herpes scares the crap out of us!

[thor-in-vegas]

hi all,

total newbie here.

never "swung" IE, had sex with another couple/woman while in a relationship, but the wife and i have talked about her being very turned on by other women, and have discussed the possibility. (just hot talk for now)

i realize there are more STD's to be worried about, but herpes seems to be something that is VERY prevalent these days, and the person might not even know they have it.

my wife and i have no diseases and want to keep it that way no matter what we choose to experiment with.

so, my question is; is there a test that can be done "on site" to tell if a person has this disease?

i think it might be a bit much to ask our perspective playmate(s) to bring a doctors note, (although i wont rule it out!) but it would be nice if there was a sort of litmus test that we could ask the person to take.

so, to those in the know; does such a test exist?

im sorry if my stance on this offends anyone, but since we are playing with fire so to speak; i do not believe this would be an out of line request to make of a potential playmate.

thanks for any and all info and advice anyone can lend,
happy swinging!
thor

[slevin]

There is no 'on site' test like that. In fact, most STD tests don't include a test for herpes. It is something that you need to ask to be tested. Why are you so concerned about herpes, besides it's apparent prevalence?

Also, you say you are both disease free. Have you both been tested recently? Including for herpes?

[thor-in-vegas]

hi slevin,

thanks for the reply.

we have been monogamous since we got together (yes, i completely trust her)
and that was over 7 years ago.

we have both had blood tests since then, but i do have to admit that we didnt get tested specifically for STD's.

thanks for bringing up a great point!
i hadnt really thought about this, but i just assumed (i know!LOL) that when you get a blood test requested by a doctor, they would let you know if you had HIV, or something else.

also, i will admit my nievete' in thinking that since neither of us has shown any symptoms of any kind, up or down, and that neither of us EVER gets cold sores, that we were safe. (i inspect that area VERY closely LOL!)

if anyone wants to enlighten me, please do so!
i will not be offended by your laughter at my ignorance.

to answer your other question; its the fact that you can get herpes by kissing.
i figure, if my wife does meet a girl that she wants to bring home, that they would probably kiss before things got too hot and heavy.

as for other dudes, i will admit to being too much of an alpha male. i dont need help from anyone, and since she doesnt want any other man, that seems to work out just fine.
(yes, i have asked her if she would want that, and yes i believe her when she says that she doesnt want any part of that. we have very good communication)


i welcome all insights!
i am beginning to realize just how much of a newbie i really am!
thor

[slevin]

It's worthwhile to do some reading about STDs from a reliable medical source. You can catch herpes and never show any signs of it; never have an outbreak once. You can have sex with someone who shows no signs of a herpes outbreak and catch it. The type of herpes that is found in the mouth can cause genital herpes, but its not a guarantee. There isn't a high incidence of this and it requires oral-genital contact (which is very likely going to happen with bi women).

Other than outbreaks of sores on your genitals do you know what possible medical implications herpes has? Have you thought about HPV at all?

[jdavisauto]

Women show signs of herpes more then men, in fact men can have herpes and never show any signs. Herpes can only be tested for by a doctor and only upon a request and in most cases can’t be detected until a outbreak happens. Herpes is more in younger people but that not to say that older people can't get it too. Unless you and your wife been tested for the herpes virus you don’t know if you have it or not. You both could have herpes and just not had any outbreaks as of let. But just to let you know, STD’s in the lifestyle is very low, as long as you use common sense and protection you will have no problems. But if you are this worry about herpes or any other STD’s then maybe this lifestyle is not for you.

[fun4Ds]

Hey thor-in-vegas, have you used the new search feature above ? Enter your topic like herpes, std's or anything you would like to key in on.

There have been so many good threads on here about this HERPES subject. We all think about it, your not alone

For me the thing is, There have been people here like, "GOOD TIMES" for one, who have really taken the time to research this very topic. To me personally, I trust his research. It looks like allot of work on his part. I don't think his long hours finding facts with medical support were in vain. Unless you bring something new to light, I don't know what to ask you. But, I can relate in a small way.

We don't want to catch anything either. We have only been asked one time to show proof of std free documentation. We took ours with us, the couple we met brought nothing. It pissed us off.... Looking back, maybe they were just kidding. Maybe they laugh at us now, who knows. We will never know, we walked out on them....

The only thing I have to offer is. I know you could, in theory, catch many things like std's in a number of ways without having sex. I found those facts surprising. I do know one thing. I ask my doctor specifically to run all tests periodically on me, its not done automatically...I think its only fair, feeling the way you do, to be tested your self. You cant ask others to show proof, when you have none. Personally I find fear, met with the comfort of knowing.

We use caution and our own judgments knowing the possibilities, and accepting the possibilities.

Its all there is really...

Like I say, use the search feature and tell us what you think.....

I live in a fear of roller coasters. I can accept that fear. I think about it sometimes. I have stood in countless lines and then the moment of truth. I sense doom every time. It overcomes me in a way I cant explain. Its been 35 years since that first roller coaster moment, and still cant get on the damn roller coaster. I love amusement parks though..... Strange, isn't it.

Glad it doesn't take riding a coaster, to swing ......

[thor-in-vegas]

thank you all very much for your replies.

one thing i have noticed about this forum, (i have done more reading than posting), is that you all seem to be a very honest, comfortable group of people.

i will do my research, using the forum (thanks for the heads up on searching for "goodtimes") and i will post back here in a few days just so we all have closure.LOL

the poster from vegas might just be right about it not being for me if i am this freaked out by it.
one thing i will say, is that the frankness and honesty with which the majority of you speak tells me that my wife and i would be a lot safer dealing with people "in the lifestyle" rather than a random hookup with someone we met at a bar or a party. (non swing party that is)

thanks for everything, i will post back in a few days,
thor

PS-oh, and i agree that my wife and i should get tested specifically for these things! we will.

[Alura]

It's my guess, Thor, that there's no sure way of avoiding herpes. The best you can hope for, probably, is to lessen your chances for getting it.

The method we've used for twenty-plus years is to be selective of our playmates. We've always chosen couples who have been married for a long time and have had no outside contacts. While this is not certain, it definitely does reduce one's chances of contracting a disease. One doesn't get to play as much, but that's the trade-off.

There are couples out there who fit your parameters who would be willing to play in such a way that only the wives have sexual contact. Intercourse, if any at all, could be done within the marriages.

Mr. Alura

[slevin]

Originally Posted by Alura

There are couples out there who fit your parameters who would be willing to play in such a way that only the wives have sexual contact. Intercourse, if any at all, could be done within the marriages.

It sounds safer, but there is still risk of transmitting herpes between women and therefore to the men as well. As you said, there is no good way to avoid herpes or HPV other than abstinence or only playing with couples who have an up to date STD test result. Even the STD test result isn't foolproof, always a risk.

Amusingly you can also catch herpes from non-sexual contact. It is a fairly common thing for wrestlers to catch from other wrestlers. So even abstinence isn't foolproof!

[good times]

Yep, Herpes is pretty hard to avoid whether you are swinging or not, kissing, sex, sitting on a public toilet seat, even using a towel that someone with herpes used previously can all transfer the virus to you.

As far as a test for herpes goes, yes their are tests, the most reliable ones need to be done while the virus is active. But as someone else mentioned, even if you request std testing from your doctor or clinic, they will rarely test for Herpes (HPV). Their are a couple of reasons for that;

First, a lot of people have herpes, depending on who you believe the numbers can range anywhere from 10% of the population to as much as 75% (that includes both HSV-1 and HSV-2). So most in the medical profession consider it a waste of time and money to test for something that their is a pretty good chance most people already have. Keep in mind that even though you have never shown symptoms for it, you may have come into contact with it in the past and therefore test positive for it.

Second, as far as std's go, while contracting Herpes surely sucks, it isn't life threatening. Other than a little discomfort when it flares up, they have so far identified no adverse long term effects on an infected persons health. For that reason, and the fact that their is very little they can do about it, most in the medical profession don't consider it a problem worth testing for if you show no symptoms. So the only time they would test for it is if you had a rash that they wanted to identify.

Finally, while the HSV tests have gotten better over the years, the tests for it that are used when it is inactive can give inconclusive or false results. So, there again, most consider it a waste of time and resources.

So to answer your question, I guess you could ask someone if they had test results, but it really wouldn't matter if you did. For a lot of reasons, they wouldn't be worth the paper they are written on, in my opinion. If the chance of contracting Herpes is a deal breaker for you, you really shouldn't consider swinging. But the fact is, eliminating any chance of contracting the virus is impossible, leaving your home and interacting with others at all really only puts you at slightly lower risk than swinging. The next person you shake hands with could be shedding the virus.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by good times

First, a lot of people have herpes, depending on who you believe the numbers can range anywhere from 10% of the population to as much as 75% (that includes both HSV-1 and HSV-2). So most in the medical profession consider it a waste of time and money to test for something that their is a pretty good chance most people already have. Keep in mind that even though you have never shown symptoms for it, you may have come into contact with it in the past and therefore test positive for it.

Second, as far as std's go, while contracting Herpes surely sucks, it isn't life threatening. Other than a little discomfort when it flares up, they have so far identified no adverse long term effects on an infected persons health.

Great stuff, I hadn't considered the reasons behind not testing for it other than the fact that it can be inconclusive when using blood tests. Very interesting thought there about not testing for it since it is so common and there is no major medical complications from catching it.

On the subject of medical complications the only two that I'm aware of are a minuscule chance of complications during birth and an apparent increase in the risk of catching HIV. The birth complication chance is so small that some literature doesn't even mention it (the mother really needs to have an active outbreak during delivery to even make it a risk). The risk of an increased chance of catching HIV is controversial and I think purely based in common sense around the risk of having open sores while having sex.

Like you said, no real risk of medical complications. That was probably the most surprising thing I found when I was researching STD risks before we started swinging. With all the hoopla about herpes I instinctively thought there was actual risks beyond the painful sores.

[thor-in-vegas]

thanks to all who have replied.

after talking about this with my wife, we have come to the conclusion that we just need to trust our ability to read people, and just go ahead and ask them if they have any STD's.

if we both get the impression that the person is not a liar, and is pretty in tune with their body; then we would accept their word, and move forward.

thanks for all the advice too.
we have decided to make sure we ask for all the right tests next time we see the doctor.
soon! LOL

thanks for your honesty folks!
thor

[athenagirl]

Actually, since a huge portion of the population already has the herpes virus (whether type 1 or 2) the best thing is to practice safe sex. But even then, as several people have noted, you may be playing with someone who is carrying the virus and is asymptomatic. On the other hand, it's my firm belief that some people are actually immune to the virus. My ex-husband, for example. We were married for almost 20 years and though I have cold sores (caused by the herpes virus) he never got one!

[slevin]

The cold sores strain of Herpes is much like genital herpes in that a large portion of people contract the virus and never show any signs of it. Or they have one breakout and never get it again. It is very possible (perhaps likely) that he has the virus and has just never had an outbreak.

[JustAskJulie]

Even safe sex won't protect you from herpes. If it is contracted through skin on skin contact and a female has a sore on her genitals most likely her genitals will be touching skin on the guy that is not covered by a condom. That said, I would hope that if she had a sore that you would have noticed.... I guess this is good grounds for oral as foreplay (or at least using oral as an excuse for a closer inspection of the goods).