Just found out we may have Herpes

[bimrdcpl]

Ok everyone, I am back so sorry for the long break in my presence...

But I had surgery a while back and missed so much school that I now have to make it all up by going from 8 in the morning to 830 at night. It sucks royally but it will all be worth it.

Another thing that has kept me away is I have been doing some major thinking on how I am going to handle a certain situation that has come up in our oh so not normal life.

Heres my dilema, and I am bringing to you kind and wonderful people because I know you can help me.


I got a call not to long after surgery, sitting there feeling real good from the pain medication I had gotton from the doc. Its our old friends (our first couple) you remember them the ones that are getting divorced and he wants to play with us after and she pretty much did things for him. You all remember them right? Well its her on the phone, she had just gotten back from the doctors office and they had some bad news for her. It seems the small problem she was having with her episiotomy scar turns out to be herpes. She then goes into the story of four years ago she had a sore that she went to the doctor for and was told that it was nothing. She thought it might be herpes and went back and forth to this doctor and for the past few years was told it was just a problem with her episiotomy scar. She kept going back and finally went to another doctor in the same office and he told her it was a case of herpes. Well I guess they have a law suit going now and so on and so forth. Anyway because I was really doped up none of this really hit me until a few days later when I wasnt doped up. So I am sitting there thinking OH MY GOD!!!! How the hell could this couple do this to us? They thought they might of had it but slept with other couples anyway. Now thank god we used condoms with these people and before my surgery I had a pap done for all STD's (it was a routine thing my doctor does to check for any kind of infection) And the only thing that came back was a normal bacterial infection. But now I have to go back to my doctor and ask him to redo the test and tell him why!

I want to be so angry about this, but not sure if I can. Because even with all the protection in the world things like this happen. But heres the biggie, we have to stop swinging because of this. We dont know if we have it, and if it will show up some where down the road. We are not the type who are going to put our satisfaction above other people lives. And also we now have to worry about our kids. I know we are not going to die from this, but you know what it could of been aids that they passed to us. You never know. But what we do have to worry about is a whole different set of things when it comes to the kids.

I guess there really isnt much you can help me with but I do want all of you that think that things like this cant happen to you and your NOT using rubbers with people you dont know, guess what we did use rubbers, and it hit us. It can and will hit you.

Sorry for such a long posting and real sorry if it seems like such ramblings I hope you can make sense of it. Because I am so frusterated I cant even think straight right now.

Thanks for listening,
Dawn

[imsnowman]

You don't have to stop swinging and don't be angry at your friends. First, get on the Net and do a search of the herpes info. Most doctors are woefully uninformed. You may not even have herpes. If neither of you have had any symptoms you probably don't. It is rather difficult to catch. If you want to know there are blood tests. Also, see this thread. Oral Herpes Etiquette If it turns out your were infected, ethically, you should tell potential play partners that you are. The choice is theirs. If they've done their homework on STD's they should realize that there is very little risk of catching herpes if they follow the recautions outi]lined in my post.
I'm not relly following your concerns in your last paragraph where you discuss your kids. And

I know we are not going to die from this, but you know what it could of been aids that they passed to us.

This is why we always play safe. Condoms for intercourse and no anal.

[Roxysbayou]

I know it's frightening, but she really didn't know that she had them. Doctors have been telling her for years that she didn't. You shouldn't really blame her. It is definitely possible that she only contracted the disease recently. Four years of visiting the doctor and not being diagnosed and now suddenly she has them, kind of silly to assume that it was herpes all along.

The symptoms of herpes come and go. You may get a flare up that consists of flu like symptons followed by a painful rash, usually blisters and then open sores. This may last a week or two, then you may go months with out another flare up feeling perfectly fine.

Condoms are not going to prevent you from getting herpes. Basically they cover the penis and protect the penis from touching the inside of the vagina. They do not cover the testicals or the outside of the vagina at all, therefore you can still be exposed to the virus.

Depending on how long ago that you played with this couple, you would most likely have had some symptons by now. But to ease your mind you both should get checked by your doctor.

[Elusive BiFem]

Hi, Dawn. I had a hard time following parts of your post, but it sounded like you were upset when you wrote. I might be a tad off course in my thoughts.

Its our old friends (our first couple) you remember them the ones that are getting divorced and he wants to play with us after and she pretty much did things for him

You didn't say if ya'll have continued playing with him, but if so, is it within the realm of possiblity that she is trying to stir up bad feelings between ya'll?

You said she had been going back and forth to the doctor. If, indeed, she has herpes, it sounds as if she didn't know it until it was recently diagnosed. After 4 years of going back and forth, maybe she needs to see another doctor. It may not even be herpes. I would have a serious problem with a doctor that could not diagnose something as simple as herpes after 4 years. Since this new doctor in the same group DID diagnose it, maybe it is something new that she contracted since ya'll were involved with her.

If you were tested prior to your surgery and all was negative, why do you feel you have to go back to your doctor and explain. Have you had any sypmtpoms? Is there any reason for you to suspect you've contracted herpes? As I recall, typical testing procedures don't pick the virus up unless one is in the active phase, but I may be wrong. Also, I don't believe women are routinely tested prior to hysterectomy for viral infections. Again, could be wrong.

What do you mean about now worrying about your kids. I don't follow that train of thought.

If you were using condoms, and they (the other couple) were not showing signs of the virus, it is more likely than not that you are NOT infected.

It sounds like you've gone into the panic mode before gathering all your facts. You said she gave you this information while you were "feeling good from the pain medication." Seriously...that stuff can play havoc with your thought processes. Maybe you've gotten some facts confused and/or intermingled with others.

And you are correct - it could have been AIDS, but it wasn't. There is an entire hosts of things out there that we risk exposure to everyday - sexual and non-sexual. We simply need to take all precautions available and move on. And it sounds like ya'll took precautions.

But back to my original thought. If ya'll continued to play with her husband without her, could this be some sort of retaliation type of thing occurring in the midst of divorce? -EBF

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by Roxysbayou
Condoms are not going to prevent you from getting herpes. Basically they cover the penis and protect the penis from touching the inside of the vagina. They do not cover the testicals or the outside of the vagina at all, therefore you can still be exposed to the virus.

Actually, we're both right. Condoms will prevent herpes if the innoculation site is on the penis or in or close to the edges of the vagina. In other words, if the condom covers the site of the infection or keeps the penis from coming into contact with the infection site they will prevent herpes. The site tends to stay in the same place as the original infection. The best prevention method is to not play with someone who has had a recent outbreak. And to play only with those who take supression drugs like Valtrex or acyclovir.

[JustAskJulie]

It won't do any good to go back to your dr and ask for a retest. The only way that they can test you for herpes is if you have visible symptoms (a sore). In which case they will take a sample of the sore to test. There is a blood test that can be done but it is not inconclusive and will only show positive if you've recently had an outbreak. Even then if you get cold sores it would show positive if you've recently had one of those (it can't tell the diff between oral and genital herpes).

As others have said, don't blame them, they didn't know.

I also can't help but give some credence to EBF's thought that perhaps she is just trying to stir up trouble, especially if she has found out that you guys might still be interested in playing with her ex hubby.

[Elusive BiFem]

I was curious, so I did a google search on genital herpes transmission. Several articles, but an easy read was at:
http://www.ivillagehealth.com/expert...7293-1,00.html

Blood tests can be done to confirm presence of the herpes virus - has to do with levels of antibodies and how they increase - but the test does not differentiate between oral/genital. Most interesting, tho', was the statement that 90% of the world's population carries the virus. The percentage for US is somewhat lower, but still really high. (WOW !)

So. Since we are a "world population" on this Board, that would translate to 90 out of a hundred of us are carrying the virus.

I would continue to advocate taking every precaution under the sun to avoid it; but I don't think your anxiety should peak because of the "potential" for exposure. If those stats are accurate, you've more than likely been exposed prior to your encounter with that particular couple. -EBF

[OhioCouple]

Good to see you back, Dawn. I hope that your surgery went well.

From all that I have learned about herpes, it is true that you must be in the stage of the break out to have it confirmed. What I have also learned is that neither form are life threatening or particularly harmful, with the exception of if you are in the stage of a break out while giving birth. (From what I understand it could cause blindness.)

Like, EBF, I too have to wonder if this woman isn't just trying to stir up trouble. If I remember correctly you mentioned that she just dropped off the face of the earth when they began to divorce and you were hurt by the loss of the friendship. This very well could be a way of her getting you to shun her ex, especially if she knows that you have been talking with him. Quite often when people get divorced, even though the didn't want the other, they don't want anyone else to either. I'd look really hard at that. It is kinda what it sounds like to me.

Lori

[bimrdcpl]

I really should of learned by now not to post until I get all my thoughts together first. I am real sorry about that guys. I left things out and only gave you part of a story.

I am very upset about this yes and I think that I have every right to be. This woman told me she knew that there was a possibility that she had them. I guess she had been in contact with someone in her past that was diagnosed with it. But for some reason was not aggresive enough with her doctor to find out if she had it or not. I really dont care why she didnt and all that. What I am upset about is the fact that even if she wasnt sure if she had it or not she said nothing to us from the beginning. Nohting was said. Now because they said nothing to us it is always going to be in the back of our heads and we are going to freak out if the slightest thing changes on our bodies.

It has been well over a year or so since we have done anything with them but from what I have read and heard it doesnt always show up right away. You can be a carrier for years and not even know it. So now because we have been exposed to this we can not truely enjoy ourselves in the lifestyle anymore. There is always going to be that uncomfortable moment when we tell someone that we havent had an outbreak but we have been exposed to herpes. And then sit back and wait for them to think about what they are going to do. I mean honestly if someone told you that would you want to play with them? And wouldnt you wonder just how they got it and how clean they really are?

As far as the tests that I recieved. I did not get a hysterectomy (dont know where on earth you got that information) but the surgery I did get it was necessary to test for all of the STD's.

She does have a case of herpes, it is not a misdiagnosis this time she is on Valtrex. And honestly I dont think that she started this because of the fact that we talked to her soon to be ex about continuing to play. Its real and I am very upset about it.

I guess the thing I was trying to most with this was vent. Just so many feeling going on through me right now. Anger, scared, worried and disgusted. And the biggest one embarrased. You have no idea what it was like to have to call the other couple we had played with and tell them. Needless to say they are no longer speaking to us because they feel that we lied to them.

Anyway thanks again for letting me vent on this.

Dawn

[Elusive BiFem]

Hi again, Dawn. I don't know where I came up with hysterectomy either. I had one not too long ago and I guess I just think every female is having one!! Sorry.

Anyway, your are right. I would be fit to be tied if someone knew they had herpes and didn't bother to share that information with me. But rather than running yourself ragged with worry, and telling others that you have it, please check with your doctor and see about getting tested for those antibodies. Based on all the statistics I read today, there is a strong possibility you may be positive and you may have been positive even before the encounter with this particular couple. But there is also the strong possibility you will be negative.

Once you know the answer for certain, you will be better able to deal with your frustration and anger, as well as the virus (if either of you test positive).

Again, sorry about the hysterectomy thing - I think my surgery affected my brain cells! -EBF

[imsnowman]

Originally posted by bimrdcpl
It has been well over a year or so since we have done anything with them but from what I have read and heard it doesnt always show up right away. You can be a carrier for years and not even know it.

Be calm. Wait. As JaJ says the blood test isn't real precise. But, it's another piece of information that will be useful if you decide to keep playing. Ven if you don't have any outbreaks you can probably assume as EBF said "you've more than likely been exposed prior to your encounter with that particular couple."

Originally posted by bimrdcpl
So now because we have been exposed to this we can not truely enjoy ourselves in the lifestyle anymore. There is always going to be that uncomfortable moment when we tell someone that we havent had an outbreak but we have been exposed to herpes. And then sit back and wait for them to think about what they are going to do. I mean honestly if someone told you that would you want to play with them? And wouldnt you wonder just how they got it and how clean they really are?

Perhaps you won't have the total freedom you thought you did. But, we would play with someone in your situation. It's not a dealbreaker for people who know how herpes works, how effective suppression is (very) and who evaluate you as truthful and otherwise risk free. In other words, if you look like fun it won't make any difference to people who can think and read. You probably will be rejected unfairly by some but, you probably wouldn't enjoy them anyway .

Swinging with herpes is really quite doable. The fact that the other lady has been confirmed and you haven't had any outbreaks simply illustrates how difficult it is to catch and how little effect it will have on your life swinging or otherwise.
Given that's its reaching epidemic status most people including swingers will probably end up being exposed eventually.

[PaulKing]

BiFem wrote "Most interesting, tho', was the statement that 90% of the world's population carries the virus".

This is true of many other viruses also. The average person lives quite happily with an average of 250 viruses and bacteria in their system. The real way to avoid a problem with Herpes is not protection but general health. If your immune system is working
normally and you are taking care of yourself, it is highly unlikely that the Herpes virus will take hold.

Millions of people every day contract the virus but it is easily kept in check by their immune system. Even those suffering Herpes outbreaks usually only suffer when they are run down or under stress. The body is very adapt at keeping itself protected if we give it half a chance.

Too much stress is put on avoiding contact with potential threats and too little on general health. This can even have the reverse effect as if the immune system has no threats to deal with it tends to grow weaker and then when compromised is unable to respond. Studies of the negative effects of over zealous hygiene, recently conducted by two Universities, confirm this hypothesis.

Diet and exercise can do much more than drugs and hiding away in latex cocoons.

Best wishes,

Paul