Other girl's date assumed I'd do him

[Tybee Swing]

Hi All,

I'm not asking for help so much as just your opinions and thoughts on this situation.

We were at a fun house party last month with people who were familiar to us, and quite a few new, too. People from 3 states were there. During an icebreaker early on, another gal and I, brand-new acquaintences, hit it off right away. We went around the room as a pair playing the icebreaker game, and it was great fun. We really connected. People were asking if we were best friends, but we'd just met. Let's call her Sue.

Sue and I were flirting up my hubby as well as others, the two of us tag-teaming on the game as a pair. I didn't know who her husband/SO was, had no idea for the next couple of hours! I had the feeling she was a single girl, maybe there with a date or something. We were playing the "game" with my hubby, as well as quite a bit with each other, needless to say. Things got really heated, and we clearly wanted to take each other into a room. At this heated point, the game we were playing involved the two of us going down on my hubby at the same time. I asked playfully if she'd like to go into one of the bedrooms to complete our "mission" there, and she said yes. I asked if it was okay with her husband (or whoever), and asked her if we should ask him first. She agreed we'd go ask him, and I finally met this elusive guy. He was an older man who'd been sitting in a chair very quietly the whole night. We were quickly introduced, and he agreed about the two of us girls going down on my hubby together. I heard second-hand on the way that he said, "if he could watch". Of course, this was okay!

So, we three extremely horny new friends went off to the bedroom together with this guy following behind. We did what we went there to do, and it was extremely HOT. The chemistry that started in the main room was off the charts when we got to a bed! If we'd had the opportunity to keep that going, we all three would have been seeing stars and hearing waves crashing on the beach. But, a few minutes into it, Mr. I'm-Just-Here-To-Watch maneuvered me beside them and started to go down on me. I really didn't want to...I didn't appreciate the interruption. I wasn't attracted at all - but I let him. After a little bit of that, I sat up (couldn't continue with him). He stood up right in front of me, dropped his drawers, and expected me (clearly) to give him what me and his lady friend had given my husband. THAT was not the deal! Now I really didn't want anything to do with him. (Remember, this man and I hadn't even gotten acquainted.)

I moved away from his dick in my face and slid back to Sue and my hubby, where we continued what we started for a few more minutes. This was clearly what Sue wanted, too. It was fun while it lasted, except for this guy.

Question: Am I right for feeling that it was rude of him to think I was supposed to do with him whatever Sue did with me and my hubby? If a man says up front he's just going to watch, is that code for "I'm just saying that so I can weasel my way in?"

Followup: They've been contacting us and they assume we'll play as a 4some next time we meet. Yes, I'd love to play with her again, but not him. However, I won't suggest that. Like most of us couples, sometimes you're attracted to one but not the other, and when that happens we just let it go. It's the only way we know to handle it (is there any other way)?

By the way, this couple turned out to not be married, and don't apparently live together...they're dating. It's probably why I got the single girl vibe off of her.

If you were in my shoes in this scenario, what would you have done?

[Amanda69]

I would have had a more detailed discussion with her first before consenting to play to find out the situation with her and this guy. While there are men who will happily sit on a chair and watch the action, most men want to join in, can't really blame the guy.

You have to consider what you are comfortable with is not always what others consider to be normal or comfortable for them. Maybe they go to a lot of parties where they enjoy anonymous sex. Maybe she essentially is the bait to get him laid at these parties, she does the trolling and when she finds a couple gets him involved.

I would certainly be open asap about your lack of interest in him and see where that takes you. Maybe she is open to partying on her own, then you have a winner. If not then maybe just a fun friend to hang with occaisonally.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Question: Am I right for feeling that it was rude of him to think I was supposed to do with him whatever Sue did with me and my hubby? If a man says up front he's just going to watch, is that code for "I'm just saying that so I can weasel my way in?"

It seems to me that you guys were fairly clear about what you were going back into the room for - and he understood that he was coming to watch.

It is hard to say - maybe things weren't as black and white as they seem - but based just on your post, it really does seem like he jumped in uninvited. If the three of you were clear with him about your intentions then he had no right to join in unless he was invited.

Spoomonkey

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

But, a few minutes into it, Mr. I'm-Just-Here-To-Watch maneuvered me beside them and started to go down on me. I really didn't want to...I didn't appreciate the interruption. I wasn't attracted at all - but I let him.

I think this is the mistake that was made. Having let him go down on you, he assumed you would return the favor. It's an assumption that shouldn't be made, but it very commonly is.

Had you pushed him away at the time, he probably would have gotten the hint and just sat and watched as was dicussed that he would. If he didn't get the hint and you weren't comfortable having him join in, then it would have been time to stop things and return to the party.


Teresa

[Tybee Swing]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. Amanda mentioned that we should have had a more detailed discussion about their relationship. This would happen with us normally, in a getting-to-know-you situation. My husband and I love to be clear about things to avoid any drama. However, this setting was different. It was a wild out-of-town party kind of thing, you know? Not really the "sit down and tell me all about your life" kind of setting.

The reason I suggested that we check for permission was to avoid drama, in case he would have had a problem with her going off. I was trying to be courteous and respectful to them as a couple (though not knowing their relationship), and make sure everyone was cool with it. We never want to step on anyone's toes.

Regarding that moment when he interrupted to go down on me...yes, my impulse was to say "no" right then, but it was very, very awkward. I had to make a split-second decision. If I'd said "no" or pushed him off, it likely would have brought everything to a screeching halt (buzz-kill!). Maybe in the back of my mind, I was thinking I'd ease out of the situation with him in a moment or two, rather than being forced into making a scene and ending the fun. It did end pretty quickly because of the interruption, anyway. It just delayed it a few minutes.

This is my feeling on it: Because he didn't know me at all and got no hint from me that I wanted it, he should have left it alone unless I actually invited him. If he asked, I'd be forced to say "no". If he just jumps in, I'd be forced to push him away and say no, killing the moment. Or, I'd be taken by surprise and go along with it for a moment unwillingly (like I did), then end up moving away from him, anyway. Now, if we'd talked and flirted all evening as a couple, I'd get it. But, we didn't. I'd barely just been introduced to him after hours of flirting with his girlfriend.

There was definitely an agreement, even though it was hastily made, that he wanted to watch the three of us, and that she had permission to play. I figured that was enough conversation in that moment and in that setting. If he followed us "to watch", he should have kept his word unless he got invited to join....no?

Next time something like this happens (if ever), I'll just sit up and say, "I thought you said you came to watch." It will still likely end the fun, though. I don't see a happy ending here. LOL!

[dayhiker]

Ya, I can see how with him sitting back why his gf? was out there involved and then
checking with him was a discontinutity from the start.
The play in the room was if he could watch. So that did indicate it was bases
on some limited involvment by him.
Then he made a move to up his involvement. He got a tentive yes in that involvment and upped the involvment again to get your NO. I don't see that anyone did anything wrong from what they understood at the time.
looking back its always clearer to see how the situatoin could have been handled better and I'm sure we all learn from what you have described.
It seems to me that awkward situations are going to be common in this lifestyle. Part of growing in it is learning to live with that ackwardness and then learning how to be graceous in how we deal with them.

dayhiker

[Tybee Swing]

Hi dayhiker, thanks for your thoughts.

Originally Posted by dayhiker

The play in the room was if he could watch. So that did indicate it was bases on some limited involvment by him.
Then he made a move to up his involvement.

Can you explain? Why did his agreeing to watch indicate a basis for some "limited involvement" with him? I would think it would indicate watching, no further involvement. Perhaps I'm too literal a person?

[ohash01]

Hmmm...tricky tricky situation. I'm curious as to whether or not they came TO play together. I know that WAAAYY back in the day when I used to be a single female, I'd almost always have a guy with me wherever I went for "safety". Did it seem like she WANTED him to join?

It just seems a little odd to me...MOST (not all) men I know want to be involved when their women are. Not just sitting there watching. I mean - once in a while it's okay...but not usually in the hyped-up house party way. I also don't understand why he didn't just go "is it okay if?..." We have spent time with the same couple for a while now and I STILL ask if stuff is okay. A lot of irritation, frustration, and buzzkills could be avoided. Isn't the "rule" generally if you dont know the couple you ask if it's okay?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by ohash01

Hmmm...tricky tricky situation. I'm curious as to whether or not they came TO play together. I know that WAAAYY back in the day when I used to be a single female, I'd almost always have a guy with me wherever I went for "safety". Did it seem like she WANTED him to join?

My impression was that she was very bi-curious, she was very into the kissing and stuff we were doing, wanted to explore it, and explore my husband, too. She didn't seem to have a desire to have her boyfriend join, nor a desire for him not to. I'm the one that suggested we ask him (just to keep everything cool for everybody). You'd think she would have asked him without the suggestion. It really was a very odd situation!

Originally Posted by ohash01

It just seems a little odd to me...MOST (not all) men I know want to be involved when their women are. Not just sitting there watching. I mean - once in a while it's okay...but not usually in the hyped-up house party way. I also don't understand why he didn't just go "is it okay if?..." We have spent time with the same couple for a while now and I STILL ask if stuff is okay. A lot of irritation, frustration, and buzzkills could be avoided. Isn't the "rule" generally if you dont know the couple you ask if it's okay?

I'm like you, I/we always ask if we're about to go into unexplored territory, even if we really know the couple and we've been together before. And yes, I think it should be engraved in stone, that if you don't even know the couple, you always ASK first. Or better yet, if you say you're coming back to watch, you keep your word and just watch, unless you're invited. Maybe Emily Post should address this issue.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi All,
Question: Am I right for feeling that it was rude of him to think I was supposed to do with him whatever Sue did with me and my hubby? If a man says up front he's just going to watch, is that code for "I'm just saying that so I can weasel my way in?"

Honestly? I can tell you only my opinion. With us, since we are a married couple, it is understood from jump that if you are doing her husband than vice versa is expected. I honestly think that if you were not interested in him you should have made it more clear. Now, I do realize that he was just sitting off being unsociable...but you did know about him, that he was her husband. Thats jmo, but I think in a way it was selfish of you just to assume that he would not want to play as well.

[2jersey]

I heard second-hand on the way that he said, "if he could watch".
Of course, this was okay!

1) He can see that the girls are going to get it on
2) He wants to watch
3) You heard that he wants to watch "second hand"

It is unlikely that he ever intended to "just" watch. There is a big difference between "just watching" and "watching". He expected couples play - as most people would do in this circumstance.

[blondie77]

I have to agree with 2jersey...I also think it's unlikely that he intended "only to watch". He probably assumed that since they were together, whatever action she got that night, he would be involved in too. Someone mentioned that it could be that he just uses her as bait to get laid, so he doesn't have to do any of the work himself. (I've seen guys like that...they're not interested in socializing or getting to know people, they let their SO's do the dirty work...then they reap the benefits.) Who knows...this may not be the case...but in any case, yes, I do think it was rude of him to just jump in like that. However, as they were a couple, I would've made things more clear before heading off to that bedroom. Couples "usually" play together, and perhaps this guy just thought he was entitled to jump in...not saying that he was entitled, of course. By letting him go down on you, I think you gave him the all clear to proceed. However, I agree that in that situation, it's always proper to ask before doing anything.

[ShellyM]

You know though, I have re-read the OP, and he seemed to be pretty darn rough! I really hope I am mis-reading it, but it seems in the post like he just barged in, grabbed her and started having his way with her! Wow, the guy really needs to work on that approach! The wrong woman might really get some attitude with a man just coming along, grabbing her arm and deciding its his turn to do her. Hopefully I am mis-interpreting that part of the post, but man is he looking for trouble if I'm not.

[Spoomonkey]

Personally - if he meant anything other than "I am going to watch" when he said "I am going to watch" it was up to him to be a bit more clear. I don't think Tybee can be blamed for misinterpreting that.

Spoomonkey

[dayhiker]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi dayhiker, thanks for your thoughts.



Can you explain? Why did his agreeing to watch indicate a basis for some "limited involvement" with him? I would think it would indicate watching, no further involvement. Perhaps I'm too literal a person?

Tybee - just the watching is involvment in my opinion. He's not watching as someone who is walking by, but he's in the room ... But the comment if I can watch, doesn't comunicate what his real desires were, so its a changing agreement as the meeting goes on between the 4 or you. Clearly makes it easy to have misunderstandings.

Well, I hope each of you don't beat each other up (figureatively) over this. Doesn't sound as if you are. We are limited as humans, because we for the most part don't know what will happen 10 mins from now even when we paln it.
shalom,
dayhiker