Invited to House Party, host made it clear she did not want to play with my husband

[bill_n_lana]

Hi there
Thanks in advance for the help and/or suggestions.
We are relatively new to the swinging experience. So far we have had a great time BUT we did finally have a not so good experience. It wasn't bad enough to stop playing but I'd like some input from people with a little more experience.
A couple we've known a while and played with many times invited us to their house party this weekend. We'd never been to one and it sounded like fun.
We were having a great time playing and...well you guys should know
About two am me and the party hostess were outside and I said something about my hubby who hadn't came yet. And the hostess then told me something really not nice about my husband. I won't list out all the details but it really came down to she had a problem with my husband and didn't want to play with him at all anymore which is fine but why in the heck would these people invite us over to spend the weekend if they had a problem with us?
We weren't pushy, we didn't ask for an invite and we almost didn't go but that same hostess called us for days begging us to go. It wasn't bad begging really I thought they were our friends.
I am a pretty straight shooter and if I am not interested in people or don't like a situation I tell people immediately.
It really hurt my feelings that she invited us like that and failed to tell us about her problem before we arrived. We talk on the phone quite a bit and hang out as often as we can so it wasn't like the situation couldn't have been brought up before. She tried to be nice and just pass it off as nothing but I am so in love with husband I can't bring myself to hang out with people that don't like him. We live in a very rural area so we drove 2 hours each way to spend the weekend with these people. Granted I packed up our stuff and left as soon as it got light. We didn't cause any drama either we just slipped out the back door and left without anyone noticing and told just the man half of the host we were going to take off.
Obviously this bothered me. Is this the norm for house parties? Do people normally tell you they have a problem before inviting you? Should we just expect this sort of stuff from the lifestyle? I'm quite a bit younger and more attractive than this couple. I'm not hung up on looks but I get this weird feeling they have been inviting us cause it makes other people that are vacillating want to come and hang out with them when their cute younger couple friends come to. Were these people rude or am I just over reacting.
We were rude just to leave like that? I just didn't want to cause a scene or make problems for the hosts or the other people that were there.

[2inVT]

Wow. This is NOT the norm for house parties. Certainly you could be invited if the hosts are not interested in playing with you, but it's pretty rude of them to make an issue out of it like that.

That said, there are a couple different versions of house parties, and from what you posted, I can't tell which way this one went. There are house parties where many people are invited, and those who want to get together do so, sort of privately or with an audience. This is the sort that you might be invited to by hosts who don't want to play with you.

Then, there are house parties where only a few couples are invited and it's sort of planned to be more of a group puppy pile style of playing. That is, the party is for the purpose of having that howevermany-some playtime.

Which was most like your party?

In the second type, the group deal, the hosts just would not invite people they don't want to have sex with.

I'd have left that way, too, I think.

The other thing is, why did this woman tell YOU about her issue with your husband? To begin with, why is she not telling HIM, if it's something he can fix? For instance, if he doesn't touch her the way she wants, she needs to tell HIM. And if it's something he can't fix (like, he reminds her of her uncle, or that she simply finds him unattractive) then a simple "no thank you" to play requests is all that she needs to say. Criticizing your husband to you is a really stupid move.

[bill_n_lana]

Thanks for the response.
It was the second sort of party with just a few couples. All of whom we had played with before more than once.
Not wanting to have sex isn't the problem. My problem was based on the not telling me ahead of time there was an issue. It was a really long drive for us. These are people we talk to quite a bit. I can't see any reason for them to invite us like that and never say one word about only liking me and not my husband until 2am. None of drink or anything either so it wasn't a case of getting liquored up and having something slip out.
I'm glad thats not the norm because thats going to leave a bad taste in my mouth for a while.

[Pepper & Drew]

Just because the hostess wasn't interested in playing with you doesn't mean that they didn't think you'd be a good addition to the party. Maybe they thought some of their friends would be interested in you.

What I don't understand is why on earth she felt the need to tell you, unsolicited, why they're not interested in playing with your hubby. While you're going to find that there are people that aren't going to be interested in one or both of you and will have to learn to deal with the rejection, it sounds like something else is at work here. Maybe she thought that you were trying to pressure her into playing with your husband with your comment, and really didn't appreciate the pressure? Maybe he said or did something during the night that changed her opinion of him and that's why they didn't mention it before the party? It's hard to say, but without more information, it's difficult to say.

Chalk it up to experience. I think you handled it well. It's sure better than hauling off and hitting her, or dissolving into a shouting match. That tends to ruin the party mood for some reason.

Pepper

[BiloxiCouple]

You and your husband are there for yourselves first and foremost.

When you start becoming "friends' after having sex, the relationship gets alot more complicated. Just like having to be "friends" before swinging. Possible complications.

Sex with strangers for us is normally best. We don't need all the e-mails, phone calls, etc. That is just not us. Drama Free!!!

Besides, what could have been so bad that she didn't want to swing with your husband anymore In her mind it must of been something It sounds like her delivery may need some work You can swing with someone several times and decide that you don't want to swing with them again for alot of reasons.

I think you did a good thing by slipping out the back door. It is drama free. Now learn from the experience and decide which way you want to go.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by bill_n_lana

Hi there
Thanks in advance for the help and/or suggestions.
We are relatively new to the swinging experience. So far we have had a great time BUT we did finally have a not so good experience. It wasn't bad enough to stop playing but I'd like some input from people with a little more experience.
A couple we've known a while and played with many times invited us to their house party this weekend. We'd never been to one and it sounded like fun.
We were having a great time playing and...well you guys should know
About two am me and the party hostess were outside and I said something about my hubby who hadn't came yet. And the hostess then told me something really not nice about my husband. I won't list out all the details but it really came down to she had a problem with my husband and didn't want to play with him at all anymore which is fine but why in the heck would these people invite us over to spend the weekend if they had a problem with us?
<SNIP>

I would first off, ask how many other people attended, this might be a key to where they were coming from..

We weren't pushy, we didn't ask for an invite and we almost didn't go but that same hostess called us for days begging us to go. It wasn't bad begging really I thought they were our friends.

I would say the again, given the fact that they invited you, and DID want you there, is a very important key..

I am a pretty straight shooter and if I am not interested in people or don't like a situation I tell people immediately.

It really hurt my feelings that she invited us like that and failed to tell us about her problem before we arrived. We talk on the phone quite a bit and hang out as often as we can so it wasn't like the situation couldn't have been brought up before. She tried to be nice and just pass it off as nothing but I am so in love with husband I can't bring myself to hang out with people that don't like him. We live in a very rural area so we drove 2 hours each way to spend the weekend with these people. Granted I packed up our stuff and left as soon as it got light. We didn't cause any drama either we just slipped out the back door and left without anyone noticing and told just the man half of the host we were going to take off.

Obviously this bothered me. Is this the norm for house parties? Do people normally tell you they have a problem before inviting you? Should we just expect this sort of stuff from the lifestyle? I'm quite a bit younger and more attractive than this couple. I'm not hung up on looks but I get this weird feeling they have been inviting us cause it makes other people that are vacillating want to come and hang out with them when their cute younger couple friends come to. Were these people rude or am I just over reacting.
We were rude just to leave like that? I just didn't want to cause a scene or make problems for the hosts or the other people that were there.

Ok.. I left the remainder un chopped to allow the rest to flow..

Here is the thing, Since we have no clue as to the problem this woman had, we really can't tell if this was simply a personal issue, or a real problem. Her say she wasnt into playing with your husband wasnt saying she didnt like either of you anymore.. Again, the details left out might be the clue to the real issue lurking here. Did they play together, prior to the 2am talk? If so, maybe it was a case where, she was pissed off over whatever it is he DID, and was giving it another try to see if it happend again.

As to why they invited you if this was an issue, perhaps it was to expose you to more people and see if you found any of them, fun. or vise versa..

Years ago, we invited a bunch of friends to get together for a nite o fun.. and we invited a single guy that my wife really didnt care for, but invited him because.. Just because she didnt want to have sex with him, didnt mean they werent freinds.. or more over, maybe someone else attending would find his STYLE appealing.. worked out great, he actually hooked up with a single woman who attended.. last we knew they were still together

So, the final thing is, If this womans comments pissed you off to the degree they did, why not over a cup o coffee the next morning, talk to the husband about it, and would have been a perfect time to find out the answers to half these question directly from the source.

One other comment, when this 2am talk occured, did it appear that she was, well, a bit drunk? We all know that, alcohol fueled conversations can be crude, and tend to bring out shit that never is spoken about any other time..

[tribbles]

Was this a case of you hinting your husband had not cum yet and she could go "take care of him" and she declined because she likes him but doesn't want to play with him again? And she told you why she doesn't want to play with him and that hurt your feelings? Not wanting to play with someone again doesn't mean not liking them.

Unless it was just the four of you, what's the problem? There were others there at the party that enjoyed both of you. Let hubby know he is off her play list but on her friends list.

[iapr]

Been there done that! I have had a very similar situation occur recently.

I can relate to what happened as recently we were at a house party and at one point the co-hostess took mrs iapr off to the side and said that she was not interested in me at all but that they enjoy our company and consider us friends. We are good friends with the host couple and owners of the house and feel we are part of both of their circle of friends. Anyway she didn't come right out and say it but her real message was "when the clothes start coming off tonight, keep him away from me."

This was no news flash as we have never connected with this couple and had no intentions or aspirations of playing with them anyway and even seriously considered not going to the party and had an exit stratagy in place if it was just a small gathering and we didn't want to be in close quarters with them.

As they were the co-hosts of this party and were oranizing it with the host couple they were gracious in including us on the invitation list and were gracious to us in their co-hosting duties but made it clear she didn't want to play with me and that is fair.

My point to all of that background is I know where you are coming from and can feel your pain to a degree.

Now my question for you is when you told er your hubby had not came yet were you overtly or subtley asking her to play with him or suggesting that as the hostess she should drain him? If so, even if it were a subtle hint then she was within her right to decline. I realize there is more to it since you have played before but often times people don't play together on an ongoing basis and people do move on. What may have been fine and dandy the first few times is now no longer fun for her regardless of her reasons.


You were probably invited because they still feel you are within their circle of friends and that you would have gotten along well with the other guests. the beauty of a house party is there is often enough people there that if one person doesn't interest you another will and you can blend into the crowd and not have any problems.


What may be at issue with you most is that this hit you out of the blue without any forewarning or previous knowledge of any problems. It sounds as if she did not handle it very tactfully or respectfully and I think you do have just cause to feel a little offended.

[bill_n_lana]

Thanks for all the responses. It was a small party 3 couples and a single female. The single female was someone no one had played with before but we all knew her a little bit from a previous meet and greet we attended. I think thats where the problems started. The host had sort of thought the single gal was just for him but forgot to tell anyone that part. That chick was really in to my hubby not the host and they had a great time and they played for hours. He hadn't played with anyone that whole evening except me and the single gal. And you are correct I was offering the hostess to finish off my hubby. The hostess then really said some mean shit. It wasn't just a I'm not interested sort of rejection she said things about how my husband was not respecting boundaries and how it was a problem before and then she went in to how he was hogging up the single gal. Thats what pissed me off if this was some sort of previous problem I don't understand why you'd invite someone and not tell them. We haven't played with them in a few months but I have talked to her tons of times and really if there was a problem with boundaries or anything else there were plenty of previous opportunities to bring it up. These people are much older than us and have been swinging together for more than ten years its not like this is new to them like it is to us.
And yep guess I'll just have to chalk that one up as a learning experience. Biloxicouple we actually had originally intended not to get to personally involved with people so I guess thats where we probably should have stayed. We just live somewhere fairly rural so traveling to m&g's to meet new strangers can be a little rough but I've learned the drama just isn't worth it.
thanks everyone and glad I found this site looks there is some great information on it.

[tribbles]

she went in to how he was hogging up the single gal.

She is the drama queen and experience makes no difference.

No one can hog a single gal. They play with who they want, when they want.

[two42lovers]

No one can hog a single gal. They play with who they want, when they want.

Have to disagree. Some guys have come to our house parties and "hogged" the women they find attractive. We've seen women hog the women they find attractive, too. They've cut in on two people who are having sex, and push the one out of their way - literally cutting in and taking over. They push to have sex multiple times with the women they want, are very aggressive, they don't ask, and they do what they can get away with by being pushy. Needless to say, these types are not invited back.

[good times]

I hate to say it, but the smaller house parties that we have been to have all been just like this one appears to have been. That is, the hosts have an agenda for the evening, and if you get in the way of that agenda, the drama ensues. That is why we rarely do house parties any more, especially the smaller ones.

[2inVT]

Originally Posted by two42lovers

Have to disagree. Some guys have come to our house parties and "hogged" the women they find attractive. We've seen women hog the women they find attractive, too. They've cut in on two people who are having sex, and push the one out of their way - literally cutting in and taking over. They push to have sex multiple times with the women they want, are very aggressive, they don't ask, and they do what they can get away with by being pushy. Needless to say, these types are not invited back.

In those cases, I think the one who is targeted is just as much at fault as the one doing the targeting. If you're having sex with someone and another person cuts in and takes over, it's YOUR responsibility to say, "Hey, not without asking" or ask your current partner "Ok if so-and-so joins us?" No does mean no. The recipient has to say no to those pushy people.

I think it's extremely rude to join a couple with the goal of replacing one of them. If you join in with two people having sex, then you need to be either playing with both of them or, in the case of the straight folks, collaborating on playing. If you don't want to play with both or collaborate, then don't join in. Wait your turn. And NEVER join without asking and getting a yes from both people.

As for the OP, I don't know that I'd have offered the hostess to finish off my hubby - that's his call, not mine, and I think I'd be a bit offended if someone made that offer in that way to me. I think she was wrong to make the comments about your hubby, though.

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds like a jealousy thing to me. They were pissed off because your hubby got to play with the toy that they thought was just for them. They felt like he was hogging their toy... but what they failed to understand is that a single female is not a toy, she's a female with her own opinions and desires on who she wants to play with. If she wanted to play with them, then she would have. They were fine before that and that is most likely the only real issue for them. The boundary he crossed was never actually established and if he crossed a previous boundary it was probably a similar issue (never actually established) and if it was established or not they should have addressed it THEN.

This is not the norm for house parties or for people in general. These people just sound like one of the many cases of drama to avoid in this lifestyle. And after that I would avoid them like the plague.

[sexcupid]

Well after waiting a few days to comment here (and waiting for the OP to post more of the backstory)...I think fault lies on both sides of the equation.

First with the hosts. They invited a single female the hubby thought was hot and wanted to play with. Now their agenda may or may not have been secret or just not particuarly well known...but inviting any person to the party and expecting to have them play with you (without having previously established that you were interested or going to play with that person) obviously can set you up for disappointment.

As far as your hubby's faults...be they real or imagined by the hostess...since it was a small party and single females are usually in pretty high demand, it could be perceived to be a bit rude to 'play for hours' with her, regardless of how well they were getting on.

If other people there were interested in playing with her, adding her in for a FMF etc...that opportunity was not being made available to them. You weren't precisely clear, but were you playing with others at that time, not just your hubby and the SF?

But the fact of the matter can be that people are in this to have sex with new partners. The SF was a new playmate for most of the people there and she's being entertained by the same person for the entire night, then I'm sure it may not have just been the host/hostess feeling slighted...but since she was the hostess, basically got stuck saying something to you. Did she handle it well? Not even close to being tactful....but if she's been having to listen to her hubby and other guests bellyache about your hubby hogging the single girl...she may have just had a short fuse by that time of night (I mean, it was 2 am after all...by that time many people are tired, tipsy, etc) dealing with the others complaints.

I agree that you and your hubby handled things well by leaving without causing a scene. For me personally, I would want to speak to the hostess, apologize for leaving so abruptly and for any perceived actions that offended her. You can be so in love with your hubby that you view his actions from behind those rose colored glasses, but not eveyone has that perspective. Just because the hostess didn't like his actions that night, does not necessarily mean she doesn't like him. The mentioning of previous incidents of 'not respecting boundaries' (unless specific examples were given) may have just been to give more weight to her complaint that night.

One thing you have not mentioned is the ages of yourselves and the hosts. Only that you are younger and more attractive than the host couple. Not saying that excuses their behavior...but if they like playing with younger couples and single fems...but that the single fem in question doesn't particuarly like to play with older men/couples...and just was glad that there was someone there closer to her age and that's why she stuck with your hubby for the night...well, please. That's a huge ego blow to someone (anyone really), if she agreed to play with the host...but tossed him aside for the next best thing that came along...