A cautionary tale, of developing feelings and doing the right thing

[The Fuse]

I had a strange thing happen recently. A former playmate told me, seemingly out of the blue, that he had developed strong feelings for me and didn't feel comfortable seeing me even just socially.

It just goes to show you that you don't really know what's going on in your playmates' minds. It's also an example of someone (my playmate) doing the right thing in a somewhat difficult situation.

First a little background: these playmates had recently stopped swinging because he and his wife didn't have enough time for each other due to kids, jobs and life in general. They were the first couple we swapped with (and by the way the subject of my one and only Swinger Story on this board, called A Great First Experience).

We've known them for over a year and had many great play dates together. The sexual connection between me and him, and Mr. Fuse and his wife, was truly uncanny right from the first time and got better the more we saw them. At the time we first met them, we didn't realize how unusual that is.

The male half, who I still talked to via IM, told me he had developed feelings for me that were too strong, and that's part of why he didn't want to see me (even just socially since they aren't swinging anymore). I was shocked. I had had no clue. We'd had a great sexual connection, but didn't really have much in common otherwise. It'd seemed like a great play-type situation to me, with nothing to worry about.

This taught me that peoples' feelings aren't always what they seem to be in swinging, and sometimes things happen out of left field. Everything is fine. I'm not upset, just a bit perturbed and touched.

I'm not sure what I'm after in posting this. I suppose partly I just want the therapeutic feeling I'll get from writing it and putting it out there, and partly I hope people read this and become a little more aware than I was. It's also a good ending, because he is doing exactly the right thing.

Comments are welcomed .

[Tybee Swing]

It's a very good point for all of us to hear - we really don't know what goes on in the minds of our playmates.

Fuse, looking back now with hindsight and 20/20 vision, do you think there were any clues that he felt this way?

[sexychoclit]

It's hard to keep emotional feelings out of play, especially if you are together often. With the couple I dated, we often told each other "I love you". Somethings just develope that way, sometimes it doesn't. I don't feel that either way is right or wrong. You are the only person who can guage your feelings and as long as you are honest about it, all should be o.k. If that causes you to not be able to be around a person or them to not be around you, then you have to take it as it comes.

When you are in the lifestyle, you may not be looking for love, doesn't mean you won't find it.

[daisy girl]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think swinging puts you on the edge. You are sharing a very intimate experience with someone who is not your soul mate. I love that swinging "pushes the envelope." But, on the flipside, once you open yourself up, you are vulnerable.

This is something that I think about the more that we swing. Swinging produces such intense feelings...both physically and emotionally. That is what I love...the primal sexual feelings/impulses/urges experienced with others.

It is wonderful that your friend acknowledged his feelings and realized the inappropriateness. I think being honest is crucial. Hopefully, your friend will be able to clarify his feelings and move forward.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

It's a very good point for all of us to hear - we really don't know what goes on in the minds of our playmates.

Fuse, looking back now with hindsight and 20/20 vision, do you think there were any clues that he felt this way?

Not really. No longing looks, no emotional pronouncements, other than the usual nice things playmates say. No goodbye hugs that went on too long, no emotionally intimate moments, beyond the usual ones that happen during and after sex.

One thing that might have contributed is that when this couple met others, they usually ran into the very common situation where most of the interest is in the woman. My friend said he normally didn't feel like the other woman was interested in him. We've had a few playmate couples who've run into this and have been very psyched that I'm mostly straight and interested in the man. So, he felt very comfortable with me as compared to others.

He also wasn't used to the woman really wanting to make him feel good, and working over time to find out what gave him the most pleasure. He also wasn't used to certain things I did (nothing unusual), and made a point of telling me that. But none of these things seemed significant.

I don't feel guilty, because I didn't do anything wrong. But I do feel a little bewildered and wish things had been different.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by sexychoclit

It's hard to keep emotional feelings out of play, especially if you are together often. With the couple I dated, we often told each other "I love you". Somethings just develope that way, sometimes it doesn't. I don't feel that either way is right or wrong. You are the only person who can guage your feelings and as long as you are honest about it, all should be o.k. If that causes you to not be able to be around a person or them to not be around you, then you have to take it as it comes.

When you are in the lifestyle, you may not be looking for love, doesn't mean you won't find it.

Dito

The fact is, we're not our own feelings owners, even more, it's more likely that our feelings own us, and less we'd be the owners of other people's feelings. At most, we take measures to prevent those feelings to affect our life, or to deal with them once they arouse, as this guy just did.

If in your shoes, I'd be feeling flattered. Anyway, it seems this feelings are bothering him, enough as to take preventive measures to get rid of them.

However, this isn't the only possible outcome, moreover when you guys started to meet so often, found out you all have a particular connection, and you all seemed to be ok until this happened. Some people (like ourselves), facind the same situation, should the four of us agree with the concept, would be pondering to go ahead and develop some level of polyamorous relationship. This wouldn't mean a "commitment", nor to stop swinging, but to give us all permission to enjoy those feelings as we do with sex.

Of course, there are risks involved, and it itn't everyone's cup or tea. Without the option for polyamory over the table, what this guy just did seems to be a pretty mature and heathy way to deal with the issue.

[The Fuse]

sereneiders,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

Originally Posted by sereneiders

If in your shoes, I'd be feeling flattered.

Yes, I'm certainly flattered. The guy has a heart of gold.

Originally Posted by sereneiders

However, this isn't the only possible outcome, moreover when you guys started to meet so often, found out you all have a particular connection, and you all seemed to be ok until this happened. Some people (like ourselves), facind the same situation, should the four of us agree with the concept, would be pondering to go ahead and develop some level of polyamorous relationship. This wouldn't mean a "commitment", nor to stop swinging, but to give us all permission to enjoy those feelings as we do with sex.

You're right, it's not the only possible outcome. But in this case, it was the right outcome. His feelings were mainly based on how good the sex was. My feelings hadn't spilled over from the physical the way his had, though I certainly like him. Mr. Fuse and his wife also had quite an amazing sexual chemistry, but there wasn't the potential for deeper feelings there.

The guy and I had this intense thing when we were horizontal, but realistically we couldn't hang out for too long without running out of conversation...and not in that nice serene way that happens with good friends. I didn't feel the intellectual connection or strong kinship that a deeper relationship is born of. I don't think he did, either. He just felt drawn to me because of our physical thing. It's hard to say that without sounding like I'm braying about it, though as above I'm aware of the compliment.

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Of course, there are risks involved, and it itn't everyone's cup or tea. Without the option for polyamory over the table, what this guy just did seems to be a pretty mature and heathy way to deal with the issue.

There wasn't that option here, though I am personally poly-friendly. And I am proud of him for what he did, even as I'll be sad not to see him anymore.

[havefuninsun]

Mrs. Fuse,

What a sad situation indeed. How brave of him, though, to come out and say what he did. That's amazing. Another thing I love about this way of living is how open communication is ... how uplifting, really.

The gentleman sounds like a true superstar.