We Have Different Opinions About Safe Sex

[JKlovers]

My hubby and I are still just talking about swinging at this point and haven't experienced it yet (well he has in previous relationships but not with me).

Here's the thing. I am a hypochondriac. Not to get into my sob stories, but I lost most of my family to cancer when I was very young and only have 2 surviving relatives (one of which is living with cancer). It has messed me up the head and I worry about diseases constantly (mostly HIV and Hepititis because they are terminal).

I would love to get into the swinging lifestyle but worry that my hypochondriac ways will ruin the experience for me. My husband is the complete opposite of me. He is a risk taker and lives life on the edge. He hates condoms and rarely wore them in the past (even when he engaged in sex with other men). He had threesomes in the past where he was the guest appearance with other married couples. He never wore protection and apparently the other couples didn't mind since they were older and the wives had their tubes tied (my husband is not fixed).

I am on birth control (the pill), but i'm still very young and in my reproductive years. We already have a lot of children and dont want anymore. I would NOT be comfortable with another man cuming in me. It just would not happen. I would be such a nervous wreck over it that I know it would spoil the experience for me. My husband's biggest fantasy is having another man cum in me, and then having sex with me afterwards. Since I dont want that to happen, then there really is no point to us swinging. I feel bad because I know that is his biggest fantasy (along with he would also like to cum in other older women who can no longer have children), but I am not really comfortable with that either.

I mean it doesn't make much sense if I'm practicing safe sex, and then my husband is beside me having unsafe sex and then having sex with me later.

So, have any of you dealt with this issue of one partner being okay with unprotected sex but not the other? To me this is pretty much a deal breaker because I don't ever see my thoughts changing, but I just cannot see my husband agreeing to wearing a condom.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by JKlovers

So, have any of you dealt with this issue of one partner being okay with unprotected sex but not the other? To me this is pretty much a deal breaker because I don't ever see my thoughts changing, but I just cannot see my husband agreeing to wearing a condom.

If you can't come to an agreement about the use of condoms, then penetrative sex is out. At least, that's how my wife and I would handle it if it came to that, but it wouldn't with us. We'd still full swap, but with condoms as our rule is we play by the more restrictive of what either of us accepts.

This doesn't mean you can't swing. There's plenty of couples that only soft swap; giving and receiving oral sex and watching your husband do the same can be highly erotic, and very fun. That's just one possible permutation. There's a zillion things people can do to and for each other without actual penetrative sex.

So, consider soft swapping until you can come to an agreement on condom usage.

Personally, from a strictly cave-man male perspective, if my spouse said "yeah you can have sex with her, but you have to use a condom" I wouldn't turn down sex just because I had to wear a condom. Most guys would leap at the chance! For a few years (and for reasons not relevant to this discussion) my wife and I had to use condoms. I sure as heck wasn't going to go years without having sex with her just because I had to wear a condom!!!

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by JKlovers

My hubby and I are still just talking about swinging at this point and haven't experienced it yet (well he has in previous relationships but not with me).

I've been kind of following where your coming from. I'm not stalking ya, but I have been listening

Here's the thing. I am a hypochondriac. Not to get into my sob stories, but I lost most of my family to cancer when I was very young and only have 2 surviving relatives (one of which is living with cancer). It has messed me up the head and I worry about diseases constantly (mostly HIV and Hepititis because they are terminal).

I am sorry for your loss. I do understand. I can say I have met many people in the lifestyle who could share your grief. I have to say I like your viewpoint on allot of your posts. You don't seem so messed up in the head to me. Seems like maybe you cope with issues well. Or at least give circumstances a good look.

I could tell you about a few things personally, about some trauma I experianced... Dealt with and live with.. but this is about you, not me . Being a hypochondriac doesn't sound like to bad of a thing to deal with to me. Unless its severe...... I mean your o.k. with touching door knobs and things..... right. I mean, you can be o.k. with touching people.

Those two things would hamper swinging for sure .

I would love to get into the swinging lifestyle but worry that my hypochondriac ways will ruin the experience for me.

Then why not look for playmates that understand how you feel. I could find many people who share the protection rule. I think you have to realize your own control. In order to have that, your going to have to be able to express your feelings with your husband and any future playmates. I mean, were swingers. We wouldn't want you to be faking any enjoyment hiding the fact that you think we have cuties or worse. We would be the ones walking away thinking, What the hell did we do

My husband is the complete opposite of me. He is a risk taker and lives life on the edge. He hates condoms and rarely wore them in the past (even when he engaged in sex with other men). He had threesomes in the past where he was the guest appearance with other married couples. He never wore protection and apparently the other couples didn't mind since they were older and the wives had their tubes tied (my husband is not fixed).

I don't know all the stats about std's so much. They kind of boggle me and hamper the fun when I think about them. But I will agree your husband is a bigger risk taker than you. And..... possibly even me.

I see it as I would would be O.k. with condoms. Mrs.fun wouldn't ask your hubby to were one. She would tell him to do so.... Until we felt comfortable enough between all 4 of us.

I am on birth control (the pill), but i'm still very young and in my reproductive years. We already have a lot of children and don't want anymore. I would NOT be comfortable with another man cuming in me.

Would you be comfortable telling a man that ? I think you should. You may find men that can control everything. But honestly I can talk about cumming with a play partner. It's what we are hopefully in this for. I'm a simple person I can handle pulling out. But when I'm cumming I don't have real good aim at that point . I kind of go crazy in my own world.
I know I'm not alone on this. Unless your cumming at the exact time, you have to work with a guy. Aiming or deflecting maybe even dodging is up to you. See what I mean, you do need to be fully aware of your comfort zone. There will be a few guys like me that need good communication.

It just would not happen. I would be such a nervous wreck over it that I know it would spoil the experience for me. My husband's biggest fantasy is having another man cum in me, and then having sex with me afterwards. Since I dont want that to happen, then there really is no point to us swinging.

Well, there again you need to find your ground to stand on and then decide if you can let others join you. Its not impossible, but its your choice.

I feel bad because I know that is his biggest fantasy (along with he would also like to cum in other older women who can no longer have children), but I am not really comfortable with that either.

Its like you say, your just thinking about how you feel. Everyones entitled.

I mean it doesn't make much sense if I'm practicing safe sex, and then my husband is beside me having unsafe sex and then having sex with me later.

What kind of sense should it make ? We all have to be somewhere...... right.

So, have any of you dealt with this issue of one partner being okay with unprotected sex but not the other? To me this is pretty much a deal breaker because I don't ever see my thoughts changing, but I just cannot see my husband agreeing to wearing a condom

You guys will have to work this out. Its the only way. I know for us we went back and forth a few times till we found our comfort zone. Even there, it about us.

[Alura]

With your divergent views, I see little hope for y'all to work out a compromise.

Although harder to find, one thing y'all might consider is finding a couple with little or no experience outside their marriage. Y'all could then make an arrangement not to play with other couples, not for emotional reasons like polyamory, but simply to lessen your exposure to STDs.

Two of our playcouples were folks who had married right out of high school and had had NO other experiences for over twenty years. They were taking a much greater chance with us than we with them. In the case of one couple we were the second sex partner for each of them. We played with both couples for several years and had great fun with both, so it's not as boring as one might imagine.

One nice benefit of the two friendships was that we could play without condoms since the women were either on the pill or "fixed." One of the women just loved the "wicked feeling" (as she put it) of having sperm from two men in her pussy at the same time. The men liked having two women who'd happily drink their come.

In theory, the four of you could add other similarly safe couples as they could be found. The safety aspect would remain sound as long as your friends stayed within the group sexually.

Of course, there is always the possibility of being lied to. Y'all would have to use your judgement to determine their veracity.

STD tests prior to play would add some safety.

Of course, this idea would severely restrict your opportunities. Playmates would be much harder to find but with your fear, which is sure to ruin any fun, I don't see any other possibility except to keep yourselves only with each other.

Mr. Alura

[maggoo]

If you want to use condoms insist on it
As for your husband, if the other partner insists he will also have to comply
You must be prepared to accept some risks as you have described in his past
Until you are truly ready for and sure of your own self don't do it just for your
husband's fantasy
He may have to just have patience and the results long term will be so much better
for both of you

[realcplub2]

Hi Again,

As I said before, in the previous communications, you are just starting out, the rules and feeling you have towards whats acceptable evolve over time. Its also quite possibe that you might need to put the fantasy of his desires ( the cum, and cum again fantasy) off for a while until you either find play partners that you feel totally comfortable with, or have become comfortable with the lifestyle.

As far as your husband goes, again, unless you find people that would be comfortable with going bareback, he is going to have to glove up. In that, he really has two choices, do it, or go home.. place your bets which he chooses.

Being concerned over this issue doesnt make you a hypocondriact rather, in my opinion makes you a self consciencious adult, who has grown up thru the HIV era. I am sorry for your losses, and understand where you are coming from.

Its just another topic of conversation between you both, to work out, before you play. And make sure that safety is the topic of conversation when you are in talks with other folks. please do not leave it up to anyone else..

Ultimately, its your body..

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by JKlovers

I feel bad because I know that is his biggest fantasy (along with he would also like to cum in other older women who can no longer have children), but I am not really comfortable with that either.

I mean it doesn't make much sense if I'm practicing safe sex, and then my husband is beside me having unsafe sex and then having sex with me later.

So, have any of you dealt with this issue of one partner being okay with unprotected sex but not the other? To me this is pretty much a deal breaker because I don't ever see my thoughts changing, but I just cannot see my husband agreeing to wearing a condom.

You've pretty much answered your own question there. You're not comfortable playing without condoms. You need to communicate these feelings to him. Either your husband respects your comfort level and plays by it, or you don't play (at least not to the point of full swap).

And you have every right to those feelings, whether he agrees/understands them or not.

=)