New to swinging and clubs - expectations?

[Raven]

First, I'd like to say that this seems like a great site from what I've read so far. I'm looking forward to reading more and hearing your replies.

My other half and I have experienced a threesome (FFM) with my best friend and us, but were looking to expand our horizons. We've talked for some time about swinging and have finally decided to go to a club in our area. This is definitely an On Premises club, so we're expecting to see a good deal of nudity and actual sex. At least...I'm guessing so? And we're going in open minded. We've established our personal boundaries and that we wish to stay together for the duration (we've read some couples split up and randomly meet back together throughout the evening but that isn't for us). We also know that we will need to be comfortable with the other couple or single female before anything progresses, so we aren't necessarily expecting a sexual experience tonight. We're going with the intention of seeing how things work and to have a good time, nothing more. We feel that with that mindset, we aren't setting ourselves up for a major disappointment if things aren't what we expected. In fact, our only concern is our age difference and if that will matter to prospective partners (I'm 32 and he is 52).

All that said, this will be new territory for both of us and neither of us has ever been in this type of setting. What can we expect from our first visit to a club? Any tips or suggestions that any of you have?

Any advise is appreciated and we welcome your comments.

Raven

[OhioCouple]

It sounds as though you have yourselves pretty well grounded on what to expect and not to expect.

I'd like to make a couple of suggestions though. In our experience clubs can be a great way to meet other people if you don't sit back in a corner and just observe. (I am not talking about an expectation of sex.) Of all the clubs we have been to, many people already know each other and sort of stick to their known friends. Be sure to ask the club owners (if they don't offer) to give you a tour of the club. It probably wouldn't hurt to ask if they would introduce you to some of the other memebers as your touring the club. If they do not, be sure to make eye contact with others as you are passing by them and say a polite hello with a smile on your face. Many will recognize (based on the tour) that you are new and may go out of their way to at least come over and chat with you at some point through the evening.

Don't expect other couples to just walk up to you. Arrive early and introduce yourself in a casual way and then go on about your evening. Don't hesitate to tell them that you are new to the club and make a few comments about how nice the club is...etc. Just general chit chat. We have me many couples by doing just this.

Also, based on our experiences, don't expect to be seeing live sex acts in every corner. Certainly you will see a lot of sensuality and sexuality being expressed, some naked bodies or scantily clad ones but for the most part people will go to a private room, close the door and enjoy themselves. Those that enjoy perfoming sex acts for public viewing are in the minority, not the majority.

And finally (bet you thought I'd never finish... ) don't worry about your age difference. I am 42 my husband 57, neither our age differences or our ages alone have ever been a factor in not attracting other swingers of all ages.

Go have fun and we expect a full report tomorrow!

Oh, yeah, by the way....Welcome to the Board!

Lori

[Raven]

Thanks for the welcome!

Yes, I'd say we're both pretty well grounded in our expectations because we've both made an effort to research this before jumping into it. There's nothing better for us than to have a realistic light cast onto the situation rather than those proverbial rose colored glasses. lol

The club we're attending (Virginia Friends) is held in a local hotel, reserving an entire floor. We plan to 'make the rounds' tomorrow night at the main dance event, but tonight is a preliminary 'meet & greet' type of event. The hosts do offer to introduce you to others and we may very well take them up on that. You see, both of us tend to be rather quiet and introverted in large crowds and we already know we will need to make an extra effort to meet others. We both up to the challenge though.

We do realize that there won't be nude couples copulating everywhere but we also intend to investigate what has been described as the 'group room' which I would assume ??? means group encounters. We are basically prepared for any situation be it total nudity or none at all. I guess we will see for sure how things go once we get there.

Glad to hear the reassurance on the age situation. For us, we don't particularly look that far apart in age - most people think I am older than I actually am because of my attitudes & general nature, and that he is younger than he actually is based on his looks. Ultimately, I guess it evens out. As was mentioned in another thread, there are different people of all types in the lifestyle, it's just a matter of finding a match. For us, we aren't looking to bed the first couple who walks up to us, but to make friends and go where it leads from there.

And I'll be sure to give a full report on the experience.

Raven

[Raven]

Well, we went to the Friday night get together. There was a wide variety of members (age, weight, economic station, etc.) and most everyone seemed friendly enough. I must admit, however, that it was not anything like we were expecting from our online research. We were anticipating a much more polished setup, based on their website's description and others we had looked into, than what was actually provided. The majority of the evening was spent in a lounge with everyone smoking, drinking & dancing - much like any bar or honkey-tonk in the area. Since neither of us smoke, and rarely drink, it wasn't exactly a match made in heaven, but we gave it the benifit of the doubt and hung around. After midnight, we saw the private areas of the hotel that had been set up, and came to the conclusion that the club situation was not for us. Perhaps because we are both more reserved and quiet, the bar scene is what turned us off or maybe that there seemed to be little in the way of a selective process between the couples (basically random groping of everyone). Either way, we decided to just continue to look for another couple on our own - someone more in line with our interests and habits. If nothing else, it was a learning experience for both of us. Raven

[OhioCouple]

What you attended was actually what is commonly known as an off-premise club or a meet and greet social. It is much different than an on-premise club where actual nudity and sex occurs. The type of club you attended is really a great way to get your feet wet when you are new to swinging.

You may at some point want to attend and on-premise club just so you get a grasp for the differences in how they operate. I had assumed you were going to an on-premise club in my prior response to you. It is also important to note that clubs (whether they are own premise or off) tend to vary in the types of attendance they have each week.

We are not club goers by first choice as we don't care for all the smoke and the loudness of the music, but have and still do attend them on occasion with some of our friends.

I'm glad that you left though with a proper perspective and as you gain more experience in the lifestyle, you'll better define what fits your own needs.

Lori

[Roxysbayou]

Originally posted by Raven
came to the conclusion that the club situation was not for us.

Raven, we have experienced both an off-premise club, and a group social. The social that we attended sounds a lot like the event that you described. We found, at least with this group, that we didn't fit in. We were very disappointed and considered it a wasted night, especially since we don't get many. When we first got there the person at the door (which was the same person that invited us via an internet pay site), seemed very cold and was very unwelcoming. It was in a bar setting in a hotel. There was not a very large crowd, and most couples there already seemed to know each other. No one talked to us, not even the ones that we knew from the paysite. We were left feeling very uncomfortable, and soon left. Maybe it was our age, most were a lot older than us, maybe we just weren't part of the group, who knows. I can honestly say that I will never attend another function like that.

On the bright side, the first time that we attended an off-premise club we were welcomed with open arms. The owners immediately gave us a tour of the club, and introduced us to some other couples. Lots of people came over on their own and introduced themselves. It was a totally different experience. We had a blast! It is also a bar type atmosphere, there is a dance floor, and lots of tables for mingling. It is hard for us to go often, it's nearly two hours away, but I will not go anywhere else. I have learned my lesson so to speak.

The moral of the story, don't give up because of one bad experience. All clubs are different to a degree, you just need to find the one that you enjoy.

[Raven]

Lori & Roxy,

Actually, it was a combination of On & Off premise type setups. The initial gathering in the lounge was in a public area of the hotel, so it acted as an Off-premise situation where everyone could meet, dance, talk, drink, etc. The private area provided after midnight was treated as On-premise, with couples mingling in whatever attire (or lack thereof) they chose. We didn't stay very long in the private area, but had we I'm sure there would have been quite a show. I think part of the problem is that what we were expecting from reading their website (a bit more polished, I guess) and the actual fact of the social weren't the same. Neither of us are particularly into the bar scene (smoke & loud music), though we can appreciate that others are, and we are both quite descriminating in our selection of partners (which didn't seem to be par for the course there). Perhaps we read that wrong, but it truly seemed to be more of a free-for-all than any selection process per se.

We did get to meet and talk to several new people, however, though none I would say that we particularly meshed with - just nice folks in general. We actually were able to talk to others more easily before the social started (mostly other newcomers like ourselves) than during it where we had to practically shout over the music. We didn't ask the hosts to introduce us to anyone because they were either running the registration table, or not to be found. It was as if once the dues were taken in, they were done. I was a bit disappointed in that, as I was hoping to get a better feel of the club through them. Then again, maybe I did get a feel for how this particular club is run after all. I'll most likely never really know for sure.

All in all, I can't say it was a completely negative experience. We did get to talk to some new people, go somewhere different, and realize some new parameters for our future endeavors. For now, simply bringing a friend or two in from time to time will suffice. We haven't given up and we plan to look into other options in our area. In a worst case scenario, we'll simply keep our eyes open for that special other couple to share some time with and see where it leads. Thanks for both of your comments and ideas. This is still an adventure in the making - we're just still in our learning curve. lol

Raven

[Handyman69]

Raven

The majority of the evening was spent in a lounge with everyone smoking, drinking & dancing - much like any bar or honkey-tonk in the area.

We also have found this in the clubs we have been too. Although little more sensual and sexual. I can't say we totally were happy with things but did have a good time. I wonder if you might have had more fun if you have been with a couple you know. I realise you are still looking around for one. We had the pleasure of another couple on both occasions and feel it let us have more fun. We interacted but not a whole bunch.

Either way, we decided to just continue to look for another couple on our own - someone more in line with our interests and habits

As stated above...if you can find a couple, you might want to try the club scene again. At least for us, it kind of loosened us up and put a spark in for the fun after the club.

We are planning on attending more clubs and really are looking for an on premise club. Just feel it was easier when we didn't go alone.

I wish I knew all the answers but hey, we are learning as we go.

Rhonda

[Chicup]

Raven - We too have found about the same situation, and while the clubs can be fun for socializing and people watching (mostly non-sexual) its not our cup of tea either. We have found some nice couples on the internet and it has worked out well (though it can be slow finding the right couple).

[Vjklander]

We went to Virginia Friends several years ago. It is fun as far as having a good time and socializing etc. We had fun. From a sexual point of view though, there were definite cliques which tended to alienate newbies and 'others'. After attending several other clubs around we found this to be typical. Bear in mind that we are both large people (mid 200s) and we realize that has a lot to do with it. We found that it is much better to find people individually on the net who are accepting of our size in advance. Saves a lot of hard feelings, time and money. We actually find nudist and bdsm clubs to be much more accepting of us than swingers clubs. We alos much prefer to get to know people a bit too. One man stated that the whole purpose of swinging was to get to fuck another guy's wife. That really was a big turn off for us. Just don't see it that way and aren't interested in those who do.
If you want to go to a club for a fun evening with kinky people, by all means go, just don't set your expectations to high. If you don't hook up, hey, you had a fun time yourselves. If you do hook up, great !!
J

[Raven]

Vjklander, I am by no means trim either (230 +/-) but am proportionate, while my other half is quite fit. On the night we attended, there were a number of other large couples, so I don't think that had much to do with it - though it could have I'm sure. Yes, we did see the cliquish behaviour as well from many of the regulars. For both of us I think a good portion of the problem is that the whole bar scene doesn't appeal to us. Also, though we talked to several nice couples, there seemed to be little selective process and we were looking for someone we actually felt a connection with and attraction to. This comment really sums up the attitudes we found:

By Vjklander: One man stated that the whole purpose of swinging was to get to fuck another guy's wife.

This was the predominant attitude it seems when we were there. It really didn't seem to matter that the people didn't really 'know' each other. I could have a one night stand by picking up anyone from any bar in town. For us, the whole point was to meet like minded people and build a friendship with the potential to develop into playmates. Maybe my expectations were above what actual practices are, but I'm just not out for a 'score' and not interested in being with someone who is.

For us, I think looking through the net for other couples as Chicup mentioned, and maybe looking into the nudist set as you suggested would be good options. As Rhonda mentioned, it may have been different had we gone with someone we already knew to this sort of gathering. I'm not going to completely rule out clubs under those circumstances, but at this point I think we're best served by going another route. Luckily for us, we're both very open sexually and have a great time just on our own.

Raven

[Handyman69]

For us, I think looking through the net for other couples as Chicup mentioned, and maybe looking into the nudist set as you suggested would be good options.

Although we use the net, it also has its problems. it get discouraging sorting through the Nuts, wanna-be's, singles(not what we want) and CHEATERS, Lets also mention the picture collectors and lie'rs. We have met a few nice couples but be prepared to put in the time and effort.
We have decided to put our effort to meet people at clubs so we can meet real people face to face. As you mentioned we are not looking for one night fucks, we like the friendship aspect of it all.

John

[Chicup]

Hmmm I just got a email telling me someone responded to this thread....odd....2 years later.

Anyways an update here would be in order. We have started to go to clubs and will most likely do so more in the future. The internet is a nice starting point, but to many pretenders, posers, and people who are not what they claim to be.