A Piece of the action?

[JanetAndBrad]

As most of you know by now, Brad and I went and met some fellow board members in Windsor for dinner and a visit to our first club. We enjoyed dinner and had a chance to get to know a little about each other.

The club was invigorating. The beach scene gave everyone some immediate eye candy. As the evening progressed, I saw some mixing up of partners, even among our own group. My own beloved even managed to dance with someone other than me. I had hoped that I might have been able to dance with someone other than my mate.

Being new to swinging and clubs, am I missing something here or do I not remember how to attract a man without acting like I’m easy? My beloved thinks part of the problem might have been that we both kind of clung to each other during the first part of the club experience. Brad just wants to make sure I have a good time and is willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.

I also know that since we were new to the club, that meeting some of the regulars might be hard, but it didn’t stop me from getting a good look. I had hoped that maybe one of the gentlemen we were there with might ask me to dance, but didn’t work out for that to happen. Now Brad states that both the lovely ladies he danced with asked him to dance. He further theorizes that this is because the men don’t want to come off as being too aggressive or pushy. Being from the old school, I can’t ever remember asking a man to dance before. Brad thinks that it’s the women who initiate contact with the men. Is this how is works or can it be done with just a little old fashioned flirting and eye contact? I personally would have loved a little flirting and fondling on the dance floor but I seem to be unable to achieve even that at this time. I tend to be somewhat shy in social situations until I get to know folks a little. I’d like to join the fun, but am not quite sure how to proceed. I want to present myself as I am and not like some piece of meat looking to be sold.

The one improvement I can say that I feel comfortable in making at this time is a change in my attire for the evening. While what I wore that evening was the most “showy” outfit I had worn in years, I can see by observation of other women that I need to enhance the positive aspects of my figure. You can bet I will show my “good “ aspects to the fullest advantage the next time I go to a club.

I think for now I prefer the off premise atmosphere, tho have never been to an on premise one. I like the idea of getting to know someone first and progressing from there. The Windsor club even had a place where a little sampling of the wares was done. All in all it was a learning experience and I enjoyed it very much.

I would welcome any thoughts or suggestions on this topic. I do want to play but need to work up slowly.

Janet

[Dani&Drew]

Can I do it retroactively?

I was terrified the whole time we were there. I was so nervous I could barely eat beforehand, had to be forceably dragged onto the dance floor, and during the small amount of playing I did was sure I was about to get clocked.

I'm just figuring the shyness will go away as I get comfortable with what's going on. AT least I'm hoping so. I know we're planning to hit some more off-premises clubs, if just to have fun with each other (and let her dance and play with some women)

Any playing I saw was initiated by the women I think. I could be wrong. Pay no attention to me

[OhioCouple]

I think there are several factors at work here. Having been to four different clubs for a total of about 10-12 times, there is one thing that I have noticed which seems pretty consistant. (These are all on-premise clubs).

I think that men in general wait for the ladies to make the first move, out of respect for the "No means No", respect for the ladies in general and their husbands/mates. I believe the men do not want to be perceived as the aggressors in a swinging type environment as so much negativity is associated with the 'single male' syndrome, therefore the women have to initiate. Swinging situations are not like your typical nightclub. Swingers know where the evening might end as opposed to your typical nightclub goers only hope that it will. This does not mean that dancing with someone or getting touch feely will lead to sex, but there is that fine line and I think the guys don't want to be the first to cross it.

For instance there is a couple (which was our first) that enjoy the club environment. They are the only reason that we go to them. We have attended clubs with them on many occasions and while we have been intimate with them (sexually), both my husband and the other husband are very reluctant to initiate any public display of affection. (Keep in mind that we already know these guys from head to toe...unclothed). I asked my husband about this and he shrugged his shoulders and just said "I don't know, I guess we just wait until you girls are ready to cut loose." That was the best answer I could get out of him.

These are the same guys that will cut loose, once we ask them to, but in the same respect they are honed in on anyone which in their eyes are being disrespectful to other ladies. (This goes back to the night that we attended a club in which single males were allowed in. Grrrrr.....)

I also think it has something to do with role reversal. Women feel special, when asked to dance by men in a normal setting, all the while they are risking rejection. When a lady asks a man to dance in a swinging club scene, it makes 'them' feel special. It is also a compliment to the man himself in such a way that he knows he has conducted himself in a gentlemanly manner and the other husband is cool with this as the wife has given the go ahead signal. (Still not meaning that it leads to sex, just that you are comfortable with the other male.)

I'll be interested to hear the guys take on this.

Great post, Janet.

[naughty A]

Hi Janet

This particular club is a little different from others I have attended... Women play a MUCH more active role than in any other club I have gone to in the past... I think it is fun. It also allows for a lot more bi-fem action than other clubs I've been in...

how to attract a man without acting like I’m easy?

ACT EASY! flirting isn't EASY, its flirting... just because you strike up a conversation... or tell someone you like his shirt or even go so far as to ask him to dance doesn't mean you are EASY it just means you MIGHT be interested in getting to know him better ... Slow dancing also provides a means to have a conversation... not just grope and feel on the dance floor...although...

[EternallySingle]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
I think that men in general wait for the ladies to make the first move, out of respect for the "No means No", respect for the ladies in general and their husbands/mates. I believe the men do not want to be perceived as the aggressors in a swinging type environment as so much negativity is associated with the 'single male' syndrome, therefore the women have to initiate. Swinging situations are not like your typical nightclub. Swingers know where the evening might end as opposed to your typical nightclub goers only hope that it will. This does not mean that dancing with someone or getting touch feely will lead to sex, but there is that fine line and I think the guys don't want to be the first to cross it.
...

These are the same guys that will cut loose, once we ask them
to, but in the same respect they are honed in on anyone which in their eyes are being disrespectful to other ladies. (This goes back to the night that we attended a club in which single males were allowed in. Grrrrr.....)

This is the reason it is so hard when you are first starting in the lifestyle, either as a new couple or as a single. Without being right next to a person, if a guys goes up to a woman and gets the brush off, its easy to assume he did something wrong and not that the woman just wasn't interested. With couples its worse, because the wife/girlfriend probably isn't well versed in handling outright rejection and doesn't have the years of experience needed to say "oh, well. Who's next?" and keep a positive attitude. That takes practice, especially if the woman doesn't want to appear "slutty".

Then again, isn't part of the reason you would go to clubs is that people wouldn't think you are slutty? I'm a guy, I wouldn't know about being embarrassed about being called a slut.

[Alura]

Well, we're not club-goers so anything on my part will be speculation, but I'd be reluctant to ask a woman to dance at a club unless we had been talking for some time. I agree that men, (at least I) would not want to give a woman the idea that I was being too aggressive. If you were sitting with a group of people, I'd also be reluctant to ask because I wouldn't want to "crash your party." There're also past experiences in which women have actually laughed out loud because of my short stature, when I asked them to dance. In those cases, I was glad to be turned down.

We all have our doubts of our attractiveness in certain situations and I would imagine those doubts would be multiplied in a swing club.

Body language may also have something to do with it. If we doubt ourselves and feel uncomfortable, we often cross our arms over our chests which is telling the world "I'm withdrawing into myself." I'm not saying you did this, Janet, but one has to rely on body language a lot in group situations.

Okay, so I admit I have no idea which might help you explain the situation.

Mr. Alura

[sexypairca]

Janet I felt very similar when we first started going to clubs.

I would wait and see if anyone asked me to dance, other than hubby of course, and if no one had by the end of the night I was discouraged and disappointed. I figured that since I wasn't the perfect size or shape that other men didn't find me attractive. I took notice around the room and noticed that many other women weren't perfect and neither were the men for that matter. I decided to make a conscious effort to be the outgoing person that I am in everyday life and the club scene grew to be much more enjoyable. Body language plays a big factor on how, or if, others approach you also.

I agree that most advances seem to be made by the women and that can be a little unnerving the first couple of times. Not every woman is comfortable asking a man to dance but keep in mind that some men are shy too. Going to a club with a group has its advantages but also disadvantages. As Mr Alura pointed out the "crashing your party" is a concern. Some one who did not know anyone in the group may have been somewhat intimidated to approach a crowd.

As far as changing your clothing I would suggest only wearing outfits that you are comfortable in. Wearing something flashy just for the sake of showing off your goods but being self conscious the entire evening is not a good idea. If you like it and think you look good in it, go for it.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it was your first visit to a club. You now know what to expect at an off premise club. Most things aren't perfect the first time. I hope that this helps a little.

Annette

[Ashley]

All good advice....my experience with clubs(all on premise) is that most men don't make the first move, they do wait for the women. Having said that, L is an exception.....he is generally pretty aggressive and for the life of me, I don't know how he gets by with it. I'm still waiting for him to get his face slapped....lol.
I think the reason he doesn't get in trouble is because he has been swinging so long that he has a sense as to which ladies are going to be receptive. I too, am reluctant to make the initial advances(all that "good girl" upbringing) but the last couple of club visits I have loosened up a little. I also like to be careful not to offend the female half by being too aggressive because I know that kind of behavior pisses me off.

[ciscosv]

I never like to ask the ladies to dance myself at first. I think it does create some kind of pressure. I am also a horrible dancer. Oh, I can also be shy!

I personally feel like I have to get to know the male half of the couple before asking his wife/SO to dance. Once we have chatted and are comfortable, then this is a different story.

I would never turn down the offer to dance when asked. Just makes no sense.

Looking forward to another unofficial swingersboard party!!!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by ciscosv
I am also a horrible dancer. Oh, I can also be shy!

Begs to differ on the dancing... and regarding you being shy I don't believe that for a second either. I can't even think about you anymore without thinking of you dancing (and your nickname which I won't mention here).

******

Janet,

I think a lot of it probably comes down to being shy. If you are shy/uncomfortable other people see it and it may make them hesitant to approach you. I can't speak for myself as everyone on here who has met me knows that I won't sit still at a club for 15 seconds and have no problem asking someone to dance, flirting or appearing easy (god that sounds bad). Hubby on the other hand is much more like you. He is very quiet and shy and it takes a lot of time before he is willing to approach a female at all. Usually if I know he wants to dance with someone I will ask the husband of the female to dance at the same time, it seems to make things a little easier. Perhaps you guys can do something like that.... work as a team and approach another couple together, asking them to dance.

[ciscosv]

Thank you Julie

add some red to this face ......

I do look forward to the "sexydance" everytime now since I did not participate at the last unofficial party in Lansing. That was the first and last time.

Sexydance next weekend BABY! Hopefully...

I really do get self concious of my dancing at "at first". Once the dancefloor contains more dancers, it becomes easier for me to move with the beats and bodies. I dont have a problem talking to people at all but I am little more hesitant to walk up to someone for the introduction. We both are starting to get over that. It is alot easier to let people approach you than for you to approach someone else.

[thekolonel]

I was wondering about this sort of thing myself. Perhaps it depends on the club. We went to a semi-private club last Saturday (our first experience outside of purely private parties) and we weren't really sure how to approach people. I just assumed that women or couples together would approach people, but was told that generally people roamed about on their own and it was ok for guys to approach women. Just wondering what the norm is.

--Uh, to further clarify, this was not a dancing situation but rather an open room where there was quite a bit of sex going on. It appeared that guys were just going up to women and initiating sex after some tentative caresses. But like I said I was new so I didn't want to step on any toes.

[J & K]

I think that men in general wait for the ladies to make the first move, out of respect for the "No means No", respect for the ladies in general and their husbands/mates. I believe the men do not want to be perceived as the aggressors in a swinging type environment as so much negativity is associated with the 'single male' syndrome, therefore the women have to initiate. Swinging situations are not like your typical nightclub. Swingers know where the evening might end as opposed to your typical nightclub goers only hope that it will. This does not mean that dancing with someone or getting touch feely will lead to sex, but there is that fine line and I think the guys don't want to be the first to cross it.

"J" here--the male half of "K".

I love it when a pretty lady ask me to dance at any club, but "K" accepts it more at a swing club.

K and I have been going to our swing club for a year now and each time I tend to dance with her the most because I am a little shy. I hate rejection and feel ugly when they say no.

Well--this last Saturday K and I went to our club solo and we danced alot together, BUT while dancing she noticed cetain women checking me out so she slowly went by them and asked to trade dancing partners---they agreed. Did I have a blast because after that a few women came and asked me to dance. I made sure to keep an eye on their mates reaction when I dirty dance with their lady. They didn't get upset (beside K was dancing with their men which they had hands all over her) so I let the hands do some sexual wondering, but in a teasing type of way. After dancing with these women I never had to ask---they came to me. LOVED IT!!!!!

What I noticed the most were the ladies that look like they want to dance so bad just sitting there looking so sad because their man didn't want to dance or never dances. I always make the mistake of pointing them out to "K" and she gets us to get the cpl out on the dance floor. So---in swing clubs I think it is awesome when ladies ask men to dance because of the above statement that is highlighted. One: it takes away the rejection and two it lets men know they aren't asking a lady to dance just to get in bed with them. Women as the aggressor for dancing can be a real turn on for men.

If your shy ladies---tell your man you would like to dance with a certain man and if he will help you out (maybe he dances with his mate) and make sure that man's mate will accept you dancing solo with him or she might want to dance as a threesome or cpl.

Go for it I say!!!! I won't say no to any lady who ask me and I may not even be sexually attracted to you, but I will still dance with you!!!!

-J