How should I proceed: Partner not being honest about protection use

[fullsafefun]

I have been in an open relationship for several years now. I feel that partners who are not using protection should let their partner know when they start seeing others and having unprotected sex. In my situation the understanding initially was that protection would be used with other people. My partner now states that it is none of my business whether or not he is seeing other people and became very indignant when questioned because I had obtained information that he was lying about not being with anyone else than the one person I knew about. I have told him I don't want to know any details other than if he is, especially since he has shown in the past that even though he says protection is best, he won't use it. How do others think I should proceed with this situation? I care very much about him.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by fullsafefun

I care very much about him.

Sounds like he may not care too much about you, your well-being, or your feelings for that matter. First, get tested for everything, right away. Second, if you can't trust him, stop sleeping with him. Other than that, there is probably not much else you can do unless he comes around and sees things differently.

[rpu3]

First, welcome to the Board!

It sounds like you've got a couple different issues going on here, between the apparent disconnect between the two of you about safer sex practices with people outside of your relationship and with the attitude in trying to discuss the matter. I'm in an open marriage, and I can assure you that if my spouse came home and told me that it was none of my business as to his outside relationship(s), we'd be having a big talk and reevaluating the state of our relationship. It's not an open relationship if you can't talk about it or it's none of your business. Just saying...

Unfortunately, with the safer sex practices, you can assume you are on the same page until the cows come home, but there's always a chance that the other party isn't even close, or doesn't feel it's necessary to disclose, or just flat out lies to you about their practices. I agree that for the information and safety of all involved, one should disclose when they are engaging in sex without condoms so that you can make your own choices. That doesn't mean your partner or partners are going to respect that limit or boundary. Lying or lack of disclosure or miscommunication as to disclosure expectations isn't exactly unheard of in or out of the lifestyle. Been there, done that, if you'd like to borrow the t-shirt.

Was the arrangement clear at the beginning, or was this an assumption that he was going to practice safer sex with others? Further, what is the arrangement between the two of you now? Have you tested for STDs? Are you asking to use condoms now to protect yourself to that limited degree?

I just don't know how much of a respectful and open relationship this is when there's such a disconnect between you and him regarding other people and safer sex practices. As such, how much of this are you willing to tolerate? How much of your safety are you willing to give up for him? Are you willing to seek counseling or at least have that necessary "big talk"?

Eh, not especially helpful, I know, and I hope someone else has actual advice. But I know an open relationship, and this doesn't sound really open and it's definitely not a healthy open relationship, and it sounds like that needs to be addressed and the condom issue will fall in line right behind it.

[SecretAsianMan]

If you INSIST on staying with this person - and he obviously doesn't show you the degree of respect or concern for your safety that you deserve. I would make it a point to ONLY have sex with him with protection from now on.

After all... this is YOUR safety you should be most concerned about at this point.

[ownerspet]

Originally Posted by fullsafefun

My partner now states that it is none of my business whether or not he is seeing other people and became very indignant when questioned because I had obtained information that he was lying about not being with anyone else than the one person I knew about. I have told him I don't want to know any details other than if he is, especially since he has shown in the past that even though he says protection is best, he won't use it.

Ok, I do realize that you have indicated you and your partner are in an open relationship, and do not define it as swinging. However, to sustain a relationship which is open or to sustain a relationship as swingers, you have to have complete open and honest communication. Everything you've said above goes against open and honest communication.

If you don't have complete honest open communication, I think this relationship has a long way to go to success or a short road to failure. That is if you define this as a relationship and not just two freinds with benefits.

Originally Posted by fullsafefun

How do others think I should proceed with this situation? I care very much about him.

If you care about him that much, you need to figure out if his feelings are the same. If not, you need to probably bite the bullet and move on. If his feelings are the same you two may need to close your relationship until you can elevate your communication comfort level and trust level back to a secure state.

Although, honestly from what you've told me, as an outsider I don't think he cares about you as much as you care about him, and that you may be the victim of someone treating you like a security blanket.

[fun4Ds]

Do you have sex with others as well ?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by fullsafefun

I have been in an open relationship for several years now. I feel that partners who are not using protection should let their partner know when they start seeing others and having unprotected sex. In my situation the understanding initially was that protection would be used with other people. My partner now states that it is none of my business whether or not he is seeing other people and became very indignant when questioned because I had obtained information that he was lying about not being with anyone else than the one person I knew about. I have told him I don't want to know any details other than if he is, especially since he has shown in the past that even though he says protection is best, he won't use it. How do others think I should proceed with this situation? I care very much about him.

There's red flags popping up all over the place on this.

First, he's lying to you. This is a huge red flag. If he's lying to you about having partners other than the one, what else is he lying about? Once you know your partner is lying, trust is broken. Once broken, it's hard to get back. With it broken, everything...everything...becomes suspect.

Second, like heck it's none of your business! He's your partner, and you're in a relationship with him. You have a right to know what's going on. If he doesn't think you do, then he doesn't have a right to you...at all.

Third, if he's not using protection, you have a choice to make. Either demand he use protection with you else no sex or accept the risk that he's bringing home a disease from women unknown to you.

Fourth, as painful as it is, how much you care about him isn't the central issue. There are a zillion men out there, and one who doesn't care about your physical well being isn't exactly the cream of the crop; rather the opposite.

Personally, I wouldn't touch this guy with a mile long pole. This stinks!

[fullsafefun]

Thanks for everyones comments. I guess deep down I knew the answers but it helps for others to say what I feel. Because everytime I try to talk about the situation with him I end up somehow feeling I am the one in the wrong for asking to know if (and only if, the details I could care less about) he is with others. We have been friends with benefits for nine years. It started as swinging (he was a part of a couple and since divorced - my husband has been aware of this relationship all along). I now wonder how naive I have been over the nine years. I do use protection when I am with others and was tested last year and will ask for testing at my next doctor's visit (less than a month away).

[rpu3]

We have been friends with benefits for nine years. It started as swinging (he was a part of a couple and since divorced - my husband has been aware of this relationship all along). I now wonder how naive I have been over the nine years.

Wow. I'm sorry. Nine years is a long time, and I'm really surprised he honestly feels that he has no responsibility to you to protect your health by disclosure. No, you don't need details, but if he's playing without condoms, then you do need to know that. That, and it can't be fun to know that your "friend" of over nine years is being rather rude and disrespectful with the whole "none of your business" b.s. That's got to sting a little.

I hope you don't beat yourself up too bad over the naivete. At the same time, I hope you make some decisions that serve you and your safety better because clearly, your "friend" doesn't seem to care.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by fullsafefun

Thanks for everyones comments. I guess deep down I knew the answers but it helps for others to say what I feel. Because everytime I try to talk about the situation with him I end up somehow feeling I am the one in the wrong for asking to know if (and only if, the details I could care less about) he is with others. We have been friends with benefits for nine years. It started as swinging (he was a part of a couple and since divorced - my husband has been aware of this relationship all along). I now wonder how naive I have been over the nine years. I do use protection when I am with others and was tested last year and will ask for testing at my next doctor's visit (less than a month away).

Ok, I stand confused. I thought this was your significant other, but it's not; you're married and this fellow isn't your husband.

Even given that, I still wouldn't want to be lied to, especially after you've been playing with this guy for nine years. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're in the wrong for asking a question.

I'd still say that despite the nine years, it might be time to move on from this guy. I realize after so long that emotions have developed, but if he won't entreat with you fairly, it's probably best to move on unless he's willing to not lie to you and decides to treat you fairly.

You might talk it over with your husband too, and see how he feels about it all. He might not like the idea of his wife being treated in this way. My wife and I don't have an open marriage; we're swingers only, but I wouldn't want to see her treated this way.

[fullsafefun]

I do like finding this forum. It makes it much easier to ask questions you wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable asking a friends who are not in the lifestyle. All of your responses have given me better ways to word my next discussion, along with firming up my resolve.

[JustAskJulie]

Your second post gives a lot more info to help answer the question. IMO, this isn't a relationship, your ONE of his Fuckbuddy's. You consider him a friend with benefits... that's basically the same thing. The only difference is the latter allows for you to feel that there should be more emotion, more communication, more involvement. I hate to say it but the truth is, he's right. The only person you can really expect to give you what you want is the person you are actually in a relationship with (your husband). As far as this other guy goes, you're just one of the people he's having sex with and as such, what he does with others or who he does it with isn't really of importance to you.

I see your POV, all you want to know is that he is using protection and that you can feel safe in having sex with him. But in reality when it comes to swinging, open relationships, that's something you can never really guarantee. You really have to assume that when people are not WITH you they are not living by the same rules you do. So in the end it's up to you to ensure that when they are with you that you are taking precautions to make sure that your own health, safety and well-being are priority.

I am curious as to what your husband thinks about the situation?

[JustMrJ]

What kind of friend lies to another friend? What kind of friend risks their friend's health and life?

I will presume that your husband and you have an open marriage and this is one of the 'approved' playmates for you. Even so, I'd drop this guy like a bad habit... because face it... he's turned into one damned BAD habit.

Good luck!

[sweet_tna]

It's a shame your "friend" has lied to you this way, but you've got to look out for yourself and your husband. Cut him loose. With "friends" like that, you don't need enemies.

=)