Spontaneous Encounters...

[TNT]

There have been a couple of threads lately where either the wife of a couple is wanting things to happen spontaneously or the husband is wanting things to happen spontaneously.

From what I’m gathering from these threads, they are not wanting to exactly “plan” any type of evening out with someone for the sole purpose of having sex. They just want it to happen.

Now I can see where spontaneous encounters hold a certain appeal but...I do believe that things should/need to be talked out before hand so that both half’s of the couple know exactly what the other’s limits, expectations and true feelings are.

Talking about the possibility of something happening in a particular way does not necessarily take the spontaneity away from it.

Case in point:

Ted had always had a fantasy of me sucking a man off without his knowledge and then later telling him about it.

I had never felt comfortable with this as I felt that if he didn't know what I was doing, then in some way I was cheating on him. Also, it was a fantasy and neither of us were exactly sure of how we would react, especially since we had always done things together..Would it cause problems? Would it be one of the best things we ever did? There was no way for either of us to know so, it was one of those things that we fantasized about on a regular basis, talked about different scenarios in which this "might" be a possibility of happening and discussed extensively how he and I both would feel if it did happen.

Having talked about it enough gave me the confidence that when I was presented with an opportunity to make this fantasy a reality (Spontaneous occurrence here, was not planned at all)...I took it knowing that no matter the outcome, a huge turn on for both of us or a fantasy that should have been left a fantasy...he and I were both going to be okay.

In our case, it was a bigger turn on for Ted than even he thought it was going to be and I enjoyed it myself. It was a spontaneous encounter but it was also one that had been discussed extensively as well.

So how does everyone else feel about spontaneous play versus play that has been talked about and/or play that is planned out?



Teresa

[BradAndJanet]

I think the best sex 'just happens'. Sure, everyone plans a little (does fantasizing count too?), but we've never scripted or role-played anything before, if that's what you mean.

I understand where Ted's coming from , too...

-B

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by TNT

There have been a couple of threads lately where either the wife of a couple is wanting things to happen spontaneously or the husband is wanting things to happen spontaneously.

Intersting that you posted this because I've noticed the trend too.

I think the spontaneous nature some seem to want, especially the newbies, is to make it seem less 'dirty'. Its one thing to plan to have sex with someone else, but if it 'just happens' then its less perverted I guess.

I think as experianced swingers its not so bad because the ground rules have been long set.

So we could be spontanious if say we were at a vanilla party and a couple came on to us and we went for it and it would be ok, but in that case we already knew the rules. I think some couples get themselves into trouble by confusing 'spontanious' with 'lack of clear communication'.

So basically I agree with ya Mrs. T.

[ViSexual]

Teresa,

As usual, you're just so cool! And, I'll bet the lucky recipient will be talking, very nicely, about you for the rest of his life!

Four of the five couples we had swinging encounters with were spontaneous occurances. And I think they were much more enjoyable than the planned one.

But there is something to be said for planning ahead, discussing comfort levels, rules, limits and such in advance.

Hey, before I close, Ted is one lucky man!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by TNT

So how does everyone else feel about spontaneous play versus play that has been talked about and/or play that is planned out?

Teresa

Hi Teresa,

I think that most people who say it has to happen spontaneously (the threads that pop up here that you referred to) are newbies who've never set ground rules in the first place. Many of them haven't had any experience with swinging, or very little. So far, everything has been only fantasies in their minds. They see it as happening spontaneously, like in a steamy romance novel or a cheesy porno script. I think that a lot of people think that's the way it's supposed to happen. Some of these spontaneity-seekers say it won't happen unless it is spontaneous. I guess they think that any sort of planning or really talking about how everyone feels about every aspect takes all the excitement out of it?

You two were prepared and had talked - not in a clinical way about it, but in detail and often:

"it was one of those things that we fantasized about on a regular basis, talked about different scenarios in which this "might" be a possibility of happening and discussed extensively how he and I both would feel if it did happen."

With you and Ted, it worked out great (sounded hot!). But, it wasn't completely spontaneous because you'd talked about it a lot earlier, Ted told you he wanted you to do it, you pondered it and questioned how you felt about it for a time, and then eventually, when a certain opportunity arose, you took it knowing you had Ted's full blessing. You aren't newbies, you know his feelings and responses well from your experiences together, so you weren't treading into entirely new territory, like a newbie would be. In your situation, with the two of you as the emotionally mature and secure couple you are, I can see why it would work so well.

[coollatinos]

I have to say that my post yesterday is all about my wife's hangup with spontaneity.We have our profile on both Swing Lifestyle and AFF,so it's not as if we haven't discussed the possibility of swinging.She seems to believe that spontaneity will make it innocent,some how.I'm all for spontaneous hookups,but that ONLY happens in movies,etc.At parties,and on vacations,I'm the extrovert,and always start up conversations with men,women,couples and invite them to join us at our table,seats,etc.So,it's usually up to me to create opportunities for spontaneous play.I just wish that she'd "take the ball and run with it".

[MoonLightKiss]

This is such a good question. I am kinda in between completely new and comfortable enough in our experiences. I don't think we are ready for something completely spontaneous. We are enjoying just being with each other with others right now. But I can see where this would work for swingers with experience. Those that do have experience have set the rules, tried them out, maybe even bent or broken some unintentionally and worked through most of the issues newbies have. But I just can't see where complete spontanaeity (So spelled wrong I am sure) with completely new people is always a good idea. Noone really knows how they are going to react until its right there in front of you, and planning it is half of the talking it out and getting the boundaries set process, or at least it was for us. Once we started planning encounters and it became real to us instead of just a fantasy we really started to hammer out feelings. So for us we just would not have been comfortable with a spontaneous situation to early on. Perhaps in a little while longer we could discuss it as surprises for birthdays or something.

[ohash01]

Now - I am a strong opponent of TRULY spontaneous encounters - i.e. sudden with no previous thought or discussion. That can cause major problems. Now - I enjoy "fake" spontaneous. When you and your partner have talked about the "perfect" scenario and then you get the random opportunity to do it.

Did that make sense?

[good times]

I agree that spontaneity could be great when done by couples like you and Ted who know each others boundaries and limits thoroughly.

On the other hand, what I see a lot in posts here on the board is usually someone new who hasn't even had their first experience yet. The feeling I get form these people is that the spouse that is insisting on spontaneity is often doing so because they really aren't ready for swinging yet, and are using this desire for spontaneity as a means of avoiding having to say no to their spouse to swinging. In other words, by saying to their spouse that the only way they will swing is if it is done spontaneously, they are setting up a scenario that is impossible to fulfill, and therefore, they avoid disappointing their spouse and avoid swinging at the same time.

So, while I think that experienced swingers can work spontaneity into their play without any problems, for the majority of newbie folks who post here about the desire for their swinging encounters to be spontaneous, I think it is a recipe for disaster if they actually go through with it.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by good times

I agree that spontaneity could be great when done by couples like you and Ted who know each others boundaries and limits thoroughly.

Very well said!

We have crossed a threshold in our swinging where fantasies we once thought could never happen are suddenly very possible. But it hasn't been without a lot of talk and trial.

Mrs Spoo likes spontaneity - but the truth is, it is always planned and discussed before hand. We agree on the people we play with, discuss things carefully and ultimately have things so thoroughly discussed that true serendipity doesn't really happen.

And let's face it - sometimes things happen, sometimes you have to make things happen. Our best experiences have surprised us, no doubt about it - in fact, the very best experience for me (ever) was something I not only never expected, but also sort of wrote off as an impossibility! Still - when it did happen - it had been discussed enough ahead of time to know that this was an okay thing.

Like you and Ted, we know each other's boundaries - and our only rule is respect. As we mature in the lifestyle, our borders expand, and the possibilities become truly endless. And we have just about discussed every single possibility at this point.

Spoomonkey

PS - The scenario you describe, Mrs Spoo feels the same way as you did. She'd feel like that was cheating. She'd know it wasn't, but she'd feel like it is. And that would ruin the experience for her. That is changing - but I think it was a good way to feel starting out since chances are if we had done something like that out of the gate, it would have really hurt us.

[TNT]

Thanks everyone, ya'll gave some great input


Teresa

[mfmyeahbaby]

Well for us it's been a topic for awhile now and mainly be (m) and received very well by (f). Hasn't happened yet but none the less it is talked about. In our situation (f) is doing this mainly because of the mutual turn on for us for a whole lot of it the pleasures that are obviously there and in our case our scenario is with our usual mfm partner. We say that it would be like foreplay for us and since our mfm partner isn't just a friend but is also totally trusted and has love and respect for both of us, it's discussed amongst the three of us as something that if happened would totally be treated as first of all something (m and f) wanted and would use positively in their relationship and the extra friend is absolutely respecting all boundaries. And we (m and f)feel enough for the friend that we would prefer his involvement to be unrestricted because he is a perfect fit for our situation (sex is great and no disrespect). So for f to later tell me later that she gave our friend a blow job, I would only want to know if it was all it could be. and love every minute of it.

[Additude]

Hummmm,

I thought spontaneous was like when we have a single male over and I excuse myself from the living room to go into the kitchen to get some ice or something and when I come back into the living room in a couple of minutes, my wife has already popped his cock from his pants, got it stiff and is stroking it while she has him in a lip lock....

Or when we are with a couple and decide to head for the hot tub, I say to the wife and the hubby of the other couple, you two head down, we will be there in a minute....I take the other wifey into the bedroom walk-in closet to quickly strip and put on a bathrobe...we immediately walk downstairs to the hot tub and my wife has already got this guy hard and is fucking him.

...or maybe I am confusing that with spontaneous human combustion......