They lied about their relationship status - how would you respond?

[JustAskJulie]

Ok, so I posted about this in my blog the other day....

Basically, we went to a party in Memphis this last weekend and ran into a couple that we had met previously in Nashville on a few occasions. The couple is attractive and we might have played with them before now but the first time we met them the guy told Pet that they were married but not to each other... in fact his wife thought he was in another city at that moment. Once we discovered that, while we've been corgial we've not been friendly.

Well, as things go, you see people in a situation you aren't expecting them and you don't realize who they are right away... that's what happened in Memphis. It took talking to them for a few minutes before we realized who they were and once we realized it was like "we need to find out if that is still the case". We originally met them over a year ago so things could change and they definately seemed a lot more "connected" now than they had when we first met them. So we decided to just ask them. While I was dancing with the woman, Pet asked the guy if the situation was still the same. When we returned from the dancefloor Pet told me that the situation had been remedied. Cool. So we continued the evening and ended up having some "fun" with them.

The problem came after the fun when I was talking to the female and mentioned to her that we'd always thought they were attractive but had avoided them because of their situation but since the guy had said that the situation had been remedied..... the look on her face let me know that might not be the case so I changed my verbage to see what she would say and said "or being remedied" and she was like "well it needs to be, we're working on it... etc". I let her know that that was not a cool situation for us and one that we did not want to be involved in.

Looking back, what I should have done was asked her about the situation while Pet was asking the guy... but since the original conversation was between the guys I figured it was a conversation they should have and that he'd be honest (since he was before). We've discussed it and feel it is possible that it was loud in there and that the guy might have misheard Pet's questions or not heard him at all and just answered "yes".

When we got home we had a note from them on Swing Lifestyle about how they enjoyed seeing us, etc. With no mention of the situation. So, what would you do? Would you ignore the message? Would you write back and be honest and point out that while yes we had a good time we don't want to get involved in their situation.... or for that matter we don't want to get involved with people who lie and cheat on their spouse?

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

When we got home we had a note from them on Swing Lifestyle about how they enjoyed seeing us, etc. With no mention of the situation. So, what would you do? Would you ignore the message? Would you write back and be honest and point out that while yes we had a good time we don't want to get involved in their situation.... or for that matter we don't want to get involved with people who lie and cheat on their spouse?

Be honest, its always works for us, with each other and others as well. Since you're only hearing one side of their story, perhaps the words "lying" and "cheating" should be avoided when communicating with them. FWIW, we feel the same way you do.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm not sure what we could be missing that would make the "lying and cheating" be inaccurate. They have told us that they are married to other people. The first time we met them the guy told us outright that his wife thought he was somewhere else (as in not at a swinger club with another woman). And the female this time around admitted to me that yes they are still married to other people and that they have to be very discreet to avoid getting caught in their very small town where everyone knows both of them. So while I can't say for sure he lied to US in regards to the status of their situation (as I said he might have misheard the questions), but either way they are lying to their spouses and cheating on them.

[VanHlebar]

Well this is quiet a mess you have gotten yourselves into.

We would have to say that we would send them back a response via Swing Lifestyle and just say that although we really liked them we just couldn't continue to play with them as we don't agree with their choices and that we couldn't continue to be part of it.

Honesty is always hard, especially if you might run into them again at another club, but if you do not do it then you are going eventually have a major issue when you run into them again at the club.

For me personally at this point, even if they responded back that they had finally separated or divorced their original spouses, I couldn't go back there as I just wouldn't know if I could believe them now or not.

Good luck with the situation.... I don't envy your position, well at least not this one anyways.

-Van

[sweet_tna]

Honesty is the best policy. You told the woman you avoided playing with them before because they were not married/commited only to each other. The only reason you agreed to play with them this time was because you were led to believe--perhaps by a miscommunication that this was no longer the case. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt here, just to be polite. If, however, they deliberately misled you, then they're not just lying to their spouses.

[gatorvol64]

Hindsight is so good, isn't it? You handled it how you thought was the best at the time. With the guys talking about it. Your best is all you can ever do.

You've basically already told her how you feel about this. Knowing that, it shouldn't surprise them if you state it once again. Since they contacted you after being told your feelings on the situation, I see not reason why not to spell it out plainly for them. Elaborate on what you told her at the club if necessary. Unless you do, I feel they may contact you again.

Vol

[jnjswingcpl]

I would definately reply to the message. If I were in the position you are in, I would let them know how much of a good time we had, but that playing again, while would be great fun, would not be possible. Even if the situation was completely taken care of, the trust has been broken. If they are willing to not be truthful about this situation, I would be too worried that there may be more issues that they have not been truthful about, such as diseases. If they (and it sounds like mostly him) are willing to lie about the situation to have a good time, it would be possible in my mind for them to lie about being clean to have a good time. Honesty, I have found, is the most important trait in a lifestyle couple, and in the partners they choose. Any lack in truth would be a show stopper for me, no matter if it came from a playmate, or from my wife. And I know my wife feels exactly the same way.

[fun4Ds]

Since you let her know in person that you and pet are not cool with their situation. I think I would just let the e mail go unanswered....

[cocpl2007]

Ouch!

Honesty on your behalf is always the best policy. You let them know the first time you and Pet met them, that their personal circumstance is not something you will knowingly involve yourselves in. So, what do they do the next time they see you; they eliminate the "knowingly!" Regardless of what he told Pet outside of your hearing, THEY both knew from your previous meeting how you felt about their...cheating! SO now they lie to you. Not a problem for them, because it sounds like they are both lying to their respective spouses. Think about it, why would it be more important for them to NOT lie to you, when their very presence at the party you are attending is the result of a LIE to their spouse/s!

Perhaps the best way to proceed, is what others have already suggested, reply via Swing Lifestyle, letting them know a mistake was made, which you and Pet are not interested in making again.

[jdavisauto]

Honesty is aways the best. Just be honest with them and ask them. There is no place in the swinger's lifestyle for dishonesty of any kind.
Now back about 1 1/2 years ago we met a couple that was not married to each other. After talking to them they were both seperated from their spouses and getting a divorce. They got married about a year ago and we all became good friends and still see each other today.

[tribbles]

I'd tell them we had a good time.

Then I'd just not meet up and play again.

You can always say 'No, thanks", in person if you happen to run into each other again.

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I'm not sure what we could be missing that would make the "lying and cheating" be inaccurate. They have told us that they are married to other people. The first time we met them the guy told us outright that his wife thought he was somewhere else (as in not at a swinger club with another woman). And the female this time around admitted to me that yes they are still married to other people and that they have to be very discreet to avoid getting caught in their very small town where everyone knows both of them. So while I can't say for sure he lied to US in regards to the status of their situation (as I said he might have misheard the questions), but either way they are lying to their spouses and cheating on them.

How about saying that yes, you had a good time too, but that given their situation and the nature of their relationship, that you and Pet are not comfortable seeing them again, for personal reasons. This is honest and to the point, without pointing any fingers, unless that is something you want to do (scold them).

[JustMrJ]

Julie,
I would agree with the polite honesty. Let them know that you did in fact enjoy their company, but you feel that since they are not committed to each other and are not honest with their spouses, that you could not in good conscience continue any sort of relationship with them (playing or friendship) as you have a rule to be honest with not only your spouse but anyone either of you play with.

I applaud you for sticking to your guns. It's too bad it wasn't communicated properly before the play went down.

*HUGS* to you and Pet

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by cocpl2007

You let them know the first time you and Pet met them, that their personal circumstance is not something you will knowingly involve yourselves in.

Not in so many words...ok, not really at all. Like I said the conversation that occured was between Pet and the other guy. Pet filled me in later in the evening and we agreed that that was something we didn't want to get involved in (to each other). As far as letting them know, we simply avoided them after that. I don't know what Pet's initial reaction to the guy was when he told him that or what exactly was said. This was over a year ago and the memory of what exactly may have been said at that time has dimmed. We simply avoided them when we saw them after that. Which had we realized who they were initially this time around we would have continued to do. Unfortunately, when you see people out of context sometimes you don't recognize/remember them right away. It wasn't until they filled in some memory gaps for us about who they were (without filling in the important part) that it occured to me.

Originally Posted by jnjswingcpl

I would definately reply to the message. If I were in the position you are in, I would let them know how much of a good time we had, but that playing again, while would be great fun, would not be possible. Even if the situation was completely taken care of, the trust has been broken. If they are willing to not be truthful about this situation, I would be too worried that there may be more issues that they have not been truthful about, such as diseases. If they (and it sounds like mostly him) are willing to lie about the situation to have a good time, it would be possible in my mind for them to lie about being clean to have a good time. Honesty, I have found, is the most important trait in a lifestyle couple, and in the partners they choose. Any lack in truth would be a show stopper for me, no matter if it came from a playmate, or from my wife. And I know my wife feels exactly the same way.

This is something that we have discussed. At this point it really wouldn't matter what they said about their situation we couldn't believe them because we would feel like they were lying to us to make us feel better.

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Since you let her know in person that you and pet are not cool with their situation. I think I would just let the e mail go unanswered....

We have wondered if they really communicate these things at all. For example she wasn't sure that he had told us about their situation to begin with. I don't know if that was just a glitch and perhaps he just didn't fill her in on it. Her comment to me this time was "we couldn't remember if he had told you guys about that or not". Which makes it clear that they aren't always honest about the situation. But, combined with their message on Swing Lifestyle it makes me wonder if she bothered to fill him in on our bathroom conversation.


All in all, I think those that have said that an honest response is a good idea are correct, mainly because I KNOW chances are good we will run into them again, considering how many times we have encountered them over the last year and a half.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

At this point it really wouldn't matter what they said about their situation we couldn't believe them because we would feel like they were lying to us to make us feel better.

I look at it this way, too. A couple like this has got to have run into the problem of people avoiding them once they learned they are cheaters. They probably are in the habit of being vague with their answers (or at least he is) in an attempt to keep from losing people to swing with.

We have wondered if they really communicate these things at all.

I doubt it.

We had a situation early on in swinging where we were communicating to a couple we had set a date to meet. We thought they were married, they weren't, however they were both single. We also thought they lived together, they didn't. We found this out when one night when I was IMing with him he jacked off, I thought she was right there with him getting into it, I even mentioned her a few times. Turns out not so. She was furious with him and that let me know communication between a couple who doesn't live together isn't so easy to stay on top of. Your couple certainly doesn't live together since they are married to other people. Who knows how often they get a chance to talk.

All in all, I think those that have said that an honest response is a good idea are correct, mainly because I KNOW chances are good we will run into them again, considering how many times we have encountered them over the last year and a half.

I think this is best. Make your position known now.

Good luck!

LM