a bit and take stock in where you are, what you want from the experience and reestablish what your rules are. Have an open, honest talk with your husband.

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What do you men discuss in your business life? I am still concerned that we met someone in Alan's business.

 

Not that and I would be concerned too. A somewhat similiar situation in meeting the owners of a restaurant we frequently patronize. Surprisingly it was the wife that kept joking? she should take me to the washroom and give me a BJ or all 4 of us should go or my wife should take her hubby to the washroom...(makes me wonder what signals we give off). We just kept blowing it off. When I was there by myself one day she started again and I just looked at her when she mentioned my wife doing it and coldly said" I don't know you'll have to talk that out with her yourself" She finally shut up.

 

To me it's just like friends. I/we made that mistake once and it blew up so never again. As a side note her hubby died a few months later from cancer and I always wonder if maybe they were trying to fill a bucket list???

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I think it's safe to assume that the business associate has the same desire to be discreet as you do. I think what concerns you is that if this guy brought it up with your husband, who else is he bringing it up to? What is he telling them about you? How slutty is he and what is he going to give you?

 

Being in the LS is very rarely public information. It is an ammo dump of gossip which is never wanted.

 

It seems to me that most swingers, unless there is access to a good club have much less sex than they would like to. Even if you are super hot and magnetic, getting 4 people together for sex is never that easy.

 

How it was brought up, would be an interesting story to know. I would bet there were subtle hints and innuendos passed back and forth. The type that would go unnoticed by vanilla. You asked what do we men talk about with associates. Well, constant close contact will create relationships. These relationships will vary depending on the chemistry of the the men. Usually it is strictly friendly platonic. We find common ground and when there is time to talk about whatever, we stick to these subjects. I think that is a reason sports are so popular. No one wants to talk about the great jack off session they had last night. (or hear about it) Sex is a subject that is approached so subtly that it is difficult to notice it unless in tune to that. If that is a common ground, it can be discussed at great lengths. Usually with some level of trust. Both parties are taking a risk opening up.

 

When I read your post, my first thought was omg, there is a perfect fit and it is going to go up in smoke. Usually things that are too good to be true, are. Sometimes really cool things happen and we over think them away.

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After the responses I am getting, it got me worried, I have to admit. We are still so new to this and maybe we aren't being that smart. What is worse, meeting someone on-line or meeting someone Alan knows in business? Maybe we shouldn't have met a business associate. There is so much to worry about in everything we do. I did ask Alan how this all came up. He said the other guy brought up where they were going on vacation. Hedonism. Alan knew about Hedonism. Even I know about Hedonism. His friend then asked if he wanted to go with them. Of course he said no but he the kept asking questions and Alan said he became a little stupid and admitted we had just met a couple blah blah blah. Then the guy showed him some pictures and who knows what they joked about. So that's how Alan said the conversation went. Am I upset with Alan? I can't be. We are both learning more and more about this.

 

Hippiegirlie, I didn't mean anything wrong about being hardcore. It is just that we are relatively new and not as you say, seasoned. No we don't know that much about the couple we have been meeting, other than they were as nervous as us. I hope that they are safe because....well because.

 

The experience with the new couple was different than what we have been doing. I say that in a good way. One of the reasons we met them was because though the other couple we met are great, our routine was becoming routine. On a personal note, Alan and I are not big into missionary, but I found a new position for us...missionary. Is that TMI? Also we played safe this time, something neither of us like because of sensation. I know I am naive to think that oral uncovered is safe.

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What is worse, meeting someone on-line or meeting someone Alan knows in business?

 

Worse in what way? If the answer is discretion, then without question, someone Alan knows in business. People you meet online only know what you allow them to know, but when you start drawing from outside your swinger persona, then those already know probably more than you like.

 

I did ask Alan how this all came up. He said the other guy brought up where they were going on vacation. Hedonism. Alan knew about Hedonism. Even I know about Hedonism. His friend then asked if he wanted to go with them. Of course he said no but he the kept asking questions and Alan said he became a little stupid and admitted we had just met a couple blah blah blah.

 

Like I've said, everyone has their own comfort level, but red flag here for me. If this guy is talking the talk to one business associate in Alan, then he is likely doing the same with others. Chances are absolutely nothing will ever come from it, but sometimes the best lessons are the ones that seem scary for just a little bit. Like anything, swinging carries some element of risk. You just decide what you can do to minimize it to a level acceptable to you, and then proceed on knowing the you have thought about the risks, have a plan to deal them, and are ok with that.

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Hippiegirlie, I didn't mean anything wrong about being hardcore. It is just that we are relatively new and not as you say, seasoned. No we don't know that much about the couple we have been meeting, other than they were as nervous as us. I hope that they are safe because....well because.

 

 

Hippiegirlie said some great things already about seasoned swingers but I'd like to expand just a little bit on it. For newbies, I think it seems natural to want to gravitate to other newbies. You think, "Hey, we don't know what we're doing. They don't know what they're doing. No one will be pushy. We'll just figure it out as we go." However, that's the problem. There's so much unknown going on in this little group that it's "the blind leading the blind", as it has been said before. For newbies who might not have done any research, you may not have thought about playing safe with condoms and play bareback instead. With an entire group of newbies, you don't know if anyone or everyone will have jealous feelings and things can end up as a dramafest. Newbies may not know how to diplomatically stop playtime if there is something wrong. With "seasoned swingers", the risk of all of these situations happening decrease. Are all newbies clueless? No. Are all seasoned swingers perfect? No. But if you find yourself consistently having a bad or risky experiences, you may want to consider a change in who you pick as playmates or look to see if you are the root of the problem.

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Yes we did gravitate to newbies thinking we are in the same boat. It was funny and yes a little nervousness at first. It was our second couple, their first. Her first time with a woman. There was some jealousy, me watching my husband kissing made me jealous. I got past that. Did we make a mistake doing it with no protection? I pray we didn't. Are we stupid thinking it is okay to do? Stupid and risky. We should know better.

We are also guilty of a discretion mistake. We discussed the young couple we first met, and showed pictures, to our new friends. We also invited the first couple to join us for a mini party. Also a mistake. Learned three couples is not a good idea. We are learning.

Now we met a "seasoned" couple and they know my husband through business. This is another discretion mistake. We did learn from them. Maybe we jumped into this too fast too but it was a great time. And this time we played safe. I know Alan was not happy wearing protection but we both know we should be careful.

I do want to say that the couple who is seasoned seems like a perfect couple. My fantasy couple that I thought was only in porn.

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I believe in the saying of 7 degrees of separation. In fact I believe with the internet it is shorter than that. I use to freak thinking what if. The truth is most swingers are like you and I and would be horribly embarrassed if their swinging came out in public life. I can say that almost all swingers do not kiss and tell out side of their circles and know this unwritten code.

 

I will say this.. trust your inner voice and go with what feels right to you. " To thine own self be true." Compromises on what feels good to you can produce two general results in my swinging life. One is I end up regretting what happened and the other is I gained a new experience and liked it. The more I swing the more we push our comfort zone on what we like and who we play with. I have only had a couple of bad experiences. Waiting for your husband to recruit new partners is ok..but you will have more fun and feel confident if you choose your playmates. Women are the ones that steer the swinging ship.

 

 

Remember if you are not having fun you are doing it wrong.

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I do want to say that the couple who is seasoned seems like a perfect couple. My fantasy couple that I thought was only in porn.

 

Ok, I seriously hope this was meant lightheartedly. PLEASE do not make the mistake of thinking that swinging in real life will be anything like what you would see in porn.

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Ok, I seriously hope this was meant lightheartedly. PLEASE do not make the mistake of thinking that swinging in real life will be anything like what you would see in porn.

 

What I meant was they were my picture of a swinging couple or what I hoped I would meet to a degree. They are only the third couple we met. Physically the best even though her boobs were not natural. We are not Barbie and Ken. I look in the mirror and see a small breasted wide hipped woman. I think I am okay looking. Alan has gained some weight but to me is still handsome. The couple we have been playing with is fine. He is tall and thin, she is meatier than me. Average looking, but sweet. I like them as friends. The couple we just met seems to me as a successful well kept couple. He is in great shape and toned. She looks like she works out and has the implants to add. I would never do implants but to each their own. It was also the first time that I wasn't "putting on a show" with the other woman. Part of us getting into this was the excitement for both Alan and me of me being with a woman.

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We have now been invited to a party by my husband's business associate. After reading all the responses about meeting them in the first place being a bad idea, I am wondering if this is stupid. We are still talking about it. Neither of us have done a party. Alan is excited but wondering if he will be the ugly guy nobody will want to be with. I told him he is crazy. As I wrote the couple who invited us are really in shape. I told Alan they wouldn't have invited us if they thought we wouldn't fit in. He said it was because of me we were invited. Then I said what if people he knows were also invited. Well really they would be there and be in the same position as we are. We both think it's exciting but Alan said he is nervous about only able to do it two times maybe three. I said most guys can't do any more and he has never had a problem. Then he asked what if all the men want me. I told him I doubt that but we can always leave if either of us get overwhelmed.

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The notion of crossing business with swing gives me a very uncomfortable feeling. I'm not surprised that it makes you uncomfortable as well. I don't believe you have to give any of this other stuff any thought.

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cplnluv1, this is my opinion and you're free to dismiss it but I think the newness of swinging and being swingers is clouding you (and your husband's) ability to think of this and previous situations in a clear and logical manner. Unfortunately, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. It's easy to fall into this trap when you're new. You feel like you may never get this opportunity again and forge ahead, even if it makes you uncomfortable or the alarms in your head are going off. You're too afraid of missing out on something new and shiny to say no. What you will eventually learn is that some opportunities will come again in the future. And some, like this one where it is connected to your employment, might be better to never see again.

 

From your update, it sounds like even though you may have reservations about attending this party with your husband's business associate, you both have already made up your minds to attend. Is there a possibility that nothing bad will come out? Sure. Is there a possibility that something bad will happen from it...sooner or later? Yes. For some people, even the possibility of it negatively impacting your home life or employment life is enough to make them run away from this situation.

 

Which ever way you two go, I hope you come back to update us on the situation.

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We talked this over again last night. Of course the talking always lead to fun. We think we are going to go to the party. We know the saying never mix business with pleasure but the more we talked the more excited we both got. We don't really know what to expect because what we know about these parties we only know from reading on here, and maybe porn which we know isn't real. It's not a playboy mansion party. Not everyone is going to be great looking, we were invited. Alan asked me how many men I think I will be with. I had to explain that I hope not that many because it can get painful and he knows that. He asked me if I have any restraints for him. I told him he can't have any men...lol. He asked me if I would do this or that and I told him I think he has watched too much porn. We really don't know what to expect. Even grooming came up. Easy for me, less easy for him. Told him he should just trim and maybe shave his sac. Alan also has this hairy spot below his sac. I told him to buy a box of condoms and he said he is sure that there will be condoms there. What else should we bring? I am excited and nervous. Alan is nervous about performance though he never has a problem. We have agreed to stay close to each other which is part of our fun.

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If you insist upon doing this this, then please go with no expectations other than having a fun night out together. I understand that thinking and talking about the what-ifs when it comes to playtime is fun and exciting, but going with a list of set expectations is a sure recipe for disappointment. Swinging if funny too, the harder you try to make it happen, the less likely it is to happen in a good way.

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I told him to buy a box of condoms and he said he is sure that there will be condoms there.

Never, never, never take anything for granted. Bring your own condoms.

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If you insist upon doing this this, then please go with no expectations other than having a fun night out together. I understand that thinking and talking about the what-ifs when it comes to playtime is fun and exciting, but going with a list of set expectations is a sure recipe for disappointment. Swinging if funny too, the harder you try to make it happen, the less likely it is to happen in a good way.

 

We will probably go and will expect that fun night. If nothing happens more than meeting fun people we are fine, and if we don't like what we see we can always leave. We aren't even sure how many couples will be there and where or how things will happen. We have been to their house and we know there is a pool and hot tub, but it is someones house and I am not sure how their neighbors are or how private the back yard is. I can say that neither of us will be the ones starting anything. Maybe we will be asked to join or maybe we will be the wallflowers.

And, yes we are bringing our own condoms.

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I have been reading all the Linda has been writing and your advise. We had a good time and all of doubts were for nothing. We met a bunch of great people. Thank you. Happy Independence Day.

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I have been reading all the Linda has been writing and your advise. We had a good time and all of doubts were for nothing. We met a bunch of great people. Thank you. Happy Independence Day.

 

The advice was for areas that are prone to developing problems. Note the word developing. One session while everyone is on their best behaviour isn't an indication. It's when things start running off the track that all of a sudden those "connections" become ballast that's sinking your ship.

 

You don't swing with friends, family, co-workers or business associates. That is long term advice from experienced swingers not the "la la we had a good time" of newbies.

 

Why take the risk of having your life blown apart (as has happened so often)(read the threads) when there are swingers out there you have no other connection with than the desire to have sex.

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You don't swing with friends, family, co-workers or business associates. That is long term advice from experienced swingers not the "la la we had a good time" of newbies.

 

Why take the risk of having your life blown apart (as has happened so often)(read the threads) when there are swingers out there you have no other connection with than the desire to have sex.

 

Now that you already met a business associate, let me say we did as well. It hasn't turned into a disaster but like others have said, there are others out there, why take the chance. We met one of Mike's business friends. At the time it was not even a thought that it could be a problem but business changes and things can be uncomfortable. Mike no longer does business with them and when they see each other there is some tension. Luckily no one has outed any one, we don't think. I know you are still new to this and maybe it was just an easy way to find someone to play with. Just wondering, were there other business people at the party? Did you think about that before going?

 

Swinging with friends is another story. I think many people start the experience with someone they are friends with and hopefully some of the people you meet can become friends.

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How prophetic this whole thread turned out to be....last night I LOST $7,000.:angry:

 

I discovered a company I had been doing business with for the last 7 years failed to process an order correctly (computer glitch) and by the time the smoke clears I'll be out around 7k. They have been the most reliable company I have EVER found in their field and I trusted them implicitly. Nevertheless the dance has now started...oh computer glitch....oh we're not responsible....I now have the choice of passing on it and letting them off or taking them to court.

 

Now just simply add in how I'd be feeling about the coming fight and possible court action if I had been swinging with them and worrying about being outed for revenge.:(

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To start, neither my husband nor the the couple own companies. They are both employees. The party was certainly different than either of us thought it would be or maybe more than we thought it would be. There way more people than we thought. Alan and I were at first overwhelmed. We felt we were the outsiders at first but everyone was very friendly and before we knew it we weren't outsiders. Maybe I am getting older, some of the things that were there I should have known would be there. Things were offered to me that I just forgot happen a lot. Part "goods" that maybe 20 years ago I may have done.

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I sense that you are getting a bit defensive about the decision to go to the party. I don't want you to feel like you have to justify your actions to anyone here. In the end, you and your husband have to make your own decisions about what is right for you both. I'm sure there have been countless times when crossovers between vanilla life and swing life have worked. We all come here to the Board to get objective outside opinions on things going on in our lives that we might not get from anyone else. We share our experiences, good and bad, to connect and to assist. My own personal choice is not to mix business with personal life because I have witnessed the devastation it can cause in a professional light. Even if you look at monogamous relationships that are work related, they are often problematic. This is MY choice. My choice also happens to be one of being single female who is bisexual and swings. To some people, even on this site perhaps, my opinion wouldn't mean a hill of beans because I'm not part of a swinging couple, and I wouldn't even be considered a "swinger." Everyone is different and everyone's experience is different. That's the beautiful thing about sharing here. You came to share an experience with other like-minded people and asked for opinions. You got very sound opinions but in the end, you have to make your own way.

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I want to thank everyone who has given advise. Neither of us are trying to be defensive. We both appreciate all of the advise. We look for advise. It is a reason we are posting on here. I wish we had all the answers but as you can see we don't. We have made some really silly mistakes while rushing into this. Our first mistake was meeting the first couple we met. Our meeting was based strictly on appearance. We had nothing in common with them and my Adonis was a bust in other departments. But every mistake has its silver lining, we did what we only talked about doing before them. It opened a new chapter. Then we met another couple, who we like, and we invited the first couple to join us again in a 3 couple party. Another mistake. But we are learning. Now this, meeting a business friend. Will it turn out to be a mistake? We hope not. Many of you say it is. Alan now told me he saw someone at the party he knows, but not well. He said he didn't know if the other man saw him. With the truth of 6 degrees, odds were that we were going to know someone or know someone who knows someone.

We post on here looking for advise because we don't want to make mistakes. We discuss the advise and then make up our minds what to do. Talking is part of our excitement as well. We value all opinions and we know the saying about opinions, everyone has one.

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There are as many variables in this as there are opinions here. One person associates the question with the 10 person company for which they work. The next person may see it quite differently because he works at a much larger company. We met a couple at a bar vacationing in Florida. Over two weeks, we saw them there or four times, danced on the same dance floor together and the 2nd time that we sat next to them at the bar, we ended up all four at our hotel room. Afterwards, we found out that the two guys both worked for the same company, one at an office in the midwest and the other in New York. Were they business associates. Here, the guys have a thing where five or six of them rotate hosting college football games. Its really the wife who hosts. Once three of us ladies surprised them by dressing up like sexy cheerleaders. That evolved into a thing where the hosting wife just dresses very sexually, short shorts or bra less tight t-shirt or push-up bra and short skirt, whatever. Two pairs of guys are business associates. No swinging, just being sexy. It all works.

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Alan's association with the other guy is that they are in the same business.

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