Do you try to coach people when they aren't doing it right?

[BradAndJanet]

In another thread we've been talking about kissing...bad kissing to be precise. That got me wondering about something.

When you've encountered someone that you really liked as a person and were attracted to, but found that their technique in some areas, be it kissing, oral sex or whatever, was lacking, have you ever taken it upon yourself to try and teach them a better way to do things? Or, did you just move on and let it be?

It seems to me that there is risk involved and that misunderstandings and hurt feelings could easily result, but that there might also be reward in teaching someone to become a better lover. It also seems to me that we'd all be better off in the long run.

I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts on the subject.

-B

[Vespertine]

I usually move on and let it be.

I'm not very dominant in bed. I'm not the type of woman that will scream "a little to the left...right there, NO THERE!....harder, softer....that's it....now just a little to the right..."

If I have to give direction, it kills my mood.

Usually I find if I'm really into someone, whatever they do to me drives me wild. I might use subtle gestures, like guide their penis with my hand if I want them to use deeper strokes, or whisper in their ear to go slower or faster, or whisper encouraging words when they're doing what I really like...

But if they really do something that I dislike, I won't give them a detailed account on how to please me. I'd feel too weird.

[northindycpl]

What a great post! I have often wondered about this myself.

Mr. Indy has always been a very adaptable lover. For example on kissing;

When we first started to date, Mr. Indy would very gently kiss me the first few times. I personally, like a little bit more pressure. Mr. Indy was very receptive, without me ever saying a word, and he just 'picked up' on my style. I had never had that happen before. It was awesome!

Now, I am a pretty assertive gal, mind you.. so there really isn't a subtle way I do much But I find that the direct approach to learning something different is the best. I would never criticize, but I would try and teach something different. Even as the years go by with Mr. Indy, my tastes change. I love to share the new things I think of and learn, with him. Maybe it is something I read in a book, or saw in a movie, I can't wait to get upstairs and show him! I think it says a lot about the unconditional passion we have together, and the outstanding communication skills between us.

If the relationship is one that you think is worth the pursuit of a long term committment- in every other aspect- why not bring something different, and a way to teach it to the table. Afterall, is that a part of the thrill of swinging anyway?

[Denver2some]

It took me years to get to a point where I could "give direction" to my SO. (Thankfully, I figured it out before I met Mr. D2S.) I don't think I would feel comfortable directing a playmate, unless he was doing something that hurt. Surrender

Besides, a lot of the fun for us in swinging is experiencing someone else's style. Asking someone to finetune things to better suit our specific tastes might lessen the novelty of it all. Viva la difference! facelick

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

If the relationship is one that you think is worth the pursuit of a long term committment- in every other aspect- why not bring something different, and a way to teach it to the table. Afterall, is that a part of the thrill of swinging anyway?

I agree.

If I am developing a relationship with someone special that I intend to play with over time, I will find ways to teach them what I prefer. I would hope they would do the same for me.

I love to learn new techniques and am always ready to improve. Many times, as Vespertine pointed out, you can be subtle in your approach. Receptive people will pick up quickly.

LM

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I love to learn new techniques and am always ready to improve. Many times, as Vespertine pointed out, you can be subtle in your approach. Receptive people will pick up quickly.

LM

Janet,

I re-read your post and wondered if you are asking for opinions to do it or not, or are you looking for tips on how to do it?

As I previously stated, I am not the most subtle gal I know. I try to be, but I have a really hard time on picking up other peoples subtle hints. I would love to hear others technique related experiences...

For example, We were with a couple, and this woman decided to play with me. (Mrs. Indy) Which was fine. She kept grapping my hips really hard. I continually tried to move her hands, and then low and behold she would grab me again. It was a very uncomfortable (painful) grab. It completely ruined the experience for me. I was trying to be very subtle. Moving her hands over and over, but she just didn't get it. To tell you the truth, I just sorta faked an 'o' to be able to get up quickly without hurting her feelings and went over to my husband to play. I felt very badly about faking it. She was really trying to give me her all, so to speak, but the constant grabbing was just miserable.

I would love to hear some examples of subtle hints. I completely agree with LM and I love to learn new things, and share those I know. But in some instances, specifically in the heat of the moment, how are you subtle?

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

I would love to hear some examples of subtle hints. I completely agree with LM and I love to learn new things, and share those I know. But in some instances, specifically in the heat of the moment, how are you subtle?

Mrs Indy -

I am still new at swingin'. Knowing how I handle other nonsexual "heat of the moment" experiences, I can tell you I am often not too subtle.

Maybe I better wait until I have an experience similar to yours before I start making suggestions.

So far, all of my directing has been during soft play when it was very easy to get the message across.

LM

[dave110256]

I love to be told "just how to do it" by my lover. If I'm not doing something just right , I want to know about it. On the other hand, I'm very careful about saying anything negative under the sheets. This has a tendancy of spoiling the mood. So my advise is to maybe be a little quiet if things aren't just right, and let it all out when it feels good..........they'll get the hint.

[EvilMJ]

I have no problem letting my SO know if there is something that needs adjustment once and awhile....directing him to the 'spot' if you know what I mean.

But I would be uncomforable doing the same thing with someone else.

My friends husband does this 'kissing thing' that I don't enjoy at all, so like Vespertine I just let it go and move on.

[Bama0468]

As far as I am concerned I prefer the Lady let me know what she likes and how, after all I aim to please, but even I need a hint now and then

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

Janet,

I re-read your post and wondered if you are asking for opinions to do it or not, or are you looking for tips on how to do it?

...

Actually, I'm Brad...

I was just wanting to get a discussion going on it and see what people thought, but tips are good.

What I would do goes like this:

"Mmmmm, that's nice {smile}...but try xyz...yeah...oh yeah...a little whatever ...that's right....oh yeah....(and, hopefully) unnnnnnngh...yessssssssssss... ahhhhhhhhhh.

I have found that positive reinforcement and gentle guidance work pretty well in most situations.

-B

[J & K]

OK...we are working with cpls and people who aren't our S/O's so what is to say they know how well you like something!!!

We all like things in certain types of ways, but when dating that is the time to learn this. I like it when my wife gives head, but don't expect another lady to do it the same way.

To fix this ask before starting for example, "What turn's you on?" "Is there a way you like it done?". Then there are those who want you to find the turn-on's. Do it upfront in asking and not durning. If durning one can take it as "Power Play" and get turned off.

Ask and go with the flow.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by J & K

To fix this ask before starting for example, "What turn's you on?" "Is there a way you like it done?". Then there are those who want you to find the turn-on's. Do it upfront in asking and not durning. If durning one can take it as "Power Play" and get turned off.

I'm not very verbal when it comes to my own desires but I do make a point to ask whomever I'm with if they enjoy what I'm doing to them. I do this while playing.

Is this a bad thing?

Mind you, it's not a constant communication thing. For instance, I might be giving a hand job, I may ask (in a seductive way ) If they like it this way or that way. Or if I'm giving a man head, I'll make a point to watch his facial reactions (for clues) while I'm gobbling (is that a word? ) him up.

Is this a turn-off?

[DBL D]

You all knew I had to respond to this one!

Vespertine, you are very perceptive in that you are interested in (by asking) whether or not what you are doing to someone is received well. But that is the flip side of what I think Brad was saying. (And put yourself in anothers' "moccassin" for a moment.)

If you are the "receiver" and the "giver" isn't asking the same questions you might ask when you are "giving" then why wouldn't you tell him/her how you want it done? I know from my experience that it's rare that people just click right off like Mr. & Mrs. Indy did and so when we talk of how we've taught our SO a thing or two, why wouldn't we do the same for our partners. It makes it more interesting to me.

I would agree that the heat of the moment isn't the best time to start "instructing". I think this is for the couples who have been with each other more than a few times. The first time experiences should probably be left to run their course.

So...(Uh-Hum)...I wouldn't mind getting some advice or mind giving advice under the right conditions.

Male D

[Sean_n_Jen]

One of the biggest reasons we're in the lifestyle is to learn new things, and to bring home what we learn. So we certainly hope those we play with will not be afraid to teach us.

We realize that what's good for one may not be for another, or for us, but it's a lot fun learning anyway.

We also know, form our own life, that teaching another to be better for you isn't easy, so we do understand all who said they would have a hard time. We have, however, learned that its better when we can express what we like, and what would make it better for us.