To preplan potential playmate or not?

[anonymous_nc]

Ok I would like to get others opinion /advice on this:

Recently hubby and I were invited to a house party. The house party invite was sent using "e-vite" where people can rsvp and you can see who is planning on attending.

So we sign up and see that one of our favorite couples is planning on coming. Hubby and I mention that we hope to end up "playing" with them at the party, if they do come, as we usually always do.

So party comes and this couple is at the party. Everyone is having a good time and there is a lot of flirtation going on between us and this couple.

During the night the wife of the cple and myself go to the bathroom. She is telling me how hot my husband is and we are just kinda b.sing, and I mention that as soon as my husband found out that they were coming, we hoped to end the night playing with them.

The wife did a total 360 and said in a very serious voice "You really shouldn't plan who you want to play with before a party"....

Ok so how do u take that?...I took it as she was telling me they were not planning on playing with us...So after that I take my hubby aside and tell him so that he is aware as well.

Well 10 minutes later the wife of the other cple is all over my husband, which really throws us off...Now I know that we should probably have just been direct with them...but we werent so we may now never know why the mixed signals...

Anyways...here is my actual question....Do you preplan who potential playmates could be when going to a party or club...or is it in fact wrong to plan who you might play with....isn't it the same as if you are invited over to a cples house, knowing you might play.

We have talked to several cples about this (excluding any names of course) and most seem to do the same..some even mention having "fall back cples", but wanted to get other opinion on what they do.

[BiloxiCouple]

There are people that I would really like to play with. The lady should have taken more as a compliment. But she reacted without probably thinking.

My list is more of who I won't play with. And I hope I would never tell them. Sometimes after we get to the party we can look at each other and know that someone is off limits.

You also brought up some about "fall back couples". Never thought of this before. Interesting. There is an A list and a B list so to speak. Or just a couple you fall back to in case others don't happen. I wonder if any others have this thought process?

[sweet_tna]

We don't plan who we'll play with at a party. We like the spontenaity of see what happens when we get there. And the only "fall back couple" we have is us.

But I do know couples who've had "dates" for a party or meet & greet. If that works, it's all good.


That said, I do find that other couple's response a bit puzzling . . . Maybe the other wife decided she was flattered that ya'll were so happy they would be at the party?

=)

[JustAskJulie]

I don't think you should ever EXPECT to play with someone just because they are there... or even if you attend with them. We've gone to clubs with good friends that we'd have no trouble playing with at all but it's always the most fun when everyone knows they are open to do whatever/whoever they want and if everything works out to play together the door is open as well.

I can kinda see where her reaction came from but it was a bit harsh and I think that perhaps she realized that and that may have been where her actions came from later (flirting, etc). I think more than anything she didn't want you to assume that just because they were there that you would be playing with them.

[slevin]

For us it's more about not having any expectations of whether we'll play with anyone. We do that when we're meeting a couple outside of a club; go for drinks with the intention of only having drinks and nothing more. That way we don't get our hopes up about anything happening only to be disappointed. This may be all she meant (as advice) rather than an indication of her not wanting to play with you that night. I know that we learned this the hard way

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by slevin

...This may be all she meant (as advice) rather than an indication of her not wanting to play with you that night. I know that we learned this the hard way

I tend to feel this way, too. She may not have said it as gently as she'd like, it may have just slipped out of her mouth rather bluntly, but I make those kind of faux pas often enough that I can see how it happened.

Originally Posted by anonymous_nc

Do you preplan who potential playmates could be when going to a party or club...or is it in fact wrong to plan who you might play with....isn't it the same as if you are invited over to a cples house, knowing you might play.

We may hope we get to play with a couple at a private party, but we never let them know it's our "plan" to because we can't expect that.

Private parties are for meeting people and you never know how the night will go until you get there. Even when you know a great couple you have played with before and will likely do so again, the night might not be meant for playing with them.

Sometimes that couple is in a different mood, or not open for playing, or are interested in meeting new people, or have their mark on another couple they've played with before. It's best to go into a party keeping things unplanned.

Parties aren't the same as a private meet with one couple in their home. That is totally different to me because there you only have each other, there aren't any other people to choose from. You either play with each other or you don't play at all. When going to a couple's home you usually discuss ahead of time (or you should) what you all have in mind and it would be wise to let them know beforehand if you're interested in playing.

This couple sounds like they are still very interested in you guys. Keep the door open and in the future, take her advice, don't plan on things set in stone when attending a house party.

Keep your options open and remain flexible.

LM

[VegasLee]

We never plan on people we may play with at a party, we don't even plan that we are going to play at a party.

We go with open minds and see what happens. We have found it is to easy to be let down when you plan things in your mind and they don't come through.

I won't say "planning" is wrong but it is a sure way to be let down later.

[2inVT]

If you're going to plan to play with someone specific at a party, you need to discuss it with them first.

Some people don't want to commit ahead to setting up playtime with a couple at a party. Some do.

Where it goes bad is when one couple plans without making sure the other couple is on board with it. By telling her that "we hope to end the evening playing with you," it makes it sound as though this is what you've planned, and you expect them to agree. Better to ask them when you want to play with them.

[fun4Ds]

We sometimes have head over heels, high hopes, about a paticular couple or even single before we get there. If there is a list.

I suppose you might call that planning, but we call it scoping for our play targets

I think the females responce was more about. If you plan it might not work out. I think

I mean, I thought that was the purpose of having a list....

[good times]

Nope, we don't make plans to play with anyone ahead of time, and in fact, have said to people that made an assumption that we were going to play with them, just because we were there and they were, almost exactly what she said to you. It was not that we weren't interested in playing with them, it is just that we make no plans when attending a party ahead of time as a general rule, and are usually at the party to meet new folks, not hook up with people we already know.

Sometimes, we will discuss playing with someone at a party before hand and then go ahead and play with them at the party. But we rarely do this, we actually have a name for this, we call it "taking sand to the beach". Fact is, we go to clubs and parties to meet new people, if we want to hook up with folks who are already playmates, why go to a party to do it?

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by good times

Nope, we don't make plans to play with anyone ahead of time, and in fact, have said to people that made an assumption that we were going to play with them, just because we were there and they were, almost exactly what she said to you. It was not that we weren't interested in playing with them, it is just that we make no plans when attending a party ahead of time as a general rule, and are usually at the party to meet new folks, not hook up with people we already know.

So true.

Never make assumptions when it comes to playing. You know what they say occurs when you ASS U ME. We've agreed to meet people at a party, but have made it very clear that meeting them was the only guarantee. We've frequently been at house parties where we didn't play with our friends. Why? Well, because we can play with them another time. If there's a new couple, they may not live as close, or we may not have an opportunity to see them again. You may plan yourself right into a corner.

The only sure thing is the one who 'brung ya. Other than that, plans are out.

Pepper

[two42lovers]

we actually have a name for this, we call it "taking sand to the beach"

We have a very casual approach, but if we go to a big party it means we are traveling, and we often take sand to the beach - anywhere from one to several couples. We don't "expect" to play with anyone, but we usually do play with everyone we go with -lol! We also spend lots of time meeting new people. By going with friends, we know chances are good. (It's not an "expectation", it's just a reality - the people we go with are friends, and we planned the whole thing together.)

If we happen to run into a couple we have played with before at a party, best bet is don't assume anything. If we all are flirting and it seems like they are up for it, we'll say, "hey you guys, we'd love to play with you tonight". People don't want to feel like they are obligated to spend the evening with someone just because they've played before. Best to be laid back, have fun, and go with the flow.

[good times]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

If we happen to run into a couple we have played with before at a party, best bet is don't assume anything. If we all are flirting and it seems like they are up for it, we'll say, "hey you guys, we'd love to play with you tonight". People don't want to feel like they are obligated to spend the evening with someone just because they've played before. Best to be laid back, have fun, and go with the flow.

Best advice so far, in my opinion.

[SnowwwWhite]

If someone had said to me what you said to her, I would have felt an immediate obligation was being put on my shoulders. She probably overreacted a little with her quick, terse response... but it's totally understandable.

She was probably flattered that you wanted to play, but didn't like feeling obligated in any way. If she and her husband were focused on other couples and wanted to have a fun night meeting new people, your expectation could have put a big damper on them. She just wanted you to be clear that you can never expect anything from anyone.

Sounds like she was giving you good advice... just maybe not as gently as you would have liked.

[Playful1]

I don't plan, so much as look at the list and make a "i'd like to play with' and 'i dont want to play with' list. Then at the party, I focus my attention on the people on the want to play list, and so far 100% of the time it has worked out fine.

I think going in with an idea of who you'd like to play with is a good idea.

That said, I actually dont really like the e-vites. i think if you like the couple hosting, and trust their taste in people, you shouldnt have to see everyone else who is coming.