Problem with expectations of others at the club

[L&R]

Originally Posted by txduo2000

Well, basically what I was saying was that for US falling in love isn't a possibility ... and of course my feeling was generalizing on the "recreational" swingers as you stated, which is what we consider ourselves. Of course it would be different for those seeking polyamorous relationships but they have a completely different mindset and a different level of capability in that respect.

10-4 L and I are "building" our committed relationship and for US we feel the same way, I just misunderstood you and thought you were speaking in general terms regarding couples can only "fall in love" if their own relationships have "problems" or lacking something. I was just speaking in General terms that there are couples "way out there" so-to-speak that the Polyamory concept isn't out of "their" range of possibilities. Just because they are "way-out-there" doesn't mean couples need to fear getting involved in swinging relationships with them....you just have to us VERY GOOD COMMUNICATION WITH THEM TO AVOID them getting any "ideas".

[Carol_Danny]

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Eventually that situation will arise with all the couples that you meet with more than 1 time. If you don't do 'one nighters' ( we don't ) then chances are that one of the four involved will get their feelings hurt. That 'compatibility' that we look for in other couples can turn real ugly,real fast. But breaking it off with other couples is definitly a part of swingging,sorry.

I really wouldn't say all couples, or even most couples, but that can happen. We have been with couples a number of times where we found our compatibility dying off. That usually happens when you develop a relationship and really start to get to know someone. Their real personality comes out, and it may be a turn off. This just isn't for Swingers, this happens with new friends in general. You may really like someone when you first meet, but as you get to know them, you find you actually have less and less in common.

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Because if you meet to many times or get to compatible, look out, somebody may fall in love. Ever been there?

If you are worried about you or your partner falling in love with someone else, get out of the Lifestyle NOW! That thought has never come to mind with anyone we have been with. While we do believe you can love more than one person at a time (Polyamoury), we do not believe our love for each other will ever change.

No, we have never been there, nor will we play with people who even think like that. It brings out an underlying problem in their relationship that we just don't want to get involved with. We did learn that one the hard way many years ago.

Carol xoxoxo

[REALCOLSCOUPLE]

Gee, sorry if I touched a sore spot of anyone. All I was saying was that if you get 'close' to couples you have sex with,feelings can happen. And no we never plan on 1nighters but if you have any experience at all swinging then you have been with couples one time and thats enough to know that you don't want them again.But if you decide to meet again over and over then you and they made that decision,why? Because,at least 1 of the 4 liked the experience,is that not correct? It doesn't mean love,I didn't say either of 'us' felt love but it had to be something similiar to sexual gratification,and a possible list of desires that would be to long to list! Look, you are meeting other couples because you want something extra,call it what you want but if you enjoy sex with other people and you have decided to swing then thats my point,you enjoy others and you made a concious decision to have sex and it is extra-marital,so to speak. I just simply don't buy the swinging idea that it is sexual gratification only,you have that with your spouse don't you? If not then doesn't that mean that there is something missing and you are trying to find it in sex with others,even if your spouse is there? Yes you are,else why swing? Not talking love here but if you have a desire to swing and you are married then you are similiar,in ways,to the 'hubby' of the couple that developed feelings for my wife! Really I didn't worry because I feel secure with her but we did break it off with them.And no I'm not finding fault here,I enjoy the excitement of another womans body and romance but I think we should ALL admit this,,,,,we love our spouse BUT, we want others.Go ahead, set me straight,tell me i'm wrong. :rollseyes

[HappyPeople]

How about just telling them that at this moment, you are interested in keeping your options open and playing the field a bit rather than settling down into a regular routine with any particular couple?

It's soft, gentle and basically the truth since you did "settle" for them one time.

[Carol_Danny]

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Gee, sorry if I touched a sore spot of anyone. All I was saying was that if you get 'close' to couples you have sex with,feelings can happen.

Don't worry, you haven't touched any spot yet As for feelings, yes, of course you can have feelings with someone you swing with, just as you have feelings with close friends. That's natural, expected, and a great feeling. You develop a relationship, and with any relationship, you develop feelings for one another. That's actually a good thing

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

It doesn't mean love,I didn't say either of 'us' felt love but it had to be something similiar to sexual gratification,and a possible list of desires that would be to long to list!

It's all just feelings of comfort and friendship that develop over time. Again, it's a natural component to swinging with regular friends. It really has little to do with the sexual gratification or any other desire. Just good old friendship.

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Look, you are meeting other couples because you want something extra,call it what you want but if you enjoy sex with other people and you have decided to swing then thats my point,you enjoy others and you made a concious decision to have sex and it is extra-marital,so to speak. I just simply don't buy the swinging idea that it is sexual gratification only,you have that with your spouse don't you? If not then doesn't that mean that there is something missing and you are trying to find it in sex with others,even if your spouse is there? Yes you are,else why swing?

Yes, we do want something extra that we cannot do as a couple, and that is have sexual fun with others. Sometimes, it really is just for the sex, and nothing more. Yes, my husband and I have great sex together, but we do enjoy some variety, even with sex. But other times, you develop close friendships (hmmm...recurring theme here) and it's no longer just about the sex, but the friendship you enjoy. There is really no deep issues here, and it doesn't mean anything is missing from our lives.

Originally Posted by REALCOLSCOUPLE

Not talking love here but if you have a desire to swing and you are married then you are similiar,in ways,to the 'hubby' of the couple that developed feelings for my wife! Really I didn't worry because I feel secure with her but we did break it off with them.And no I'm not finding fault here,I enjoy the excitement of another womans body and romance but I think we should ALL admit this,,,,,we love our spouse BUT, we want others.Go ahead, set me straight,tell me i'm wrong. :rollseyes

Overall, I am quite confused at the point you are trying to make, so I cannot really "set you straight". In one sentence, you say that something must be missing in your lives if you are married and you swing. You then ask why would someone swing, but later answer your own question. It appears you may have a problem with the intimacy that forms in a Lifestyle relationship, but that is only natural. Most couples go through that same problem but after time, that does tend to resolve itself.

Carol xoxoxo

[REALCOLSCOUPLE]

CAROL DANNY, You guys are very understanding,cool,and nice. Have to admit,you are correct on all points. I guess I was just trying to get us all to think and reason so as to have a better grasp on our experiences that can sometimes surprise us.The more we understand ourselves and swinging,the better we can enjoy and keep everything 'cool'.

[CA91709]

Mr. CA posting...
Many of us Newbs to the lifestyle do see what at first appears to be contradictions. This is due no doubt to our lack of experience. I am sure with time there will come understanding of how contrary seeming positions are not really all that complicated.

Another point is how much one DWELLS on these things. The Mrs. and I believe the best thing to do is go with the flow. Just make sure that you pull out of the lifestyle in time if you think it is damaging your relationship.

[Carol_Danny]

Originally Posted by CA91709

Many of us Newbs to the lifestyle do see what at first appears to be contradictions.

Excellent point! When you start off in all this, you really don't know what to expect, and it's easy to become confused about it all, especially when you factor in all the "flavours" of the Lifestyle. You will find many contradictions, but you will quickly learn what aspects work for you, and what don't, and those contradictions will soon make sense (well, sorta)

-- Danny