Helping couples who are uncomfortable at parties

[The Fuse]

What do you do when you see a couple who are having a lot of trouble being social at a party? Do you make an effort to be friendly, or do you just let them figure it out for themselves? Sometimes I see these people and my heart goes out to them, and sometimes I'll just march up to them and make conversation. But much of the time I'm talking to someone else and have no particular interest in the people I see struggling, so I end up doing nothing.

What do people here do?

Last Saturday night we went to a great house party. The host and hostess went completely overboard with hospitality. Their crowd was made up mostly of people they already knew. We were friends of friends at our first party with these hosts. So many nice people and everyone enjoying themselves in various ways, social and sexual.

Well, almost everyone. There was one couple who obviously felt awkward. They talked to a few people, but mostly stood around in corners and at one point we walked by the woman watching TV by herself. I'm not sure why they felt so uncomfortable, though since they were both very large (over 400 pounds) that may have had something to do with it, although we've seen plenty of very large people who had no issues. There was another couple we'd met at a party a couple of years ago. They also seemed awkward. I made a point to socialize with them for a few minutes when we first got there, but they didn't seem too friendly. I'm not sure if they were nervous, or whether they thought I was hitting on them and wanted to let me know they weren't having any, or just don't like me, or whatever.

A few months ago, we saw an attractive couple at a hotel party. They were both obviously feeling awkward. We were chatting with friends and dancing. I didn't want to scare these people, but thought they could use a friendly face too. I ended up not doing anything, but I wish I'd at least said hello and introduced myself.

I don't know what I am saying... this is why I almost never start my own threads . Anyone have comments? Similar experiences? Opinions?

[Tia Vampire]

I (the female) half will atleast say, "hello" or ask them, "how they're doing tonight"? Any small talk to make them feel welcomed. If I see them bobbing their head to a song, I'll also ask them if they would like to dance, even if I do not care for the song. I remember those days ol' so well when we just sat in the corner waitng for someone to be friendly to us. I'm a social butterfly at the club we frequent, but anywhere else, I would feel out of my element until I got some liquor inside of me. Just enough to calm the anxiety.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

I don't know what I am saying... this is why I almost never start my own threads . Anyone have comments? Similar experiences? Opinions?

Understand exactly what you're saying...your damned if you do and damned if you don't sometimes.

When we're at parties I try and make it a point to talk to everyone.

Some of the problems I've encountered with those that seem out of place or awkward are...they're scared to death sometimes and no amount of light conversation will relax them...they're so happy to have someone talk to them, they latch on to me all night like a lost puppy....they take my polite conversation as an interest in playing, which at times has scared them off and at times caused me to have to gently say no thank you and at times led to some really nice play times.

For myself, I've gotten really good at maneuvering myself around the room, introducing myself to everyone then quickly venturing on to the next person/couple. That way, those who are scared to death can at least say they had one friendly face say hello, those who would latch on to me or who would take the hello as interest on my part don't have enough time to do so and it doesn't allow me enough time to scare anyone off and gives me a chance to cruise the room to see who I might want to go back and talk to more.

It's the best solution I could come up with for myself that seems to have answered the question...do I say hello or not?


Teresa

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

they were both very large (over 400 pounds) that may have had something to do with it,

I have to ask, together or each?

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I have to ask, together or each?

Each were over 400 pounds, at least I think they probably were. Maybe not, but at least 300.

[JTcamp05]

Good topic...I know we are the quiet ones in a group and every place we have been we get alot of attention (all good). It great that people have made us feel welcome and comfortable.

Unfortunatly the couple you used as an example...my guess is that it was more of a physical thing. If your one of the "attractive" people no matter how quiet you are you will get attention. Hate to say it but it is what it is.....

Its great that you noticed them are considering everyones feelings, we all should do that!

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

Its great that you noticed them are considering everyones feelings, we all should do that!

I'd love to agree with that, but I can't completely.

We have a very over weight couple, who on top of it are first timers at a house party.

If it were a vanilla party, I'd have absolutely no problem trying to get them involved, talking to them, welcoming them. It would be rude not to help out.

In a lifestyle type party the implications go beyond socializing. Now if this was an experienced couple, it would be less of an issue, they would know the ropes, and know that talking does not equal play time, they would have other friends so if you said hi, you wouldn't feel obligated to keep talking to them as they hung on you like a frightened puppy.

As you said, if this was a 'universally' attractive couple, this would only rarely happen, and before someone posts about that model like couple that no one would talk to, the issue in those cases tend to be that people are afraid of rejection the other way, or they are just rejecting everyone .

[VANudistcpl]

We do go up and talk to couples that look uncomfortable because we are the ones that look uncomfortable sometimes. We attended a house party and happend to have that uneasy look about us, but no one even thought to try and make us feel welcomed. We weren't new to the lifestyle, but this was our first house party. I sat at the bar while the Ms tried to mingle. Eventually we made our exit because we felt like we didn't belong. If someone would have approached us, we might have stayed.

So for this reason, if we see a couple that looks uncomfortable we go up and talk to them.

[The Fuse]

Interesting responses so far.

I posted about three different couples on purpose -- one extremely overweight, one "average" couple, and one attractive couple (though they were somewhat older than the average party-goer). Each couple seemed like both halves were just uncomfortable in the party situation. I can only speculate that for the overweight couple, their size had something to do with their discomfort. The other two couples would not have had that problem.

I talked to the male half of the overweight couple briefly, and made a point to have a short conversation with the average couple, saying it was nice to see them again, and bringing up mutual friends, where we'd met before, etc. We weren't interested in either of these two couples, and Chicup is right -- I wanted to be friendly and hoped that they would have a good time, but didn't want the friendliness to be taken as a proposition or as encouragement to stick to us.

Personally, I think social awkwardness, shyness and fear of rejection strikes people at both ends of the looks spectrum. The attractive couple at the hotel party may have been first timers. I don't know, because I never did go talk to them. But they just seemed shy and afraid in general, and frankly it seemed like it would have been a bit of a chore to be friendly. I saw them a few times across the room that evening, but didn't see them talking to anyone at all.

My husband is one of the good-looking people who are pretty hopeless when it comes to meeting people and indicating interest. I am lucky to have him in many ways, but he is lucky to have a wife who is more outgoing. I am actually somewhat shy but I am friendly in spite of it. If I didn't take on that active role, nothing would ever happen for us, in swinging or in life. He and I would be one of the couples I'm writing about in this thread. That's part of why I care -- because I see us, in the people we see struggling. When one half of a couple can overcome, it is so much easier. When neither half can, they have a difficult time.

[jjtrindc]

Let me give you a perspective from a somewhat "shy" couple. We're both very friendly, very outgoing people, but when we go to clubs (not many house parties in our area), we do tend to be a bit shy and reserved. Just our nature. We would actually welcome having someone come up and say hi or introduce us around. Once we get going, we do great...just have trouble getting started. So our vote is to definitely extend your hospitality to us 'wallflowers' -- you never know how we may repay the favor

[Alura]

We host two parties a year, where both vanilla and life style folks attend. Over the course of the evening we usually have between forty and seventy people here.

The more abundant the guest list the harder it is, of course, to spend time with everybody. Still, we try to approach each person and chat for awhile. When folks arrive, we serve them their first drink and explain that they are on their own for the second, since they know where the drinks are.

We also try to spend some one-on-one time with some special friends, just to let them know they're special. We have a "conversation chair" (also known as the "double blowjob chair") which works well for that purpose.

Mr. Alura

[spvcouple]

Whether we are at a house party or just a Meet n Greet, I try to say hello to everyone. It is rather obvious who the newbies are, and I try to take the time to introduce them to a few of the friendlier people in the group and make small talk. All of this from the guy who would rather sit back and let folks come to me. LOL But as many have already said, I remember those days of thinking "what the hell" all too well.

K and D

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by Alura

We have a "conversation chair" (also known as the "double blowjob chair") which works well for that purpose.

Now you have me going. Elaborate, please.

[MrkLin]

I too would like to know more about the "conversation chair."

We host a few parties a year, and almost all of our guests know each other very well. On the few occasions that someone new attends, we, as hosts, make it a point to introduce the new couple to everyone, and let them know that they're welcome to participate or not in any way they feel comfortable. So far we've only had one couple that tended to sit back and just watch.

I'm very outgoing, so I have no problem at all in talking with people and including them in discussions when they feel a bit hesitant to join in. It's all a part of socializing. You can't tell if you're going to like someone if you don't get to know them, so if someone is a bit shy at first, I have no problem breaking the ice. I have a mental checklist of questions and stories I use to make people feel a bit more comfortable around us, and we've found that just being genuinely interested in someone can do a lot to bring most of the shy ones out of their shells. Once most people realize that everyone there was a first-timer too, and had many of the same concerns they have, things tend to loosen up and people go with the flow a lot easier.

I go out of my way to let everyone know that socializing in no way commits anyone to playing. All of our guests know without any doubt that their only obligation at any of our parties is to be polite.

[JustAskJulie]

Pet is working on his own issues with shyness but doing well at working through them. Most of the time, I can take the lead and we will still meet many people.

The last time we went to a social, he did very well with talking to people on his own, but we did notice one couple that we thought we recognized from the online signup list and they were sitting off by themselves and never really seemed to talk to anyone the whole night. They didn't get up and dance, I never saw them move. We were on the opposite side of the room and talked to many people but I didn't make the effort to cross the room and introduce us. We did get an email from that couple the next day that they saw us and we looked like we were having a good time and they hoped to actually meet us next time. It made me feel bad that we hadn't made the effort to get to the other side of the room and meet them.

So I guess to answer the question - we do nothing as well. I guess part of it is dealing with our own issues and another part is when we see someone who looks obviously uncomfortable there is a fear that approaching them will make them feel more uncomfortable - especially if there isn't interest.