I have herpes and want to swing...

[houston]

I've had herpes for twelve years - don't have outbreaks, know all the cutting edge information about transmission, etc. I've been reading herpes message boards where everyone feels like sexual lepers. Got bored with that and have been reading this message board for a couple of days, wishing I could join the party - but I know I can't. Still, I have to think there are plenty of people in the world with herpes who are into the lifestyle - but I haven't found any websites. I've had a long term relationship with a swinger guy (and ocassionally his wife) and they were cool with the risks (suppressive therapy supposedly reduces risk to 0.5%)...and they never got it.

I've read some of the debates on this website about STDs. I'm definitely a Chicken Little since I was so unlucky - but my gynecologist and shrink both tend to agree that life is full of risks and you can't give up on sex. My shrink pointed out that if 20% of the population has herpes, then 80% of the population DOESN'T. Also, of the 20% infected, a good percentage of us are decent human beings and refrain from spreading it. Unfortunately, the few jerks that spread it, spread it to lots of people. So be careful!

Reading these posts I have several questions if anyone cares to answer. How many of you get tested for herpes? How many of you know people with herpes who swing? How many have asked a person about STDs and been told the person had herpes? How did you react?

Feel free to ask me anything about herpes - I think I might know everything there is to know and I've seen some contradictory information on the site.

I've enjoyed reading the posts and I totally envy all of you with your fun sex lives. I wish I could play because I read that single bi-women are in demand.

Peace

[guitarlover]

My partner claims to have herpes and we've been balling for a long time together, over 15 years. I've NEVER had herpes show up on me. And, we don't use any kind of protection. I'm safe, and she's hot, and if anybody wanted to share a night with us, we'd make sure that they practiced safe sex with us using a condom. I mean, who knows what THEY'VE got? I wouldn't want to share that with anybody!
I'm sure that there are swingers out there who are careful, too, and would love to have you join in their good times! Hope that it happens soon, for you! Wish it was with us, in fact!

[JustAskJulie]

Hi Houston,

Based on the fact that at least a quarter of the population has Herpes, I'd say that chances are good that a quarter of the swinging population also has herpes. There's actually a Yahoo Group dedicated to swingers with herpes. And I would say that if you posted an ad and were honest about the fact that you have herpes you'd probably get just as many replies as you would if you were not.

Unfortunately, I don't think that most swingers with herpes are honest about it. I remember a thread on here somewhere from a couple posting that when they were honest in their ad they ended up getting quite a number of responses from other couples who then admitted to having herpes as well, but had not been honest in their ad.

[curiousagain]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Hi Houston,


Unfortunately, I don't think that most swingers with herpes are honest about it. I remember a thread on here somewhere from a couple posting that when they were honest in their ad they ended up getting quite a number of responses from other couples who then admitted to having herpes as well, but had not been honest in their ad.

That is food for thought, isn't it. There are couples on SLS that advertise themselves as HSV positive and sometimes have the letters HSV in their handles. You could do the same and see what happens. Just be honest and let people that want to swing with you decide how they feel about it.

[rduelist]

We are among the group on SLS who have herpes and are very up front about it. While we have not had lots of success finding others we have had some. Since Ms Duelist is georgeous we have lots of messages from single males, so the chances are that you could be in demand.

As Julie said there is a Yahoo group, Herpes_Swingers, that is primarily for those who are in our position. We have met several couples there who we meet on a relatively regular basis. Also there is the MpWH website ( do a google search and you can find it). We have met a few there as well.

The moral is that there is plenty of opportunity to continue your life. Honesty is a key in my opinion, and it is amazing how many people respond to the honesty. ( and disturbing how many people are clearly dishonest or have their heads in the sand )

[hilltop]

I was married eleven years to a woman who had herpes. We took normal precautions and she was always very upfront if she even THOUGHT an outbreak might be occurring. I'm herpes free.

Give it time and stay honest and you'll find the people who will be willing to learn and look past your condition.

You certainly don't have to put your life on hold.
I wish you all the best!!!!

[MrNorthIndyCpl]

Okay, I'm clearly going to have to take some classes on the side to be as cosmopolitan and sophisticated as you folks are, but I have lot's of questions about this.

Houston, rduelist, guitarlover and hilltop, thank you VERY much for your honesty, courage and openness in discussing this topic.

I'll content myself with asking just a few of the many questions thgis thread brought to mind: Do you typically ask whoever you are thinking about playing with directly about STDs?

I imagine an awkward moment where I say "Pardon me, but do you by any chance have any STDs that you may not have already told me about?"

If you do ask, how do you bring it up?

For those of you who have herpes - or any other STD for that matter, how do you bring the subject up when meeting or talking to a potential playmate? And are you ever surprised at the response?

I'm uncertain of what my reaction might be if a potential playmate brought it up to me, I'm certain I wouldn't be rude to them intentionally, but I also strongly suspect that it might take the edge off of my enthusiasm for playing with them.

John

[hilltop]

Hi John,

Gonna be kinda longwinded on this one . . .

You're absolutely right about being hesitant regarding STD's and the conversations leading up to them.

If someone waited until the last minute to inform me of something like that I'd decline any offer to play. I feel if they wait until then (although they are being honest) they haven't given me an opportunity to think things through. It's a serious situation and one you must be able to approach with your best critical thinking.

It really comes down to education. As I mentioned in my earlier post I was married for a long time to a woman with herpes. She was upfront before we had any physical relationship and because I already cared for her so much I sought out information from my doctor (the internet wasn't near as comprehensive as it is today and he recommended many good resources). I already knew that I was going to go forward with the relationship but I wanted to be empowered by the knowledge. I feel that is what kept me from contracting it through the years.

I'll be honest with you. That conversation was hard for both of us. In a multiple partner enviroment it becomes even more so. Because I had constant exposure to herpes I couldn't assume that I was clear of it even in between testings. In a swing situation I would always make it a topic at the first comfortable opportunity. That was not necessarily the first "do we click?" meeting (sometimes it was but I don't play on first dates) I would wait until I knew the person or couple well enough to bring it up in but would NEVER wait until the last minute. More than once it was a deal killer. Sometimes being able to inform people with good information and test results made it a non-issue.

Now that I'm single again and have tested negative on a number of occasions I don't bring it up. I test regularly for HSV and HIV (when I'm active) and I just try and use common sense. I would not by default decline play with someone who had herpes but it would add a more comprehensive level of communication between that person (or couple) and myself.

Regarding herpes, there's a great website out there with lots o' FAQ kinds of info. It's good for anyone to know whether you feel you're at risk or not.

Here's the URL for it:
v5q.com/hpv-testing.html