My mom knows we're swingers: How do we deal with being found out?

[SuAndBud]

Why is everyone concentrating on the mother scenario (it's obvious from the original post that the OP already knows, in her heart, that she has to let her mother go and find her own way back and in her own time) when all the girl asked was what kind of crap might she expect to be thrown at her for being a "Swinger"?

Are you people here so intent on putting forward your own take on life and your anecdotes and personal experiences that you can't actually be bothered to read the question?

[SuAndBud]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

This is to clear up the Mormon representation here.

The Mormons haven't practised polygamy since the 1800's. It is not a part of their religion due to federal laws.

Lamanites are American Indians. They believe their used to be a curse on them. Also, the Mormons have a practise/policy/belief about black people (Canaanites). Which used to prior to 1978, limited their participation in the church.

Now for jdtpcouple:

Show your mom the message you have left here. It sounds like you spoke well. It's not her life, but your attempt to explain a little about yours. Then if she doesn't like it, no further discussion.

In other words, Mormonism is based on, to us at least, wholly unacceptable racism.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by SuAndBud

Why is everyone concentrating on the mother scenario ..... when all the girl asked was what kind of crap might she expect to be thrown at her for being a "Swinger"?

The answer is simple....it's the mother who is doing the judging, and the crap being thrown at her for being a swinger is coming only from the mother. The other people that the OP is concerned might also find out are a circle that includes a few other relatives that the mother may out her to. If you'd really read this, instead of just trying to bash board members for writing sincere answers because they feel for her or relate to her, you would have seen that.

[Vjklander]

As an engineer and given to rational consideration of issues, my personal opinion is the only perversion in nature is abstinence. Having a sex-positive outlook on life is vastly superior to having the repressive psychopathy of the Evangeliban.

[Vjklander]

Perhaps she was asking about other non-swingers in the general population. I think most people will ostracize We don't give a flying crap what anyone else thinks. Then again, we are flaming Libertarians. We don't flaunt what we do, but don't hide it either. The biggest thing is to be confident in herself and not worry what others, especially her 'mother'.
However, I think we would be remiss in not warning her that religious pschopaths could try to report her to the county. If someone had said the things her mother did I'd be looking for a lawyer to be sure to cover my ass.

[Tom4Fun]

FYI - there is no legitimate scientific evidence suggesting that the Lamanites are the ancestors of American Indians. The first book of Mormon has testimony of the original witnesses of the transcibing of "reformed Egyptian' language. Yet, those witnessess all left the religion - and the Book of Mormon, which God said was true and accurate has been revised several times.. So, if the original was true, then, why revise the book so many times to fit the new explanation?

As far as swinging goes, I wouldn't try to connect a religious belief with primordial human behavior, since religion tends to taint natural human sexual instinct.

[SuAndBud]

Coming from a family of six kids where our mom discovered the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints quite late in life, we all studied it but were not overly impressed.

Lamenites, Canaanites, poligamy etc.

Very convenient for Joseph Smith (the founder of Mormonism) but, at the end of the day, he was a dude called Joe Smith - that's all there is to be said about him in reality.

That said, judging by the Admin/Mods on this board, he and his beliefs would have fitted in here just fine.

[Tom & Bonnie]

Originally Posted by Tom4Fun

FYI - there is no legitimate scientific evidence suggesting that the Lamanites are the ancestors of American Indians.

Ummm, for that matter there is no legitimate scientific evidence validating ANY religious philosophies

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by Tom&Bonnie

Ummm, for that matter there is no legitimate scientific evidence validating ANY religious philosophies

I have thought of that before and you put it into words. Thanks.

Originally Posted by SuAndBud

In other words, Mormonism is based on, to us at least, wholly unacceptable racism.

One of many ways to look at the beliefs of organized religion.

The original poster had a problem with family that wouldn't take care of her, regardless of her problems. My kids will always have a place with me. I will always love them, although sometimes I may not like them. Which they thoroughly understand that concept. We have tried to teach them to be open minded and honest. In my particular family history, I feel that each generation has improved in some fashion which I can visibly see.

[djjwp]

One, assuming you are over 18, tell her to stay the #@)) off your PC
Two, Regardless of who daddy is, does she ever want to see her grandchildren? If so butt out.

I had a meddling, controlling mother and this was my only solution that worked and it worked well.

Cold but effective.

[dodgechevy]

Originally Posted by oncewere

I know this is closing the gate after the horse got out but I'd like to remind everyone of the buttons that delete the web site history, cache, and cookies. Kids are even more snoopy than parents. Protect them a bit by deleting the evidence before you log off. Keep your pix and contacts on a USB drive kept elsewhere, and don't use the feature where the operating system automatically enters your password. Do all your "interesting" communications on a password protected account to which only you and your spouse have the password. Don't leave any evidence on the computer than what you want your parents and kids to find.

Paranoid? Yeah. Kids will find anything you leave and even little kids may know more about the computer than most adults.

which is why we love using FireFox over IE. Tools > Clear Private Data > Clear Private Data Now (with the option to select Cookies and Saved Passwords). and wham all info gone.

and/or

i guess you could use 2 different browsers. use one as the main browser (leave the icons and all that junk out on the desktop). and use another as your naughty browser (make sure that the icons are in the install folder ONLY).

just some friendly advice

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by dodgechevy

which is why we love using FireFox over IE. Tools > Clear Private Data > Clear Private Data Now (with the option to select Cookies and Saved Passwords). and wham all info gone.

You can do the same with both browsers (and with ANY browser that I know), and even configure it to do it for you automatically as soon as you close it.

It isn't a matter of product choice. It could be if we were talking of childrens "accidentally" finding out what are we into. But we're talking about an adult (who isn't your boss with the computer you use at work) who deliberately viloates your privacy and attempts to control your tastes, your behavior and your sexuality.

And this reminds me of the cop's need for "searching orders" delivered by judges (that at least here serves just one purpose, if they find drugs while looking for guns, the finding lacks value). Once the mother found out "proofs" without the right to look for them, the whole finding lacks value. Moreover, the "proofs" she found was about the daughter swinging, which isn't a "crime", while the mother actions already are faulty.

If someone wants to find you "guilty" of some "crime" in order to take control of your life, that one sooner or later will succeed, just because there exist a will to dig in and do whatever it takes to get a lever.

IMO, the only way to deal with this people is to shift the focus from your own actions, and aim to that will to find a charge to make you guilty of. Attempting to hide the "proofs" only helps reinforce the other party position here.

[jdtpcouple]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

It's as if she was looking for something to incriminate you with....It just feels like she takes some sort of delight in finding you guilty of something, and then making you pay.

I agree. I think it comes from the need to justify the "truth" of her religion. To validate her sacrifices by condemning those who indulge. In order to condemn, you must incriminate, in order to incriminate, you must discover...it's a process that is rationalized by telling herself she is only looking out for me in an "eternal" sense.

Originally Posted by Vjklander

However, I think we would be remiss in not warning her that religious pschopaths could try to report her to the county. If someone had said the things her mother did I'd be looking for a lawyer to be sure to cover my ass.

I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind, " I wonder if she'd go so far as to try and take my kids away?" I want to say no way, she'd never, that she'd be too afraid of losing, then never seeing them again. I want to say that, but given her irrationality and judgments so far...plus it wouldn't be hard for her to find a lawyer in the church who would represent her for free, while I would have to pay to keep my own children. I can't even imagine it, the very idea seems so unreasonable that it's like a horror film. Still...the thought had crossed my mind, "Where would I go for representation?" It would be all over the news, but I don't really know of swinger organizations that help with that sort of thing like there are in the poly world ie Loving More.

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Attempting to hide the "proofs" only helps reinforce the other party position here.

I gotta say I agree here. My husband & I were just talking about alternative babysitters & he mentioned his mom. The question we discussed was what if she asks why my mom isn't sitting for us anymore. Do we have a cover story as to why she isn't around? We came up with several untruths, all of which would lead his mom to call my mom in an attempt to help reconcile us. I think its better just to not ask his mom to sit for us, thereby avoiding the initial question as to why my mom isn't and not have to tell a cover story at all. Anything we say will lead to her nosing around too. If we're caught lying then we have to face the accusations of, "If there's nothing wrong with it then why were you lying about it?" Duh!

The update so far:

All's quiet on the repressive front.

She hasn't contacted me, I won't contact her. As far as I'm concerned I don't need to work to make things right, because I didn't do anything wrong. Besides any attempt to contact her will only antagonize her. Nothing from my dad, or anyone else on that side of the family. I'm sure he knows and is either equally angry, or remaining silent as to present a united parental front. As for not telling extended family. It looks like they haven't/won't but I fear as soon as I get comfortable thinking that way, someone will turn up...maybe I'm just paranoid, I don't think anyone will blame me? Still so far, so good.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by jdtpcouple

She hasn't contacted me, I won't contact her. As far as I'm concerned I don't need to work to make things right, because I didn't do anything wrong. Besides any attempt to contact her will only antagonize her.

I agree with you.

Since you two were discussing who could babysit, I get the impression that your mom was in your house a lot because you needed a sitter? I'd suggest that you look outside of the family and just find a nice, qualified, neutral babysitter that you're not related to. I know, sitters cost money, but look at the high price you pay by bringing your mother in. She charges a very high emotional toll.

Since your mother's beliefs could make her feel justified and even righteous in the matter of trying to take your kids from you (making you pay), and because she likely would have access to free legal services through LDS, that would be the straw for me. I would change my locks (if she has a key, you don't want her snooping in the house for "evidence" while you're out). I'd do what's reasonable to keep her out of my personal business, for good.

I'm glad to hear that things have been calm and you're not getting berated or threatened. I truly hope it stays this way for you. Odds are, I'll bet this is as far as it goes.

Hugs and best wishes to you!

[peabody]

Originally Posted by cassies

If your mom kicked you out of the house when you were 17 and expected you to suffer on the streets, then what right does she have to have any judgement whatsoever about the life you are currently leading? None, in my opinion. You are going to hell, right? I mean, she already decided that. Why is she snooping around the hellbound's computer? I'd ask her that.

Your question is what kind of a relationship do you want with her? If you want to have a truthful family relationship, I think she would have to be willing to go to therapy with you.

I am sorry I can't answer any of the questions you asked.

Bob
(certainly going to hell in a mormon world.)

I thought the same thing. What was she doing on your computer? What was she doing in your home?