Welcoming New Members - Whose responsibility is it?

[TNT]

Ok, we got to talking the other night after attending a new club and I wanted to bring this question to the board as well as all the club owners we have here.

As we sat at a new club the other night, we got to looking around and noticed several different couples that were sitting at tables all alone. No one seemed to be paying them much attention as the regulars were in their groups and having a blast.

Now for us, being in the lifestyle a number of years and attending different clubs in our travels, we have gotten extremely good at introducing ourselves and meeting new people and never feel like we have to wait for someone to come up and talk to us, we have no problem making the initial contact. But, for those that are totally new to the lifestyle and swinger clubs I can see where this would be a problem. Ted and I did get up and introduce ourselves to these couples and they all seemed extremely grateful for the introduction and for someone to sit with them for a few minutes and answer questions they had. Now I do believe that the new people should also get up and introduce themselves but, as most who are new to the Lifestyle are extremely shy and unsure, this is extremely hard for them to do.

It would seem to us that it would be to the advantage of the regulars at a club as well as the owners and the club itself, to take the time to welcome new people. I’m not saying they have to spend all night with them, but a “Hello, how are you tonight?” goes a long ways. Taking a few minutes away from your regular group to check on them throughout the night or introducing them to others, doesn’t hurt either. The owners are usually extremely busy making sure everything is being taken care of with the actual running of the club, i.e. checking people in, making sure there is plenty of toilet tissue in the restrooms, making sure there is plenty of drinks at the bar and so on, but a regular at the club does not have these responsibilities to take care.

So the questions are:

As regulars at a club, do you feel you have a responsibility to welcome new members and check on them throughout the night, or do you feel this is totally the owners job?

As club owners, do you feel your regular members should share in this responsibility or is it totally your responsibility to welcome new members?

Teresa

[VegasLee]

HI Teresa,

This is a good one. We have traveled all over the country and found this is the case at just about every club there is.

The regulars get off into their own little groups and ignore and sometimes even shun the "newbies" or people from out of town.

Our home club is also a tourist attraction that half the people there are from out of town so we see this every week. I hate to say that many at our own home club are qulty of shunning the tourists.

Laura and I like to meet new people so we take it upon ourself to introduce ourself and sometimes take the newbies and introduce them to others.

As you say, it is hard for the owners to get around to everyone. At the same time I don't feel that the owners can "expect" regulars to do anything. They are there for their fun, not to make newbies feel good about their experience.

I think there is people like you and us that want to meet new people so we take up some of the slack but I feel that anyone that decides to get into this has to understand that it is what they make of it.

If they sit at a table in the corner all night and not get around, they are not going to have a great time. We see this all the time and then see those are the people that tend to give negitive reviews of clubs on message boards.

I am not sure what the answer is to be honest. Getting people to step up these days is hard to do.

[fun_pairTX]

We try to introduce ourselves to as many new people as we can. It is a bit easier for us than most as #1 we have been at this for a while and #2 I have to introduce myself all the time in the course of my business, so it is not an activity that induces trepidation in us. The hosts at clubs we have been to do try to get the newer people to mingle, but lets face it, a lot of newbies would be more likely to get scared out of their pants than coaxed out of them. Everyone should really welcome them aboard, it is the only way the lifestyle will ever grow.

[yawanna]

I'm responding to this wonderful, thought provoking, critical issue IMHO posting BUT be warned...I'm sleep deprived due to our Puppy having sneaked and eaten People Food and we are day 3 of vomiting and the runs. He just this minute ate the first dog food he's had in days. (yes I called the vet )

As regulars at a club, do you feel you have a responsibility to welcome new members and check on them throughout the night, or do you feel this is totally the owners job?

All the clubs up here are small enough that you can say 'hi' to people at the next tables. I'd say never more than 200 people at special events and the average is 60 to 100 on regular club nights.

It has been our practice to get to know people online, then meet them in person at a club. We've usually coordinated these evenings where many new couples attend on the same night, and we introduce them around.

I've been doing this for a number of years now, as have one or two other couples. One such group even opened up a club and a website for a chat room and ads.

Why we've been doing this for a number of years now was exactly as TNT mentions..... new people end up sitting alone. The clubs all say they have 'host couples' who will sit with new couples, answer their questions, introduce them around...but they rarely do. It's been my experience that host couples (we've had friends who acted as such) set their sights on one couple they want to 'bed' and pay attention only to them.

Ever since my first 2 visits to swinger clubs, and we ended up alone and confused (why was that man walking past me and rubbing against me so much, and I smiled at him, but he never talked?).... we've never gone to a club unless we had organized a group to attend. Otherwise..... BIG yawn.

Two of the swinger clubs have since acknowledged these informal Meet and Greets at their clubs....they even have a sign in board so that people can post their online nicknames when they arrive.

Guess what happens...the people who already know each other stick to their own group. No one goes out scouting for the new couples. In their chat rooms the next few days, there is a lot of 'you were there??'

I think the clubs and the community in general set up the false belief that there are host couples and many friendly couples who will welcome new people and spend some time with them. This is a blatant lie for the most part, and may perhaps explain why more new couples aren't approached....the regulars think the host couple or the club owners are taking care of it. They aren't.

I've also found that at special events....'round here we've attended a midnight boat cruise....an orgy on the water......people pre-select who they are going to have sex with and socialize with at the event. We watched 100 couples board the boat, head straight for the upper level, and only ever saw them again when we, too went upstairs and everyone was naked. We didn't know any of them, and they didn't introduce themselves, or even say hi.

Luckily, we had organized a group, including a few new couples, to hang with us during the cruise. Those that wanted to get sexual would wander off for a bit

Overall, I think it's a fundamental myth up here that swingers are outgoing, friendly people. They may be to the people in their own clique...but I see far too much of what I've written to believe otherwise.

Even the meet and greets are now cliquey, blech.

We haven't clubbed in a while, for all those reasons and I was getting tired of being the only one to introduce new people. It wasn't my job, I wasn't being paid, and I was supposed to be out for a night of fun..not being Julie the Cruise Director

We now stick with private parties where people we already know host, and they take the time and effort to help new people.

[good times]

The first club we went to, first of all is pretty small (30 couples pretty much makes for standing room only), We were really nervous that first time, of course. When we walked in the door the host asked us if it was our first time, when we said yes he promptly took us on a little tour of the club and introduced us to several of the regulars. We have went back to this club several times since and this seems to be the rule rather than the exception. I guess we were lucky to find a club like this our first time.

R

[remox]

I have to agree with Vegas_Lee on this one. The regular attendees are there to have a good time, just like the newbies.

As a club goer, it seems fairly obvious that to have the best time you should get to know as many people as possible and then choose who you want to spend extra time with. Unfortunately, that doesn't suit everyone.

As a club owner, I feel it is the responsibility all of the club staff to help the new people along. I spend most of each evening checking in with my members/guests (new and old) to make sure that they are getting the most from the club. Often that includes making introductions and answering questions.

One of the other things that we have done is to require a tour and orientation on the night of someone's first visit. The tour and orientation is only done at the very beginning of the evening, so that all first timers must arrive at opening. One of the byproducts of this is that all of the newcomers get a chance to meet each other. They have at least visual recognition of everyone else who is there for the first time. Typically we have 8-12 new people so it creates a peer group right from the start. As the rest of the guests arrive before we close the door, it is the "regulars" that start as the minority and thus introduce themselves or end up alone until others arrive.

[hoistsail]

We went to a club and were very surprised that people were not friendly at all except for people they already knew.

This does not expand one's horizon. And was a big turn-off have not been back there.
head bang

[darling]

Sometimes as a regular, I am asked by the management to give a tour to newbies. If I'm the one giving the tour, I take it upon myself to check with them several times to get them involved. I think it is up to the management to introduce games that will get those involved that would hug the walls normally. Many clubs would benefit from having a hostess. Someone that kind of gets the party going and gets the newbies involved. They could let that person in free for their services.

[omneesx]

As most of our club experience has been through parts of Europe( Holland and Germany mostly), all the clubs we visited had someone, either owner or part of the staff, take us through the entire place. At one club in Belgium, this was done prior to paying the membership/entrance fee with the option to leave at that point. I would imagine the business side of clubs here in the states can get in the way of the hospitality side and typically any club says once you've paid and you're in then we've done our part and the rest is up to you. With that in mind, the personal touch and a little welcome/orientation can go a long way toward making a shy, new couple a lot more comfortable and then bring more folks to your club by word of mouth to assist the business. Just makes sense to us.

[yawanna]

I think it is up to the management to introduce games that will get those involved that would hug the walls normally.

With total respect to darling and the helpful posting....my second thought when I first attended a swinger club, after 'omg it's a PTA meeting in a sports bar'...was.... 'omg they are playing wedding shower games!!!".

It goes a lot further IMHO to talk one on one..either host couples or club owners. A few minutes over a drink and making new couples feel welcome and comfortable leave a better impression

[J & K]

When "K" and I go to our club we like to go with friends because when we go alone as a cpl nobody comes up to our table to say hello and we are just semi-shy. We have found out though if we get there early at a "BIG" table a few cpls will sit down at it. If it is a table of "4" then it is rare for another cpl to sit down with us and "K" gets pissed off feeling ignored and swears we will never go out there again without friends. Now people do come up to us and introduce themselves (mostly males) and tell how much they admire "K"'s pics on Swing Lifestyle (hey--why don't the women ever come up to me and do that---bummer--I feel so left out in the FAME---lol).

So yes--reg. club cpls please sit with us!!!! LOL!!!

[EternallySingle]

In a perfect world, when a new person or couple entered a club, especially a private setting like a swing club, the regulars would take the time to get to know them. That is perfect. Real life isn't.

My only successful experiences at swing clubs were in Oregon and Washington state, and I know why. All three clubs were close enough to the military bases that the regulars were used to new people showing up. One thing you learn in the military is how to keep secrets, both military secrets and secrets of your personal life. Since most of the long-time regulars had years of experience dealing with military people, they knew the new people were not likely to tell anyone except other swingers what was going on and that they wouldn't tell anyone who was there.

That made it much easier for someone to trust you enough to walk up and say hello. When you don't have that institute of trust built into your community, everyone has they "stick to who you know and ignore everyone else until they either go away or prove they are not going to rat you out to everyone" mentality. It not their fault and they are not being rude. They are just protecting their reputations by not associating with "wild cards".

As a single man that hit me in the face hard, and prompted me to reevaluate everything I thought about the lifestyle while involved with women. New couples are wild cards. You don't know anything about them and you can't learn anything about them without revealing things about yourself. That is unnerving, especially in American society where sex is exciting because it is something dirty, forbidden, and not to be shared with anyone if you can help it.

It is everyone's responsibility to introduce themselves to people they don't know. You just have to decide how much you want to reveal and how you want to approach them. Once you get it out of your mind that everyone is out to get you, it is much easier to meet people, no matter what the situation.

[remox]

An interesting point of view. I hadn't looked at it quite that way.

I thinking more about it there is something to what you say.

[BiCoupleTN69]

We travel a lot on business have been to many swing clubs around the country. Some better than others, the common theme is you make them what you want them to be.

The regulars pay money to have fun, it‘s not their responsibility to make others have fun. Some people have their own group of friends at swing clubs that they are comfortable with and enjoy being with them. Other like meeting new people, that is their fun.

Sometimes regulars seem to be very aggressive with new people to the point it scares them off. We are experienced club swings and have this happen to us. One time in Indiana, we had a couple of regulars so aggressive we left. Just imagine someone there for the first time.

For us, we actually do not like hanging out with the regulars at our club. We are both cripplingly shy (it’s a joke) the reality is we are both very outgoing and love meeting people, so we love meeting, talking and playing with new people. That is just our style, we are not at the club to make long friendship, we want to play and have fun then leave. Sure, we play with some of the same people time and time again but it’s because they love to have new people to join us like we do. It’s easier to invite people to join the fun if there is a group having fun to start with.

Owners need to make their clubs more inviting to everyone. They need to have host that know how to talk to people and get the action going if everyone is on the sideline and how to watch the room for trouble even if it is a regular that is out of line.

[Close Encounters]

Originally posted by TNT


As club owners, do you feel your regular members should share in this responsibility or is it totally your responsibility to welcome new members?

Teresa

We take the responsibility.

That said, we are blessed with many members who take it upon themselves to help new people get involved. And reap the rewards of adding to their friends listWelcome