Who does not go to lifestyle clubs and why?

[iapr]

I just made 1000th post saying that the best place to meet real swingers is at swingers clubs and got to thinking (always a dangerous thing) that maybe I need to step back and get a different perspective and hear from the folks that do not go to clubs.

If you do not like to go to LS clubs or scheduled LS meet/greets I would like to hear your thoughts and feelings as to why you do not like to go. If you prefer to only meet people privately I would like to hear what advantages and disadvantages you see in that methodology.

I would especially like to hear from folks that may be a little bit intrigued or interested in going to a club but haven't been able to overcome your (or your partner's) hesitancy in doing so.

My intent is NOT for this to turn into a clubs vs private meets debate and it is also not my intent to try and convince anyone that has not been to a club to go to one. Rather, I am just wanting to hear some thoughtfull and personal discussion from those who's practices and opinions are different from my own.

If you are not a club or meet/greet goer, please share your reasons and rationales and thoughts.

[iapr]

Maybe I should start it off with a couple specific questions to get the ball rolling.

1. Do you not go to clubs because you had a previous bad experience?

2. Do you not go because you have had good success through other means and just have not had any reason to go?

3. Are you or your partner intimidated or afraid to to go to a club?

4. Do you think that clubs are just for the "hardcores" or that you do not think you are a "real swinger" and do not belong in a club?

5. Are you not a "bar person" and don't like the smoke, noise, competition, chaos etc etc?

6. Are you someone that does not like crowds or feel that a club scene is not personal or intimate enough?


I could go on but I am just trying to stimulate discussion and not turn it into a poll.

Please discuss -

[JustAskJulie]

This is a really good topic, IAPR Your suggestions for reasons are good ones, and I'll be interested in seeing what others have to say.

[socolais]

There are differences and similarities between clubs in general and house parties in general. There are probably a dozen clubs here in the DFW area and we haven't gone to any of them yet. We've talked about it and the grass probably isn't any greener on the other side of the fence - we're having plenty of fun at house parties. Again, there's probably a dozen parties every weekend and more on hollidays we could go to. Some are a little "classier" than we feel comfortable with (mostly relying on word of mouth) and a few are reported to be "trailer park" events. We're taking our half out of the middle. It's a comfortable environment with all the normal stuff a happy home would have. If for some reason we might need something simple like a bandaid or a tylenol, the host probably has some to share.

The parties are recurring on a monthly schedule with misses every now and then, so we know the crowd and recognise new faces as such. There's no shortage of new potential playmates and ladies I'd like to be with again. We don't go to every party so sometimes there's some catching up on the news.

We have partied with some folks that attend several clubs regularly and have invited us to meet them there sometime. We just haven't worked that into the schedule yet.

We've met a few local couples through our interaction here on the board and had the opportunity to spend some quality time with one of them. I have to think that's also not exactly the perspective you're looking for.

[two42lovers]

OK - we've been pretty up front that we don't really care for clubs. Here's a go at your questions.

1. Do you not go to clubs because you had a previous bad experience?

Nope, not really an issue.

2. Do you not go because you have had good success through other means and just have not had any reason to go?

Yes, we've had good success via other means. And yes, the times we have attended on-premise clubs or fee-for-entry play parties have proved to be much less successful.

4. Do you think that clubs are just for the "hardcores" or that you do not think you are a "real swinger" and do not belong in a club?

No. The opposite seems to be true. Most people at clubs and fee-for-entry parties do not play, or only play once in a great while. Most people seem to just stand around.

5. Are you not a "bar person" and don't like the smoke, noise, competition, chaos etc etc?

There is no smoking in California bars. We love to go to our local bar to play pool and dance to live music. Very much prefer it to any club we've attended.

6. Are you someone that does not like crowds or feel that a club scene is not personal or intimate enough?

Yes - we get more pleasure out of meeting a couple 2-on-2. We've found things to be kinda superficial when meeting people at loud parties or in crowded rooms. Nothing wrong with "good to meet you let's fuck" but we prefer the pace of an intimate evening when we meet a new-to-us couple.

An exception is no-fee private house parties being hosted by friends. People tend to play a lot, and the socializing is very intimate and leisurely.

[wlhotwife]

Originally Posted by iapr

3. Are you or your partner intimidated or afraid to to go to a club?

Yes, I have to admit the idea is pretty scary to us. First of all, there is the danger of being "outed" Mr. WL is pretty well known in his field, and there is a good chance of him being recognized by someone who we don't know. There are some union/political reasons why some competitors would use this info to create a scandal that could harm his business and career. We realize this is unlikely, but the potential risk is significant enough to cause us to worry.
On a more personal level, I'm a bit reserved in public, and have a few body image issues. Having never been to a club, I don't know how comfortable I would feel in that environment.

Originally Posted by iapr

4. Do you think that clubs are just for the "hardcores" or that you do not think you are a "real swinger" and do not belong in a club?

I Do realize that we could go to a club and just watch, or just play with each other, but we entered the Lifestyle for the purpose of swapping, so that kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it? But I'm not sure I'm ready for sex with strangers. Not sure the club environment is all that conducive to getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable getting intimate with them.

Originally Posted by iapr

6. Are you someone that does not like crowds or feel that a club scene is not personal or intimate enough?

See answer to #4.
I like the idea of having a group of lifestyle people all together, to circumvent the whole "dating" process, but I worry that the club scene is just not my style. We are attending an off-premise dance in a few weeks, and hopefully that will be a happy medium for us.




Our main reason for not going to our only local club is that it has a terrible reputation. We have heard from several people that it is seedy, run-down and frequented by people, (mainly single guys) that apparently don't know the meaning of the word "NO".
Having said all of the above, I am curious, and would probably overcome all of our objections if we had a nice, well run club close by to visit at least once. We are considering visiting a club that is a few hours away, but it is too far away to be a regular thing.

[LikeMinds321]

We meet people both ways, but meeting privately has always been most successful for us.

Clubs can be fun, lively, lots of opportunity to flirt with different people and see new faces, but the clubs have rarely produced a play night for us unless we go to a club with a couple we've privately arranged beforehand to meet there, just to start the evening off. In those cases we all know we're playing with each other by the end of the night.

Around here we only have off-premise clubs and there doesn't seem to be a lot of hooking-up going on, at least that's what the buzz is. We find the clubs are geared toward a social night out for us more than a night to get lucky. The clubs are noisy so it's hard to talk, lots of interruptions so you can't keep a conversation focused, and for us it's more difficult to get intimate when we're yelling to hear each other and sardined in the place. Even what we discuss has to be monitored because people are so close that they would hear things we don't want to share with anyone but the people we are talking to, so it hinders our conversations.

We like private meets and have great success that way. We can choose a much nicer place to meet than what the local clubs offer, we have privacy, can talk about anything, can focus on the people we're with because no one is barging in to break up our conversation. We just do better one on one away from the clubs.

LM

[iapr]

Thanks for the great insights and info so far, I hope it keeps coming. I'll add some of my thoughts on the matter as well and I while I am an advocate of the clubs, at the end of the day I am just a garden variety swinger who's main interest is in having a fun and safe and comfortable time.

I often advocate clubs as a good place for people to MEET other people however I will concede that they are often not a great place to get to KNOW other people as someone has already mentioned. At times clubs can be loud and busy and there is so much going on it can be very distracting. Clubs can also be fairly competitive at times as well and you can be in the middle of a conversation with someone and someone else can come along and barge in and distract everyone.

It was mentioned above and I will also concede that in the case of off-premise clubs there can be a heck of a lot more dancing and flirting and socializing as opposed to playing. We fall into that catagory a lot ourselves in that when we go to our local off-premise club we go home without playing probably 75-90% of the time and we are probably some of the most socially active people there.

What the club does do for us is gives us a chance to meet a variety of people in an environment that is sexualized and exciting but yet somewhat insulated from any direct expectation to play. That gives us a chance to see if we are attracted to people and see if there is any chemistry and if the answer is yes there is a nearby hotel we could head to and if the answer is no then we just keep on partying and socializing and don't have to worry about being propositioned right then and there.

The club also gives us a good means of filtering out some of the questionable emails we get to our profile. If we get an email from someone we aren't sure if we want to devote an evening to meeting privately or not we can say that we plan on being at the club at such-and-such a date and if they go we can meet them there. Many times we never hear from them again and sometimes we meet and there is no interest and no harm done or time wasted and other times we have hit it off and good time was had by all.

Thanks for the responses so far. Please keep the discussions coming in. It has been an interesting thread so far.

[cocpl2007]

Maybe I should start it off with a couple specific questions to get the ball rolling.

1. Do you not go to clubs because you had a previous bad experience?

No. We don’t go to clubs because we just are not clubbers. Some folks really enjoy the interaction and showmanship of being out in a club atmosphere. Really you can be anything, and anybody you desire. In our experience that is often more the rule than the exception. Real folks - we have not frequented clubs enough to meet some. There are couples who thrive in the club atmosphere, we just happen to be the opposite of that couple.


2. Do you not go because you have had good success through other means and just have not had any reason to go?

We don’t go because we both know ourselves. Never have we ever met people who have become “friends” at a bar or club. Swinging or not. It is loud, crowded and has an energy of exhibitionism only snippets of conversation are possible. If you are turned on by physical appearance and popularity a club is a great place to show your wares and entice others. We need to know more about you as a person, than is possible to learn in a club atmosphere.


3. Are you or your partner intimidated or afraid to to go to a club?

We are not intimidated. We are not afraid. We simply are not “flock” people.

4. Do you think that clubs are just for the "hardcores" or that you do not think you are a "real swinger" and do not belong in a club?

Labels, labels, labels! If the term “swinger” applies to someone who has sex with people they don’t know, then we are far from “swingers.” If it simply applies to someone who has sex, or plays sexually with someone outside of their primary relationship, then we qualify. Never (which includes our time before we met each other) in our lives have we met someone for the very first time in a bar or club and engaged in sexual play. As a couple, it is beyond our desire.

5. Are you not a "bar person" and don't like the smoke, noise, competition, chaos etc etc?

That is certainly not our favorite gathering place

6. Are you someone that does not like crowds or feel that a club scene is not personal or intimate enough?

At this juncture we are in this community to meet other couples who are interested in friendship and frolic. Not being clubbers, or bar-types we do not anticipate those who enjoy that atmosphere would be attracted to us for either.


While sex is a physical act, our sexuality is very much a part of our being. Neither of us are the type of person who has superficial relationships, if someone is a friend, they know it, we know it. We know each others’ names, and a bit about who that person is. In a club atmosphere we are unable to make ourselves shut off our consciousness to accept what and who is at the club based upon only what we see and snippets of “cool” conversation.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by cocpl2007

At this juncture we are in this community to meet other couples who are interested in friendship and frolic. Not being clubbers, or bar-types we do not anticipate those who enjoy that atmosphere would be attracted to us for either.

That's not necessarily true at all. We like to hit the clubs cause it's fun but we are not superficial people and we enjoy getting to know people and appreciate what they have to offer just as much as the next person. Just because someone likes clubs does not make them a ditz or any less of a personal person. While we do like to go to clubs we also like quiet and person gatherings to for exactly the same reasons you have stated. We have friends that go to clubs and we have friends that don't and we appreciate them all for their own unique traits.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

That's not necessarily true at all. We like to hit the clubs cause it's fun but we are not superficial people and we enjoy getting to know people and appreciate what they have to offer just as much as the next person. Just because someone likes clubs does not make them a ditz or any less of a personal person. While we do like to go to clubs we also like quiet and person gatherings to for exactly the same reasons you have stated. We have friends that go to clubs and we have friends that don't and we appreciate them all for their own unique traits.

Have to "ditto" that. We like clubs (off and on-premise) for initially meeting people. Sometimes we do play there when we first meet people, sometimes we play there with people we've already met. For us we have found that a club atmosphere is a good way to get an initial feel for people, is it a great place to really get to know people? not so much. But, if we find that we like them in the club atmosphere then it's typically worthwhile to meet them again in a quieter atmosphere. Then again we are the type that typically like dance clubs and we always have. When we dated when we were young we often went out dancing together and still do, and personally I've met many of my best friends initially at a bar or club before getting to know them outside.

[JustMrJ]

So far we have mainly attended house/hotel parties as it feels more like a group of friends getting together for a social. Now, that being said. The first one we went to we didn't know a soul. It was good though as I had already gotten a good vibe from the host and hostess over the phone and mail prior to going.

To date we have had nothing but wonderful experiences at these parties... have one today as a matter of fact, in about 3 hours.

We've developed what we feel are mainly social friendships so far, nothing super close or 'best friend' level, but we are keeping our eyes open for that.

Have a fun weekend everyone!

[Dynamar]

1. Do you not go to clubs because you had a previous bad experience?

Nope... the few I've been to have been fine; however the closest one is over an hour from where I live, and the better ones in my region are further than that. I just don't have the desire or time to go often.

2. Do you not go because you have had good success through other means and just have not had any reason to go?

Most definitely! Although I'm not actively seeking new playmates at this time, most of the people I have met and played with have been contacts through the two sites I belong to. Tangentially, a group I belong to on one of the sites has hosted somewhat frequent and large M&Gs, and that is a good way to meet people or follow up online contacts, too. (The parties are held at a vanilla nightclub, usually in a private room that's closed to other club goers for most of the evening. It's the hotel afterparties where things get down to 'business'!)

3. Are you or your partner intimidated or afraid to to go to a club?

It's just me, no partner... but it's not that I'm intimidated or afraid at all. Just not much interest in that scene. I might feel differently if I were coupled, but I doubt it.


I don't think there's any foolproof, boilerplate answer for helping out people interested in the lifestyle but not sure which step to take first. There's lots of variables... individual personalities and comfort levels, geography, concentration of swingers in a certain locale, which sites are more useful where you live, and so on. What works for one, certainly isn't going to work for all.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Dynamar

Tangentially, a group I belong to

We enjoy the clubs, so I can't add to this thread.

I just wanted to say thanks to Dynamar for giving me a "Word of the Day" to play around with.

[starryeyes]

1. Do you not go to clubs because you had a previous bad experience?
No we haven't been to any clubs. Our preference has been one on one play.

2. Do you not go because you have had good success through other means and just have not had any reason to go?
We believe that sums it up. However its not to say that there aren't some really good people and people that we would be attracted to, we just haven't tried the club scene.

3. Are you or your partner intimidated or afraid to to go to a club?
Not intimidated just extremely cautious we guess.

4. Do you think that clubs are just for the "hardcores" or that you do not think you are a "real swinger" and do not belong in a club?
No not really on both accounts.

5. Are you not a "bar person" and don't like the smoke, noise, competition, chaos etc etc?
We enjoy the bars from time to time. No smoking ordinance here... wooo hooo!!!!

6. Are you someone that does not like crowds or feel that a club scene is not personal or intimate enough?
We enjoy crowds (bars) from time to time we also enjoy the intimate time spent with one other couple.