clubs and swinging

[mrfreeway]

We've been swinging for about 2 yrs now. It seems very hard to meet cpls. in our area. About 6 mths ago we deceided to try the club scene. We never talked to anyone that had been members at any clubs. So we were going in blind. We didn't really know what to expect at the clubs. But we did know that we were having no luck in meeting people through other sites and so forth. I'm not sure if I should mention the club name on here but I'm going to so that everyone knows what to expect if they ever join the same club we have. We live in southcenteral Pa and there are about 3 clubs within an hour and a half drive. We looked them up on the net and deceided to join TJ's. It's a club northwest of Harrisburg. It is somewhat expensive to first join for a cpl. If I remember it's around $125. But that includes a years membership. I'm not trying to give a review of the club but I would like everyone to know what to expect if they join this club. I don't know if all clubs are mostly the same or not so please don't think that every club is like this.
After your first visit it will cost you about $75 per cpl each time. This includes a meal and snacks. I have to admit that the meal is extremely good. You have your choices of many things and they are all very good, form steak to crab cakes.
On our first visit you get a tour and are told what the club is about and are told specific rules. The club was big and open. There are many private rooms and an open room along with a beautifly hot tub. There is a shopping room for all the ladies to but that special outfit for their guys. There is an out door pool for summer use along with a patio area with umbrella tables. In the open room there are 3 beds with 2 couches and coffee tables. above the beds is a tv playing adult video's. We thought this is going to be great. This is where you want to go to meet other swingers. Well how wrong we were. We've been back about 4-5 times since then and have yet to meet anyone, even just to start up a conversation. It seems to us that the majority of the people arrive with other cpls. and if you don't know them they don't say hello to you or anything. Don't get me wrong, TJ's is a great place but it's not where you will meet anyone. Dinner is served around 8pm and we usually arrive around 7:30. It don't close till 3am. We've stayed up till 2am before and by then the place is vertuially vacant. Most of the people seem to stay in their rooms and play. There is never any open doors. For those that are new an open door is when the door is left open and anyone can join in the fun. If the door is closed you don't knock or come in at all. In the open room you will hardly find anyone on the beds playing. Last time we were there the cpl fell asleep while the lady was giving the guy a B.J. What a site that was and how funny. We were really hoping to meet other swinging cpls there. Even if you don't get to play that night we'd still like to meet others just to get to know them and maybe get togeather for a nice dinner some weekend and ect...... Well so far that hasn't happened and were looking at other clubs. It's a shame you drive 90 miles and can't even meet anyone.
If anyone else has had these problems please reply and let me know what you think. Or am I completely wrong with what I just said, thanks.
Mrfreeway

[JustAskJulie]

Try a different club. Clubs vary. Most don't charge more on the first visit, but still include a membership with that first visit. It is always worth calling and asking about prices ahead of time and asking just what you get for that price.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by mrfreeway

Well how wrong we were. We've been back about 4-5 times since then and have yet to meet anyone, even just to start up a conversation. It seems to us that the majority of the people arrive with other cpls. and if you don't know them they don't say hello to you or anything.

Do you get up and talk to people? Have you initiated any hellos? If you haven't I would go to them and not wait for them to come to you. I've only gone a couple times but I find myself striking up conversations with people who are out and about, walking around. I even strike up small talk with people in groups... I introduce myself and ask how long they've been coming and let them know I'm new and just want to get to know people. I'm enthusiastic when I talk to them so they know we're fun to talk to and hang around. It works well and we have a great time just talking to the various people. If you're not initiating any conversation then I don't think going to a different club would make a difference.

[good times]

I have to agree with ALilOEverything here, I can't tell you how many times we have had people tell us that they thought that the people at the clubs were cliqueish or unfriendly and then when we finally see them at the club it is obvious that they just aren't making the effort to get to know people. It is true as regulars at the local clubs we often go and spend the majority of the night visiting with other people we know, on a busy night just visiting for a couple minutes with each of our friends may take a couple of hours. But we never get tired of meeting new people and all they have to do is come up to us and say hi and introduce themselves. Once in a while we will make arrangements to hook up with another couple at the club for play and I can see how in those cases someone might say that we were unavailable to meet but that is more the exception than the rule for us.

On the other hand, I suspect that with the club you went to being as expensive as it is, it may make it more common for people to make sure they have someone they know to meet up with so it isn't a wash for the evening if they don't meet anybody.

So I would say if you have already put forth maximum effort and still haven't met anybody, try a different club.

By the way, we have only been to a few clubs, but I have noticed that the more inexpensive it is to go to the club the more people their are to meet. Our local clubs have nights when they allow single males for a small cover charge and all couples get in free, those are the best nights to meet new people, in our experiance.

[DBStPete]

I suspect ALOE is spot-on. I say that with some chagrin.

Our own club experiences about 8-10 years ago, while not quite as bad as yours, were in the main disappointing, for the same sorts of reasons you cite. I recently read other comments on this board similar to what ALOE is saying, and looking back in retrospect, I think those comments applied very much to us.

Yes, it's true there is some cliquishness, and it's also true that people often want to play with the folks they have found to be compatible before. In other words, they're friends! No big shock that they would choose to have sex with each other again. Also, I think, no surprise that folks who have partied together, and shared that kind of intimate closeness, would seem rather "tight" and bonded to someone just walking up.

OTOH, every one of those couples somehow managed to break the ice. They moved from newbies to friends somehow. They weren't born swingers. If the not-newbies won't reach out to you (and maybe not a surprise, given what I wrote above), then you're going to have to reach out to them.

For us all this is difficult because we never learned to do it when we were kids. We were both sort of in the nerdy loser class at school, and I'm not sure that either of us ever had a "date" in the way most people mean it. We just didn't do that. So, some things that humans need to learn, we did a poor job of learning. Now it's difficult. Funny how it can take most of a lifetime sometimes to see your younger years clearly.

You know what I think we've decided to do? We're going to go take dancing lessons. We just started talking about this in the last few weeks. B brought it up as something she thought would be fun. I looked into it seriously for the first time today. There's a ton of that stuff around here. Who knew? That should do a lot for our confidence and ability to mingle. I guess we'll see.

One way or another, I think you guys just need to work harder on the socializing stuff. Yes, I know it's scary and very difficult if you're not good at it, but that is the game here. I bet you *can* do it, you just have to get up the gumption and stick at it.

Good luck!

Mr. DBStPete

[bear_and_babe]

mrfreeway-

Check your PM box, I sent you a message.

[SwingerSet]

Hi,

As a club owner I hate to see stuff like this, Now our club is Off-Premises so its a bit different but (Yeah there is alway a but) We go out of our way to make sure that everyone is haveing a good time.

Some of the things we do:
We always have host couples that make the rounds and talk to the new couples, and introduce tham to people.

For first timers we offer a big swinger program, If a new couple is intrested we put them in contact with a couple that has been around fo awhile, This couple is there to answer questions, introduce you to people and help you get past some of those fears that everyone has in a new situation.

Others have said it but it can't be said loud enough, You will only get out what you put in. If you are going to wait for people to come to you then you aren't going top meet many people.

Kent