Confused about swinging status

[stamp0128]

Wife and I have been swinging for about two years now. At first it was a ton of fun, meeting new people, flirting, etc. But once we got serious I just couldn't complete the deal.

Our first full experience was with a much more experienced couple. They were great in every sense, attractive, compassionate and fun. But once we got down to business, I just couldn't stay erect. My wife and him seemed to be having a lot of fun, but I just couldn't stay hard.

Thinking it was a fluke, we tried again with another couple. Sure enough I couldn't maintain an erection again.

After a couple more failed attempts, it finally happened. We found one couple who we both had fun with. We continued the relationship with this couple for a number of months, and every time we got together it was great. But every time we tried stuff with others, I just couldn't get hard.

Sadly, we lost touch with my magic couple and since that time have yet to find people that we can both have a conversation with and have sex with. If I am with a complete stranger (randomly found at a club) I can get hard and stay hard, but with someone I have any type of connection with, I just cant do it.

I have tried little blue pills, but they don't work. I have tried starting with my wife, but as soon as the condom goes on, it is over. The only time I can get any joy out of another women is through oral.

At this point, my mind is so f'ed up I don't really get excited at the possibilities any more. So any ideas on how to get things working properly would be helpful.

[dodgechevy]

It may just be a condom thing. For you maybe that couple you had fun with and having sex with complete strangers makes things hot enough that you could do things even with a condom.

In a normal meet and talk situation the condom desensitizes to the point where you have an issue, plus at this point you're nervous and it makes things worse.

Something you can try is using condoms all the time at home. Whether it's masturbation or sex with your wife. Eventually you start associating condom = sex vs condom = limp.

[junglecouple]

Another option is to buy yourself a "cockring". Once you are hard, put it on and it will trap the blood, thus keeping your hard on. I know it sounds simplistic, but when I had The Jungle, I would use it because after several years owning the club, sometimes sex was "expected" from the host and I, for some reason, felt obligated. Like working at a chocolate factory...you get tired of chocolate..LOL
You can get one too small or too large. You just want it to fit nice and snug, enough to keep the blood from draining back. It works well, and doesn't affect your ability at all.

[Galanga]

The condom issue is a very common problem with men young and old. What men don't realize is that condoms take a lot of the "thrill" of the finale away from the woman too. The walls of the vagina are lined with special sensors (called Meissner corpuscles) that detect the subtle changes in the penis's size, shape, and stiffness during the final buildup to the male orgasm (the so-called "premonitory sensation" when the man feels that point-of-no-return). This produces a huge thrill for the woman that most women "feel" as a kind of emotional jolt during the few seconds just before the guy cums. If the woman's close to orgasm already, that sensation will throw it over. This is, in most cases, the source of the phenomenon of "cumming together".

The condom seriously deadens that sensation for the woman. Also, ALL men have a weaker response to orgasm and buildup to orgasm with a condom on further decreasing HER thrill. In your case (as with many men) the erection is actually lost. Admittedly, I am a bareback girl. I prefer bareback intercourse. I don't need any lectures to follow, I fully know the risks involved, but I'm willing to take the risk, and I got news for you ... almost all men are too no matter how vehemently they pontificate safe sex in front of their wives.

What am I getting at? There is a middle ground. In some cases where I don't feel comfy bareback, I use a female condom. This still deadens sensation for the woman, but doesn't for the male as much as a tight condom does. In fact, on occasions at a gloryhole when I'm in a "safe" mood, I'll use the female condom and the men fully believe they're going in bareback.

I suggest you try bringing a female condom to your next play date and ask the woman to use it. In fact, you can even make inserting the female condom part of foreplay, since it requires a great deal of "fingering" to get it positioned.

[twistedpretzels]

-- how about doing soft swap with another cpl so you don't 'feel' that stress-- and then finish up with your own partners? maybe after awhile you won't have this situation...
just a thought...

[stamp0128]

Originally Posted by twistedpretzels

-- how about doing soft swap with another cpl so you don't 'feel' that stress-- and then finish up with your own partners? maybe after awhile you won't have this situation...
just a thought...

that is pretty much all we do.

[slevin]

Some interesting information Galanga, that is definitely something I hadn't heard before.

[Playful1]

I second the cockring idea...they work very well. most guys i know try tham at some point at love them. Hell, i've bought a few for one guy as a gift dont try to put them on when you are fully hard though. also, be aware of sizing it correctly. you want it tight, but not too tight. and dont worry, most women i know think they are hot. They come in a variety of materials...the two i have seen be the most common are wood and metal.

also, try different condoms. i know people who have issues with normal latex ones, who dont with the non latex (skyn and bare. both non latex but just as safe for protecting against STIs and preganacy), as they are thinner and transfer more heat.

Also, be glad to some extent...you have the reverse issue of most guys I know. most of them, if they have an issue it is with strangers, and can only get it up with people they know well.

[wandj10]

I and a lot of other people have had similar problems.

For me it's just been about turn ons. I've been in situations where I wasn't really aroused and nothing worked. Girls can be sucking and all that and no liftoff. For me I prefer hands, maybe a little mouth, and foreplay (clothes on). With my wife I can get hard in an instant because I know the routine and so does she. With others though, you really need to instruct them on how to get you going. At first I was really shy, but I found myself asking this a lot, "What do you like" because I was really trying to please and didn't want to do a bad job, everyone is different so I started telling others what I liked and it's a LOT better If anything, if you know you might fool around with someone, start the conversation off early about what they like - then when you get to the bedroom super hot...holy crap.

I would also keep a boner outside the condom for a good 5-10 minutes and make sure you got a nice hard one, then let the lady do the work of putting it on while you pleasure her someplace. Presto! If it goes soft, take it off go back to what you were doing before and try again. If you have someone that's patient then should be a good time. Also make sure she's lubed up because if that suckers on, get it in there quick.

Yeah I had a good 4 months of no boner, and even after a year or so still have issues from time to time, so definitely know what it's like to be a softie Just find out what turns you on and go for that. Ask for it too, it is super cool to find someone else that really wants to do "your favorite thing" for you.

I've heard of the cockring, but once I get super hard...that sucker is there to stay (for me). Maybe I'll try it in the future...

[Just Passing By]

I must be different , but for me the the use of condom was a turn ON . The mental process was kind of : condom = new partners in exciting situations = sweet !

Now as to OP's situation more directly that's more of a mystery. The known part is that continuing the same way is self reinforcing a bad result. While you need to do "somthing" differently , no way to predict in advance what will be better/ worse for You until you try it.

If a cockring , or similar helps , great , if not on to pan C .

Instead of being disapointed that "only" soft swap ends up occuring , try doing soft swap on purpose. Where intercourse is off the table regardless of the status of Little Elvis.

[SabrinaSwings]

Like others have said, this is a pretty common problem. As a woman, the thing that most affects how I feel about it is how the guy reacts. The best thing you can do is just stop and take a few steps back. Go back to oral, use your hands on her. Let her know that you aren't worried and she shouldn't be either. There are so many fun things to do when naked......so do those instead. If Mr. Happy gets hard again, then have another go at it, and see what happens.

I'm not going to lie, it can sometimes be disappointing if a guy "can't get it up". However, if he is cool about it and doesn't freak out, I'd certainly be willing to give him another try.

I've also heard wonderful things about the female condom. The person (guy) who told me about them said that with a lot of lube, it feels just like bareback. Maybe this is something you would be interested in trying?