Women's Experiences in the Swingers Lifestyle

[JustAskJulie]

As with anything, there are always positives and negatives. Are there SOME women who were coerced into swinging? Yes. Are there some men who go along just to make their wives happy? Yes. It works both ways. Is that the majority of swingers? I doubt it. It's definately not the majority of those that I have met (and I've met a lot of swingers), but I have met a few where that was obviously the case - and we've seen quite a few on this board where one or the other was obviously doing it just to make the other happy.

No one should do anything that they aren't comfortable with just to make someone else happy. In the end, they only make themselves unhappy, feeling guilty and hurting their relationship.

When I first started with my (now defunct) amateur site, I did so simply because I wanted to. I couldn't imagine anyone putting themselves out there naked on the internet (or having sex with others with or without cameras, watching their partners do the same) without actually wanting to. I got into a huge debate with another girl who had a site (she was also doing so completely of her own accord) with her saying that there were girls who were forced into it. The discussion centered around one in particular. One who I really couldn't believe would be doing it without really wanting to. As I got to know the girl in question better, what I learned was that that was exactly the case. That her husband was very demanding and abusive and did exactly what he wanted regardless of what his wife wanted, including pushing her into being involved in their website. A website which over time (as she built up more spine) became about HIM having sex with everyone else with her in the background. They are divorced now. I tell that story just to point out that you can't always know people's motives, but you can if you dig deep enough.

[tisdun]

We got into swinging by accident. We were at Caliente and were sitting in the hot tub talking to another couple. I was almost drunk and my husband was playing with my pussy. I got the urge to fuck right there. I brushed my hand accidently against the breast of the couple we had been talking to. She giggled and took my hand and put it back on her breast. Then she leaned over and kissed me. I had to have her. I rubbed her thigh and played with her breast. She fingered me and I exploded. I sat on the edge of the pool and tried to cool off. We left together and went to their room and fucked them for about three hours. She ate my pussy at that moment, I became bi-sexual a swinger.

[TravlParty]

Great story tisdun! Whew!

Funny, but we also started at Caliente.

Female half here, and I started the talk. He was more than happy to watch me enjoy my bi side. I've had great experiences both with men and women. No complaints!

Three years later, we're still going strong and very happy with each other and the lifestyle.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--I have a feeling that the guest speaker was not in a true swinging environment as much as trying the Lifestyle amongst a bunch of amateurs whose only guide was a videotape copy of 'Bob, Carol,Ted and Alice'. There are some real idiots who try this without investigation, research or true understanding. In our experience, if either member of a couple is uncomfortable, it's a red flag against Playing. People will be friendly, chat and answer questions. But, who wants to fuck a nuclear weapon. Not me.

[tisdun]

My husband had joked about but no pressure was applied. It was a spur of the moment thing. I loved it and if pressure was applied I never could have been comfortable.

[JustMrsJ]

When I started in the lifestyle, I admit I was really nervous and didn't know what to expect. My first experience was not good. It didn't stop me for continuing. Now I really enjoy the lifestyle and I don't feel jealousy or guilt at all.

[SnowwwWhite]

The first time the issue was brought up, I was horrified!

"I'm a GOOD GIRL, dammit!" All of these things flashed through my mind... wondering if he wanted to use me as a ticket so he could sleep with other women... wondering if he even cared about me at all if he could be thinking of seeing me with another man, or encouraging me to be promiscuous.

But the good news is that despite not wanting to sleep around I'm very open-minded and eventually started researching the lifestyle. At first I researched it because I was confused... my boyfriend had brought up swinging so I thought I meant nothing to him. But he treated me pretty well and I knew he was being sexually faithful. So it puzzled me. So I started looking into swinging to see if maybe I was missing something.

Once I did a little research I realized that there's a lot to it and just because someone wants you to swing with them doesn't mean they don't care about you. That was the hardest thing to come to terms with. But once I could accept that, everything changed.

Eventually it was ME who orchestrated our first swinging encounter. I didn't even ask him, I just made it happen. I was thrilled to surprise him with my change of heart that had been developing without his knowledge. It turns out I just needed time to evaluate it. (And test things out a bit at strip clubs!)

Swinging was so foreign to what I'd ever believed or experienced, but once I allowed myself to look at things rationally I could see the value in it.

[JustMrJ]

I had to laugh out loud... my wife (JustMrsJ above) forgot to mention that she is a 'Good Catholic Girl' and has had the 'guilt' mechanism hammered into her since confirmation and before.

She has figured out that she doesn't need to feel guilty... she only has to enjoy herself and I'm a happy man.

I originally brought up the subject. We talked about it for over two years before we actually began 'playing'. And it was my lovely bride that gave me the go-ahead to do so.

The fact is that in this Lifestyle... the women rule and the men drool...

[mixtupcpl]

For the women who brought it up, and/or the women who are "driving", Im curious what would happen if the husband wanted to call a full stop.

Just playing devils advocate, but there seems to be a kind of general assumption that men could never possibly be uncomfortable with any of this (beyond initial feelings of jealousy and/or inadequacy), but I suspect thats not true.

I'd bet that there are at least a few couples where the husband brought it up, and then once it started, really wasnt so happy with how things were going, but is worried what might happen if he called a full stop. Or where the wife brought it up and the husband, deep inside, felt that he couldnt really say no without ending up being cheated on or divorced.

So to the ladies who are fully in the drivers seat (esp those who initiated it), if hubby one day said "I cant do this anymore" or that first day had said "I cant do this", what would have been your reaction? I suspect it will be "oh of course it would have gone no further", but I'm curious... Do you think you'd have pushed it a bit the way husbands are so often said to? Also, what would the reaction have been if the husband had said "ok, but other couples only, no singles"?

It was chicup's post that got me thinking in this direction a bit. It seems the psychology of the male side (such as it is) is well analyzed over and over. I find the psychology of the female side far more interesting (esp if this is a woman's game where the men are just following along)

Personally, I really loved Savannahs post and I feel that there should be no "drivers seat" in any of this. I think the couple that is successful at it approaches it as equals with mutual respect and with the understanding that the minute one or the other feels uncomfortable it stops immediately. Of course women will be in the lead due to certain practical realities (mainly that women are a lot pickier in choosing a sexual partner), but when it comes to goals and desires, it should be mutual (unless of course one partner or the other WANTS to fully cede control)

I think there are definitely couples in this who shouldnt be; meaning that one or the other really does feel coerced into it. Thats very unfortunate, but of course those relationships were likely heading for one sort of disaster or another irregardless.

[JKlovers]

Well we haven't actually done anything yet, but if anything I think i'm the one more into it than my husband. I feel like i'm the one trying to convince him that it will be okay. Don't get me wrong, he also is extremely interested, and wants to do it too, but I think i'm the one that's been pushing it. So, no I do not feel coerced

[JKlovers]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

For the women who brought it up, and/or the women who are "driving", Im curious what would happen if the husband wanted to call a full stop.

Just playing devils advocate, but there seems to be a kind of general assumption that men could never possibly be uncomfortable with any of this (beyond initial feelings of jealousy and/or inadequacy), but I suspect thats not true.

I'd bet that there are at least a few couples where the husband brought it up, and then once it started, really wasnt so happy with how things were going, but is worried what might happen if he called a full stop.

Actually this is what happened in our case and that's why we have decided to wait a while before actually getting involved in the lifestyle. We both brought it up (we started confessing our fantasies over the phone while my husband was on a business trip). Once I actually started looking into it and started looking through ads, my husband started to freak out. He said he never thought I would actually seriously look into it, and he was concerned over how excited I seemed to get started.

Honestly if we don't ever end up getting involved with swinging, that's okay with me. Yes, I fantasize about it, but i'm not willing to risk my marriage over it. If he decides that it's not something he wants to do, then we wont do it. He's said the same to me.

[i_am_me]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

For the women who brought it up, and/or the women who are "driving", Im curious what would happen if the husband wanted to call a full stop.

I'm the one who started it. It came up 2 weeks into the relationship because I had to explain why there was this woman wanting to make out with me in the night club. So he knew that I was bi-curious from the start. We went through stages where we we more or less open, but basically I had these fantasies and I took him along for the ride.

He has never said that he wants to stop, but there have been times when it was mostly me that wanted it and I basically bargained for it. I promised to do other things for him so that he would share this with me. It still isn't his absolute favorite thing, but he likes the fact that it turns me on and makes me horny for a really long time. And we both feel that we should be ggg for the other. He is starting to like it more and more though.... He proposed that I bring someone home with us on Friday. And that was a blast.

I suppose if he really wanted to stop, we would stop. But I really don't want to stop!