Funny Stories and More?

[Elusive BiFem]

In another thread, someone was asking about what to wear to clubs. Mrs. Good Times post about her first experience going to a club. Read about it here.

I thought that was so comical but even more, I thought, good for her! Telling a tale on herself. Someone else, in another thread, was asking if people don't make things to complicated. You can read about that here.

Ok...so this got me to thinking...those of us new or with less experience might think that everything always goes just perfectly for "seasoned" swingers, hence...sometimes making things far too complicated and just simply over-thinking things. I thought it would be great if some of you would share some of your funniest stories...sort of like the American Home Videos of Swinging. You know how you fall out of the chair laughing when the dog "noses" the guy as he's pulling in his fish and he falls off the bridge. Admit it.

So how about sharing your stories...funny, embarrassing, or otherwise. It'll give us all something to laugh at and just maybe, when something happens to a newbie, they can look back and think, "Well, at least I didn't do THAT!!"

Thanks, Ms. Good Times, for sharing and for the idea. - EBF

[ALilOEverything]

Oh this is such a timely thread, I definitely want to hear how human everyone else is as we are just getting out feet wet in the club scene.

I had a moment where I had a suddenly thought I could be humiliating myself. Only moments before we left the house I started my period...EARLY nonetheless. Well I was picked in a drawing to get up and dance showing a little skin. I was wearing a skirt with a black thong, I got up there hiking up my skirt and wiggling my ass to the music as I was bending over. Well just as I finished I had this mortifying thought that my tampon string could have somehow gotten exposed. I was so flushed and it was all I could do to get to the bathroom just to make sure. I actually felt panicked about it as I totally forgot I was on my period. It was all okay but I don't know how I would deal with it if I had actually embarrassed myself. I prefer nothing bad to happen until we at least get a few visits under our belts or I may never make it back.

[mrs good times]

Ok here's another one that I can't seem to live down.

We are at the club again but I was on my period so we had no intentions of playing but we were having fun visiting and dancing. A couple we had been with before asked us up to their room. I explained the situation and the female half said "so, you can still have fun from the waste up, right?". So we went with them. While the two men and the female were having fun I was sitting on the edge of the bed facing the center watching and touching all of them. I sat back a little to far and FELL OFF THE BED. To make matters worse I fell and landed with my back on the step to the hot tub OUCH! The three on the bed were so dumb founded that they just looked at me for what seemed an eternity. Boy, did I feel like an idiot laying on the floor with my legs in the air. And of course all of the laughing afterwards kind of ruined the sexual moment.

[Elusive BiFem]

Having to do with flexibility in regard to bisexuality...and having had a string of really bad vanilla-type dates...I decided to give up on men altogether. And that led to this story. (Keep in mind...WR is making me write this story. She has been determined for months that I would tell this on the board.)

Anyway...having given up on men, I decided to take advantage of the flip side of that coin as a bisexual and seek a relationship with another female. So I proceed to post an ad...you know...female seeking female. Lo! Someone responded. She e-mailed me, I responded, we ended up chatting on the phone...same age, etc. However, she did tell me she was a Lesbian. But that was OK since I was just experimenting anyway. She said she was not seeking a "fluff." I didn't know what that was, so I figured I wasn't that. She then asked if I was butch as that was her preference. Well, how would I know, I asked. And she said a butch wears jeans and is kind of masculine. Well, I thought...I wear jeans all the time and I was quite a tomboy in my youth, and I was definitely sick of men...so it stood to reason I must be butch. Just call me butchy. Close enough to what some had been calling me.

So we decide to meet for dinner. I wear my spiffiest jeans - ironed with creases of course. And my little black boots along with my nice little flannel shirt with a zipper in it and my turtle neck underneath...the perfect butch outfit, I thought. I got my make-up just right, carefully fixed my hair in that scrunchy style I was wearing then and proceeded to the restaurant.

Coincidentally, we pulled into the parking lot at the same time. I immediately recognized her as she had done a wonderful job of self description. As I approached her...with my perfectly tousled hair and bright pink lipstick, the first words out of her mouth - not even a hello! "You're not BUTCH!" Totally crestfallen, I stared at her - almost with tears in my eyes - and said, "I'm not? I thought I was. Then what am I?" Her reply..."You're a girl."

But we went on in to the restaurant and had dinner anyway. It was fun. I still didn't understand exactly why I wasn't a butch, but of course, I never really knew what a butch was. I just thought that since I wore jeans, I must be one. As we sat there and ate and she talked loudly, I realized this would have never worked anyway. She was far more comfortable with anyone knowing the particulars with her sexual identity than I was.

So, this experience ended my brief excursion into the world of lesbians. I left there thinking, men might act like real jerks sometimes, but as least I know what to expect, and they never seemed disappointed in what I was. Obviously not a butch. So back to being just a b*tch. I know how to be that.

- EBF

[wrnakedru]

You just wait until later or tomorrow, when everyone is back from their weekend pursuits and they start reading the threads they've missed. Guarantee you - you are gonna be owing folks some keyboards for the ones they ruin spewing their coke or coffee while reading that story. It just cracks me up to picture it.

My dear, sweet friend, wonderfully wise about so very many things with the suprising naivite' of a child regarding many others. You showed me the outfit you wore to your dinner meeting the day you told me this story the first time - I already had tears rolling down my face from laughing with you. You displayed the outfit and said "Don't you think it looks even a little bit 'lumberjack-ish', sort of ?" I just gave up and sat on the floor at that point, holding my sides - which were truly aching by that time.

I can just picture it, you so determined - jaw set just so - and before you're even allowed to utter a word - deflated. Poor thing!! But it was for the best, after all, she had no sense of decorum whatsoever - - that would have driven you bonkers.

And I don't think being a b*tch is necessarily a bad thing. After all, there are good b*tches and there are bad b*tches. The bad ones use the slightest opening or opportunity to wield with zeal even the slight amount of power they may possess in any given situation. It does not matter if their victim is undeserving, helpless, unsuspecting, or even a child or small animal - they feed on the superior feeling they perceive they gain as if it is their personal manna.

Good b*tches show their claws only on rare occasion. Their ferocious side comes out almost solely in defense of others, sometimes unknown to them, sometimes their loved ones, but often it is most vehement against those whose nature was described in the prior paragraph. Injustice can set these good ones into a frenzy that refuses to be quieted until their task is accomplished to their satisfaction.

I think all of us have a mixture of the good kind and the bad kind in us. But one is always pre-eminent.

You, my friend, are a good b*tch!

WR

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by wrnakedru

"Don't you think it looks even a little bit 'lumberjack-ish', sort of ?"

Okay, I was giggling out loud but then I definitely lost my sierra mist across my keyboard at that statement.

That is definitely a great story, instead you should have explored your bisexual side in a stip club so you could have learned all about those darn lap dances while you were at it too I've been naive about many a thing too and I always like to look back and laugh at how silly I was.

[wrnakedru]

EBF has never been to a swinger's club or a strip club. She has promised in a vague sort of "one of these times" kind of way to go with hubby and me one night to one of the local off-premise swingers clubs.

HOWEVER - one night on chat - well you were there so you remember - she did promise - in front of witnesses that hubby and I could take her to a strip club for her birthday [September 25th ] so she could see for herself exactly what a lap dance is.

Recently she referred to those plans when we were on the phone, saying she was maybe finally going to see a lap dance. I informed her there was no maybe about it. And she said what do you mean - you don't know if we'll see one or not. I of course informed her she would be seeing one very up close and personal as I would be purchasing said lap dance for her. And that she could either pick out the dancer or I would. She asked "You have to pay for those things??"

Sometimes she is such a silly b*tch!

[wrnakedru]

Not me but too funny not to tell.

I know it's true, I was there and the lady asked for help afterwards.

[This was told on a thread last fall, so pardon the repeat for those who have already read it]

This happened at a large party in someone's home several years back. The lady in question and a male had adjorned to one of the bedrooms and after disrobing, began fondling and kissing. This led to a bit of oral play [her to him] which he stopped from going on too long, saying he wanted to "save himself". He then proceeded to return the favor by performing oral on her. After a bit that was quite agreeable to the lady, she became aware there must be some sort of problem.

He seemed to be struggling with something, but would periodically return to the task at hand - but then pull back and by now was using his hand with the problem.

Seems the male had been chewing bubble gum [for God knows what reason] and neglected to remove it before the activity. So there was the lady - with bubble gum tangled throughout her [fortunately] small amount of pubic hair. Neatly trimmed as it was, it still had managed to "snare" a goodly portion of the gum.

Any thought of further activity was gone. The male was apologizing profusely, offering assistance. She asked what he suggested - he didn't have a clue. She went into a bathroom, wrapped a towel around herself and came looking for help.

The hostess and I were good friends with her so it fell to us to "cure" the problem. We tried our best with ice, and a comb. A difficult task under the best of circumstances, but with the lady reacting to the ice, and the two of us shaking with laughter - it's a wonder we were any help at all.

We did manage finally to get most of it out - only a small amount of strategic "trimming" had to be done to accomplish the task. But the event pretty much took the three of us out of play for the balance of the party.

Once you start laughing that hard, that is pretty much how the rest of the evening is going to go. Too funny! Even the lady can laugh about it now.

WR

[mrs good times]

No fare wrnakedru we want to hear one about you now. EBF tell us one.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by mrs good times

No fare wrnakedru we want to hear one about you now. EBF tell us one.

I know Mrs. Good Times. I harassed her the entire day yesterday about this. She insist - swears! - she doesn't have a funny story to tell on herself. I can hardly believe that since she is the walking/talking epitome of funny. Believe me...I'm on the look-out, tho'. If I hear of anything - or think of anything...I'll be the first to post it.

Also, I was thinking...anybody want to bet that most of the posts to this thread will be made by women? Now come on guys...we know ya'll do some goof-ball things, too.

- EBF

PS: as for those lap dance things...how was I supposed to know you had to PAY for those things? I thought it was part of the entertainment package. I was quite indignant when I found out. But actually, I'm wondering if I should wear my butchy outfit?

[mrs good times]

Heres one that Mr. posted on another thread and said I could put it here.

This reminds me of a funny story that happened to us. My wife and I went to a strip club and after a while their was a girl on stage that I wanted to get closer to. So I got my dollar ready and sat next to the stage with my best "rub your tits on me" pose. The stripper came and knelt down in front of me and said "is that your wife over at the table?" After reengaging the brain in my head I said " yep, sure is." she then said "have her come over here." so I did. The stripper then took my dollar and placed it between my wifes breasts and proceeded to rub all over her and snatch the dollar with her own breasts. She then looked at me and said "What did you think of that?" I thought about it for a second and then said "I think I just got ripped off, she (indicating my wife) has her own dambed dollar." Story of my life, another dollar gone with no satisfaction.

[good times]

For the continuing education of EBF, and a story


When you are at the strip club (most clubs work this way anyway), If you sit next to a stage when the stripper is doing her main act, and you place a dollar in front of you she will come around at the end of her act and give you a little appreciation for the dollar (most common is to put the dollar in your mouth and take it from you with her tits).

A lap dance is done at the tables or couches away from the stage and usually casts $20.00 to $30.00 dollars and lasts for one song.

For a lot more if its available she will take you to the back room where they usually have better couches and you get the same lap dance as you would have at your chair.


Note - these are reno prices - prices in your area may differ.

This reminds me of a funny story (not at the time) of the education of Mr. and Mrs. Good Times.

We were at a local strip club, P and I and one of her girl friends. I had never had a lap dance (I'm kind of cheap so before this I would wait for someone else near me to get a lap dance, and then move as close as I could and observe carefully). P's friend decided that I had reached the point in life where I might suffer permanent mental or emotional damge if I didn't get a lap dance for myself, and right quick. She proceded to fetch the homliest girl in the place and I imediately called a time out and explained that even though she was paying for it, I was fully capable of choosing my own girl. I finally choose a suitable girl for further study who then gave me a very good lap dance for $20.00. Then P's friend told us that the lap dances were even better in the back room. Well she worked on P for a while and next thing you know P decided to buy me a dance in the back room. So we pick a girl and P asks if it is ok for her to come back and watch and the girl said "sure no problem". So back we go and the lap dance was ok but not as good as the first one. After we were done P says to the girl "how much do I owe you" and the girl said "Let's see its $35.00 for him and $35.00 for you to watch" After p got over her initial shock at the price she dug around in her purse and realized that all we had was $50.00. She told the girl this and the girl said "No problem the bar can get you cash on your credit card" So p goes to the bar and for an additional $25.00 they ran her card for $20.00 + $25.00 handling fee. And that is the story of my $95.00 lap dance.

[ALilOEverything]

$95 for a lapdance!!! Wowza Remind me to not attend strip clubs in Nevada. I'm definitely in the wrong profession, could you imagine how quickly I could get my debt paid off??? Now I can see why so many women want to do it. Personally though, when I give a private lapdance I would probably be a little disappointed it didn't go any further.

[Hapycmpr]

I've seen threads before on what was your best or favorite moments in the lifestyle, but my favorite moments are ones that make me laugh. What are some of your funniest moments in swinging?

We had invited a couple over to play that we had previously met for dinner and liked. Like many of you, we have a code word that we use if either of us feels uncomfortable in an encounter. For this particular evening, we decided that one of us would get a leg cramp if things weren’t going well.

We started out the evening with dinner, pool and some soft fooling around. This quickly progressed to, “hey…let’s all go to the bedroom!” The 4 of us adjourn to the Queen size bed and begin to get serious. Several minutes into it…I actually DID develop a leg cramp! Patti was looking at me like I was nuts…she thought the evening was going very well and couldn’t figure out why I wanted to put a stop to it…especially mid coitus!

So, I had to explain that I really did have a leg cramp! She explodes into uncontrollable laughter which makes me bust up as well. Needless to say, our guests were both a little dumbfounded. We explained the situation and we all had a good laugh.

But that’s not the end. The cramp refused to stay away. Have you ever tried to put on a condom with a leg cramp??? It’s near impossible! We decided that all we needed was more room to stretch out, so myself and my playmate for the evening went into the other bedroom so we could have a bed all to ourselves. The doors were open and we could see our respective SO’s. Again, the cramp just refused to stay gone, but I managed to keep going. Just as my playmate was cumming, she too got a leg cramp and made sure we all knew it!

So now, Patti and her guest join us in the spare room, and we all lay on the bed laughing and trying to massage each other’s legs. I guess you had to be there, but this is my funniest moment that I can remember.

[Tia Vampire]

We were at a party over the weekend and i heard this guy talking about one of the girls he was with. He said that her clit was so big that he felt like she was french kissing him with her puss. I busted out laughing. Just a couple of minutes later the girl came walking by and he asked her to show it. She did. Then he asked her to french kiss him with her puss. To my surprise she knew what he was asking and did it in front of everyone. He came up with a big ass smile on his face and said, "every woman should be able to french kiss with her puss". Everyone busted out laughing. I think it would have been funnier if you were there, but thought i would share because i thought it was funny as hell.