Bait and Switch Herpes

[leatherbound42]

We recently met a couple for dinner after a couple of emails and us reviewing their profile. All went well and we liked each other very much and we were invited to their home after dinner for dessert. When we got there... we were informed that they had herpes. I was so bummed!! I was not sure what to do nor did my husband. Needless to say that we soft swapped... no entering just alot of touching. Well now they want to play some more and my heart is really heavy about this. In my opinion they should have said something before hand and it should have been in their profile! I even broke down crying this morning because I really like the couple but I really don't want to take the risk and I really really don't want to hurt their feelings. They did go into detail about it and they each have it and he hasn't had an outbreak in over a year and they both take meds each day for it. But.... I am scared sh*tless. I was checked out for regular stds and I am clean.... I do have an appointment to get checked for herpes, hvp and hiv... and so does my husband. I have had cold sores before when I was younger but haven't in a long time since.
My question is ... how do I tell them.. how do I handle this? BTW ... they are newbies to the lifestyle.

[cuzzeyesaidso]

You're obviously uncomfortable playing with them so I think you should probably tell them. You're right about not telling you before play time, but at least they did say something. I'm sure there are lots of folks running around at clubs and parties that know they have a virus and aren't telling people. It seems like you know what you need to do but need a push in the back to do it.

[JustAskJulie]

You should definately tell them you are uncomfortable playing with them again. Let them know that you felt trapped by their last minute admission and that is why you played at all, that in the future they should tell people up front, rather than waiting.

[4Beauty2C]

We were also in a situation like this but it happened twice. We finally put in our profile that we are an std free couple and we only want couples who are the same. If they are not upfront with us when we ask then we move on.

[des1re06]

I'd ask myself, "Do I like this couple enough to quit the swing lifestyle and devote myself to just them?" That's what I would be doing by knowingly having sex with someone with an STD that is incurable.

Copied from the Valtrex site:

Taken daily, VALTREX can reduce the risk of spreading genital herpes. Safer sex practices should be used with daily therapy. It is not known if VALTREX reduces the risk of spreading genital herpes in same sex couples.

Condoms may not cover all the areas where the herpes virus may be present, so they aren’t 100% effective in preventing the spread of genital herpes. You should avoid sexual contact when you have an outbreak or think you are about to get an outbreak.

You can spread the virus even when you are not having an outbreak. In fact, one study found that up to 70% of people who had genital herpes got it from their partner when their partner had no signs or symptoms of an outbreak.

The herpes virus can be active on the surface of the skin without showing any signs or causing any symptoms.

[BiloxiCouple]

The "Bait and Switch" also applies to other areas of swinging as well and it has been discussed here at some length.

i.e.

If you are soft swap, don't tell me just before I want to slide one in to home.

If your bi tendencies involve me or the my other, let us know before one of us turns red in the face when something goes where we didn't want it.

Bottom line, tell us before (way before) things get hot and heavy. In the e-mail, on your profile or before we go play or leave the club.

[sweet_tna]

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation. I'd follow your gut on this one, and just tell the couple the truth. You like them, but you're uncomfortable playing with a couple who is not disease free. The risks are simply too high. You should also suggest that they be more upfront with future contacts. It's really rather rude to wait until playtime to reveal something that serious.

Hope you find other couples you like as well or better that ARE disease free.

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[tribbles]

I have had cold sores before when I was younger but haven't in a long time since.

HSV-1 positive then. You at least already have one variant of Herpes. It is the most common one and most of us are exposed as kids to it.

As for playing ever again with them...I'd pass. Just tell them it makes you too uncomfortable and all the info in the world won't change your feelings.

[leatherbound42]

Thanks everyone for your support. I finally emailed them and explained where my hubby and I were at and I was upfront and to the point. Told them that there were 3 things... it wasn't in their profile, wasn't mentioned at dinner and they waited until we got to their house to tell us. I also told them that they needed to do some more research on how to find herpes couples and learn the art of discloser. I doubt that they will put it in their profile and we have some of the same couples in our networks... so now what? Do I give the other couples the heads up about these people or let them experience the same as us?

[Sico_tiko]

Never Play with someone u have 1% feeling that he/she is sick

[bdrcc1]

Spokane YES I think you need to tell! it is for all of our safety. We come over to Hugs Club in Spokane all the time! We ask all the time and post in our bio D /D free. But what if.