Couples who don't play at a swing club

[Wildthingplus]

Question: What the heck is up with those couples who go to a swing club and all they want to do is dance & have a few drinks? My husband and I observe this behavior all the time. We see couples come in to a club, dance a while, then leave. I thought the whole point of going to a swinger's club was to swing! Seems like a no-brainer to me.

[jm77723]

We know what you mean. That happened to us a few weeks ago. Another couple sends us an email on Swing Lifestyle and chats with us. He sends us a picture of the wife topless and two pics of his penis. We then meet for casual drinks and discuss that we are into swinging. They are interested and have gone to dances but have not done anything yet.

So now we meet them at a local swingers dance, they get a room and we all start to drink etc. At one point I ask her to dance and she turns me down!!!
Hard to believe. We find out they they only wanted to come to the dance to dance with eachother and play with eachother.

So like you we don't understand these people. You come to a swingers dance or club; what do you expect???

[kevin&danielle]

Well I can understand couples going to a club to see what it is like and only stick to each other but it does seem strange for a couple to be going to a club for 5 years and never doing anything. We met just such a couple last fall We talked to them for over an hour before they revealed this fact to us

[VegasLee]

I hate to say this is the "norm" anymore. Believe it or not, there is more couples that go to clubs and don't play then there is couples that do play. We have seen this in many clubs. Not just the one we host at. Many of them been going to the clubs for years now also.

The part that kind of surprised me for a while was the people that will spend the big money to go to swingers conventions and they don't play at all.

They are there for the atmosphere and the excitement but they will not play with anyone but their own Spouse. MOST of the people that come to the swingers convention are NOT swingers in the true sense of the word.

Welcome to the new lifestyle. Surrender

[VanHlebar]

Wow.. that seems like a pretty steep price to pay for what would essentially be a cover charge to get into a bar. I understand going maybe a few times to see if it is your thing or not, and I can even understand going just so you can have sex in open places with your spouse or SO, but to go and then just leave seems like a pricey night out to me.

-Van

[WesternSwing]

We see it quite often and really don't have a problem with it. These people just like the more liberal atmosphere then what is usually encountered at a vanilla club, which sometimes is just a meat-market fashion show with a bunch of young pretties right off their 21st birthday and thinking they're being hot by dancing with another chick. And their boyfriends get all hot about it until some guy looks at their girlfriend and then the liquid courage coursing through their veins takes hold and you have a fight on your hands.

See, I have more problems with posers at vanilla clubs then those open-minded sorts that like swingers parties, even if they don't play.

Mr. WS

[good times]

Our observation has been about the same as Lee's, in fact, most of the people we see at the clubs aren't even swingers by my definition. Then again, we have been accused of this ourselves before. The reason for that is twofold;

One - we hardly ever play at the club itself, we do sometimes, but very rarely. We just prefer playing at home so will often meet new playmates at the club but then adjorn to one or the others house for play.

Two - We are pretty picky when it comes to hooking up for play and it isn't uncommon for us to attend a club party and not find anyone who interests us sexually.

So someone that didn't know us but observes us at the clubs might get the impression that we don't play either.

[aztecgirl]

Trying to introduce the idea of swinging to my husband & I was thinking a good way would be just that. Going to a club & just being with eachother. I would want to play or swap w/others but I think the 1st few visits would be to not play. I think after a few visits without playing would be enough though. I get the sense that it begins to feel like a strip club w/out getting paid.

[gandm00]

I would'nt be too hard on those that stick to themselves. When we started out we were much like that, dancing together and being very nervous when ever anyone approached us. It took us a year before we met a couple who made us comfortable enough to get started. That was 4 years ago.
But during that year when we stuck together we did enjoy ourselves. The sexy atmosphere and the feeling of naughtyness fueled many a good night between us. Of course now that we are right in the swing of things it's even better.
It just takes some couples more time to get involved. Let them advance at their own pace.

[bear_and_babe]

I know several couples who go to our club who do not play. Their reason for going to a swing club is that everyone understands that no means no. They hate going to vanilla clubs and having to deal with the drama that sometimes can happen at vanilla clubs.

And I also have to agree with good times. Sometimes we go to the club and for some reason we just don't see anyone we feel like playing with. So Bear and I will just dance, play pool, hit the hot tub and have fun with each other. So I guess if someone new watched us they would assume that we are not true swingers.

Frankly, if Bear and I ever decided to not play anymore we would still go to the club to dance and be with each other. I find that swing clubs are a lot more friendly and open then vanilla clubs. I have a hard time remembering how to act in vanilla bars. They tend to get upset at vanilla clubs when you dance topless!

[JnCC]

I don't know...I go to Karaoke bars but I don't sing. I go to sports bars but I don't watch the game. I go to dance clubs but rarely dance. What's the big deal about going to a swing club and not swinging?

Seriously...I'm probably one of the people you're talking about. A friend and I have been going to a couple of the local clubs about once or twice a month for the last 6-8 months, but we haven't played with anybody. At first, I took her there just to feel her out, and get a sense of whether or not she was OK with this stuff. I was pleased to learn that she was...but because we're still relatively new with each other, there hasn't been any pressing "need" for either of us to be with anybody else during that period of time. She has a few fantasies (as do I) that involve others, and when we meet the right person or persons, I'm sure we'll explore them. But for right now, we're happy to play a little pool, hit the hot tub, maybe flash some T&A or trade an occasional "cheap grope" with passersby in the social areas...and fuck each others brains out.

We're not turning our noses up at this. We both understand that if and when we do meet somebody we're interested enough to "cross over" with, we're just gonna do it. We've already discussed rules, boundaries, basic "requirements" that the other person/persons must meet, and whatnot. We just haven't met the right people yet.

Something else that factors into our seeming "non-interest" in playing at clubs is that we don't live together, and we're both free to see other people. So it's not exactly a "novelty" for either of us to have sex with somebody else if that's all we want to do. Everybody needs a little "strange" from time-to-time, and being single puts both of us in an excellent position to get it individually. Hence, the notion of a relative "quickie" in a room with a stranger loses some of it's attraction when compared to an entire evening spent with a "date."

I DO understand some folks discomfort at non-players in certain areas of a swing club. When I did this with my ex-, it used to annoy the Holy Piss out of us that some clubs would allow people in street clothes to wander around the premises all night, as if we (the active participants) were circus freaks, there to amuse those too uptight to get naked, get down, and fuck. I'm still sensitive to the issue, which is why if I sense that we don't "fit" into the activities or the general mood of a certain area of a club, we'll quietly leave the area or retire to a room.

Sorry for the long post, but it was a good question, and it deserved a thorough and complete answer.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I hate to say this is the "norm" anymore. Believe it or not, there is more couples that go to clubs and don't play then there is couples that do play. We have seen this in many clubs. Not just the one we host at. Many of them been going to the clubs for years now also.

The part that kind of surprised me for a while was the people that will spend the big money to go to swingers conventions and they don't play at all.

They are there for the atmosphere and the excitement but they will not play with anyone but their own Spouse. MOST of the people that come to the swingers convention are NOT swingers in the true sense of the word.

Welcome to the new lifestyle. Surrender

Hey Lee, I'll bet if you opened a club specifically aimed at soft-swingers you get just that: soft-swingers...but then give them a few visits and their exhibitionist streak will start to unfurl. Without the "intimidation" factor, whether real or imagined", of a full-swap on-premises club, more couples would likely be a little more bold. You know how it is: you tell someone they can't do something, and what do they do?

[Wildthingplus]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one experiencing this problem. However, I'd like to address the issue of going to a sports club and not watching the game, going to a dance club and not dancing etc...What the Heck for? If I go an amusement park, for goodness' sake, I'm there to ride, not wander around!

Yes, I understand people like the more lenient atmosphere than what you find at a regular club, but Geez, people, on a Saturday night at a crowded place, there's got to be someone you find appealing enough to play with! However, we can tell who the players are, even if they choose not play that particular night. But, I was feeling kind of awkward at a couple of the clubs I went to, because the non-players were sending out vibes of "This is no longer a swingers' club. We've invaded and you're no longer welcome here." I think so many non-players really subtract from the club environment.

[Pepper & Drew]

We've never been to an on-prem club, but I'd be willing to bet if we did that we'd be the folks that were just hanging out.....and we ARE swingers. It's just that I'm not into putting on a free show and Drew can't really relax if he's worried about someone that I don't want touching me is touching me. Hell. we go to off-prem parties and more often than not, we don't hook up with anyone that night. Now, we may meet up with them later, on a couple to couple basis, but I can understand people coming to spend time with like-minded people, but aren't necessarily on the prowl.

Pepper

[Better Half]

We are newbies so we have a limited perspective compared to most. Who knows, maybe a year from now we will go back and read our own early posts and wonder how we could have been so stupid.

For our first brush with swinging we decided to go to an on-premise club. We didn't know anyone the first night, and we were definitely like fish out of water. We certainly didn't play because we didn't even know if we would continue down the road. We had sex in a room by ourselves (doors and blinds closed) because just doing it in a semi-public place turned us on. We essentially did the same thing the next night. So we certainly did not play with anyone else, but then again it was our first two times in a club.

When we look back on this a year from now maybe we will feel different. Right now I compare it to a regular organization of which I am a member. We have lots of members that pay their yearly dues and then never show up for the activities (which are free). Some people complain about the people that never come out, but not me. If they want to pay the dues and then not come out, that is more room for me at the activities, and more money for the organization. Even if people come to a club and don't swing, they still probably pay an entrance fee. If they didn't come, maybe the club owners would have to raise the entrance fee for everyone.

However, I can see that my analogy above does not fit this situation exactly. I can understand that it would be frustrating to talk with people all night only to find out that they never had any intention of playing, no matter what.