Only our 2nd time and confused already!!

Acacia · 10-29-2007, 09:53 AM

Okay, so my husband and I are very new to this lifestyle and have only done soft swapping. We are friends with this couple who live a ways away from us, so we go up there about once a month to go out and party with them. We've done this for a while now. The last time we were there, the wife and myself started kissing and we took off our shirts and things were good. We basically made out with each other and the guys were touching us. Mostly my husband touching me and her husband touching her. It was very HOT!!They went to their room and we stayed in ours and the night ended.

My husband and I talked the next day and I told him OMG!! That was awesome. The other couple said they were cool with it too.

Okay, we were so stoked that this happened. Then a couple of nights ago, we all went out and went back to our hotel to have some drinks and whatever. The wife and I again were kissing and touching each other as we laid on the bed. Well, the lights were off and the guys had joined us on the bed. I felt hands on my ass and then fingers inside of me. I didn't care that it was her husband! (My husband was doing the same to her, I asked him later.) It was such a turn on! Well, suddenly the wife stops kissing me and just kinda lays there. I asked if she was okay and she said no. So we stopped everything and they guys went to the other room and I asked what the matter was.

She said she had issues with jealousy as her first husband had cheated on her. And that she liked what my husband was doing to her and what I was doing to her, but not what HER husband was doing to me.

She told me it is okay for her to touch and be touched by the other couple(us) but she doesn't want her husband to. Which is totally unfair. And to be honest, I wonder if she wants it to be all about her.

I don't know what to think. My husband doesn't want to swing with them any more as he thinks now it is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to swing any more. To me, it's just sex and we all know that we are going home with our spouses. What are your thoughts??

**ncmd_couple** · 10-29-2007, 10:07 AM

Acacia,

The biggest “issue” in swinging is when you share an evening with a couple who are not communicating and have not discussed things. It is obvious that your first encounter was one of those spontaneous things that just happened. You and your husband talked before the next one, but I doubt that they did, or if they did, they didn’t talk openly and honestly.

They are your friends. And I’m sure that you don’t want to lose that. So you need to talk to them and make sure that you make them understand that you don’t want to play with them again in that way unless they have discussed their boundaries. But my honest opinion is that they should not try swinging because they have much bigger issues to deal with between the two of them.

**LikeMinds321** · 10-29-2007, 10:36 AM

Hi Acacia ~

Welcome to the Swingers Board!

I know that you're disappointed by this first swing swap that involved the men, but don't be too set back by it. This happens to many swingers, not just when starting out either. Other swingers can surprise you no matter how experienced you or they are. What's important is that you and your husband seem to know what you are comfortable with and communicate with each other about your feelings.

I doubt this woman knew she was going to react this way until it happened. I also doubt her husband was aware of her issues with jealousy, but who knows, he could have been and was just hoping for the best at your second play session.

I wouldn't be too hard on them or let the event sour you on swinging. I do think you should let them know that how they want to play doesn't match your play goals (you're not compatible), and therefore, you feel it best not to swing with them. They may not take the rejection well, so be prepared for that, but rejection is part of swinging. Be diplomatic and don't put any blame or guilt on her/them. You simply are not a match as play partners.

This couple will probably have a tough time between themselves because her husband isn't going to be happy with his wife's jealousy/trust issue. This is the stuff drama is made of.

Keep looking for other couples. You'll find some good matches eventually.

LM

Charmed6879 · 10-29-2007, 10:57 AM

We had a somewhat similar situation recently. We met a couple and liked them and thought we could be friends. We talked about her concerns at the first meeting, she told us she was nervous because it was her first time with a couple and we understood. After our talk everything was fine and she was feeling good about it all. We talked all week after the first meeting and we invited them over for a cookout and drinks the following weekend. We all knew that it was just to hang out and NOT a playdate because I had my monthly visitor that weekend and everyone was fine with it.

They came over and we ate and were just hanging out, drinking and talking and everything was fine as far as the other wife, myself and my husband knew. Then her husband asked to speak privately with my husband. Fine, she and I sat talking and neither of us had any idea what they were talking about. Well, they came back to where we were and we thought everything was fine, until mine went in the house (we were sitting on the swing outside) and stayed inside. I came and asked what was wrong and he told me that the other husband pretty much told mine not to look at or talk to his wife because my husband flirted with her too much. Well, I am the first to admit that he is a flirt, but he was not doing any major flirting with her, and she and I talked about it later and she agreed. The other husband said mine was "trying to make eye contact" whatever that meant and that he had over stepped his bounds because flirting was reserved for him, and only he was allowed to flirt with her. My hubby was not doing anything out of line, and was not being overly flirty at all, and actually the other husband was flirting more with me than mine was with her.

Well, over the next week or so we discussed this whole situation with them both and she said she was just as confused as we were, but that she understood??? I didn't understand that or the sistuation at all and neither did my husband. Finally, the other husband said that we could all still be friends as long as mine totally ignored her. We told him that we could not be friends with them at all, much less play with them unless we were both able to be comfortable with them both and we were able to be ourselves. That was the end of it, we talked like once the whole next week and on that occassion they called my husband, asked what he was doing and then let him go since he was working (he works in Emergency Management) but told my husband that they were just going to go to bed. Okay, except they then sent me a message on yahoo asking me to get on the webcam and play for them and went on to ask me if I (alone) wanted to come play with them. I was not cool with that. I said absolutely not. My husband talked to them once about the situation since then and what it boiled down to, they told him, was that they wanted to play with us, and they both wanted to play with me but they wanted N (my hubby) to watch and not touch or even talk to the wife at all.

We have basically written them off even as friends because of the whole mess. We ran into the at a club party that we both attended this past weekend and we were friendly to them, but we have decided that we do not want to try to have a friendship with them and we certainly do not want to play with them. Oh well, I have kids and my 9 year old brings enough melodrama into my life without being involved in any silly stuff with grown adults. I say write them off and move on.

**good times** · 10-29-2007, 01:19 PM

We have had sort of a similar experience but it never got that far. We had a couple that we met at the club and over time we got to know them pretty well. One night they asked us to go play with them. I had to make a bathroom stop, so my wife and the other couple went to the room before I did. When I got to the room My wife said, "it isn't going to happen, we're leaving". Turns out when they all got to the room the other guy told my wife that I could do anything I wanted with the woman but he wasn't allowed to have sex with my wife.

In the end we have maintained a good friendship with this couple but we just don't play with them. What it boils down to is that we just aren't sexually compatible with them, that happens, not really that big of a deal to us.

sweet_tna · 10-29-2007, 02:03 PM

Hello and welcome, Acacia. I have to say I'm with ncmd_couple and LM here on this one. There are definitely better matches for you out there.

~Mrs. Sweet =)

Reef99 · 10-29-2007, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by good times

Turns out when they all got to the room the other guy told my wife that I could do anything I wanted with the woman but he wasn't allowed to have sex with my wife.

Wow! I don't understand the one sided thing. We make it a point to discuss what our limits are before anything happens. It also gives us a chance to learn what the other couple is interested in. We made a few mistakes early on in the lifestyle. I think we have gotten our screening process figured out now, but there is always a chance things can go wrong.

NakedInSeattle · 10-29-2007, 05:03 PM

"....she liked what my husband was doing to her and what I was doing to her, but not what HER husband was doing to me."

I've discussed this before. This strikes a familiar chord - similar to my previous wife - the issue of jealousy and insecurity.

It is extremely unfair to her husband and to you, the other couple. Why should it be OK for her to taste the fruit and have the pleasure and excitement of casual sex with friends but not her husband. If I were the other husband or if we were you, this "lady" would be told just how selfish she was/is acting.

ShellyM · 10-29-2007, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acacia

Okay, so my husband and I are very new to this lifestyle and have only done soft swapping. We are friends with this couple who live a ways away from us, so we go up there about once a month to go out and party with them. We've done this for a while now. The last time we were there, the wife and myself started kissing and we took off our shirts and things were good. We basically made out with each other and the guys were touching us. Mostly my husband touching me and her husband touching her. It was very HOT!!They went to their room and we stayed in ours and the night ended.

My husband and I talked the next day and I told him OMG!! That was awesome. The other couple said they were cool with it too.

Okay, we were so stoked that this happened. Then a couple of nights ago, we all went out and went back to our hotel to have some drinks and whatever. The wife and I again were kissing and touching each other as we laid on the bed. Well, the lights were off and the guys had joined us on the bed. I felt hands on my ass and then fingers inside of me. I didn't care that it was her husband! (My husband was doing the same to her, I asked him later.) It was such a turn on! Well, suddenly the wife stops kissing me and just kinda lays there. I asked if she was okay and she said no. So we stopped everything and they guys went to the other room and I asked what the matter was.

She said she had issues with jealousy as her first husband had cheated on her. And that she liked what my husband was doing to her and what I was doing to her, but not what HER husband was doing to me.

She told me it is okay for her to touch and be touched by the other couple(us) but she doesn't want her husband to. Which is totally unfair. And to be honest, I wonder if she wants it to be all about her.

I don't know what to think. My husband doesn't want to swing with them any more as he thinks now it is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to swing any more. To me, it's just sex and we all know that we are going home with our spouses. What are your thoughts??

Okay, I'll give you my opinion. I think she needs to either do MFMs or FFMs until she can deal with HER HER Her issues. They are NOT your issues. Perhaps it is because she is new, but it sounds like she has issues from her past...swingers know this as drama lol. Personally girl I would suggest continue having fun with other couples. It sounds like you and your hubby are on the right track. This will probably not be the last time you deal with couples with issues LOL, but you have to let things like that slide off of your back. Don't worry about it, its not your problem and not your issue. And I'm not saying she did anything wrong per se.....she just has things to sort out before allowing herself to get into that position again; she does that with less cordial couples and she will get her feelings hurt. It would just annoy the shit out of me personally that she doesnt mind getting HERS, she just wants her own husband to keep HIS hands to himself...very selfish. JMO

ShellyM · 10-29-2007, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charmed6879

We had a somewhat similar situation recently. We met a couple and liked them and thought we could be friends. We talked about her concerns at the first meeting, she told us she was nervous because it was her first time with a couple and we understood. After our talk everything was fine and she was feeling good about it all. We talked all week after the first meeting and we invited them over for a cookout and drinks the following weekend. We all knew that it was just to hang out and NOT a playdate because I had my monthly visitor that weekend and everyone was fine with it.

They came over and we ate and were just hanging out, drinking and talking and everything was fine as far as the other wife, myself and my husband knew. Then her husband asked to speak privately with my husband. Fine, she and I sat talking and neither of us had any idea what they were talking about. Well, they came back to where we were and we thought everything was fine, until mine went in the house (we were sitting on the swing outside) and stayed inside. I came and asked what was wrong and he told me that the other husband pretty much told mine not to look at or talk to his wife because my husband flirted with her too much. Well, I am the first to admit that he is a flirt, but he was not doing any major flirting with her, and she and I talked about it later and she agreed. The other husband said mine was "trying to make eye contact" whatever that meant and that he had over stepped his bounds because flirting was reserved for him, and only he was allowed to flirt with her. My hubby was not doing anything out of line, and was not being overly flirty at all, and actually the other husband was flirting more with me than mine was with her.

Well, over the next week or so we discussed this whole situation with them both and she said she was just as confused as we were, but that she understood??? I didn't understand that or the sistuation at all and neither did my husband. Finally, the other husband said that we could all still be friends as long as mine totally ignored her. We told him that we could not be friends with them at all, much less play with them unless we were both able to be comfortable with them both and we were able to be ourselves. That was the end of it, we talked like once the whole next week and on that occassion they called my husband, asked what he was doing and then let him go since he was working (he works in Emergency Management) but told my husband that they were just going to go to bed. Okay, except they then sent me a message on yahoo asking me to get on the webcam and play for them and went on to ask me if I (alone) wanted to come play with them. I was not cool with that. I said absolutely not. My husband talked to them once about the situation since then and what it boiled down to, they told him, was that they wanted to play with us, and they both wanted to play with me but they wanted N (my hubby) to watch and not touch or even talk to the wife at all.

We have basically written them off even as friends because of the whole mess. We ran into the at a club party that we both attended this past weekend and we were friendly to them, but we have decided that we do not want to try to have a friendship with them and we certainly do not want to play with them. Oh well, I have kids and my 9 year old brings enough melodrama into my life without being involved in any silly stuff with grown adults. I say write them off and move on.

WOW, both Jay and I would be in trouble from jump lol, because we both make eye contact with people when we talk to them!! Yeah dont worry about this couple either, that is a real trip. Holy shit, this was cussing out worthy. I would have ripped them so MANY assholes lol they'd have to go buy some caulk in order to drink water.

blue.freckles · 11-01-2007, 11:49 AM

Wow,

Like everyone else said, it sounds like they had jealousy issues. Within those issues, they had mistrust and a terrible communication framework.

Move on and find a couple more worthy of you and your husband!

dwtally · 11-04-2007, 10:59 AM

All of the encounters in this thread come under the heading of "too much drama" and just aren't worth it, move on. In our six years in the lifestyle, we've run across similar circumstances and they just aren't worth wasting your time on.

Edison Carter · 11-04-2007, 04:35 PM

Susan here--The problem is not you, it's them. You can do everything right and things don't work out. She still has issues from a cheating husband from a first marriage ? Then she integrates that anger and fear into a swing situation ? Or worse, she's using an event from her past as the excuse for inappropriate sexual control of the present. Folks, never expect rational behavior from an irrational individual.

Move on to more fun people.

They're out there !

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10-29-2007, 09:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
Acacia Registered User Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2 Location: Midwest Status: Couple	Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Okay, so my husband and I are very new to this lifestyle and have only done soft swapping. We are friends with this couple who live a ways away from us, so we go up there about once a month to go out and party with them. We've done this for a while now. The last time we were there, the wife and myself started kissing and we took off our shirts and things were good. We basically made out with each other and the guys were touching us. Mostly my husband touching me and her husband touching her. It was very HOT!!They went to their room and we stayed in ours and the night ended. My husband and I talked the next day and I told him OMG!! That was awesome. The other couple said they were cool with it too. Okay, we were so stoked that this happened. Then a couple of nights ago, we all went out and went back to our hotel to have some drinks and whatever. The wife and I again were kissing and touching each other as we laid on the bed. Well, the lights were off and the guys had joined us on the bed. I felt hands on my ass and then fingers inside of me. I didn't care that it was her husband! (My husband was doing the same to her, I asked him later.) It was such a turn on! Well, suddenly the wife stops kissing me and just kinda lays there. I asked if she was okay and she said no. So we stopped everything and they guys went to the other room and I asked what the matter was. She said she had issues with jealousy as her first husband had cheated on her. And that she liked what my husband was doing to her and what I was doing to her, but not what HER husband was doing to me. She told me it is okay for her to touch and be touched by the other couple(us) but she doesn't want her husband to. Which is totally unfair. And to be honest, I wonder if she wants it to be all about her. I don't know what to think. My husband doesn't want to swing with them any more as he thinks now it is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to swing any more. To me, it's just sex and we all know that we are going home with our spouses. What are your thoughts??

10-29-2007, 10:07 AM	#2 (permalink)
ncmd_couple Julie's Helper Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2,240 Location: North Carolina Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:ncmd_couple	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Acacia, The biggest “issue” in swinging is when you share an evening with a couple who are not communicating and have not discussed things. It is obvious that your first encounter was one of those spontaneous things that just happened. You and your husband talked before the next one, but I doubt that they did, or if they did, they didn’t talk openly and honestly. They are your friends. And I’m sure that you don’t want to lose that. So you need to talk to them and make sure that you make them understand that you don’t want to play with them again in that way unless they have discussed their boundaries. But my honest opinion is that they should not try swinging because they have much bigger issues to deal with between the two of them. __________________ Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

10-29-2007, 10:36 AM	#3 (permalink)
LikeMinds321 I'll think about it Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 9,782 Location: With Wild Things Status: Married Female	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Hi Acacia ~ Welcome to the Swingers Board! I know that you're disappointed by this first swing swap that involved the men, but don't be too set back by it. This happens to many swingers, not just when starting out either. Other swingers can surprise you no matter how experienced you or they are. What's important is that you and your husband seem to know what you are comfortable with and communicate with each other about your feelings. I doubt this woman knew she was going to react this way until it happened. I also doubt her husband was aware of her issues with jealousy, but who knows, he could have been and was just hoping for the best at your second play session. I wouldn't be too hard on them or let the event sour you on swinging. I do think you should let them know that how they want to play doesn't match your play goals (you're not compatible), and therefore, you feel it best not to swing with them. They may not take the rejection well, so be prepared for that, but rejection is part of swinging. Be diplomatic and don't put any blame or guilt on her/them. You simply are not a match as play partners. This couple will probably have a tough time between themselves because her husband isn't going to be happy with his wife's jealousy/trust issue. This is the stuff drama is made of. Keep looking for other couples. You'll find some good matches eventually. LM

10-29-2007, 10:57 AM	#4 (permalink)
Charmed6879 Here to Stay Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Upstate South Carolina Status: married couple - female half Swing Lifestyle Name:Charmed6879	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! We had a somewhat similar situation recently. We met a couple and liked them and thought we could be friends. We talked about her concerns at the first meeting, she told us she was nervous because it was her first time with a couple and we understood. After our talk everything was fine and she was feeling good about it all. We talked all week after the first meeting and we invited them over for a cookout and drinks the following weekend. We all knew that it was just to hang out and NOT a playdate because I had my monthly visitor that weekend and everyone was fine with it. They came over and we ate and were just hanging out, drinking and talking and everything was fine as far as the other wife, myself and my husband knew. Then her husband asked to speak privately with my husband. Fine, she and I sat talking and neither of us had any idea what they were talking about. Well, they came back to where we were and we thought everything was fine, until mine went in the house (we were sitting on the swing outside) and stayed inside. I came and asked what was wrong and he told me that the other husband pretty much told mine not to look at or talk to his wife because my husband flirted with her too much. Well, I am the first to admit that he is a flirt, but he was not doing any major flirting with her, and she and I talked about it later and she agreed. The other husband said mine was "trying to make eye contact" whatever that meant and that he had over stepped his bounds because flirting was reserved for him, and only he was allowed to flirt with her. My hubby was not doing anything out of line, and was not being overly flirty at all, and actually the other husband was flirting more with me than mine was with her. Well, over the next week or so we discussed this whole situation with them both and she said she was just as confused as we were, but that she understood??? I didn't understand that or the sistuation at all and neither did my husband. Finally, the other husband said that we could all still be friends as long as mine totally ignored her. We told him that we could not be friends with them at all, much less play with them unless we were both able to be comfortable with them both and we were able to be ourselves. That was the end of it, we talked like once the whole next week and on that occassion they called my husband, asked what he was doing and then let him go since he was working (he works in Emergency Management) but told my husband that they were just going to go to bed. Okay, except they then sent me a message on yahoo asking me to get on the webcam and play for them and went on to ask me if I (alone) wanted to come play with them. I was not cool with that. I said absolutely not. My husband talked to them once about the situation since then and what it boiled down to, they told him, was that they wanted to play with us, and they both wanted to play with me but they wanted N (my hubby) to watch and not touch or even talk to the wife at all. We have basically written them off even as friends because of the whole mess. We ran into the at a club party that we both attended this past weekend and we were friendly to them, but we have decided that we do not want to try to have a friendship with them and we certainly do not want to play with them. Oh well, I have kids and my 9 year old brings enough melodrama into my life without being involved in any silly stuff with grown adults. I say write them off and move on.

10-29-2007, 01:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,828 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times Swing Lifestyle Name:randp	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! We have had sort of a similar experience but it never got that far. We had a couple that we met at the club and over time we got to know them pretty well. One night they asked us to go play with them. I had to make a bathroom stop, so my wife and the other couple went to the room before I did. When I got to the room My wife said, "it isn't going to happen, we're leaving". Turns out when they all got to the room the other guy told my wife that I could do anything I wanted with the woman but he wasn't allowed to have sex with my wife. In the end we have maintained a good friendship with this couple but we just don't play with them. What it boils down to is that we just aren't sexually compatible with them, that happens, not really that big of a deal to us. __________________ R (He is R, she is P)

10-29-2007, 02:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
sweet_tna Being good is overrated Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 3,896 Location: Poconos, PA Status: The boss of Mr. Sweet Swing Lifestyle Name:Sweet_tna Blog Entries: 10	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Hello and welcome, Acacia. I have to say I'm with ncmd_couple and LM here on this one. There are definitely better matches for you out there. ~Mrs. Sweet =) __________________ I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than heaven wondering what it's like.

10-29-2007, 05:03 PM	#8 (permalink)
NakedInSeattle Loving life (style) Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 449 Location: Seattle, WA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:NakedInSeattle	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! "....she liked what my husband was doing to her and what I was doing to her, but not what HER husband was doing to me." I've discussed this before. This strikes a familiar chord - similar to my previous wife - the issue of jealousy and insecurity. It is extremely unfair to her husband and to you, the other couple. Why should it be OK for her to taste the fruit and have the pleasure and excitement of casual sex with friends but not her husband. If I were the other husband or if we were you, this "lady" would be told just how selfish she was/is acting.

11-01-2007, 11:49 AM	#11 (permalink)
blue.freckles Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 26 Location: Chicago Status: Couple	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Wow, Like everyone else said, it sounds like they had jealousy issues. Within those issues, they had mistrust and a terrible communication framework. Move on and find a couple more worthy of you and your husband!

11-04-2007, 10:59 AM	#12 (permalink)
dwtally Registered Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 6 Location: Tallahassee, FL Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:dwtally	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! All of the encounters in this thread come under the heading of "too much drama" and just aren't worth it, move on. In our six years in the lifestyle, we've run across similar circumstances and they just aren't worth wasting your time on.

11-04-2007, 04:35 PM	#13 (permalink)
Edison Carter Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 617 Location: Bloomington, Il Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:EdisonCarter Blog Entries: 1	Re: Only our 2nd time and confused already!! Susan here--The problem is not you, it's them. You can do everything right and things don't work out. She still has issues from a cheating husband from a first marriage ? Then she integrates that anger and fear into a swing situation ? Or worse, she's using an event from her past as the excuse for inappropriate sexual control of the present. Folks, never expect rational behavior from an irrational individual. Move on to more fun people. They're out there !

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