Approaching People at clubs

[JustAskJulie]

I just finished posting the below on the Yahoo Group for the club we frequent after a couple of people posting complaining that noone talked to them at the socials.....

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It was mentioned that it can be just as intimdating for the regulars to approach new people as it is for the new people. I think it's a great point and I wanted to expound on (my opinion) as to why that is.

Unfortunately, when it comes to swinging it often happens that many people take friendliness as flirtiness...or interest.

When we see new people at the social we don't know if they are new to swinging or just new to the social. For those who are new to swinging there are so many levels and quite often both halves a couple may be at different levels, so there may be the issue of not wanting to scare off the newbies.

If we approach them and are too nice/friendly then they may think we are coming onto them and get scared off that these people are so/too aggressive. However if we don't approach them at all, or aren't nice/friendly enough then we are branded a snob or clickish.

I've had situations where I've gone up and talked to people (not at NASC but at other parties), tried to have a conversation but felt like I was pulling teeth to get them to speak to me... then finally left and went back to talk to the people I knew ...and watched other people do the same thing, only to have that same person complain that no one talked to them.

Yes, in a way it is like HS, if you sit on the bleachers and expect everyone to come ask you to dance, you'll probably stay on the bleachers, if you get up and move around the room, bump into a few people you might just find yourself on the dance floor without even realizing it.... and you might even have some fun.

[BiloxiCouple]

We have seen the people who sit in the "corner" and do nothing and not move at all. We have also seen the people who introduce themselves to a new face.

We are regulars at our local club. We try say hi to everyone we know. Sometimes we just like to sit in the corner.

Sometimes we introduce ourselves to a new couple. The way we do it goes something like this: "Hi we are Billy & Elaine. This is the first time we have seen you here. Do you mind if we sit and talk for a couple of minutes?" This gives us a couple of options and opportunities. First they know someone's name now whether it is their first venture into the lifestyle or just visiting a new club. By asking if we can sit and talk for a couple of minutes, it gives us the opportunity to find out a little about them. Sometimes the couple of minutes lasts for a long time if everything clicks or it may just be really for a couple of minutes because it may not click and gives the chance to bow out gracefully.

Each time we go it varies on how we do things because of how we feel that evening. Most of the time it is just to get away from reality.

[getnit2gethr]

I'm the type who will say hi to anyone with a smile and I make eye contact with. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like. One dance my wife was chatting with a couple we knew and I was bored with the conversation so I just slid over and started talking with some corner sitters. They weren't particularly attractive to me but it was fun. I think I might have been the only person they talked to all night. But I too have a little trouble drawing the line between interest and friendliness, from both sides of the table.

Generally, I don't assume interest unless it's obvious. Often I am wrong but that's my policy. Some people who are at first friendly won't talk to us again if we make a pass at them. I figure they must be the newbies. Sometimes we get aproached by couples with extremely forward females. My favorite introductions are when we exchange hellos, maybe names, and then things spontaneously get close. The problem with those is that I'm often ready to go before I even know if my wife has met the guy, let alone hitting it off.

I just try and have fun and be friendly with everyone. I try not to worry what others might be thinking. That's my wife's job. I wish more people were direct though.

[catslaughing]

We have been to several types of lifestyle events and clubs and have seen all types, those on the walls, and those unafraid of anything. We just decided on our very first club trip that we would just act as if we were at a vanilla club. We ordered drinks, checked out the people around and started dancing.

Are we going to approach people hiding at a corner table? Hmm probably not unless they are just so smoking hot that they draw us in automagically :-) But the people that are having fun will make us WANT to approach them regardless of where they are in a club. I think a lot of you are missing the real joy of swinging with worries like these.

Scenario 1: Single us, would go out trying to meet people and if it went poorly or if no one we met was interesting it would end the night with us going home and at best enjoying some good masturbation :-)

Scenario 2: Couple us, married and happy and sexually wild? If we go out and no one is interesting or if the meetings all go wrong? I get to go home with the sexiest and tastiest woman that was there, and she goes home with a guy that can make every part of her body quiver before he makes her cum multiple times, all along building to a squirting orgasm of Old Faithful level proportions.

With this in mind, no swinger should ever approach a club with a fear of rejection or lack of fun, just go, be yourself, really you can be yourself plus the confidence of knowing that striking out, means that you and your sexually charged partner are going to be happy. our worst night out as swingers is better than either of us ever had as singles in the vanilla world.

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by catslaughing

With this in mind, no swinger should ever approach a club with a fear of rejection or lack of fun, just go, be yourself, really you can be yourself plus the confidence of knowing that striking out, means that you and your sexually charged partner are going to be happy. Our worst night out as swingers is better than either of us ever had as singles in the vanilla world.

Very well said!!

Sarah

[sereneiders]

Because of this I believe clubs should have someone at charge of the RRPP who explicitly isn't there to swing (so, imposing no threat to the newbies), able to find out where the newcomers are along the path as to introduce people being in the same page, or at least, by making explicit where the newcomers are, since this isn't something clear for beginners to express, moreover if in the rush of tasting the swinging waters for the frist time.

[TheSwingerSet]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Because of this I believe clubs should have someone at charge of the RRPP who explicitly isn't there to swing (so, imposing no threat to the newbies), able to find out where the newcomers are along the path as to introduce people being in the same page, or at least, by making explicit where the newcomers are, since this isn't something clear for beginners to express, moreover if in the rush of tasting the swinging waters for the frist time.

At our events we do exactly this in a sense,
New couples or single fems who are intrested in attending an event can contact us ahead of time and we set them up with what we call a "Big Swinger" somewhat like a big brother or sister, but its a experienced couple who will a) talk to the new people on the phone or through IM to answer their questions. b) Before the new couples, first event they will meet for dinner and escort the new couple in and introduce them to others. The big swingers have made a promise to us that they will avoid and encounter with the new couple until after their first event, allowing a comfort level for the newbies.

For the wallflowers/corner sitters at a party we have several couples who are very out going, its their job to seek these people out and talk to them and add that comfort level on a no pressure basis.

And the most important thing that we do is that Leah and I as hosts do a newbie talk to all first time attendees, we don't follow what we have seen at other events where we get up and preach to them for 10 minutes, we get all the new people aside at a table or 2 and sit down and talk to them, we go over the rules, tips for making the most of their night and answer thier questions in a small group. There have been a few events where we have had to do 2 or 3 groups of new people each, because we try and keep each group to around 8 people. We have found that this adds a level of comfort and people are much more willing to ask the "dumb" question, where they won't in a large group.

I truly wish that more people would take our approch to making a new couple/single feel that they belong and are wanted. nothing hurts us more than to see a couple sitting by themselves at an event that is supposed to be a fun time for all.

One of the Key points we stress in all our talks is that "You only get out what you are willing to put in" We find that if this is made clear that most people shy or not will see the logic and try and put forth their best effort.

Kent

You may have noticed that I feel very strongly about this issue, the reason being that we have had so many people who have come to our events and told us that they went to this club or that meet n greet and they felt left out so they didn't go again for months or years, and in my eyes this is a loss to our communitee that can never be made up for. This is the main reason we decided to start our own club.

[TwoLittleBirds]

It's sometimes a real effort for either of us to walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. Those "silly" get to know you games and so on actually help. And what are typically referred to as Ice Breakers. Of course, it wasn't at a swingers club we saw these in practice; just various social events. Do swingers clubs have any help for people who start off shy?

While a lot of people don't seem to really dig swinger sites, we like it because it's easier for us to Email someone a "hello" and start a conversation than it is to actually walk up to someone and start a conversation.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Unfortunately, when it comes to swinging it often happens that many people take friendliness as flirtiness...or interest.

This is something that we have encountered numerous times.

We, especially me, are always very conscious of saying hello to new people. We remember the very first social we attended where we sat in the corner and no one spoke to us all night. On the first club visit we made, the owner/host made sure that he spoke to us and introduced us to as many people as he could. He made our night very enjoyable and relaxed.

A few years later when we hosted our own social we made sure to implement what we had learned from him.

To this day, we still try and speak to as many people as we can no matter where we are at. One of the problems we have found is that a lot of new people will take a friendly "hello, how are you doing tonight" as an indication that we are interested in them, which is not always the case...we're just trying to be friendly and help them relax and enjoy their evening. We've had to politely say no thank you to a few newbie couples because of this but...we've also found some very good playmates as well.

Even with the problems that seasoned swingers sometimes face with being friendly to new people at clubs/socials, we still believe that it's very important to take a few minutes and say hello.


Teresa

[Tia Vampire]

we really are'nt approach until i, the female half start dancing. if i don't dance, it seem we have a dull night. when i hear reagea music, it just brings out the freak in me. the club that we attend does not have much to offer, but the few he does have get me into the party mood.we don't approach anyone, we wait until we are approached. we do hug and kiss the people we do know, then head over to our corner until the dj plays some good music. no matter if i dance or not, we always try to have fun where ever we go.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by catslaughing

We have been to several types of lifestyle events and clubs and have seen all types, those on the walls, and those unafraid of anything. We just decided on our very first club trip that we would just act as if we were at a vanilla club. We ordered drinks, checked out the people around and started dancing.

Great Post!

This is what I don't get. Why do people going to a swinger club expect it to be any different (in regards to talking to people) than it would be at a vanilla club.

When I posted my original post above it was in response to where a newbie couple had said they felt like the social they went to was like being in HS... and yeah it kinda is. If you sit on the bleachers like a bump on a log then that's what you'll get treated like. If you get out there and have fun on your own (hopefully with your date if you have one) then people will see fun and be attracted to it.

Originally Posted by TheSwingerSet

we get all the new people aside at a table or 2 and sit down and talk to them, we go over the rules, tips for making the most of their night and answer thier questions in a small group. There have been a few events where we have had to do 2 or 3 groups of new people each, because we try and keep each group to around 8 people. We have found that this adds a level of comfort and people are much more willing to ask the "dumb" question, where they won't in a large group.

I think that another thing doing something like this does is allow the newbies to meet each other and see that there are others there on the same page as them. They get an easy way to meet other people and for the rest of the night have someone to talk to.

For the record, my post was not intended to say that seasoned swingers should not be friendly to newbies, but to show that there are two sides to the coin. The worst part is that too often what I've seen after the fact is that the people who cry the loudest about people being clicky or snobbish were the ones that even when effort was made towards them it was like they had a wall up. Or they expected everyone to just fall all over them.

I think it all goes back to Catslaughing's post... if you are going to a social go with your partner to have fun with each other, just as you would any other club.