Etiquette and Respect at House Parties

[Elusive BiFem]

This subject was discussed in moderated chat last night (12/04) and was originally suggested by hmr. The primary focus was on the type of etiquette and respect that should be shown to people attending house parties.

It seems that some people, when attending house parties, seem to believe that just the presence of a female indicates she is "available" for a gang bang type of situation...a "passing around" of sorts. What do you think?

Should the same rules of "no means no" apply at house parties? Because a woman is a swinger and attends a house party, does that necessarily mean that she is ready for, or even wants, involvement with everyone at the party? And if that "passing around" situation should occur, how should the woman handle it, and especially without her husband/SO present?

If the situation occured for you, and without your husband/SO present, how would you handle it? Some felt that the situation occurred because the husband was not present in the room. I took issue with the fact that the husband "should" be present at all times...going back back to the same room stuff. For me, that would not matter, and is not the issue. Why should a person treat me any differently because I don't have a male partner right beside me? Regardless of his presence, I should still be afforded courtesy and respect, and maybe even more in his absence. Just my thoughts, but then...I'm single. Maybe my views are quite different.

Apparently the female half of this couple handled it quite well and let her feelings be known, but I'm wondering...what are the thoughts of others? Would you speak up...telling everyone you were not willing to participate in their fiasco? Would you make an excuse to leave or be quite honest about your reasons? (quite honest was my vote!)

Another thing that bothered me...the issue of newbies. The hmr's have been swinging for a while and know how to handle themselves, but what would happen to couples just venturing into the lifestyle?

- EBF

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

It seems that some people, when attending house parties, seem to believe that just the presence of a female indicates she is "available" for a gang bang type of situation...a "passing around" of sorts. What do you think?

I think that attendance at a party in NO way indicates an automatic availability. That should apply regardless of whether she has a SO in the room or not. Even if she was playing with multiple partners at the time I don't feel it is an open invitation for whomever passes by.

Jesse

[N&G]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
It seems that some people, when attending house parties, seem to believe that just the presence of a female indicates she is "available" for a gang bang type of situation...a "passing around" of sorts. What do you think?

I don't see why the "rules" at house parties are any different than anywhere else. If someone doesn't want to do something then they simply say no. Why would her husband/SO need to be in the room? I know that my partner can take care of herself and doesn't need to be "protected" by me.

G ( male half)

[Elusive BiFem]

I don't think the female half of this couple felt that she needed her husband to take care of her...from what I understand, she handled it quite well without involving him at the immediate time.

I read another post of yours, N&G, in another thread, in which you stated

It might be a good idea to talk about what everyone wants to do during the "social hour" so if anyone has specific requirements they can speak up.

That sounds like a really great idea...the social hour thing to allow for the discussion of expectations and such. I don't know if anything like that took place. Thanks for the comment there and I hope you don't mind that I used it here, too.
- EBF

[hmr]

mrs hmr here....

For those who were not in on the chat, and for clarification purposes,I had a hard time thinking last night, not being the one typing... We had been comunicating with the couple having the party for over a month. We felt like we were on the same page as far as what was expected, and rules had already been discussed.

When we were introduced into this lifestyle, the people who led us in, brought us in with the understanding that the women were always the ones in control of all situations. This man had even agreed with me on this!!! Also, that nothing would be done that wasn't agreed to, or asked about. Said they just like to get together with friends and have good sex, and fun.

Now, you tell me, how can I(or any woman) be the one in control of the situation, if things start being done without her consent?How can I, or she, agree to anything she isn't asked about? How can you have good sex and fun, if the rules and expectations are not adhered to? These men just started treating me like I was an object there for their gratification only. Bouncing me from one to another. That was not what we had discussed as how we behave when we play, nor what we expect others to do. Exactly the opposite!

The thing that bothered me the most, was not that it had happened. The fact that they all seemed to expect me to accept it! Just to let it happen to me. To let them do what ever they wanted to do without objecting!! Well, boy did they get a reality check, and I got an apology. It was funny watching them all back up a few feet!!! Never been treated nicer than I was after that either. I was definitely in control after that!!

off mysoapbox

mrs hmr

[gothicpair]

Just feel that No is No is No.

Sometimes we like to watch and don't want to participate... other times we have an eye for someone and are waiting our turn... but just because I am their, does not mean I am available to anyone...

soapbox

Just because I am swinging, does not mean I am swinging with YOU!!!!

[BradAndJanet]

Mrs. hmr, I'm so glad to hear that you took control of the situation before things got out of hand. It's kind of upsetting though, that you had to do that. Not all women would have the fortitude to speak up, I'm afraid. I hope these guys learned a lesson about 'walking the talk'.

gothicpair, I like what you said: "Just because I am swinging, does not mean I am swinging with YOU!!!!" Nobody should have to find themselves in the position of being somebody else's unwilling 'sex toy'.

-B

[stangme]

I think the subject says it all. No means no is an understatement. I think some people when they go to house parties tend to put away their basic ability to try and read people and the body language they give off. If you have any kind of sense about you at all you can truly feel the vibes another person is sending you being them positive or negative.

Some people are new to the situation and don't know how they should react to advances so you have to stay very in tune. Some people won't say no right away. I think in this situation as in all with the lifestyle you have to stay alert and tread lightly. This not only goes for the men but also for the women as well. I (the male) have been approached agressively by women that I did not find attractive at house parties. Sometimes men are not the only ones that just don't get it.

In a word, it's all about respect.

S & R

[jcbicouple]

We'd have to agree with much of what has been said above. No means no, and just because we are swinging, doesn't mean we're swinging with you! Everyone should be able to say no at any time. We make it very clear to everyone we plan on meeting, that either of us has the right to say no, for either one of us. i.e We both have as much say so over the other persons body as they do!
Seems to us, that location shouldn't matter. Club, party, or just meeting another couple...NO means the same thing.

[NorCal Nites]

Regardless of where you are, what event you're attending, or who you may be with, the number 1 rule should ALWAYS be...

NO MEANS NO!!!

Pretty much self-explanitory, I think. It doesn't matter if you're there to swing, your "type" of swinging may be different from the next... maybe you're same room, maybe voyeur... it doesn't give ANYONE the right to do something without asking "permission" in some way.

[LowPurrCpl]

Being totally new to this board and the lifestyle....I hope that I am not out of line by asking...were there other women present? I was not in on the actual chat, but the thread would lead me to believe that Ms. hmr was one of a very few ladies. Were the other ladies being treated as such or did they not seem to mind being a "plaything"? Was this the first house party with these specific people?

But, yes, I totally agree that No Means No in any situation. And am VERY HAPPY that Ms. hmr told them what was up!

Ms. LowPurrCpl

[hmr]

Originally posted by LowPurrCpl
were there other women present? I was not in on the actual chat, but the thread would lead me to believe that Ms. hmr was one of a very few ladies. Were the other ladies being treated as such or did they not seem to mind being a "plaything"? Was this the first house party with these specific people?


Ms. LowPurrCpl

Yes Low PurrCpl, the wife of the house was there. She had taken mr hmr into the kitchen at this point. It all happenen in a matter of about 10 minutes. She was having fun with him in the other room, about 6 feet away, not even a door between us. Mr hmr, says now that he thinks back on it he wonders if it was planned. So I don't know how she feels about being treated like I was, because she wasn't afforded what I was. After I had my little fit, the entire atmosphere changed, and everyone became perfect gentlemen.

Yes this was the first house party with these people, and it will be the last!

mrs hmr

[LowPurrCpl]

Thank you so much for clarifying that! I sincerely hope that it was not planned. I would hope that people in the swinging arena would be past such games.

Ms. LowPurrCpl

[EternallySingle]

Two of the five house parties I've been to as a single man were gangbang parties. To make sure there were enough men to go around, myself and six other single men were invited to attend. The rule was "These two (or three) women want to be part of a gangbang. The other women are off limits unless they ask you to join them."

Some people automatically assume that because you both like A, B, and C, you will also like D because they do. Maybe that is what happened. Either way, at a party, even the family Christmas party, certain limits must be placed on who can drink and how much can be consumed, what foods can be eaten and where, what games can be played, and what rooms are off limits. Thats just common party sense and has nothing to do with swinging. It seems like that rule wasn't followed, or was ignored by the other guests.

[hmr]

Thank you Eternally Single for getting the point!! Be it a gangbang or not, the host and I had discussed our rules of conduct and agreed on them. We we assured that their regulars abided by the same rules. Being a house party, one shouldn't have to discuss house rules with the regulars, and that is really what we are talking about here. At a house party, respect for others, Etiquette if you will, all boils down to house rules. What the host is willing to tolerate! Obviously, this host lacked etiquette of his own! One either has it, or one doesn't. If they don't, they do not belong in this lifestyle!!

mrs hmr