Ever have one of those days.......

dutch51 · 07-13-2005, 03:32 AM

The following story is all true.No facts have been exagerrated for comedic effect.Only the names have been changed to prevent ridicule from the general swinging public(or generally swinging privates).

Ok,after many many days of flirting and playful teasing,we finally had a date set to meet a couple who had captivated our thoughts since the first time we contacted each other...This is the story of that wonderful day.....

We started early,dropping kids off at babysitters,getting some dinner.Than we were off.We had anticipated a long journey as they did not live anywhere that could remotely be considered "nearby".Good thing too,or this story would not be near as funny....

We were making good time until...Two thirds of the way through the trip the road disappeared.In a little town called "Bumfucknowheresville",they had decided the highway no longer needed to exist in the direction we were traveling.In the opposite direction the road was well maintained and looked very content.However in our direction,it was no longer anything but orange signs and a lot of gravel.But there was a detour.....

That conveniantly led us right back to the place where we had just been ten miles earlier.But we were determined.....

Striking out on our own we managed to find another detour.Oh how we rejoiced!!Finally we were on our way(albeit sixty minutes behind schedule). But what did we see ahead of us?

A military convoy.Two miles long.On a two lane highway.Did you know a military convoy cannot exceed forty five miles an hour?Trust us they can't. Must be to conserve their miles per gallon ratio.

Anyway,we finally saw our exit and ran for it.We were free(albeit ninety hours behind schedule).Now we would run.Run to the bar in "Wherethehellsville" where we would meet this lovely couple.

We were finally there.But as my wife looked in her purse for her lipstick and I was trying to avoid slamming headlong into some idiot driving ten miles an hour in a thirty five mile zone....we drove past the bar.

No big deal,we'll just turn around.OH NO! Turning around is forbidden in "Wherethehellsville".They can only makes streets that go one way.

Finally the travel gods smiled upon us and we were allowed to turn around. The logic gods however still hate us.Follow this thought...a left turn,plus a left turn,plus a left turn,plus a right turn...should have you traveling back the way you came right?

Wrong.A left turn plus a left turn...puts you on a highway you have never even heard of with no place to turn off and no exits for five miles.

Eventually we did some fancy manuevering coupled with some quick praying to St.Christopher,and arrived at our destination(albeit two hours behind schedule).

Walking inside we noticed them immediately.Whew,it would all be smooth sailing from here......Ohh we are soo naive....

After the initial exchange of greetings came an extra introduction,"and this is hubby's sister.She just stopped by to say hi."

DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!!!!!ABORT ABORT .

To her credit she was a lovely woman,great to talk to.But we couldn't help but wonder who the other couple had told her we were.I was hoping they said I was a successful OB/GYN,but I seriously doubt it.Here we were,horny as hell,just about to flirt our asses off and ...SSSCCCRRREEECCCHHH!!!

Thank god we have good swinger brakes.And could stifle our own laughter at the turn of events...."Hi nice to meet you...Oh us?...Oh we're just here to get your brother and sister in law naked...What brings you here?"

After flirting as much as possible without creating too much attention,and after bidding the sister good night.Who once again was a very pleasant sweet woman.The kind your afraid to ever be accused of speaking ill of because God himself will strike you down.We all retired to there house for the night.

The rest of this story involves me and only me.My wife and her hubby had a great time together.So great they are boring.So we shall continue with my increasingly more embarrasing shenanigans.

The fem and I find ourselves alone in a room.We begin to kiss.The heat rises...passions ignite...I start to nibble her neck and suddenly she abruptly snaps"CAREFUL".Instantly I pull back.Have I broken some unspoken "couple rule" ? Is she afraid I might be some sick gothic fuck about to taste her blood?

No she was warning me that her dog(who has some serious jealousy issues) was about to bite my ankle in half.Quickly I acted as if the fem totally disgusted me,and in the process saved my ankle.

Later in the evening...I find my hand caressing her lovely breast.Her hand envelopes mine.And she begins to squeeze my hand ever so gently,rhythmically....I think she is trying to guide me in the ways she likes to be touched...so I imitate her actions.Squeeze my hand,I squeeze your boobie...suddenly she clenches my hand tightly.I think"ok time to squeeze boobie harder".I squeeze and hear..."YYYEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!!!"

Instantly my wife and her husband(who both had been previously occupied just moments before) drop everything to stare in my direction.All of a sudden I look like the aggresive manhandler type.Ever wondered how fast you can repeat the phrase"I'm sorry,I didn't mean to,are you ok?".My record is thirty five times in ten seconds.

A little side note to the ladies.Have you ever considered starting with "ouch"?Ouch works on ninety nine point nine percent of guys.Ouch makes us stop in a heartbeat.YYEEEOOWWWW makes us look like manhandling scum.Plus it makes your husbands look at us like we're trying to kill you.Please for the safety of well intentioned play partners who misunderstand sexual cues..start with ouch ok?

Now back to our story...

Well here we are....the moment of truth...where the action gets hotter and your car windows fog up.....except...

Mr.Happy decided he did not want to be happy that night.Oh he was happy on the road trip.Happy in the bar.Happy during foreplay.But showtime....He went round the corner and had a drink.

I have never wanted to hit my penis with a hammer so bad in my life.

Well by now everyone is tired.Unlike Mr. Happy some of us were still awake.So we spent the night.

The next morning fem decided to walk us out and say goodbye.Her hubby was still napping.As we walked outside her dog tried to follow.You remember her dog...the one who wanted to use my ankle as a chew toy for flirting with his woman?

Anyway,not knowing if the dog was allowed outside at this time of day or not,I gently nudged him back into the house and closed the door.

The ominous CLICK in the doorjamb was followed by the fem saying"I hope that door was unlocked".

Yes it's true I locked a woman out of her house.Twenty four hours earlier I was hoping to impress her,at this point I was just hoping she would not run me over with a car.

We did at least make sure she found a way back inside her home before driving off.Hey we are romantics after all.And they are still speaking to us,so things must not have been all bad.Or they both just enjoy a good laugh.Either way,it was one hell of a trip.

And yes my penis and I did have a very long argument on the way home,during which my wife doubled over with laughter.Now I have two black balls(but I won the fight!!!) And my penis is no longer speaking to me.I lost my best friend of over thirty one years thanks to this trip.But at least it's funny.

Remember,if you can't poke fun at yourself,you got no business poking anybody else.

tracy1878 · 07-13-2005, 09:48 AM

gotta love ohio construction, eh dutch?

twoplayful2 · 07-13-2005, 12:31 PM

That was fairly entertaining. I guess I'm glad it happened to you so you could share the story with us

jennandjamesinm · 07-13-2005, 12:32 PM

dutch51 - Sorry about your secnic tour, but it was entertaining to read!!!

Jenn

ALilOEverything · 07-13-2005, 01:10 PM

Damn that had to suck (makes me glad to be the woman!)

Have you and Mr. Happy made up yet?

**two4youinswva** · 07-13-2005, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dutch51

I have never wanted to hit my penis with a hammer so bad in my life.

Glad to hear you have come through this with your sense of humor intact.
Hopefully there will be a "next time", and it will turn out much better.

destin-ez · 07-13-2005, 10:06 PM

Hi Dutch51,

(Mrs. here) I have to thank you for starting my day off with a laugh. Sometimes the day to day routine gets the best of us and we all need a good laugh. Have you thought about being a writer? JK Rowlings watch out here comes Dutch51!!!!

It was one of the most entertaining posts I have read for a long time. Thanks again.

Mrs. Destin-ez

curiousagain · 07-13-2005, 11:13 PM

I think I have broken a rib.

Have you ever heard the song "Dear Penis"?

I am truly sorry this happened to you but thanks for a rib busting post.

SBcpl · 07-13-2005, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Have you ever heard the song "Dear Penis"?

Dutch51: Snarf! Laugh! Giggle! There's red wine coming out my nose!!! Ouch!

Dear Penis (by Tenacious D) lyrics...

Dear penis
I don't think I like you anymore
You used to watch me shave
Now all you do is stare at the floor
Ohh, Dear penis
I dont like you anymore

It used to be you and me
A papertowel and a dirty magazine
That's all we needed to be getting by
Now it seems things have changed
And I think that you're the one to blame
Dear penis
I don't think I like you anymore

He sings:

Dear Rodney
I don't think I like you anymore
'Cause when you get to drinking
You put me places I've never been before
Dear Rodney
I don't like you anymore

Why can't we just get a grip
on our man to hand relationship
Come to terms truly how we feel
If we put our heads together
We just stay home forever
Dear penis I think I like you after all

Oh and Rodney
While you're shaving, shave my balls

~ B ~

DBL D · 07-13-2005, 11:52 PM

There has never been a post that made me shake my head the whole time with a discouraged look on my face.

Now there has! You both are to be commended. (And so are they!)

Male D

dutch51 · 07-14-2005, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SBcpl

Dutch51: Snarf! Laugh! Giggle! There's red wine coming out my nose!!! Ouch!

Dear Penis (by Tenacious D) lyrics...

[i]Dear penis
I don't think I like you anymore
You used to watch me shave
Now all you do is stare at the floor
Ohh, Dear penis
I dont like you anymore.....

~ B ~

Wifey here.... we've heard that song before, but couldn't remember where, now I'm laughing all over again after reading the lyrics, lol.

We are glad you guys can all laugh with us- every word hubby wrote is true and gets funnier everytime we think about it. Oh well, at least we know it's always going to be an adventure and when the crazy things happen, what can ya do but laugh? Oh yeah, and post something about it here so you guys can chuckle too.... lol

dutch51 · 07-14-2005, 03:25 AM

Hubby here.Glad you all enjoyed the post.To their credit the other couple involved read it and gave their approval so no lawsuits are pending.Like everyone we have our share of totally unpredictable experiances.

The trick is to laugh and move on.In our particular situatuation the potential for a real friendship was too tempting to stop us no matter what got in our way.I think that is glaringly apparent.

So to those of you who smiled a little harder than usual today.Thanks.That's what we were after.

And no my penis and I have not made up yet.It could take a few months.For right now,he pisses,that's it.I even have wifey hold him for me. Screw that malfunctioning little overgrown clitoris.

Have fun...

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07-13-2005, 03:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
dutch51 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 392 Location: Ohio Status: happily married	Ever have one of those days....... The following story is all true.No facts have been exagerrated for comedic effect.Only the names have been changed to prevent ridicule from the general swinging public(or generally swinging privates). Ok,after many many days of flirting and playful teasing,we finally had a date set to meet a couple who had captivated our thoughts since the first time we contacted each other...This is the story of that wonderful day..... We started early,dropping kids off at babysitters,getting some dinner.Than we were off.We had anticipated a long journey as they did not live anywhere that could remotely be considered "nearby".Good thing too,or this story would not be near as funny.... We were making good time until...Two thirds of the way through the trip the road disappeared.In a little town called "Bumfucknowheresville",they had decided the highway no longer needed to exist in the direction we were traveling.In the opposite direction the road was well maintained and looked very content.However in our direction,it was no longer anything but orange signs and a lot of gravel.But there was a detour..... That conveniantly led us right back to the place where we had just been ten miles earlier.But we were determined..... Striking out on our own we managed to find another detour.Oh how we rejoiced!!Finally we were on our way(albeit sixty minutes behind schedule). But what did we see ahead of us? A military convoy.Two miles long.On a two lane highway.Did you know a military convoy cannot exceed forty five miles an hour?Trust us they can't. Must be to conserve their miles per gallon ratio. Anyway,we finally saw our exit and ran for it.We were free(albeit ninety hours behind schedule).Now we would run.Run to the bar in "Wherethehellsville" where we would meet this lovely couple. We were finally there.But as my wife looked in her purse for her lipstick and I was trying to avoid slamming headlong into some idiot driving ten miles an hour in a thirty five mile zone....we drove past the bar. No big deal,we'll just turn around.OH NO! Turning around is forbidden in "Wherethehellsville".They can only makes streets that go one way. Finally the travel gods smiled upon us and we were allowed to turn around. The logic gods however still hate us.Follow this thought...a left turn,plus a left turn,plus a left turn,plus a right turn...should have you traveling back the way you came right? Wrong.A left turn plus a left turn...puts you on a highway you have never even heard of with no place to turn off and no exits for five miles. Eventually we did some fancy manuevering coupled with some quick praying to St.Christopher,and arrived at our destination(albeit two hours behind schedule). Walking inside we noticed them immediately.Whew,it would all be smooth sailing from here......Ohh we are soo naive.... After the initial exchange of greetings came an extra introduction,"and this is hubby's sister.She just stopped by to say hi." DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!!!!!ABORT ABORT . To her credit she was a lovely woman,great to talk to.But we couldn't help but wonder who the other couple had told her we were.I was hoping they said I was a successful OB/GYN,but I seriously doubt it.Here we were,horny as hell,just about to flirt our asses off and ...SSSCCCRRREEECCCHHH!!! Thank god we have good swinger brakes.And could stifle our own laughter at the turn of events...."Hi nice to meet you...Oh us?...Oh we're just here to get your brother and sister in law naked...What brings you here?" After flirting as much as possible without creating too much attention,and after bidding the sister good night.Who once again was a very pleasant sweet woman.The kind your afraid to ever be accused of speaking ill of because God himself will strike you down.We all retired to there house for the night. The rest of this story involves me and only me.My wife and her hubby had a great time together.So great they are boring.So we shall continue with my increasingly more embarrasing shenanigans. The fem and I find ourselves alone in a room.We begin to kiss.The heat rises...passions ignite...I start to nibble her neck and suddenly she abruptly snaps"CAREFUL".Instantly I pull back.Have I broken some unspoken "couple rule" ? Is she afraid I might be some sick gothic fuck about to taste her blood? No she was warning me that her dog(who has some serious jealousy issues) was about to bite my ankle in half.Quickly I acted as if the fem totally disgusted me,and in the process saved my ankle. Later in the evening...I find my hand caressing her lovely breast.Her hand envelopes mine.And she begins to squeeze my hand ever so gently,rhythmically....I think she is trying to guide me in the ways she likes to be touched...so I imitate her actions.Squeeze my hand,I squeeze your boobie...suddenly she clenches my hand tightly.I think"ok time to squeeze boobie harder".I squeeze and hear..."YYYEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!!!" Instantly my wife and her husband(who both had been previously occupied just moments before) drop everything to stare in my direction.All of a sudden I look like the aggresive manhandler type.Ever wondered how fast you can repeat the phrase"I'm sorry,I didn't mean to,are you ok?".My record is thirty five times in ten seconds. A little side note to the ladies.Have you ever considered starting with "ouch"?Ouch works on ninety nine point nine percent of guys.Ouch makes us stop in a heartbeat.YYEEEOOWWWW makes us look like manhandling scum.Plus it makes your husbands look at us like we're trying to kill you.Please for the safety of well intentioned play partners who misunderstand sexual cues..start with ouch ok? Now back to our story... Well here we are....the moment of truth...where the action gets hotter and your car windows fog up.....except... Mr.Happy decided he did not want to be happy that night.Oh he was happy on the road trip.Happy in the bar.Happy during foreplay.But showtime....He went round the corner and had a drink. I have never wanted to hit my penis with a hammer so bad in my life. Well by now everyone is tired.Unlike Mr. Happy some of us were still awake.So we spent the night. The next morning fem decided to walk us out and say goodbye.Her hubby was still napping.As we walked outside her dog tried to follow.You remember her dog...the one who wanted to use my ankle as a chew toy for flirting with his woman? Anyway,not knowing if the dog was allowed outside at this time of day or not,I gently nudged him back into the house and closed the door. The ominous CLICK in the doorjamb was followed by the fem saying"I hope that door was unlocked". Yes it's true I locked a woman out of her house.Twenty four hours earlier I was hoping to impress her,at this point I was just hoping she would not run me over with a car. We did at least make sure she found a way back inside her home before driving off.Hey we are romantics after all.And they are still speaking to us,so things must not have been all bad.Or they both just enjoy a good laugh.Either way,it was one hell of a trip. And yes my penis and I did have a very long argument on the way home,during which my wife doubled over with laughter.Now I have two black balls(but I won the fight!!!) And my penis is no longer speaking to me.I lost my best friend of over thirty one years thanks to this trip.But at least it's funny. Remember,if you can't poke fun at yourself,you got no business poking anybody else.
	__________________ smiles M (wifey) and A (hubby)

07-13-2005, 09:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
tracy1878 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 96 Location: Central Ohio Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:tracy1878	Re: Ever have one of those days....... gotta love ohio construction, eh dutch?

07-13-2005, 12:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
twoplayful2 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 218 Location: Riverside, CA Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:twoplayful2	Re: Ever have one of those days....... That was fairly entertaining. I guess I'm glad it happened to you so you could share the story with us

07-13-2005, 12:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
jennandjamesinm Care to join us??? Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 1,460 Location: Northwest Mississippi Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:jennandjamesinms	Re: Ever have one of those days....... dutch51 - Sorry about your secnic tour, but it was entertaining to read!!! Jenn
	__________________ "Swinging is the women's amusement park, and men are just along for the thrill ride." ~ James

07-13-2005, 01:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
ALilOEverything A Little Of Everything Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,847 Location: Michigan Status: M. Female Swing Lifestyle Name:aliloeverything	Re: Ever have one of those days....... Damn that had to suck (makes me glad to be the woman!) Have you and Mr. Happy made up yet?
	__________________ ~Lilo

07-13-2005, 10:06 PM	#7 (permalink)
destin-ez Here to Stay Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 51 Location: Wisconsin Status: Very Happily Married Swing Lifestyle Name:destinez	Re: Ever have one of those days....... Hi Dutch51, (Mrs. here) I have to thank you for starting my day off with a laugh. Sometimes the day to day routine gets the best of us and we all need a good laugh. Have you thought about being a writer? JK Rowlings watch out here comes Dutch51!!!! It was one of the most entertaining posts I have read for a long time. Thanks again. Mrs. Destin-ez
	__________________ ~If you can't get off....don't get on~

07-13-2005, 11:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
curiousagain A gentleman never tells Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 2,131 Location: Southeastern USA Status: half of a couple	Re: Ever have one of those days....... I think I have broken a rib. Have you ever heard the song "Dear Penis"? I am truly sorry this happened to you but thanks for a rib busting post.
	__________________ Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

07-13-2005, 11:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
DBL D Oh...Why not?... Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,312 Location: Northern Call-ee-forn-ee-ah Status: Married Couple	Re: Ever have one of those days....... There has never been a post that made me shake my head the whole time with a discouraged look on my face. Now there has! You both are to be commended. (And so are they!) Male D
	__________________ "Just nod if you can hear me..." David Gilmour

07-14-2005, 03:25 AM	#12 (permalink)
dutch51 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 392 Location: Ohio Status: happily married	Re: Ever have one of those days....... Hubby here.Glad you all enjoyed the post.To their credit the other couple involved read it and gave their approval so no lawsuits are pending.Like everyone we have our share of totally unpredictable experiances. The trick is to laugh and move on.In our particular situatuation the potential for a real friendship was too tempting to stop us no matter what got in our way.I think that is glaringly apparent. So to those of you who smiled a little harder than usual today.Thanks.That's what we were after. And no my penis and I have not made up yet.It could take a few months.For right now,he pisses,that's it.I even have wifey hold him for me. Screw that malfunctioning little overgrown clitoris. Have fun...
	__________________ smiles M (wifey) and A (hubby)

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