Problem with expectations of others at the club

[b&J69]

Greetings all, we hae been in the lifestyle for almost 6 years and of course it has been a learning experience. Our latest dilemma is as follows.
We were at our favorite on premise club, wound up in a group thing. One of the couples that were involved neither of us really have any chemistry with, we were in that situation and had a decent buzz on and wound up playing with them anyway. In normal circumstances, we would not have gone there. They are nice people and all that, but they are just not our type. Now whenever we see them at the club, they seem to think repeat performances are the norm and expected. He especially pounces on the Ms when he sees her. We like them and think they are nice people, we just don't want to go there again and don't want to offend them. But we want nothing more than socializing. How the heck do we let them know without offending them? It's enough that we have mostly been avoiding going back there.

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by b&J69

Greetings all, we hae been in the lifestyle for almost 6 years and of course it has been a learning experience. Our latest dilemma is as follows.
We were at our favorite on premise club, wound up in a group thing. One of the couples that were involved neither of us really have any chemistry with, we were in that situation and had a decent buzz on and wound up playing with them anyway. In normal circumstances, we would not have gone there. They are nice people and all that, but they are just not our type. Now whenever we see them at the club, they seem to think repeat performances are the norm and expected. He especially pounces on the Ms when he sees her. We like them and think they are nice people, we just don't want to go there again and don't want to offend them. But we want nothing more than socializing. How the heck do we let them know without offending them? It's enough that we have mostly been avoiding going back there.

I have a thread similar to this that I posted a couple of weeks ago. The problem is that I am an idiot and I don't know how to put the link here so that I can direct you to it.

I didn't get but one response, and that was, I am sure, because it's the only response that could be given ... and that is, hard as it is, you have to be honest and forthright and let them know.

In a nutshell, basically our issue is that we have never played with a certain couple, but we have been friends for some time. We don't want to play with them; they do want to play with us. And really, the only way to put an end to the flirting and inuendos coming from them is to come right out and tell them. But, we have not been brave enough to do that yet.

(Let me give this a try ... this is the thread to which I referred.)




THANKS JULIE!

[BodyScape02]

you could always try an get them interested in another couple... keep introducing them to newbie’s or always have someone you have promised to meet at the club.... its a passive aggressive approach...most people will catch on... if they don't ... well then ... have solace in the fact you tried to help them save face... and you know what you don't want to do ever again..

just an alternate approach... and yes I have used it...successfully

[Carol_Danny]

What is wrong with just telling them you are looking for something different for the evening? That's all we say in the same situation, and it usually works.

Carol xoxoxo

[CandTinLorainCo]

We think Carol above hit it on the head..... just tell them that sorry tonite menu doesn't include you.....sorry.

-C

[EmpyreanPleasur]

I agree with just putting them off each time but if they are very persistent you may have to consider being more direct with them.

It is so difficult to hurt someone ( or fear that we may hurt them) but we have to realize that you are hurting them more in the long run by leading them on.

Hubby is very good at wording things like this so he usually handles the rejection but it's always something like..."we really enjoyed that night, but we just don't feel the chemistry is right between all us and would rather just remain friends so feelings aren't hurt in the future"

[L&R]

Originally Posted by EmpyreanPleasur

I agree with just putting them off each time but if they are very persistent you may have to consider being more direct with them.

It is so difficult to hurt someone ( or fear that we may hurt them) but we have to realize that you are hurting them more in the long run by leading them on.

Hubby is very good at wording things like this so he usually handles the rejection but it's always something like..."we really enjoyed that night, but we just don't feel the chemistry is right between all us and would rather just remain friends so feelings aren't hurt in the future"

WoW! He's good! I probably would have started off with a little more honest info like : " You know (name) , me and (mrs.) we were way blitzed the other nite, if you know what I mean....(mrs.) and I really like you and (name) and are just afraid that WE let the moment get out of hand, (Mrs) thinks we would all be better off just as social friends and don't want to rush the rest. We really respect you and (name) and think the friendship has a better chance for a long future if we slow things down for a while."

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by EmpyreanPleasur

..."we really enjoyed that night, but we just don't feel the chemistry is right between all us and would rather just remain friends so feelings aren't hurt in the future"

OK...from now on I am using this exact phrase... If I have your permission to plagerize it.

I wonder if this would work for they guy at the club with the trouble couple..?

[EmpyreanPleasur]

Thank you L&R and yes Bodyscape, feel free to use that. He is much more articulate and probably would phrase it better. There is also a great response from Ssugarlips in the "unsatisfying sex" thread!

[b&J69]

Thanks everyone, as difficult as that might be to just up and say, in the long run, it probably is far better.

[REALCOLSCOUPLE]

Eventually that situation will arise with all the couples that you meet with more than 1 time. If you don't do 'one nighters' ( we don't ) then chances are that one of the four involved will get their feelings hurt. That 'compatibility' that we look for in other couples can turn real ugly,real fast. But breaking it off with other couples is definitly a part of swingging,sorry. Because if you meet to many times or get to compatible, look out, somebody may fall in love. Ever been there?

[L&R]

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Eventually that situation will arise with all the couples that you meet with more than 1 time. If you don't do 'one nighters' ( we don't ) then chances are that one of the four involved will get their feelings hurt. That 'compatibility' that we look for in other couples can turn real ugly,real fast. But breaking it off with other couples is definitly a part of swingging,sorry. Because if you meet to many times or get to compatible, look out, somebody may fall in love. Ever been there?

[ R here] Sorry, but I object. It sounds like you're saying you don't do 1 nite stands, just 3 or 4 night stands. Please clarify. We'd probably not wish to swing at all with a couple that is streight forward (like this) . It sounds like, you are just hitting it while it's new and moving on as soon as the new wears off. The main points are (1) with the 'One niters's' atleast they are usually honest about it...I like to call them "big game hunters" they are just out for a quick fun roll in the hay then you can hear the tires squeal as they pull out of the motel parking lot and they are off on their next big adventure<<no harm no foul. Now people sometimes get alittle drunk and do things they later regret like in the case above but what I'm infering from your post is that you intentionally toy with couples awhile...lead them to believe you are developing a mutual swinging "friendship" then ween them off, cut them out, or discard them and it's pre-planned. Sounds like a "self-defense" mechanism at work here. Long and short of it....we would rather be with the one niter or with a couple that are interested in building a long-term relationship. Sorry.

[txduo2000]

It pretty much boils down to a "whatever works for you/us" mentality. I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong way of handling any one situation. You deal with it the best you can whatever arises.

For us, we can go both ways ... we can do the one-nighter and we can do the relationship. We aren't worried about "falling in love" because in both our views, falling in love with play partners is really only possible if there is something lacking in your own relationship. And if there is something lacking in your own relationship, then swinging is not an appropriate activity. So a longer term relationship would not be out of the realm of possibilities for us, though it has never presented itself as an option. Most of the time, the people we meet are generally like us ... not really looking for an exclusive type relationship and they have different plans at any coming weekend. That doesn't constitute a rejection to us; just a similarity of attitudes and an understanding from our point of view.

Now we do like the one-nighters just because of the anonymous thrill of it and the no obligation or expectation mentality for all concerned. I think most people who go to on-premise parties, as we do, do not expect to necessarily find someone that they will be in a long-term relationship with. It's a party atmosphere and those who want to party, party; those who don't simply mingle and/or watch.

We find it difficult to search and find compatible couples anyway. It's hard enough trying to find two people who mesh, let alone four, so that's why the party atmosphere has been one that has worked better for us.

[L&R]

Originally Posted by txduo2000

It pretty much boils down to a "whatever works for you/us" mentality. I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong way of handling any one situation. You deal with it the best you can whatever arises.

For us, we can go both ways ... we can do the one-nighter and we can do the relationship. We aren't worried about "falling in love" because in both our views, falling in love with play partners is really only possible if there is something lacking in your own relationship. And if there is something lacking in your own relationship, then swinging is not an appropriate activity. So a longer term relationship would not be out of the realm of possibilities for us, though it has never presented itself as an option. Most of the time, the people we meet are generally like us ... not really looking for an exclusive type relationship and they have different plans at any coming weekend. That doesn't constitute a rejection to us; just a similarity of attitudes and an understanding from our point of view.

Now we do like the one-nighters just because of the anonymous thrill of it and the no obligation or expectation mentality for all concerned. I think most people who go to on-premise parties, as we do, do not expect to necessarily find someone that they will be in a long-term relationship with. It's a party atmosphere and those who want to party, party; those who don't simply mingle and/or watch.

We find it difficult to search and find compatible couples anyway. It's hard enough trying to find two people who mesh, let alone four, so that's why the party atmosphere has been one that has worked better for us.

Outstanding. Most of us understand that when you are out meeting new people you are actually building a circle of "loose" friendships and the larger the circle of friends grows...well time is finite. There's a big difference between "discard" and "shuffle" to the bottom of the deck. That's why you want a deck of "cards" anyway...so you can have "parties". And this was, no one couple becomes too attached they can see you have other friends...just be honest with them and invite them to the party next week! the one niter works well too. I didn't agree with the part about only being able to "fall in love" if there's something wrong with your relationship. There is a concept know as polyamour but it's usually out of the range of most "recreational" swingers and is usually only attempted by the Utopians.

[txduo2000]

Originally Posted by L&R

I didn't agree with the part about only being able to "fall in love" if there's something wrong with your relationship. There is a concept know as polyamour but it's usually out of the range of most "recreational" swingers and is usually only attempted by the Utopians.

Well, basically what I was saying was that for US falling in love isn't a possibility ... and of course my feeling was generalizing on the "recreational" swingers as you stated, which is what we consider ourselves. Of course it would be different for those seeking polyamorous relationships but they have a completely different mindset and a different level of capability in that respect.