Are we just doomed to failure?

[JandCMI]

A little background - We aren't newbies by any means. We have been with several couples, but unfortunately, only two couples for repeat performances. We both know exactly what we want and who we want it from. We aren't hung up with jealousies or issues and aren't in to drama or nonsense that may interfere with anyone's good time.

Ok. So here is our deal - we both just don't like the clubs. We have been to a few in the past but we just can't get past our dislike and discomfort with the atmosphere and all the games that go along with it. Not to mention the "best" club in our area is something like $50 per couple to get in - a ripoff (in my opinion) considering the night may not even end with us getting laid Aside from that, we are both just horrible dancers. I won't even embarass myself by trying and my wife...well she is about the same way. On top of that, we really don't know any "cliques" of people we can hang with. So really it's sort of pointless to go if you're going to be a wallflower on top of not really knowing anyone.

We get the standard spam invites to parties through Swing Lifestyle and Swappernet but we don't go to those either. We have actually never been to any kind of on-premise party for a few different reasons. My dick size is clearly on the small end of average and would feel way, way too self-conscious when in the company of men far larger and more confident than me. I'm just one of those guys with "size issues" and that's a barrier

That said, we rely on Swing Lifestyle and Swappernet to meet people and, as you can imagine, that pretty much is a waste at times. We have had SOME luck in the past with these sites but usually it's just people who don't reply, people who contact you first then vanish when you reply, people who misrepresent themselves, etc etc. And for whatever reason, we seem to get an awful lot of people that tell us they just aren't attracted.

We are young (early 30s and late 20s), have our shit together, don't smell, aren't grossly obese or unattractive and can actually manage to hold our own in conversation. Are we pretty much out of luck if we are unable to get past our barriers to going to the clubs? What can we do to possibly break into going to the clubs? It seems this is where the action is (as far as meeting/connecting with people goes) and unless we are there, we are missing out.

[iapr]

You are never doomed to failure untill you see yourself as doomed to failure. There are lots of people that do not do the club thing and for good reason, clubs can be loud and smokey and with so much going on it can be real hard to talk to someone and get to know them enough to reach a comfort level adequate to lead to any kind of playing.

If you don't like the club scene what do you like? Whatever it is I betcha good money there are thousands of other people across the country and probalby hundreds within a few hours drive that enjoy the same thing.

Find an envirnment that you are comfortable in and set up your own little meet and greet around that activity. Let's say you are a golfer, organize a little golf outing in your area and invite people to that. If you are a boater invite folks to your own little swinger regatta out on the lake.

I could go on and on but you get the point. Whatever your interests are there are others that share the same interests and that gives you a place to start. All you need is a few hours of some fun, non threatening interaction with some similar people to know if there is an attraction and chemistry there and if there is you can take it from there. And if there isn't at least you were able to make some new friends and had some fun doing an activity you enjoy anyway. Even people who do enjoy the club scene would like to get out and do something different now and then so take some initiative and organize a little meet and greet around an activity that you enjoy and feel comfortable in.

Now then about this dick size hang up, that is a whole other topic. We all have our own body image issues but look at it this way, if every guy that didn't have a huge member didn't swing because he wasn't big, swinging wouldn't exist. If every chick that had cellulite or stretchmarks didn't swing because of the cellulite and stretchmarks, swinging wouldn't exist there either. Only the super models would be left but they wouldn't swing because they'd be to busy barfing up their celery sticks.

I am an average sized guy and like all guys wish I was bigger but if a burning bush appeared before me and gave me the choice of having a huge dick or having a good babysitter that we could rely on and would be availble when we wanted and that we could afford I would take the babysitter without a second thought. My lack of dick size has never interferred with me doing what I or any of my partners wanted to do but the lack of babysitters has stopped us in our tracks many many times.

[pumpkins1970]

We feel your pain JandC, neither of us dance very well and really have never hung with or belonged to any "clique". We have tried a few swingers meet and greets, an off-premise dance, just not really our thing. We do however enjoy meeting people in smaller venues, usually for dinner or a drink and progress from there. We rely soley on our ad on Swing Lifestyle to make connections, we were members at a cpl of other sites, but have just had better luck on Swing Lifestyle. The one drawback to using online sites is you get alot of no responses, here-today gone-tommorrow incidents, and people stringing you along. Doomed to fail?...nah just keep trying I guess.

[good times]

I don't know if you are doomed to fail or not, but I suspect not. But I will say that to be successful in anything in life involving others, you need to go where the people you are interested in meeting are. If you want to show dogs then you need to go to the dog shows. Likewise, if you want to meet swingers then your best bet is to go where the swingers are. In our experience that is the swingers clubs and swingers parties. I have said many times that if we had to rely on our Swing Lifestyle add to be swingers, we probably would have given up on it long ago.

As far as you not being dancers goes, a lot of people at clubs are the same as you. If someone asks you to dance, just politely tell them you don't dance. I have women tell me that all the time, I have never thought less of them because they don't like to dance. Lets face it, we didn't come to the club just to dance, so if they don't want to dance, and I am interested in doing other things with them, I just move the conversation along in other directions. I have also yet to be to a party or club were I had to show everybody my penis before we got to the play room, so I wouldn't worry to much about that one either.

If the club is a good one, then $50.00 is a pretty good deal. At our local clubs we pay $30.00 to $40.00 to attend for the evening. For that price we have the opportunity to meet 15 to 30 couples on average. The way I look at it is that in 5 years of paying for an Swing Lifestyle membership we have met less real swingers through our add than we have at any one or two visits to the club. So, which is the better deal? The clubs by far, in my opinion.

So, while I don't think someone is necessarily doomed to failure if they don't go to clubs or parties, I do think they are going about it the hard way.

[WildMiCouple]

I can understand your frustration. When we first started going to the dances, we noticed the cliques too. But, the more we went and the more couples we met, the less we noticed those cliques. Now, when we go to a dance, we usually know someone that we can stop and chat with. This usually leads to meeting others. And meeting couples does not necessarily mean sleeping with them And if we don't see anyone we know, we just start mingling and meet some new couples. Clubs are our favorite way to meet new people.

I get the impression that you two may be a little shy. Being shy can be very difficult in the dance/ club scene. To meet others, you may have to open up and start being more outgoing. Don't be afraid to ask to sit at a table with a couple empty seats. Strike up a conversation with someone in front or behind you as your waiting for drinks or on your way to the restroom. Compliment someone to start up a conversation. Swing clubs are a very proactive environment. To be successful, you may have to change or adapt your game

Currently, our favorite club is a bar whose owners are swingers. They have fri and sat meet-ups. We like the bar scene a whole lot more than the "wedding reception" style of the usual dances. Just easier to mingle and meet others. Perhaps that would suit you guys better. Shoot me a pm and I'll give you the info if you'd like.

Good luck and don't give up on the club scene yet. It's by far the best way to meet others.

Brett

[Menage_a_Trois]

We can understand your frustration, we have been there ourselves, remember we all started where you are at. I know you said you were not newbie’s, but that has nothing to do with being stuck at the point you are at.

You stated:

Originally Posted by JandCMI

Not to mention the "best" club in our area is something like $50 per couple to get in - a rip-off (in my opinion) considering the night may not even end with us getting laid

This is entirely the wrong attitude going into attending a club! You have to look at the admission cost of going to a club like this....
(1) You are paying for a chance to meet other like minded couples face to face.

(2) You get to see what they look like and you get to interact with them, to see if they are first a couple you would be interested in and secondly if they would be interested in you.

And
(3) You get to do that in a relatively short amount of time (when compared to running and ad, sending out emails, chatting on line or phone, arranging a meet up with them, etc.).

I know the feeling of "not being part of a clique". However, the truth is most clubs are not as cliquish as it may appear, but their regulars do tend to hang out and interact with each other. We have found that if you introduce yourself and attempt to get to know them, they are usually very friendly and receptive to meeting new people. It may take a few visits, but before long, you will know people and the "clique”, feeling will go away, just be patient it takes time. We have been attending clubs off and on for 11 years, mostly on premise clubs, and I have yet to attend one that did a "dick check" or required you to show what you have, and I have never seen you required to run around naked unless you wanted to (except for maybe getting in the hot tub). As for your hang up over being smaller than average is something that should not be an issue unless you make it one.

Originally Posted by JandCMI

We have been with several couples, but unfortunately, only two couples for repeat performances. We both know exactly what we want and who we want it from.

Unless you are looking for exclusive playmates or only have a small circle of exclusive playmates (and this takes a lot of effort and time to cultivate), for the most part you are like the rest of us. Yes we develop friends along the away, well that's just icing on the cake.....but you try to meet people that you get along with, are attracted too but don't necessarily have to become best buddies. So just like the vanilla world, you have a lot of acquaintance but very few close friends and the same is true for the lifestyle. The unfortunately truth about the lifestyle is that 80-90% of the people you will encounter and play with will most likely be a one time thing.

There are several reasons for this:

1 - You meet a couple from out of town visiting...............everything clicks on all levels - you play and you never see them again...

2 - The same can hold true for local couples, you meet, you get along, you click, you play and it was great, it was ok, it was not going there again.........what ever the outcome - but for whatever reason you feel that there is just no reason to see this couple again.

3 - The other couple is not interested in seeing you again............because believe it or not you will run into many couples you play with that you have fun with and are ready to have helping #2 however, they aren't - it's just something out of your control.

Initially when we were in the lifestyle for the first couple of years this seemed to both us but we came to the realization that we are not dating these people, we not need exclusive relationship with them, we are all here for the same reason and that is the variety of experiencing others.

I hope that you approach life with the attitude that you will try anything once. Hopefully you also have the mindset that if the first time wasn’t that great you’ll consider giving it another chance as sometimes things do improve or grow on you with another try at it…………the lifestyle, clubs, playmates are all things you should really give serious consideration of meriting a second chance to prior themselves. Hope this helps…

The Ménages

[JandCMI]

Originally Posted by WildMiCouple

I get the impression that you two may be a little shy. Being shy can be very difficult in the dance/ club scene.

This probably sums us up pretty well...We do just fine meeting people for dinner, etc, but if you put us both in a club type environment where neither of us really know anyone - forget it. I wish there was a magic switch we could just flick and we could be outgoing in that environment and not feel completely awkward and like asses.

Thanks for the replies. I guess this was just more of a vent than anything. I think we have many of the qualities that other people would want in play partners, but since our efforts have really been futile of late using these websites, it gets you thinking that its your own fault in some way.