Condom choice displayed in ads - would displayed choice cause stigma

[Tellya Later]

I'm a member of one site where in the option for condoms the options are: N/A, Partner's Choice, Never, Always, Birth Control.

Now with all the STDs out there it led me to believe that profiles may be stigmatized for choosing a particular practice. For example a couple has Always entered for condom practice, how would they react to being approached by a perfectly normal couple they would more than love to meet with but never uses condoms or just has the wife use the pill.

Its probably a one sided argument as someone who says partner's choice probably wouldn't care.

Do you think this sort of stigmatization exists?

[lovers]

Is there a stigma? I guess it depends on who you swing with. I have heard of "barebackers" who don't use condoms as well as those who only use condoms. In this day and age, you have to trust somebody a lot to go without protection.

By the way, what site are you refering to?

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Perhaps "filtered" might be a better word choice than "stigmatized." You are really making a risk statement about yourself regarding condom use. I would feel uncomfortable with someone who never used a condom- seems to me that they are more risky than someone who mostly uses a condom. So we would tend to filter the "barebacks only" out of our choice pool. I think "stigmatized" implies a value judgement.- so perhaps too harsh a word. But then maybe it's just semantics...

[lovers]

Perhaps you're right.

However, this sort of thing already exists in the gay community to some degree. So it is a safe assumption that it MIGHT exist in the swinging community as well.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Tellya Later
I'm a member of one site where in the option for condoms the options are: N/A, Partner's Choice, Never, Always, Birth Control.

One of the sites we belong to offer the choices of; Always, Never, Upon Request, or an * (the * is basically for browsing purposes). We list ourselves as upon request.

I am sure I will receive a lot of flack for this, but I worried more about STD's when I was single than I do now in a swinging lifestyle. When I was single I insisted on condoms, not because of a fear of getting pregnant as that possiblity no longer was an issue, but because generally when I was having sex, it was with someone I knew relatively little about. Those times were pretty rare for me over the course of 15 years but with these guys I wanted nothing but sex and wanted to make sure they didn't give me a lasting gift. No condomn, no play, end of discussion.

With the exception of one time in a swinging relationship was there a time I should have insisted upon a condom. Only because I didn't really feel like I knew them. Our swinging partners have been fairly few, but all the couples have been in long term relationships. Most married 20 years or more and just as cautious in choosing partners as we are. We have not felt the need to use them which was discussed between and agreed upon prior between all of us. One couple though still has a fertile wife and since my husband is, they always use a condom, I do not though with her husband and he enjoys the bareback as he continues to use a condomn with his wife to prevent pregnancy.

Perhaps it may be something to do with the fact that we are all in the older age groups, but I haven't seen too many in the 40 plus range peeling the package and rolling one on. If I were younger though, still able to conceive and had small children at home, I would insist on a condom.

Lori ~ Who will start dodging the bullets.

[Tellya Later]

Filtered is probably a better word but I was thinking that at some point *some* people, if not at least in their homes, may make off cuff remarks like "I can't believe people don't use condoms in the lifestyle" or something like that.

[Alura]

We would have no problem using condoms if a couple requested them. If, however, we felt a couple posed enough risks to make condom use advisable we would not play with them. On the same note, if we felt a couple weren't forthcoming with information about their sexual history and might be lying to us, we wouldn't play.

The five couples we've played with in the last twenty-plus years have all been long-term stable married folks, like we are. Three had had no previous swinging experience; two had had one other experience, with long-term married couples. We felt the risk was almost nil.

We prefer to reduce our risks by choice of partners. We do not go to on-premises clubs nor play with single men. We've not had the opportunity to play with a single woman and would make a decision on that if and when the question came up, based on whether or not we felt her to be a risk and whether she was our kind of people.

We realize our policies reduce our opportunities to swing. We can live comfortably with that.

Alura

[Couple42moreTN]

Just to throw a bit of a curve ball into this one, we recently "played" with a couple where the female was allergic to condoms. This rather bothered me, and was most likely one of the largest reasons that not a whole lot happened between she and I. I just was not really comfortable on the idea of "playing" with someone that I had known for about 6 hours (aside from the internet) and having unprotected sex with this person, especially knowing that this person frequents clubs where she told us about taking on multiple men.
I am aware that there are infact females out there that have allergic reactions to condoms. Just wondering how you might have handled this situation.

K of K&M
Make it idiot proof and someone is bound to make a better idiot.

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Couple42moreTN
I just was not really comfortable on the idea of "playing" with someone that I had known for about 6 hours (aside from the internet) and having unprotected sex with this person, especially knowing that this person frequents clubs where she told us about taking on multiple men.

In all of our newness and being unsure of what we were doing, we got ourselves into a situation similar to this once. Like you. neither of us felt comfortable and relatively little play occured, we just didn't know how to tell each other at the time, so we played the game.

What we have learned is that we really need to get to know people in order to even *consider* having them become a part of our sexual lives. If that makes us snobbish or too selective then so be it, it is our bodies and our lives. We prefer to be with people who's lifestyles are more like our own.

We would not consider playing with someone that we know has had frequent unprotected sex and had only known them for a few short hours in person. I believe Alura stated it perfectly when they said "If they felt a couple posed enough risks to make condom use advisable we would not play with them." There are many people though that enjoy the thrill of someone new or unkown to them and that is cool. It just doesn't happen to be something we are looking for in playmates.

It is also important to remember that if one of you are uncomfortable at anytime, no matter the reason, then it should make both of you feel uncomfortable and you need to find an effective way to let the other know so that you can remove yourselves from the situation immediately.

The following link will provide you with information on other types of condoms for those who are allergic to latex should you find yourself in that position again.

Condoms - allergies

Hope that helps some.

Lori

[Alura]

We would not play with a couple we considered high-risk with or without condoms, K&M.

Alura

[OhioCouple]

Couple42moreTN,

Here is another link which offers some alternatives that was recently started and offers some very good suggestions.

Latex Allergies. what are my options?

There are probably quite a few more in this section of the board but these should give you some good alternatives.

Lori

[dave_susie2001]

I have refrained from commenting on this issue for a very long time because I know that I’m going to get blasted for stating my opinion. I have said in other posts that we do not use condoms with couples that we know well. We also do not allow internal ejaculation....but not for the reason you might think. (I just don't like the taste of semen!)

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here," After reading everyone's opinions on this issue, I wish to know the answer to the following questions:

Why do you use condoms (if you do)? What exactly are you protecting yourself from?

If you said AIDS/HIV, that is an understandable answer. AIDS has no cure and will kill you. This is an undisputed fact. However, after browsing the CDC website, reading the statstics on the numbers of people infected and who they are (ages, sex, race, location, etc), and then doing some basic math, I have discovered that the chances of even MEETING someone with AIDS/HIV infection that doesn't know that they have it in the state of Michigan are roughly 0.000004%. The chances of being struck by lightning are about 1000 times greater than that.

Of course, there are several factors to consider, when making the decision to protect yourself from this disease. Our main one is that we trust people. There are many people with AIDS/HIV that DO know that they have it. (Although, the chances of meeting one of these people is about 0.0003%) We trust that if someone knows that they are infected, they won't be into swinging.

Other factors that contribute to the risk is the age, sex, and race of your playmates. Like Lori said, for those of us that into or past the late 30's, the risk is much less than those who are younger.

Now, if you said that you wear condoms to protect yourself against other STD's, I understand that as well. Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Genital warts, Hepatitis....they're all out there kiddies. And they're all much more prevalent than AIDS. And you can get all of them almost just as easily from oral sex as you can from intercourse. Most of these diseases are curable, and even those that are not are merely a nuisance. Herpes can be controlled by suppressive drug therapy. And you can be vaccinated against Hepatitis.

Again, we rely on trust. Granted that there are some diseases listed above that sometimes do not show symptoms in some people and they wouldn’t know if they had it or not. But we believe that those in the Lifestyle are by and large regular people just like us that would never knowingly give someone else a disease. That in and of itself reduces the risk to an acceptable level our opinion.

Just like I don’t worry about getting hit by lightning, I don’t worry about catching anything from swinging. Of course, I don’t go waving a steel pole in the air during a thunderstorm either. Like Alura said, if we consider the couple to be risky, we wouldn’t play with them even WITH condoms.

"Of course, that's just my semi-educated opinion, I could be wrong."

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by dave_susie2001

Now, if you said that you wear condoms to protect yourself against other STD's, I understand that as well. Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Genital warts, Hepatitis....they're all out there kiddies. And they're all much more prevalent than AIDS. And you can get all of them almost just as easily from oral sex as you can from intercourse.

This brings up a very good point. I once dated a man that was insistent upon "oral" sex only since in his mind you could not get a disease unless you had actuall penetration of the penis to either the vaginal or anal region, he also believed that this is where the diseases stemmed from. We discussed this several times through several failed attempts to have intercourse. Now I am not talking about an 18 year old, I am talking about a 40 plus year old divorced male, well educated and respected.

Even in my fairly unknowledgeable mind at the time, I knew better. Let's just say we parted ways and he never had to worry about the issue of contracting anything from me. At least I got popcorn and a movie out of the misery.

Lori

[austxmark]

Wow, some very good posts on this topic. We have a similar policy on condoms..that is, if we do not trust them without condoms, then we do not trust them with condoms. Additionally, we are selective, do not go to house parties and do not play with singles. Now we do use them sometimes..it all depends. We also do not play on first meeting..or even second meeting..its at least the third meeting before we would consider it. We are trying to weed out the bed hoppers this way. One other thing we consider: if the other couple asks us about our sexual history and asks questions about STD's abd has a policy of not playing on first meeting, we tend to trust them more than a couple that does not ask. Our logic here is that a couple who is considering the issue of STD's is a safer bet than a couple who does not even ask.

[Quin]

We've not had the opportunity to play with a single woman and would make a decision on that if and when the question came up, based on whether or not we felt her to be a risk and whether she was our kind of people.

I was gone only ten days....boy, people sure can change quickly.

Quin
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